How do you follow up the 9/11 issue?
If you're The Onion, you keep on reporting about "A Shattered Nation Longs To Care About Stupid Bullshit Again" while mixing in the old, goofy satire.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 3, 2001.
The Onion, fresh off its most important issue ever, returned without a week off to continue covering the new America while slowly reintegrating its old style of humor.
The humor at times feels forced, but it’s a fascinating mix of World Trade Center references next to one-lines like “Greenland Thinks It Looks Fat In Mercator Projection.”
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 37, Issue 35, the 76th Onion issue of the 2000s and the 75th issue of new content. Here’s what the website looked like in 2001, 2011 and today.
The 2001 website had a distinct link to the previous week’s issue, which was extremely unusual.
The rude but relatable “Friend's Comment Dismissed With Wanking Motion” is no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I don’t know how calculated The Onion’s staff was with this post-post-9/11 issue, but to me, it feels like a couple of things were motivating:
The immediate outpouring of support for the 9/11 issue, spurring both their confidence, new fans and a need to continue “covering” this ongoing story
A desire to let these new fans know that, however grateful, The Onion wasn’t going to change its style
I say this because this issue begins with another 9/11-related story that has a big ol’ swear word in the headline: “A Shattered Nation Longs To Care About Stupid Bullshit Again.”
Now, of course, we know Americans possess no greater drive than that of time-wasting, faux reality and self-aggrandizement. However, in October 2001, there were real concerns that an Age of Seriousness had descended:
"In the aftermath of this horrible tragedy, people find themselves cruelly preoccupied with the happiness and well-being of their loved ones, unconcerned with such stupid bullshit as the new Anne Heche biography or Michael Jackson's dramatic comeback bid," said Dr. Meredith Laufenberg, a psychologist and family therapist at UCLA Medical Center. "Who knows how long it will be before things are back to normal?"
People had no idea what was going on with “Friends” episodes, the Emmys, the McDonald’s Monopoly game, “Zoolander” and what one Onion interviewee calls “the whole car-phone controversy.”
Leave it to The Onion to address the ultra-serious, and important, issue of mental health after a national tragedy in this fashion. This article closes with:
"This is a life-changing, society-altering catastrophe of the first magnitude, on par with a Pearl Harbor or Great Depression," said noted historian and author David Halberstam. "The sad truth is, this country may never go back to caring about pointless, inane trifles as we once did."
Where have you gone, J. Lo? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
This is a timeless story, not least because Jennifer Lopez remains equally as famous in 2021 as she was in 2001.
Other 9/11 news
The Onion’s website again used the “Holy Fucking Shit” logo, while the website and print front page also included a more dignified “The Aftermath.”
These two graphics literally illustrate how The Onion is trying to be itself while also respecting what’s going on around them, not just in the overall readership but with their fellow New Yorkers.
The major “local newspaper” story that ties into 9/11 is “Security Beefed Up At Cedar Rapids Public Library.” Back then, apparently, most government buildings weren’t quasi-military zones!
The story itself is straightforward, almost too much like a real news story — the library staff met to discuss security concerns after 9/11 and decided to start by upgrading the old security system and hire a part-time guard. There are other sensible measures like fixing security mirrors and changing the locks given that ex-employees still have keys.
But then again, you have this precursor to so much of modern life (and the political debates therein):
"Some people might consider the prospect of metal detectors and three forms of ID for library cards a bit extreme, but we're living in a whole new world," longtime resident Frank Gonitz said. "The way I figure, if you've done nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide, right?"
Is this a prescient story? Yes. Will this generate more dismay than laughter in 2021, for one reason or another? Also likely.
There was a time where the main industry group representing airline pilots wanted them to have guns. I don’t think that happened, but it was much-discussed right after 9/11. The Onion asked some folks about “Arming Our Pilots.”
The jokes are fine, but my favorite that stands the test of time is this joke within a joke:
"As a mediocre stand-up comic, I'm all for it… 'And what's with these pilots packin' heat? Boy, you damn well better return your tray table to the upright and locked position, Chester!'"
Irfan Clarence • Comedian
The Onion ran an infographic in July 2001 on Michael Jordan’s rumored return. This time, the news was official. But “The Return of Michael Jordan” is more like the previous issue’s “How Have We Spent The Past Two Weeks?” — a somber reflection of what people were actually doing in New York City.
Other 9/11 coverage in this issue included:
“Area Man Uses WTC Attack As Excuse To Call Ex-Girlfriend”: I’d be shocked if this weren’t based on an Onion writer experiencing it or hearing about it. It feels so real. As you might expect, “Frankel told Marchand it was ‘good to hear [his] voice again’ but was unresponsive to his suggestion that they get together for coffee.”
“Sales Of Chamomile Tea, Gas Masks Up Sharply”: I enjoy a cup of chamomile but do not own a gas mask, so either things are better or I’m woefully unprepared.
“Network Programming Dominated By Surreality TV”: The Onion was very early to seeing how reality TV could be mocked, and this is just a more depressing version.
“U.S. Urges Bin Laden To Form Nation It Can Attack” is a rare misfire, if only because it feels like a shorter version of last week’s ““U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We're At War With,” just with Osama Bin Laden added.
Not everything was about 9/11
The Onion strove for its own sense of normalcy this issue, or perhaps simply realized that an all-9/11 issue wasn’t a repeatable process.
“Coca-Cola Introduces Coke Mandatory” is a delightful story that combines 1996’s “Coca-Cola Introduces New 30-Liter Size” and March 2001’s “Starbucks To Begin Sinister 'Phase Two' Of Operation.” This time, Coca-Cola has mandated (and trademarked) exactly how and when you’ll consume Coca-Cola, and the message is clear even if no specific penalties have been announced for noncompliance.
I’m sure you could make a mask or vaccine comment about this paragraph, but please don’t!
Easing the fears of parents who believe Coke is not an ideal beverage choice for infants and toddlers, Hasworth stressed that Coke Mandatory is optional for children under 2. However, within the next year, Coke Mandatory Jr., a cola-flavored milk product enriched with essential vitamins and corn syrups, will be available and compulsory for those 2 and under.
There are some interesting 1990s/early 2000s choices here, such as the unfortunate moniker "essentialicious," as well as competing products called Pepsi Must and Hafta, which is a collaboration between Fanta1 and Shasta.
There’s also a nice throwback to one of The Onion’s favorite targets, RC Cola:
Appalled by the new Coke product and other such required soft drinks, Royal Crown announced plans to release RC Optional, an exact replica of the current RC Cola with new packaging that "will surely appeal to American consumers' strong sense of liberty and self-determination."
The other lengthy non-9/11 article is “Closeted Father Lives Vicariously Through Gay Son,” which was assuredly more relatable and relevant in 2001 than in 2021. Most notably, this is a largely positive article, eschewing the 2000 Onion’s tendency to criticize anti-gay views by repeatedly using gay slurs.
“What Are We Titling Our Masters Thesis?” is one of the stronger front-page infographics from this era. Oftentimes the small space yields short jokes that are mostly throwaways. Here, the jokes are sharp and cover a huge range of subjects — American history, comic books, sexuality, procrastination, a preview of the adjunct-dominant college model.
Last but not least, “Masters! Masters! Masters Thesis Of Puppets” has become one of my favorite Onion one-liners because of its shout-out to the greatest metal song of all time.
Other “local” news in this issue:
“Little Tobacco Hit With $3.5 Hundred Lawsuit” is a relic of that era’s tobacco lawsuits, but it’s still a great premise that’s well-written. If the defendants lose, part of the penalty will be “removing the cigarette vending machine from the breakroom of a Detroit-area Safeway.”
The front-page headline “Gas-Station Employee Gives 109 9/10ths Percent” warrants a respectful chuckle, and that’s all it has to be.
“Greenland Thinks It Looks Fat In Mercator Projection” is a dumb joke, but I like that the Mercator map is singled out.
What columnists ran?
Two weeks in a row with a Point/Counterpoint! This week’s isn’t as serious and dire — no debating the degree of violence used against the terrorists. Instead, it’s a debate about outdoor advertising, or what I believe nowadays the industry calls OOH, or out-of-home advertising.
“Outdoor Advertising Is A Blight On Our Society vs. I Just Wanted To Tell The Nice People About The Yogurt” goes a step further in having a woman, Karen McClary, be the writer opposing outdoor advertising but her opponent be Yoplait. Not the company, but a Yoplait yogurt billboard.
The Yoplait billboard is a simple creature who simply likes being a good billboard, and is perplexed that it has enemies.
Lady In Red Car, she doesn't like me. I've done nothing to her. Why does she always shake her fist at me? Why does she always glare at me when she drives by? Why does she put her hand over her daughter's eyes when she is going past me? Yogurt is good. It has lots of calcium. It also has acidophilus. That's an active culture that helps people digest better.
This is a great Point/Counterpoint and also great escapism for the time it was published.
We also have “I Insist You Borrow This Terrible Book And Tell Me How Much You Liked It,” which is correctly accompanied by a photo of a middle-aged man with a mustache.
He describes many, many bad things about the book that apply to most bad novels. He also describes two of the characters, and I would love to know what Onion writer’s mind this came from:
Like Salty, the wizened sea captain whose life of loneliness parallels that of the nameless protagonist. Or the ghost of Eva Braun, who tempts him and tries to keep him from doing good.
Most “Hey, it’s 2001!” reference
The Danny Almonte image in that photo collage that leads this week’s issue. Danny Almonte, as you have no reason to remember, was the Little League pitcher who in summer 2001 became famous for leading a New York City team to the Little League World Series before it was discovered he was too old to compete. The fraud was committed by his parents, coaches and local league officials and included false documents and witnesses, although Danny himself was cleared.
What was the best horoscope?
Runner-up in the “Hey, it’s 2001!” category might be this horoscope:
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Though it's certainly admirable to want to stay informed, your worship of Peter Jennings is beginning to affect your ability to function in daily life.
What holds up best?
“A Shattered Nation Longs To Care About Stupid Bullshit Again” might not be the funniest article, even compared to several stories in the 9/11 issue, but it’s very American, very reflective of what was going on 3-4 weeks after 9/11, and very perceptive of how people process tragedy.
It’s a great credit to The Onion’s staff to anchor an issue around this theme, and it’s almost an inside joke in that this is what The Onion itself was trying to do.
What holds up worst?
“Closeted Father Lives Vicariously Through Gay Son” is much better than I feared, but it’s very much of its time, you might say. Some things don’t hold up, and that’s separate from how we judge them as art.
What would be done differently today?
Too early to bring this back. I don’t think we need to do that thought exercise quite yet, and also, The Onion did a great job here under difficult circumstances.
Final thoughts
The Onion changed forever on 9/11, just like many things did. But “change” doesn’t necessarily mean “forget what got you there.” What we have in the Oct. 3, 2001, issue is the first steps of The Onion blending its absurdist, wacky, college humor origins with its new role as satirist of current events — almost an alternate voice of present-day America.
It didn’t hurt that the A.V. Club was, at the time, a bit of an online alternative, not to mention that The Onion was, in some cities, paired with alternative print weeklies.
Thankfully, humor can be found in all sorts of situations with a trained eye, the willingness to dig and knowing who your targets are and who you’re trying to make laugh. The Onion was pretty good at this before 9/11, but this is the era where it showed how great it could be — maybe even greater than it thought it could be.
See y’all next week!
Fanta was created by Coca-Cola, so I don’t know if the reference is deliberate or if The Onion didn’t realize that.