The Onion ended 2000 with machetes, ping-pong, eBay and PlayStation 2
Welcome to the last recap of The Onion's 2000 print publication, where neither Christmas nor Hanukkah nor Thomas Pynchon are safe, and Alex Rodriguez and Madonna were big news.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Dec. 20, 2000.
Programming note
This was The Onion’s last issue until Jan. 17, 2001, and it’ll be our last issue for 2020. There’ll be no email next Sunday, Dec. 27. Enjoy the holidays, and I hope y’all have some time off.
Look for us Jan. 3, 2021, with a short recap of Year 1 of The Onion: 20 Years Later, and Jan. 10 with a retrospective of The Onion’s coverage of President Bill Clinton.
As always, please like and share this email — it’s the best way to let people know about The Onion: 20 Years Later! And if you’re new here, sign up directly below.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 36, Issue 46, the 44th published Onion issue of the 2000s and the 43rd issue of new content. Here’s what the website (kind of) looked like in 2000, as well as in 2010 and today.
The Onion’s Issue 46 website in 2020 is a disaster — 5 missing items!
3 stories were mysteriously lost from The Onion website by 2010, if not earlier.
The marriage-proposal spoof “Darling, Will You Spend The Next Six To Ten Years With Me?”
Jim Anchower’s column “Jim's Got A Big Wish List This Year.”
The print newspaper cutout “Super-Fun Nativity Playset For Christmas.” The Internet Archive’s copy doesn’t have the images, so we can only imagine an “Onion manger” that included “Enormous Bird,” Mayor McCheese, and Eric B and Rakim.
Also missing is the headline “Ghost Of Joe C. Teaches Kid Rock Valuable Christmas Lesson.” Joe C. was Kid Rock’s hype man who had died about 1 month earlier.
Finally, online but miscategorized on today’s website is “Communists Now Least Threatening Group In U.S.”
What was the top story, and other impressions?
This issue feels like The Onion told its writers, “OK, last issue of the year. No coy or subtle bullshit. Let’s go right at our targets.” And it mostly works!
The top story, “National Machete Association Speaks Out Against Machete-Control Legislation,” is not particularly imaginative, but it is fun to think about a world where machetes are the weapon — and lobbying career — of choice. The emblem with the eagle carrying a machete is pretty impressive.
The jokes are merely talking points for gun rights and gun control, so the joy is in the way machetes and machete culture are substituted. As I discussed last week, The Onion loved “Mad Libs” humor back in 2000, and this is an instance where swapping out words in otherwise real sentences can create excellent satire.
Said Slocum: "There's nothing more American than a Chevy pick-up with a machete rack on the back. And I'll be damned if some pansy in Washington who's never held a blade in his life is going to tell me what I can and can't do with mine."
There are two other stories that deserve a bigger conversation. They are exactly my type of Onion humor, but I’m curious whether they’re yours.
First is “Critics Hail Porn Director's Debut As 'Shamelessly Masturbatory Male-Empowerment Fantasy,’” which, wow. It’s filthy.
What I love about this is all the real-life movie critics quoted. Would I love to see Anthony Lane review adult films alongside, say, “Tenet” and “Wonder Woman 1984”? Yes.
"No dark impulse is left unexplored," New Yorker critic Anthony Lane breathlessly gushed. … Not even the repetitious, saxophone-laden soundtrack, sloppy editing, and total lack of filmcraft can detract from the aura of sleazy, shamefully adolescent puerility in which D'Alessandro soaks the entire 'film.'"
For what it’s worth, The Onion gets in a “Titanic” reference at the end.
"Look out, San Fernando Valley — I'm the porn king of the world!"
Second is “Ping-Pong Somehow Elicits Macho Posturing,” which makes me laugh as someone who played a good amount of ping-pong back when this article came out.
There’s a deep character study of our protagonist, Tim Bergkamp, whose love of winning is only matched by his love of trash-talking and giving himself nicknames:
Bergkamp has given himself numerous other monikers, including The Human Wall, because no opponent can get the ball past him; the Harlem Pongtrotter, employed when he whistles "Sweet Georgia Brown" to psyche out opponents; and the aliases Cobra Verde, Cobra Rosa, and Cobra Negro, which vary according to his paddle's color.
Bergkamp isn’t satisfied playing in Target employee break room, at amusement centers or with a regular home table. He’s building something called the "Solo Pong Station 3000" so he can practice even without an opponent.
This is a great Onion “Area Man” story — lots of detail, an exaggerated yet believable premise, and a reporter who somehow gets deeply personal quotes from the protagonist and all of his friends and associates.
The Onion’s Christmas coverage
The Onion didn’t forget about the holidays in its last pre-Christmas issue, but it didn’t take a particularly positive tone, either.
“Broke Dad Makes Son PlayStation 2 For Christmas” is very silly, but I love the closing line: “McManus added that he hopes he can make a ‘Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2’ CD in time for Andy's birthday in March.”
“Religious Cousin Ruins Family's Christmas” is not that exciting — it’s the stereotypical “religious person clashes with non-religious people” storytelling. The most notable aspect is that the story is set in Montoursville, Pa., a city of less than 5,000 people that lost 16 students on TWA Flight 800 just 4 years earlier and is the hometown of baseball Hall of Famer Mike Mussina.
“Real-Life Grinch Celebrates 'Hanukkah’” is what I mean when I say this issue isn’t subtle.
Area People doing Area Things
Some gems this week that hold up in 2020:
“Man Reading Pynchon On Bus Takes Pains To Make Cover Visible” was published before the Kindle, but it might be the best argument for why e-books will never win over showing off your literary tastes.
“Letter From Employer Thankfully Omits Balls-Copying Incident” is about a San Francisco tech worker, correctly signaling how 21st century workplaces would operate.
Finally, this photo is fantastic: “Diorama Of Rome Built In A Day”
Were the infographics good?
We have the evergreen “What Are Our New Year's Resolutions?” and the very 2000 “Madonna's Wedding” this week.
These New Year’s resolutions are an odd mix of mundane and disturbing. The weirdest one to read in 2020 is “Finally get rid of all those boxes of uncounted ballots in garage,” because this was clearly a throwaway joke in 2000 and not a legal argument.
I also question the illustration — the person looks like they don’t know how to hold a pen, and the text doesn’t even pretend to resemble handwriting.
I forgot Guy Ritchie and Madonna were ever married until The Onion mentioned it like 3 times in these 2000 issues. I’m not terribly familiar with Madonna, then or now, but I kind of liked this set of jokes. If you told me any of the above was a true anecdote from her wedding, I’d probably believe you.
What columnists ran?
Onion publisher emeritus T. Herman Zweibel wrote over 40 columns in 2000, but only 10 columns in the 20 years since. In fact, we won’t see him again in this newsletter until 2023 (will I still be writing this, also?)!
“The Final Frontier” picks up from last week, where Zweibel’s Frankenstein’s monster-like son carried Zweibel out of war zone of bodies and fire, and then Zweibel’s manservant Standish in turn saved Zweibel from his son and a rival’s gang.
Zweibel reports himself safe, albeit aboard a spacecraft headed toward the Andromeda Galaxy. All is well, as he’s left The Onion in good hands, has an onboard “replicator” and has found his long-missing iron lung. As for Zweibel’s message to Earthlings?
As for my readers, I will always look upon them with a combination of unconditional love and bottom-less hatred. All I ask is that you continue to solemnly observe Zweibelmas every Sept. 21. A few grief-crazed suicides in my name wouldn't hurt, either.
EBay was in full force in 2000, but it was still a mysterious curiosity, especially after a real-life incident of fraud from a painting’s auction. The Onion picks up on eBay’s unique culture with “I Can't Believe You Blew My Perfect Feedback Rating,” correctly anticipating our societal urge to regulate each other’s online behavior in ways good and bad.
The user droogie73 (210) is angry that after 2.5 years of diligent eBay selling and 211 positive reviews, he “received a stinging slap to the face in the form of a negative feedback comment. Bananaman (37), how could you?”
droogie73 rejects Bananaman’s complaints, saying that the slow arrival was because the recipient paid by personal check and ordered during the holiday shipping rush. droogie73 also says the claim of poor film quality is incorrect.
What is the hubbub about? This 1987 Todd Haynes short film about Karen Carpenter:
The Onion’s resident blue-collar, Midwest stoner columnist, Jim Anchower, returned 20 years ago with “Jim's Got A Big Wish List This Year,” which has the typical Anchower elements: He’s not working the same job he was during the last column, his car has a problem, and marijuana is discussed.
There’s also a story about waffles he won’t reveal, saying only: “Let's just say I got tired of drinking syrup straight out of the bottle.”
Anchower’s wish list includes: A car, preferably a red or black Camaro. PlayStation 2 with a fighting game. Dishes. “Detroit Rock City.” The Jenny McCarthy issue of Playboy.
Well, that's about it. There's a bunch more stuff I could use, but I don't want to get greedy. I suppose I should wish for something like world peace, but until I get myself a piece, the rest of the world can go to hell.
There’s also “Darling, Will You Spend The Next Six To Ten Years With Me?” which like Anchower’s column can only be found at Internet Archive. I admire this man’s honesty, if not necessarily his intentions. Hearken back to a time when 2008 felt like a faraway future!
When I take a step back and look at things, there's no reason someone so luminous should be interested in a guy like me. Of course, I always point out to them that your looks will be pretty well faded by 2008. But when I think how stunning you are now, I can only shake my head in disbelief.
Most “Hey, it’s 2000!” reference
Probably “The $252,000,000 Man,” in which Alex Rodriguez’s 10-year contract was national news. This quote is amazing considering A-Rod would be on the Yankees just 3 years later:
"It's outrageous that the Rangers signed this guy for $252 million. Only the Yankees should get to do that."
Brandon Wiley • Security Guard
Was Bill Clinton mentioned? Was an animal quoted?
Nope.
What was the best horoscope?
This was a tough choice for me this week, but I’ll go with Capricorn:
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
On second thought, maybe the idea of an Irish-themed rap group was kind of silly, after all.
What holds up best?
I know fewer of us are on buses (or reading books?) these days, but “Man Reading Pynchon On Bus Takes Pains To Make Cover Visible” feels like The Onion capturing mankind’s timeless hubris.
The ping-pong story is also strong, both as a piece of humor and in showing how people are too competitive about relatively trivial things.
What holds up worst?
Probably “Religious Cousin Ruins Family's Christmas,” for two reasons. One, this story is a bunch of complaining rather than jokes or satire. Two, and this is me reading too much into it, but setting a story in a community that voted 71% for Donald Trump in 2020 probably means the family is the outlier, not the religious cousin.
What would be done differently today?
More politics, more real-life people. But I like this story mix, even the ones that aren’t laugh-out-loud funny. That said, The Onion in December 2020 might pick a different profession for this horoscope?
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Next time, ask yourself: How would I feel if I were a nurse and someone murdered me that way?
What real-life events/people were mentioned?
Thomas Pynchon. George W. Bush. Alex Rodriguez. Madonna. Guy Ritchie. DJ Jellybean Benitez. Kurt Loder. Rocco Ritchie. Lordes Leon. Kenneth Turan. Paul Clinton. Peter Howell. Lisa Schwarzbaum. Anthony Lane. Tony Hawk. Todd Haynes. Karen Carpenter. Kid Rock. Joe C. William Cohen. Jenny McCarthy. Led Zeppelin. Mayor McCheese. Eric B & Rakim.
Bush is in The Onion’s only acknowledgment of Bush v. Gore, “Bush Calls For End To 'Era Of Political Argument.'” in which Bush calls for “The Age of Assent.”
Rocco Ritchie and Lordes Leon are Madonna’s children, mentioned in the wedding infographic.
Turan, Clinton, Howell and Schwarzbaum are other critics quoted in “Critics Hail Porn Director's Debut As 'Shamelessly Masturbatory Male-Empowerment Fantasy'.” Schwarzbaum also appeared in the September 2000 Sarah Michelle Gellar column “Do I Look Fat In This Motion Picture?”
Defense Secretary William Cohen is quoted in “Communists Now Least Threatening Group in U.S.”
Zeppelin is mentioned in Jim Anchower’s column.
What was happening in the real world?
Here are real-world news events from Dec. 11-17, 2000, stopping a few days early to account for the lead time The Onion needed to print and ship a newspaper.
News is from InfoPlease and the front pages of The New York Times (subscription required). Movie and music charts are linked:
Supreme Court rules for Bush; Gore concedes. FTC approves AOL-Time Warner merger. EU expansion agreed upon. Bill Clinton makes final foreign trip of his presidency. Bush names Colin Powell for State Department. NYT covers genetically modified corn. Alex Rodriguez signs $252 million contract. NYT examines e-commerce. EEOC: Not covering prescription contraceptives is likely discriminatory. Last Chernobyl reactor is shut down.
Top movie (weekend of Dec. 15-17): “What Women Want”
Top TV show (Dec. 11-17): “ER”
Billboard top single (Dec. 16): “Independent Women Part 1,” Destiny’s Child
Billboard top album (Dec. 16): “Black & Blue,” The Backstreet Boys