20 years ago, Bush unbanned vigilantism in The Onion

Plus, The Onion covers "Deep Throat," the Special Olympics, "The Rockford Files," Björk, the genocide in Sudan, Jim Anchower and more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit June 8, 2005.

Can you believe it’s been 20 years since the “Deep Throat” informant from Watergate revealed himself?

This newsletter took a long time to write, largely from going down rabbit holes about 2005 politics and “The Rockford Files.” But it was worth it. Let’s dig in.

If you’re new here, welcome! Please sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 23, the 245th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005 and today. There’s no archive of the 2015 issue page.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.¹

Just like last week, we have 2 excellent front-page headlines that are no longer online: “Plan To Trap Boyfriend Aborted” and “Dying Girl Lent Pony.”²

Once again, The Onion’s 2005 webpage included promos for the Onion Radio Network and an “Onion Lifestyle Guide” that links to a few old stories.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Bush makes a call for more vigilante justice.

“Bush Lifts Ban On Vigilantism: 'Let's See What Happens,' Says President” originally published as a 2-part headline. Unfortunately, today’s website only contains “Bush Lifts Ban On Vigilantism.”

This article is most likely inspired by 2 events:

• Sen. John Cornyn’s floor comments in April 2005 against judicial activism, which he suggested could contribute to violence against judges.

• President George W. Bush’s criticism of private militias conducting border control efforts, as he was “against vigilantes in the United States of America."³

In The Onion’s alternate reality, conservatives have called for “vigilante judicial committees” to rein in “activist judges,” while Bush has had a change of heart:

“Groups of dedicated citizens who band together for a common cause—be it rounding up car thieves or castigating suspicious loiterers—strengthen and reinforce the social order,” Bush said at a White House press conference. “I’ve never supported government intrusion in people’s lives; I’ve always put more faith in the private sector. So I say, what the heck! Let’s give vigilantism a go and see how things shake out. Why not?”

We also hear from a Republican pollster, folks from Texas and Illinois who are excited to enact private justice, and concerns from Sen. Harry Reid, who’s read “The Ox-Bow Incident.”

A vigilante group patrols a Colorado Springs, CO highway for litterers.

The article ends with Bush paraphrasing “government of the people, by the people, for the people,” which he thinks is from the Constitution but is actually from the Gettysburg Address.

A couple of thoughts on this article from 20 years later:

• The Onion brilliantly mocked its era: As a 2005 blog post explores, The Onion was skewering our most powerful elected officials while CNN’s website led with Katie Holmes and Paris Hilton. The sad part is The Onion wasn’t trying to mock the media here; this was a self-inflicted wound.

• Did The Onion predict the future? Not really. If anything, real life caught up to The Onion’s satire — American support for political violence is at record highs in the 2020s.⁴ However, I doubt this Onion article had much influence. If anything in pop culture contributed to this, it was 2013’s “The Purge.”⁵

The “Deep Throat” mystery, finally solved

I grew up in the 1990s, when print newspapers⁶ were still riding high. A generation of journalists grew up wanting to break the next Watergate scandal, for better and worse. One reason Watergate loomed so large was the ongoing debate over “Deep Throat,” the secret source aiding Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein of The Washington Post.

The “Deep Throat” mystery was a weird tabloid story, complete with breathless books claiming to have cracked the case. Some guesses were so wrong that Woodward publicly cleared 6 people, including Diane Sawyer.

I’m not sure there’s a modern parallel to “Deep Throat.” Almost everyone agreed that “Deep Throat” was real and someone close enough to the Oval Office to possess damaging information.

There wasn’t conspiracy mongering over whether it was true or whether 4-D chess was involved; it was more like the game “Clue” — someone in the room did it, but who, how and why?

That said, I remember being surprised by Vanity Fair’s July 2005 cover story for a few reasons:

1. Woodward and Bernstein didn’t write the story.

2. FBI Deputy Director Mark Felt had been a common suspect, but not No. 1 on most lists.

3. Felt was still alive, although in poor health and slipping mentally. Thankfully, Woodward, Bernstein and former Post Executive Editor Ben Bradlee quickly confirmed Felt’s account.

The Onion’s coverage is simple: “Deep Throat Revealed” asks people on the street about this revelation. (One of the answers is cut off; view the 2005 archive to read it in full.)

I love the idea of calling him “Mr. Throat”:

"Although his motives remain unclear, I definitely believe that Mr. Throat ultimately acted in the best interests of his nation."

Ruby Afram • Special Ed Teacher

Another respondent assumes it was Ben Stein, a Nixon speechwriter better known by 2005 for the Comedy Central show “Win Ben Stein’s Money.”

The final response mocks Leonard Garment, a longtime Richard Nixon aide whose 2000 book incorrectly claimed that John Sears was “Deep Throat.”

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This issue contained 2 other political jokes:

• “Congress Relieved To Admit It's Not Going To Accomplish Anything This Year”: Timeless and enraging. Then-Speaker Dennis Hastert is quoted.

• “Kuwait Starting To Notice Girls”: Incredibly silly joke based on Kuwait allowing women to vote and hold office after more than 40 years of suffrage efforts.

The Onion mocks doping via the Special Olympics (again)

Two tennis players accused of hug use.

The Onion occasionally commented on the Special Olympics, most notably with the 1996 article “Special Olympics Fixed,” which condemns the Special Olympics for calling everyone a winner. Importantly, that article isn’t really mocking people with disabilities — the butt of the joke is Olympic doping and, to a lesser extent, complaints about “participation trophy” culture.

On the other hand, the 1998 front-page headline “Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game” (viewable here) explicitly mocks these competitors.

May 2005’s “Special Olympics Investigated For Use Of Performance-Enhancing Hugs” splits the difference. Once again, The Onion satirizes Olympic doping scandals via the Special Olympics, but the comparison is more favorable to the Special Olympians:

Although insiders have long attested to widespread hug use among special athletes, the full scope of the problem was not understood until November 2004, when Carnegie Mellon’s medical school published a study on hug use in the Clinical Journal Of Sport Medicine. According to the study, researchers found double-digit spikes in self-valuation, warm fuzziness, and smiles following even a single hug.

Four athletes who have had their medals seized by the ISOC.

One such Olympian admits to Diane Sawyer on primetime TV that she benefited from illegal hugs:

“When my mommy [Jun Young-Suk] hugs me, it makes me feel like I’m the best and she loves me and I can win,” Suk told Diane Sawyer. “I’m a winner!”

I’m not sure whether real-life events inspired this, although a former U.S. Olympic Committee official alleged widespread doping coverups in late April 2005.

Area People doing Area Things

The gas bill that Beasley (inset) received.

“New Gas Bill Designed By Some Kind Of Freaking Maniac”⁷ is an interesting relic, with so many paperless bills. That said, I get a few paper statements, and wow, they’re deliberately difficult to read, much less understand.

The other notable aspect? This Onion article doesn’t follow the standard “hard news” writing style. Instead, it opens like this:

Some kind of raving psychopath apparently gnawed through his restraints and burrowed out of the Massachusetts Center For The Criminally Insane to design the invoice for the Keystone Gas Company, 36-year-old Michael Beasley reported Monday.

The bill is a staggering 9 pages, while the utility’s brochure for understanding the bill is 28 pages! I think Beasley speaks for all of us here:

“I just want to know what I owe!” Beasley said. “Fuel cost adjustment, adjustment to minimum bill, read days, repair range… ’Helping you to understand your repair range’? Is this some kind of sick joke?”

Marnard, who used hypnosis to recover details of a critically acclaimed '70s detective show (left).

I’ve never seen “The Rockford Files,” which went off the air in 1980 before returning for 8(!) TV movies from 1994-99. So I’m approaching “Repressed-Memory Therapist Recovers Rockford Files Episode” in another way: What’s the 2025 equivalent of this show?

In other words, what’s a long-running show that went off the air in 2000 but returned from roughly 2014-20? That show is … drumroll … “Boy Meets World”/“Girl Meets World” (ended 2000, rebooted 2014-17).

Both shows were beloved by a generation, even if Ben Savage is no James Garner.

In The Onion’s article, therapist Brian Marnard has been helping 37-year-old Joan Spees access repressed memories. He’s concerned about finding deep childhood trauma, maybe even evidence of crimes committed against her. What he discovers is something else:

“It was a long time before I got any more out of her,” Marnard said. “But finally, Joan was able to recover some very strong memories, like the image of a murder suspect who supposedly died in a car accident. And something about an angel trying to get his money back from a swindler who was on the run from the mob. And then, there was a garbage disposal jammed by a missing bullet.”

As you might suspect, these are all references to real “Rockford” episodes: Season 1, Episode 18; Season 2, Episode 9; and Season 1, Episode 13, respectively. I’m assuming the entire article follows that trend.

Ultimately, you don’t need to know “The Rockford Files” to enjoy this, but it helps!⁸

Other Area People jokes include:

• “PETA Complains As Revised SAT Tested On Chimpanzees”: An incredible photo.

• “Nitroglycerin Chex Gingerly Pulled From Shelves”: How did I not know about this? I love the robot claw reaching for the box.

• “Garden Too Much For Grandma This Summer”: She’s only 74! The husband is also slowing down, as he no longer strings holiday lights in the front yard.

• “Eighth-Grader Hasn't Missed A ‘69’ Joke Opportunity All Year”: I feel like those 8th-graders are still doing this, only they’re in their mid-30s.

• “NBA Playoffs Interrupted By NBA Preseason”: Not wrong. This year’s Finals could end on June 22 — 8.5 months after the 1st preseason game.

Were the infographics good?

“Unhealthy Online Support Groups” reflects real-life concern about at-risk teens visiting websites and online communities that promoted eating disorders, as chronicled by the New York Times 20 years ago this week.

Some of these jokes are rough, although I really like “Sex With Grizzlies FAQ” and the dig at “Star Trek.”

“Non-Negotiable Items On Björk's Backstage Rider” is fun, even if Björk was too easy of a target back in the day.

My favorite is “Brown M&Ms must be sacrificed to Magda, nymph-bride of the World Tree” for referencing the famous Van Halen request.

What columnists ran?

Sudan, and particularly its Darfur region, was occasionally in the news as evidence emerged of a genocide in progress. The Onion discussed “The Crisis In Sudan” in August 2004 and mentioned Sudan hosting the 2004 “Genocides” in December 2004.

Unfortunately, the world became distracted by other events. It wasn’t until 2006 that George Clooney (and others) refocused attention on Darfur.

On June 8, 2005, The Onion mocked this inattention in “Well, I Guess That Genocide In Sudan Must've Worked Itself Out On Its Own”:

But lately, the main stories in the news seem to be about Deep Throat, the new summer blockbusters, and something about stem cells. Since I’m sure I would have remembered if the U.S. had intervened in some way to stop it, I can only assume that the whole genocide-in-Darfur thing has somehow worked itself out.

Well, that’s good news then, isn’t it?

Our columnist is somewhat self-aware — they know how bad the situation in Sudan was. They know how Bosnia and Rwanda went wrong because of “the blind indifference with which the world allowed the killings to continue unchecked.” But she’s not self-aware enough to actually find out what happened in Sudan, and they’d rather not find out:

It’s like they say: No news is good news! Right?

Our other column is “I'm Sick Of These Money Problems” by old friend Jim Anchower.

Anchower is always having money problems, but it’s gotten really bad: His power’s been shut off, ruining his microwave burritos and keeping him from watching “Jeepers Creepers 2”:

I tried to tell the clerk at the video store that I should get my money back because I hadn’t watched the movie, but he was a total dick about the whole thing. He didn’t believe me that I didn’t have power, and acted like I was just trying to get a free movie rental. Like I’d be that desperate.

Anyway, I didn’t get my money back, so I went home and ate a half-frozen burrito in the dark.

Anchower decides he needs a more reliable income stream. His 1st attempt is simply “computers.” Unfortunately, it’s expensive to go to the “colleges with commercials on daytime TV.” So, Anchower pivots to screenwriting:

I have this one idea about a cop who’s about to get thrown off the force, because he plays by his own rules. Only, a case falls into his lap that he can’t turn his back on. See, this particular cop is a decent guy, even if he is a cop. The case involves the mob, so the cop goes undercover to fix the bad guys good. But then his old partner finds out about it.

Unfortunately, Anchower can’t figure out the plot after that, so he abandons the idea.

At least he still has his job at the carbonics plant!

What was the best horoscope?

This week’s horoscopes references many things, including the Wienermobile, Tom T. Hall, Cole Porter and the Voyager 1 space probe, but my favorite is Aries:

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You'll be forced to run more than 50 miles by some cruel bastard who'll rig your hat with a fiendish device consisting of a candy bar, a piece of string, and a six-foot stick.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

Both front-page one-liners (“Plan To Trap Boyfriend Aborted” and “Dying Girl Lent Pony”) could run today, unedited.

Other timeless jokes include “Congress Relieved To Admit It's Not Going To Accomplish Anything This Year” and “NBA Playoffs Interrupted By NBA Preseason.”

Finally, “Well, I Guess That Genocide In Sudan Must've Worked Itself Out On Its Own” would need to be updated, but it captures the human tendency to quickly move on from events that don’t personally affect us.

What holds up worst?

This was a fun issue! I feel like people who like Björk really like Björk, so maybe that infographic holds up worst by default.

What would be done differently today?

The Onion’s slogan is “tu stultus es” (“you are dumb”), and nothing epitomizes that more than stupid people sharing bad information in online forums. Something like “Unhealthy Online Support Groups” could easily exist today, albeit in a different form — maybe a subreddit or Facebook group gone wrong.

Today’s Onion publishes way more jokes about politics. And it’s having a field day with the feud between Elon Musk and President Donald Trump, with “Trump Escalates Musk Feud By Nuking Mars” just one example.

Thank you

Thank you for being here! Please keep liking, commenting and sharing the newsletter (including in Substack Notes, if that’s your thing). It’s a big help.

See you next week, when The Onion rushed to cover the Michael Jackson verdict on its website. Plus, stories about Habitrail for Humanity, Chinese factors, politicians in bathrooms and … cassette tapes.

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. A 2011 Denver Post review of the IFC show “Onion News Network” closes with this line:

Besides, how can they ever top that classic Onion headline from years ago: “Dying Girl Lent Pony”?

3. The Onion mocked the leading group, the Minutemen, in April 2005.

4. This support is somewhat bipartisan, spiking on the right or on the left depending on who’s in the White House.

5. The creator expressed dismay that some test audiences applauded the idea of a purge.

6. My family subscribed to the local daily paper, two weekly town papers and USA Today for much of my childhood.

7. A few months ago, I got a check for almost $500 — part of a settlement after my utility company illegally charged me a $1/month fee for years. Keep up the great work, fellas!

8. The Onion would revisit the show in 2009’s “Suspect Wins Over Detectives With 'Rockford Files' Reference.”