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I want to write for the Onion or Bee. Any suggestions?

My mom says I have to start by learning to write left to right and to stop only reading every third sentence because everything is boring.

And to develop a sense of humor.

And to quit playing Call of Duty after each sentence I write because she says it distracts me….

And to quit writing the word “and”.

And My mom’s a bitch.

And I’m not going to stop using my favorite word.

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