Dad jokes, Yo La Tengo and lawless Nevada were big 20 years ago
We also have tax-filing tips, a Lutheran minister, Jay Leno and much more to remind you that it's 2002
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit April 10, 2002.
Like last week, I wrote most of this from a hotel room before a wedding. These hotels are not really set up for someone who needs to type for a few hours! Anyways, this issue was fun to read. It’s heavy on “local” Onion stories that also remind me of earlier Onion stories. More on that below.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 13, the 99th Onion issue of the 2000s and the 98th issue of new content. Internet Archive didn’t save the 2002 website page, sadly. Here’s the website in 2012 and today.
The Onion’s front-page had 2 headlines that are no longer online. These are … aggressive jokes:
“Melon Balled”
“Abortion Stops A Beating”
There were also 2 headlines where the photo is no longer online. The Onion’s Photohopping from 20+ years ago (like everyone’s) often looks silly today, but that Cheney hair is remarkable. The reference to returning to the U.S. is probably about his Mideast trip the previous month.
I had to look up Kokopelli, but this is a pretty good, if random, local reference.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“37 Record-Store Clerks Feared Dead In Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster” is perhaps The Onion’s greatest anti-hipster article, although only the 2nd-greatest story about massive fatalities involving music (the greatest being 1999’s “Roof On Fire Claims Lives Of 43 Party People”).
This is 2002, and so The Onion can still make jokes about record stores and Blockbuster. I don’t know much about Yo La Tengo, only learning this week that the band’s name is based off of the hapless 1962 New York Mets (really!), but I did know they are one of those bands loved by critics, ignored by most.
It’s not just record clerks who die in this tragic roof collapse:
Also believed to be among the missing are seven freelance rock critics, five vinyl junkies, two 'zine publishers, an art-school dropout, and a college-radio DJ.
The Onion does a good job of writing a realistic news story without ever making you worry that real people died. Instead of sad memories shared about the dead, we get anecdotes about ironically worn Girl Scouts T-shirts, survivors’ opinions on Yo La Tengo recordings, and speculation about whether the club will be rebuilt in time for the Dismemberment Plan/Death Cab for Cutie show.
I can’t believe Death Cab has been around 20+ years.
The final paragraph is a cruel but probably accurate indictment of the worst hipster stereotypes:
"I haven't seen this much senseless hipster carnage since the Great Sebadoh Fire1 Of '93," said rescue worker Larry Kolterman, finding a green-and-gold suede Puma sneaker in the rubble. "It's such a shame that all those bastions of indie-rock geekitude had to go in their prime. Their cries of 'sellout' have been forever silenced."
“Suburban Dad Cracks Wise In Church Parking Lot” is a classic Dad jokes article, with Gil Schlerek’s topical references mortifying his teenage children and delighting acquaintances over 40.
Schlerek’s material is not exactly highbrow: “Dude, Where’s My Car” and “Who Let The Dogs Out?” are two of his go-tos. Schlerek also owns many Dave Barry books, which … look, you can enjoy Dave Barry without basing your personality on him.
Other teenagers besides Schlerek’s kids also dislike his humor:
“The other day, I was at their house for dinner, and he was joking that Mrs. Schlerek puts a lot of garlic in her spaghetti sauce to kill vampires. 'She's like Buffy The Vampire Killer,' he said. He didn't even get the name of the show right."
Schlerek is also criticized for his references to Marilyn Manson, who “nobody even likes,” which itself is a reference to The Onion’s January 2001 “Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People.”
The older folks, though? They love Gil.
"Gil's a real hoot," longtime friend Donald Pulewitz said. "Sometimes, he'll even tell—I don't know if he'd want me saying this—some of the saltier jokes." Pulewitz cited a 1998 ice-fishing trip during which Schlerek told a joke about a ventriloquist and a Native American that ended with one of the two principals having sex with a sheep.
I would ask y’all to write this joke out, but I don’t want you to get fired.
“Nevada To Phase Out Laws Altogether” is a fun fantastical scenario, although it does feel like a never-ending version of “The Purge.” Setting this story in Nevada doesn’t make the changes feel as drastic. Like, I would have loved a New Jersey version of this story playing off of “The Sopranos.”
The Onion quotes Nevada officials who are frank about the cost-benefit analysis. Sure, murder and rape will be legal, and tens of thousands of law enforcement will be out of a job, but there are upsides!
"Nothing stimulates employment like lawlessness," Raggio said. "We estimate that this move will create more than 400,000 jobs in such newly legal professions as prizefight rigger, ticket scalper, drug runner, bribe coordinator, and arsonist. In the construction industry alone, some 20,000 workers will be needed to build whorehouses and install stripper poles in fast-food restaurants."
The Onion closes the article by asking a local casino employee what he thinks.
"I've been waiting for this moment for 20 years," said Reno blackjack dealer Dale Everson, polishing his new machete while enjoying a lapdance. "Pretty soon, I won't have to worry about speeding tickets or emissions tests. Only the common sense and inherent decency of the people of Nevada will govern this state. That'll be more than enough for me."
Our final “local” story feels like a retread of December 2001’s “Crazy Japanese Punk Girl Delights Entire Dorm Floor,” which was good college-dorm satire but walked the line of just being bad Japanese stereotypes.
“Japanese Exchange Student Taken To Japanese Restaurant” is a respectable writeup of an American host family trying way too hard and a Japanese student being too polite. This is also stereotypes but in a kindly way, I guess? I’m curious how this story reads for actual exchange students or host families.
Anyways, there are some minor adventures, like the Tucker family enjoying Japanese food for the 1st time or the Tucker family pointing out Japanese-made products in their Iowa home.
The article can be summed up by the last paragraph:
"I didn't understand what she was saying at first," Miyazawa said. "But after she said it four or five times, I realized she was saying 'mother' in Japanese. That was nice. Mrs. Tucker is very kind to me. I always make sure never to laugh at her."
Bill Clinton mention
We haven’t seen ol’ Bill around for a while, but “Clinton Dragged Up On Stage To Sing 'Sweet Home Alabama' With The Band” is a 1990s Onion throwback of Regular Guy Bill Clinton.
For some reason, he’s watching a local cover band in Little Rock, Ark. He also stays on stage to sing "Friends In Low Places."
Joe Biden mention
Biden is one of the people on the street that The Onion talks to “Arafat Under Fire,” which is about the longtime PLO leader Yasser Arafat. This is not a good look for Joe but is also a sort of honesty more senators should practice:
"I honestly have no clue what's going on with that whole Arab-Israeli mess. And I'm Sen. Joseph Biden (D-DE), chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee."
Joseph Biden • Senator
Other Area People news
Here are a few other short articles in The Onion from April 10, 2002:
“Architect's Friends All Have Great Idea For A Building”: You could write this headline a million times by changing the first word and the last word. I’m a fan of it. My favorite idea here is “100-story, subterranean ‘groundscrapers’ that would be impervious to terrorist attack.”
“Lutheran Minister Arrested On Charges Of Boring Young Children”: This is a direct response to all the (mostly Catholic) sexual abuse allegations in the news. You might remember other Onion stories about this denomination, such as 1997’s “Local Lutheran Minister Loves To Fuck His Wife.”
“Either Jay Leno A Repeat Or P. Diddy Got Arrested Again”: This is the most 2002 story in this issue. Hell, maybe the most 2002 story of all of 2002.
“Breakup Doesn't Seem To Have Changed Relationship”: I think many of us have known people like this, although it was more during college for me.
Were the infographics good?
“Tax-Code Changes” has 2 notable typos — “April15” and “approaching.What” each missing a space — and a joke about the 2001 tax rebates of $300, like probably every tax joke of that era did. The rest of the jokes are mostly random, but they’re OK.
I do enjoy that last joke — I’m still amazed anyone would, for example, donate $3 to the presidential campaign fund.
“Have You Been Working Out?” is a great collection of evasive or noncommittal answers. Well, except for No. 6, which is just defeatist.
What columnists ran?
“What Does Not Kill Me Only Makes Me Whinier” for some reason reminds me of being on Amtrak, when I occasionally sit in earshot of someone having a 2-hour conversation. It’s really more of a 2-hour monologue, and this person is always suffering from the fools around them.
I mean, I sympathize with these problems. I, too, do not like when a bus is 9 minutes past its listed time. But the level of complaining is far higher than the indignity endured:
So go on, world, I dare you. Sling your arrows at me. Steal my designated parking space. Cause every ballpoint pen in my possession to prematurely run out of ink. Give me an ice-cream headache. Ensure that my neighborhood drugstore no longer stocks my favorite body wash. Do your worst, world! For my capacity to piss and moan will always prevail.
Our other column is the latest entry in the “Ask A …” series — a column where letter-writers seek advice and the columnist completely ignores them. In “Ask A Guy Trying To Describe What He Saw On Nova Last Night,” the episode was about bugs, and bug sex, and this guy’s mind was blown. However, he’s also terrible at describing it:
These are, like, tiny-ass bugs. Their whole brain is the size of I don't even know what. A single piece of salt, maybe? My roommates were like, "How do they do that shit?" and I was just like, "Shit, man, don't ask me."
Congrats to “Nova” for making an Onion article in 2002 and still being on the air in 2022.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Taurus, because I keep hearing that low-rise jeans are coming back, for some reason.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You're not the kind of person who can wear those fashionably low jeans, mostly because you can't figure out how pants are supposed to work.
What holds up best?
That Cheney hair photo has always made me laugh, but I have to go with “Architect's Friends All Have Great Idea For A Building” because it’s a perfect joke design, no pun intended.
What holds up worst?
Those 2 front-page headlines are the worst jokes here. That said, this is a solid issue where little is embarrassing or completely unfunny 20 years later.
What would be done differently today?
More politics, although sneaking the Biden quote into the Arafat item was a nice touch. These local stories feel like they could publish today, even if 1 or 2 of them would be turned into a slideshow instead of an article.
Thank you
Thanks for hanging with me the past couple of weeks while I figured out how to work a full week, travel and write this. We’ll see you next week!
I don't know if the Nova article is based on a real episode, but the beetle beer bottle thing is true: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julodimorpha_bakewelli