The Onion was nostalgic in 2000 for ... "Basic Instinct"?
We've also got husband-and-wife browser history, kids fighting at camps, iMacs, the frozen yogurt craze and Bill Clinton's real legacy.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Dec. 13, 2000.
Like in November, The Onion’s 2000 website announces a vacation, this time until Jan. 17, 2001. There was an issue the following week, Dec. 20, but that one was truly the year’s last.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 36, Issue 45, the 43rd published Onion issue of the 2000s and the 42nd issue of new content. Here’s what the website (kind of) looked like in 2000, as well as in 2010 and today.
The 1999 classic “I Bet I Can Speak Spanish” was included in this print issue.
These 3 front-page headlines were published 20 years ago but aren’t on today’s Issue 45 webpage:
Lab Partner Wants To Be Sex Partner
Wildlife Threatened With Broom
Don McLean Decides To Close With 'American Pie'
Credit to The Onion: The most recent McLean concert with a published setlist does, indeed, have him closing with “American Pie.”
What was the top story, and other impressions?
This issue is difficult to assess in 2020 because it’s sometimes hard to differentiate between old-timey references and bad jokes. That said, there’s at least one item that was always a mistake (I’m talking about you, “New Stereotypes For 2001.”)
Regardless, this issue is chock-full of 1990s references, and I’ll try to highlight them as we go along.
The top story, “Joe Eszterhas Brought In To Punch Up Senate Bill,” is overwrought with 1990s references, even if it’s also a sharp piece of comedic writing. Eszterhas was overrated and overpaid in the 1990s, but he did write “Flashdance” and “Basic Instinct” before crashing and burning with films like “Jade” and “Showgirls.”
The story itself is about a rewrite of IRS-related legislation, with Sens. Joe Biden, Fred Thompson, Paul Wellstone and Barbara Boxer all involved in bringing on Eszterhas “to give this bill the jolt of electricity it needs.”
It’s kind of “Basic Instinct” meets “Mr. Smith Goes To Washington,” which is as weird for you to read as it is for me to type it.
This is a NSFW article in many ways, as are almost all of Eszterhas’ real-life scripts, as you’ll see with these bill notes below.
All the negative components aside, The Onion makes good comedy out of the connections between a winning bill and a winning screenplay.
"I see this bill as Showgirls meets HR 2859," Eszterhas said. "I'm getting Sharon Stone, Michael Douglas, and Linda Fiorentino to help lobby for it. If Boxer and Wellstone don't have the vision to see that this bill is going to be bigger than 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell,' I'll go over their heads."
Thankfully, we also have “Web-Browser History A Chronicle Of Couple's Unspoken Desires,” which features The Onion’s keen understanding of human relationships and charming outdated references, rather than off-putting stereotypes.
Allen and Christine Pollard share a browser, and, well, they are searching for vacations, Chevrolet Camaros, baby clothes and … a lot of pornography.
Yes, this couple is using Internet Explorer on an iMac, and the article talks about a “virtual shopping cart,” but otherwise, this scenario of conflict avoidance feels very modern. The difference is that, in 2020, Google or Facebook or some other company has collected this information across multiple devices, not 1 shared browser.
The article mentions several of the couple’s unfulfilled desires, as well as their poor communication:
Despite doing so on a daily basis, the Pollards are oblivious to the fact that they pour their innermost frustrations into their blueberry iMac.
"We both really enjoy going online," Allen said. "It's just a great way to waste time and have a little fun."
More 1990s references and stereotypes
Frequent-shopper punchcards and frozen yogurt are both still around, but neither is as popular today as they were in the 1990s (recall the “Seinfeld” episode on frozen yogurt).
But it’s not the frozen yogurt specifically that makes “Man Feels Brief Sense Of Triumph After Completing Free-Frozen-Yogurt Punchcard” a fantastic read. No, it’s Roy Kempner describing his four-month epic trek to eat 10 frozen yogurts as if he were hiking across a mountain range.
Gazing at the well-worn punchcard, Kempner spoke of the future. "As good as I feel now, it doesn't compare to how I'll feel when I get that free yogurt. I will have enjoyed $33 worth of yogurt, and paid only $30 for the privilege—a reward lavished only on the brave."
Meanwhile, “Etiquette Tips" features some then-relevant references like Britain’s Queen Mother and the Walkman, but it’s also one of the most sexually explicit articles published in all of 2000 by The Onion. And that’s saying a lot!
Many of the references are not pleasant, either.
The silver linings of “Etiquette Tips” are the mention of a spork for the 2nd straight issue, as well as this:
“When laying off more than 500 laborers from a manufacturing plant, it is considered proper to make a perfunctory expression of regret to the press.”
Like I said, this issue leaned on a lot of tropes and now-outdated material. Here are 2 more:
“Direct Marketer Offended By Term 'Junk Mail’” still works even if we get a lot less mail nowadays. Even direct-mail marketers hate telemarketers, apparently.
“Unkempt Japanese Man Must Be Some Sort Of Artist Or Something” is another way of saying “He can’t be homeless — he’s Asian!” The short article doesn’t do enough to distance The Onion staff from what the quoted person is saying.
Other Area People doing Area Things
“Scrappy Band Of Lovable Misfits No Match For Rich Kids” is a great example of treating a movie plot like real life. This battle of children at two camps ends with the richer, better-equipped camp winning, and the losing camp is immediately bulldozed.
The story goes further: The upstart campers try those classic prank tropes — panty raids, hilarious computer hacks and booby traps — but they just result in, respectively, $17,000 in fines, a federal prison sentence and some wet eviction paperwork that’s easily replaced.
If you haven’t been deflated (or elated) by this point, the article closes with this:
"The lesson is simple: Give up," Wing Nut said. "If there are any scrappy underdogs out there who hope to gain inspiration from our determination to win in the face of impossible odds, my advice to you is this: Don't. You're doomed to fail."
“Consumer Confidence Verging On Cockiness” is just a headline with a very blurry photo, but knowing today that a recession was imminent, this headline holds up.
“Naïve Detective Suspects Fair Play” is really more about an incredibly incompetent detective.
Were the infographics good?
In 2000, America had an unusual problem: The police couldn’t find officers (the New York Times noted that teachers and reservists were hard to recruit, too).
So, The Onion decided to investigate these “Police-Recruitment Woes” and how departments were responding. This is fine. The infographic mostly goes with easy stereotypes, although I still enjoyed old lines like “Free mustache trimmer” and “‘10 Percent Off Fridays’ at evidence room.”
I’m not sure “Pays more than jobs where you don’t get shot at” was ever true, however, unless we’re talking about a limited number of occupations.
Meanwhile, we also have the ill-advised “New Stereotypes For 2001.” Now, I’m fairly cautious — maybe too much! Still, I can’t imagine this ever being a good idea. There’s nothing that’s so funny as to offset the inherent risks.
What this set of jokes reminds me is of a difference between The Onion and, say, “Late Night With Conan O’Brien.”
The Onion had two paths: twisting real life into absurdities, or creating a fake universe around things that sound like real life. Conan did some of that, but he focused more absurdity and real life co-existing at all times — the audience knows it’s a sketch even if Conan or his performers pretended the bit is real. Think “Ghost Crooner” or most of the “New Characters” bits.
Why does that subtle difference matter? For one, Conan wants the audience to be part of the joke, so this topic would be a tough sell.
Two, The Onion is trying to be absurdist but is relying on a Mad Libs structure — “X people [verb] [noun].” That can work for, say, articles about raccoons lobbying Congress, where you can create context in an alternate universe. For one-liners, it’s not as easy.
And, for what it’s worth, most of the one-liner comedy on “Late Night” — the SAT test answers, for example — isn’t what makes him beloved.
All that said, “Romanians are Tom Clancy apologists” still made me laugh.
What columnists ran?
“I Think I Would Make A Good Member Of A Large Crowd” sounds from the headline like maybe this guy feels he could play a specific role, or be a leader or a hero.
Nope. He just wants to disappear into a mass of apathy, and any crowd looking to get something done is not for him:
A mob is very different from a crowd. Mobs have agendas. Whether it's to protest a piece of controversial legislation or kill the inhuman monster in the castle, a mob has a shared, clearly defined goal. And that is not something that interests me.
Speaking of people who desire to be left alone, Onion publisher emeritus T. Herman Zweibel continues his Cal Ripken Jr.-like streak of columns, this time with “A Walk In The Woods.”
Now, eagle-eyed readers of Zweibel might remember that he uses a wheelchair. How, then, is he walking in the woods?
Well, turns out his Frankenstein’s monster-like son, N. Aeschylus, is carrying him to the woods, leaving behind a burning mansion and dead bodies scattered everywhere. Suffice it to say that Zweibel barely escapes — for the moment — and only because his manservant, Standish, arrives just in time.
As always, Zweibel’s columns are weird as hell, but I’m glad they exist.
Most “Hey, it’s 2000!” reference
My theme this week is that The Onion is being especially nostalgic. So I want to highlight this quote from the late Sen. Ernest Hollings, D-S.C., about other congressional legislation that has sexy Hollywood appeal:
It only got 11 votes in the House, but those congressmen who supported it were deeply moved. Not at all like that $220 billion asteroid-defense-system bill Jerry Bruckheimer put out a few years ago. It was a soulless piece of crap, but everyone showed up for that vote."
Look, I wish “Armageddon” were revealed to be a Congress/Pentagon marketing campaign.
Was Bill Clinton mentioned? Was an animal quoted?
President Bill Clinton is only indirectly mentioned in “Is Oral Sex Sex?” but this Onion survey is based on a real-life USA Today story and acknowledges Clinton’s enduring legacy of (bad) sex education.
What was the best horoscope?
The horoscopes were varied and funny this week! I most enjoyed Scorpio.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your cat does nothing all day but wash itself and play with a sparkly ball, so it seems you'll have to solve the vicar's murder all by yourself.
What holds up best?
I think “Web-Browser History A Chronicle Of Couple's Unspoken Desires” is archaic in terms of the technology but still relevant in the complexities of relationships and how people share, or bury, their desires.
What holds up worst?
“New Stereotypes For 2001” and “Unkempt Japanese Man Must Be Some Sort Of Artist Or Something” don’t seem like they were particularly funny in 2000, and they haven’t gotten better with time.
What would be done differently today?
We can’t predict what will be considered visionary or timeless, so I can forgive most of the cultural references being outdated in this week’s issue. Surely, much of what we discuss now, and much of what The Onion publishes in 2020, will be irrelevant in 2040.
That said, The Onion would not revisit some of the story topics or the cheap jokes of this issue. And with Bush v. Gore at the Supreme Court as this issue was being prepared, it’s fascinating how nothing about Election 2000 was discussed.
What real-life events/people were mentioned?
Joe Eszterhas. Joe Biden. Fred Thompson. Paul Wellstone. Barbara Boxer. Paul Verhoeven. Tom Harkin. John Sayles. Ernest Hollings. Jerry Bruckheimer. Sharon Stone. Michael Douglas. Linda Fiorentino. Black Sabbath. Sherwood Anderson. George Jones. Mary Todd Lincoln. Don McLean. Tom Clancy. Aerosmith. Queen Mother.
“Joe Eszterhas Brought In To Punch Up Senate Bill” features “Basic Instinct” director Verhoeven, indie director Sayles, former senator Harkin, and the actors Stone, Douglas and Fiorentino, with the actors planning to lobby for Eszterhas.
Black Sabbath, Lincoln, country singer Jones and the late novelist Anderson, who died in 1941, all appear in the horoscopes. Anderson is compared with Sailor Moon, by the way.
Aerosmith is mentioned in “Police-Recruitment Woes.”
What was happening in the real world?
Here are real-world news events from Dec. 4-10, 2000, stopping a few days early to account for the lead time The Onion needed to print and ship a newspaper.
News is from InfoPlease and the front pages of The New York Times (subscription required). Movie and music charts are linked:
Gore wins recount at Florida high court, but Supreme Court halts that recount. NYT profiles employers allowing children to be brought to work. U.S., Russia want tougher UN sanctions on the Taliban. PepsiCo to buy Quaker Oats, including Gatorade. Sen. Trent Lott to lead Senate. Russia convicts American for spying, but agrees to free him. Ehud Barak resigns as Israel’s prime minister. Inquiry finds fault with USS Cole crew. Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah wants reforms, less reliance on U.S. Scientists find signs of water on Mars. U.S. 8th-graders falling short against the world. Chinese pandas arrive, headed for National Zoo.
Top movie (weekend of Dec. 8-10): “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”
Top TV show (Dec. 4-10): “ER”
Billboard top single (Dec. 9): “Independent Women Part 1,” Destiny’s Child
Billboard top album (Dec. 9): “Black & Blue,” The Backstreet Boys