20 years ago, The Onion parodied Bruce Lee's "Enter The Dragon"

Let's visit Donald Rumsfeld's Fang Island, a confused best man, Jackie Harvey's Oscar reactions and much more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 17, 2004.

This week, I have mixed feelings about stories I loved in 2004. We’ll also revisit current events from 2004, including the 2004 Oscars and the Madrid bombings.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 40, Issue 11, the 184th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.

The wonderful front-page headline “Song From Area Man's Past Comes Back To Rock Him” is no longer online.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Donald Rumsfeld

One of the great things about “Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament At Remote Island Fortress” is that I found it funny in 2004 without realizing it was a play on the Bruce Lee movie “Enter The Dragon.” And I still think it’s funny despite not having seen the movie.

The Onion had 2 approaches to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. One was to quote him seriously in “news’ articles about the Bush administration. The other was to undermine his super-serious persona by making him do ridiculous things, like be a doll forced to marry Dick Cheney.

Rumsfeld has gathered fighters at Fang Island¹ for this fight-to-the-death tournament, described as such:

Rumsfeld then declared the tournament open by symbolically shattering a block of obsidian with his prosthetic dragon's claw—the powerful weapon grafted onto his right wrist after 2003 champion Li severed his hand with manji butterfly swords.

"Who can deny that conflict is a purifying flame which sears away cowardice, hesitation, sentiment—all that which is unworthy in Man?" Rumsfeld said, stroking his albino cheetah. "And my fighting arena is the crucible which concentrates that fire into the refined white heat of invincibility. The victor of my Eagle Fist Tournament shall be, by nature and definition, unsurpassed in the ways of the warrior. Such a fighter is fit to be the instrument of Rumsfeld."

Li also gave Rumsfeld a scar on his neck, receiving one in return. "He was an enemy of freedom, and he dishonored us with his treachery,” Rumsfeld says.

Left: Rumsfeld's Fang Island headquarters. Right: Sun Chang (right) fights Ebony Avalanche for Rumsfeld's amusement.

I like the profiles of the various fighters vying to be named King Of Eagle Fist. Names like Steele Saxon, Jack "Chocolate Lightning" Garrison, Ebony Avalanche and Sun Chang feel more like “Street Fighter” names, but that’s close enough.

This is a nice mix of Bruce Lee movie satire, mocking the Bush administration’s foreign policy and having fun with silly character names.

Other political items in this issue include:

• “Bush Calls Incumbency Key Issue Of Campaign”: This is a less funny version of January 2004’s “Bush 2004 Campaign Pledges To Restore Honor And Dignity To White House.” The main difference is that Bush embraces incumbency instead of pretending like he’s an outsider.

• “The Madrid Train Bombings”: The Onion asks people on the street what they think of this terrorist attack, which occurred right before national elections and likely succeeded in getting Spain out of Iraq. There are a few jokes about the Basques and Guernica, as well as this reminder:

  • "Man, maybe we should have tried to track down Osama bin Laden after Sept. 11."

    Roger Carter • Deliveryman

The Onion’s love of special-interest groups

Or, to be more precise, The Onion loved inventing special-interest groups, including raccoons and penis-enlargement activists and machete-rights advocates.

This week, we have the Coalition Of Unconcerned Americans, who wish politicians would stop talking about important issues that they don’t care about:

"Politicians are completely out of touch with those Americans who are completely out of touch with politics," Fisher said. "Why is Congress always debating foreign policy and tariffs and social security and stuff? How can they claim to represent the views of the people when the people don't know anything about all that legislative nonsense? The CUA represents the views and beliefs of those Americans who care the least."

Recent elections have not suffered from low turnout or enthusiasm, so it’s worth noting that the 1996 and 2000 presidential elections had dreadfully low turnout. This visible apathy drove such satire in early 2004.

Three CUA members half-heartedly address lawmakers in Washington.

This article contains a lot of stereotypical Generation X apathy and Clinton-era “It’s the economy, stupid” politics. So, while that’s interesting to re-read in 2024, is it funny? Maybe not.

According to preliminary polling conducted by the CUA, the 108th Congress is vastly out of step with the American people. In a telephone poll, the CUA asked randomly selected citizens to list their most pressing goals. Of the top four, only one, "finding a job," was discussed in Congress this session. The other three—"getting something to eat," "finding something to do," and "maybe hanging out"—have all been ignored by Washington lawmakers.

Area People doing Area Things

Ashland, the best-man-to-be.

Sometimes, I find a story less amusing 20 years later, and it’s because I’m different, not that The Onion became less funny. “Best Man Has No Idea Why He Was Picked” is one of those stories.

Jeff Ashland has worked with Karl Harrison for 2 years but otherwise has no close connection. Yet, he’s the best man, a job he felt he couldn’t say “no” to:

"Karl came up to me with this big grin on his face, so I figured his business card was picked out of the fishbowl at the Gumbo Pot again," Ashland said. "But he told me he'd proposed to his girlfriend the night before. As I was congratulating him, trying desperately to remember Tracy's name, he dropped the bomb. He said it'd be 'awesome' if I'd be his best man. At first I thought he was making one of his non-funny jokes, but he was serious."

I laughed at this article in 2004, especially at how bewildered Ashland was. I still enjoy the writing today, but I feel bad for this poor guy who apparently has no one in his life other than his fiancee, Tracy.

I have to remind myself that these people aren’t real. Still, what a sad quote from Tracy:

"Karl's always talking about how nice it is to have someone as cool as Jeff at the office," Newman said. "God only knows what they're up to all day, but boys will be boys. It's great that Karl and Jeff got so close in so short a time, especially since Karl doesn't make friends easily."

Cosmic Stan asks for enough change to take a bus to the Riemannian manifolds.

Then we have a story like “Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics,” which I should not find as funny 20 years later.

After all, this poor man obviously needs help on multiple levels. He reminds me of the real-life mayor who died without a home in the very city he used to run.

The Onion is walking a fine line here, having fun with the idea of a homeless genius and skewering society’s lack of care for such people. But … it’s also still making fun of eccentric people living on the streets.

All that said, the writing is richly detailed, and I love that a doctoral student would notice “Cosmic Stan” and his knowledge of theoretical physics:

"I'd always see him around that bus stop, dressed in his ragged wool clothes, duct-taped shoes, and that plastic sheeting covered over with symbols drawn in magic-marker," Stanford Ph.D. candidate James Willard said. "Then, a few days ago, he was out there waving his tin-foil wand at random strangers, and I heard him yell, 'I demand that you buy me an ice-cream cone! My third-favorite flavor is strange! My second-favorite is top! My favorite flavor is anti-charmed!' Suddenly, I realized the guy was talking about quarks."

This is verified by theoretical physics professor Carl Lundergaard, who notes that “Cosmic Stan” seems to understand not only physics but high-level math concepts, including Zermelo-Fraenkel set theory. However, the man tends to shout a lot of other, less-scientific phrasings:

"It's hard for the layperson to differentiate schizophrenic ramblings like 'Modernity chunk where the sink goes flying on the ping-pang' from legitimate terminology like 'Unstable equilibria lie on the nodal points of a separatrix in phase space.'"

Other Area People items include:

The front-page headline “Apparently Soccer Player Just Did Something Really Good” has not aged well, even if you don’t like soccer.

“British Girl Exotic Enough” feels, for better or worse, like something an American college student studying abroad would say.²

• “News Of Uncle's Death Deleted By Spam Filter”: It’s rather shocking that spam filters continue to vex us. I especially enjoy the last line: “While the death notice did not reach Rawson, 14 offers for low-cost Cialis did.”

• “Sheets Changed After Every Breakup”: The Onion helpfully says the single set of sheets has been washed 13 times since May 2001 — or roughly once every 11 weeks.

• “Confusing Insult Awkwardly Clarified”: You might enjoy this insult when you realize she’s criticizing someone whose parents cover all the bills:

  • "Oh, I just meant, 'This is what a bill looks like,' as in... Well, you said that your parents still pay your credit-card bill for you," DuBois told Spellman. "So, I just sorta meant... you know, that you don't know what bills look like."

• “Leftover Christmas Billboard Stirs Seasonally Inappropriate Emotion”: I love the phrase “seasonally inappropriate emotion” but wish this was funnier.

Were the infographics good?

I’m sure “Return Of Dawn Of The Dead” was a big deal in 2004, especially for fans of the series and genre, but it seems a bit random now.

I like the joke about Dippin’ Dots being a sponsor of the new film, and “All zombies Arabs for some reason” is fine as a generic callout of post-9/11 attitudes.

But maybe I’m missing something. After all, I don’t think I’ve seen any of these movies, much less the 2004 version.

“At What Point On St. Patrick's Day Did We Pass Out” is perfectly fine as a holiday joke. “When Cardinal Egan delivered third roundhouse to the head” is about New York City’s late archbishop, who was based at St. Patrick’s Cathedral.

What columnists ran?

There are many, many tropes about how parents tell children about their dead dog, including “sending it to a farm upstate.” “Your Dog Is In Heaven Now, With No One To Feed Him” is a twist on this.

The column is a roller-coaster of good news/bad news delivered by the mom to her child Tommy. The bad news, of course, is that “Sparky got out of the backyard and ran in front of a truck.” The good news is that Sparky is in Doggie Heaven, just like they learned about in Sunday school.

Unfortunately, Tommy unravels this theory by asking 1 simple question: Who’s feeding Sparky? The mom says no one, concocting an elaborate picture of food-free Doggie Heaven:

Doggie Heaven has big, green fields for romping, and Sparky can chase all the rabbits and squirrels he wants. Everywhere you look, there are all kinds of rubber toys. But he'll probably be so hungry that he'll tear the rubber toys apart and eat them. Then he'll throw up, just like the time he ate the potpourri. I imagine he'll try to eat his own vomit, and then the angels up there will smack him with a rolled-up newspaper for being a bad dog.

She eventually moves on to guilting Tommy. After all, he wanted the dog and promised to feed it and take care of it. That’s not the angels’ job — or God’s!

Well, Tommy, you made a promise, and God will hold you to it, no matter how much Sparky howls and whimpers. I wouldn't be surprised if God chains Sparky outside until he learns how to be quiet, which might be a long time. You remember how spunky Sparky was. That was part of the reason that we loved him, wasn't it? Sparky had character, but God likes obedience. He won't take kindly to a dog with an attitude.

This is a horror story, but you only realize it slowly. I didn’t realize this until halfway through, as The Onion slowly revealed the knife twist.

Our other column is Jackie Harvey, who returns with “Once Again, Oscar Is King Of The Rings!”

Jackie has a new intro, which he’s very proud of. You be the judge:

I've got a lot on my plate this week, loyal Harveyheads. There's been an avalanche of events in the world of entertainment, so grab those boots! We're going snowboarding—in Hollywood!

Jackie Harvey’s charm is that he loves entertainment but is terrible at names, places and facts. Here are a few of his mistakes/malapropisms:

• It was the 76th Academy Awards, not the 75th.³

• The Onion consistently had Harvey mangle “Lord of the Rings.” This time, the movie is “Lord Of The Kings: The Return Of The Rings.”

• This one is incredible for the sheer number of errors. In real life, Annie Lennox won Best Original Song, and Liv Tyler played Arwyn.

  • “It was good to see former Eurythmic and Lennox air-conditioner heir Lennox Lewis get some recognition for singing and playing the part of the elf-princess Arwyn.”

• Shawn "Spicoli" Penn: I wish Sean Penn used his “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” name as a nickname.

• A couple of weeks ago, The Onion satirized “The Passion of the Christ.” This week, Harvey calls it “The Passion Of Jesus Christ Superstar.” There’s also a reference to “troubled Roman leader Pontius Pilot.”

• Harvey also comments on the (then) last episode of “Sex and the City” but confuses it with “Friends” by mentioning the “Joey” spinoff.

Anyways, I love Jackie Harvey, but he challenges you to remember pop-culture arcana from 20 years ago.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Leo, with the most “hey, it’s 2004!” reference of the year:

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You'll achieve fame and get into all the best clubs when Danger Mouse mixes you into his next album.

What holds up best?

Despite my mixed feelings, “Best Man Has No Idea Why He Was Picked” feels just as relevant now as it did in 2004.

What holds up worst?

The front-page headline “Apparently Soccer Player Just Did Something Really Good” would be ridiculous now. You don’t have to like or watch soccer, but you can’t pretend it’s a weird, unknown sport.

What would be done differently today?

It’s hard to see The Onion running a lengthy Bruce Lee-inspired parody on any politician — and certainly not any recent secretary of defense!

I also think “Raving Lunatic Took Some Advanced Physics” wouldn’t publish today. This isn’t a massive loss, but I do think it’s imaginative writing worth updating in some way.

Thank you

Grateful to be writing this, and grateful to have y’all reading, liking and sharing.

Next week, we revisit an old favorite of mine, “Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars.” We’ll also look back at “Tuesdays With Morrie” and Homer — very different reading experiences. See you then!

1. The 2000s indie rock band Fang Island is named after this article’s dateline.

2. For what it’s worth, I knew a couple of people in college who studied in the U.K. specifically in the hopes of marrying a Brit (and succeeded!). These were women pursuing British men, however.

3. I don’t know who Harvey’s referring to here: “Speaking of classy, the gowns were gorgeous, but the magic was almost ruined by that woman in the brown dress. Apparently, she wrote and directed a movie about Japan, but I've never heard of it.”