20 years ago, The Onion forced Cheney and Rumsfeld to wed
We also revisit 2003's lotto winners, Wal-Mart, the economy, and summer music festivals.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit July 9, 2003.
I got home from vacation at midnight last night, so this newsletter’s later than usual. I’m not unhappy to be back, but a life of no obligations in beautiful San Diego is also nice.
Last week brought an interesting comment about “Woman Doesn't Have Single Photo Where She's Not Hugging Someone”:
The photo hugger article when read online feels like a click-bait article- where are the pictures I asked as I kept scrolling.
This is a great reminder of a few things:
The Onion’s print edition wasn’t heavy on photos — usually 1-2 photos/illustrations per story, at most. The website was just a copy of the newspaper — no extra content of any kind. A lot has changed in 20 years here.
My bias of writing 150+ of these newsletters meant I didn’t notice this disconnect because that’s how every article is. Nor did I think about the online reading experience versus print.
Our expectations change over time — I suspect readers didn’t expect more photos in 2003 because there were just fewer photos in print or online.
As always, your comments are super-helpful! Please keep them coming.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 26, the 153rd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003 and today. Internet Archive didn’t preserve the 2013 version.
The front-page headlines “Short Film Drags On” and “First-Grader Wants Monkeypox”1 are no longer online. The latter reminds us that the 2022 outbreak was far from the first!
What was the top story, and other impressions?
My favorite political stories from The Onion tend to be silly, even when influenced by real-life events and/or criticizing a policy or politician. And if nothing else, “Giant Girl Forces Playthings Cheney And Rumsfeld To Wed” is silly.
This is the latest in The Onion’s vaguely horror-like tour of the Bush administration, following “Ashcroft Orders Staff To Chain Him Tightly Before Next Full Moon” and “Ashcroft Rejected By Newly Created Bride Of Ashcroft.”
The premise is that this is literally a giant girl using real-life people as dolls. That’s it! But it’s effective, especially in describing the terror many White House and Cabinet officials face.
This article was likely influenced by the Supreme Court’s Lawrence V. Texas decision of June 2003. The Onion surely was amused to force gay marriage on Bush administration officials:2
"Dick, do you take Donald to be your lawfully wedded wife?" Alice asked Cheney. "'Yes, yes I do!' And Donald, do you take Dick to be your lawfully wedded husband? 'Yes! Yes! Oh, yes!'"
After pronouncing Cheney and Rumsfeld husband and wife, Alice ordered the trembling vice-president to kiss his equally frightened "bride," then bumped the two men's torsos against one another repeatedly in a crude simulation of kissing.
"Kissy kiss kiss," Alice said. "Dick and Donald love each other."
Also facing involuntary physical assault are Commerce Secretary Don Evans, HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson (oft-mentioned in this newsletter), and National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, who’s lost her dress and had her hair brushed roughly.
I also enjoyed this anecdote:
While federal officials have remained calm thus far, many fear that Alice's play will become more violent if left unchecked. Beltway insiders point to Monday's switching of Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham's head with that of Labor Secretary Elaine Chao.
For the record, 7-year-old Alice is 60 feet tall, her mother is 95 feet tall, and her father is 110 feet tall. So, if regular Alice were 3.5 feet tall, that would make her mother and father roughly 5-foot-6 and 6-foot-5, respectively.
The economy of 2003
The Onion didn’t cover Iraq or anything else political this week. But the shaky economy — and, more importantly, people’s economic anxiety — was reflected in several articles.
“Man With Shitty Job Just Doing This Until He Gets Fired” is a fun twist on the employee biding time until a better opportunity arises.
Pondering the time frame for his next career move, Graser said he hopes to get caught sweeping trash under the bread rack sometime in the next three to four months.
“Is The Economy Turning Around?” has The Onion asking people about the Dow Jones Industrial Average surpassing 9,000. The jokes are solid, and my favorite is this overly literal observation:
"As a hurdler, I must warn you: Even though the economy has cleared this hurdle, there will likely be more hurdles to hurdle soon."
Kathie Coombes • Hurdler
The U.S. economy of 2003 is also reflected in 2 of the main articles: “Insecurities Laid Bare In Wal-Mart Shopping Cart” and “Lottery Winner An Inspiration To All Who Play The Lottery.”
Wal-Mart became the world’s largest company by revenue in 2002 and was becoming unavoidable in the U.S.3
At this particular Wal-Mart, 40-year-old Anita Dolger’s life is collapsing, as evidenced by her shopping cart:
"One look at [Dolger's] shopping cart betrays her deep-seated anxieties about everything from her family's financial outlook to her ability to hold her husband's interest sexually," said psychotherapist and bestselling author Dr. Shari Berman. "From the looks of her cart, that poor woman is hanging on by a thread."
Dolger is also insecure about her looks, and she’s trying to escape through an “As Seen on TV” compilation CD of easy-listening sounds and scented candles.
"What's this?" Berman continued. "Do I spy a springform pan? Anita can just add that to all the others in the cupboard. I know she dreams of being a great chef, but that pan won't change the fact that she'll never muster the lifeforce necessary to cook a gourmet meal."
There’s also economic uncertainty, as Dolger’s husband recently suffered a pay cut.
This article is probably meaner than it needs to be, but it’s effective. Also, The Onion sets this story at a real-life Wal-Mart in Owings Mills, Md., that closed in 2021.
“Lottery Winner An Inspiration To All Who Play The Lottery” is like a Horatio Alger-like tale of rising from poverty through hard work, except the hard work is playing the lottery consistently.
It’s also a satire of a $183 million payout from late June 2003 and fawning media coverage like this CNN article that referred to 2003 as “the Summer of Cash.”
Teddy LeBarge’s $193 million Mega Millions win inspires countless Americans to … buy more lottery tickets:
"This man didn't just hit the jackpot the first time he ever bought a ticket," said Carla Brooke of Batavia, NY. "He'd been going down to that gas station for years. It just goes to show you that there's no such thing as an overnight success."
LeBarge is a classic American folk tale: The son of factory workers, he worked hard every week so that, on payday, he could “buy myself a carton of cigarettes, six-pack of Busch, and a few lottery tickets.”
Forgive the soapbox, but lotteries are regressive and take money from citizens — even more so than casinos. However, The Onion solely makes fun of people who play the lottery, not the governments that create and promote these drawings:
"The world can't help but look up to him," said Brenda Kenyon, a Brookfield, WI, daycare worker who buys about 20 scratch-off lottery tickets a week. "It's so wonderful what he did, such a beautiful story. He truly is a lottery winner."
"I see a lot of myself in Teddy LeBarge," Kenyon added. "He's someone who wanted to have a lot of money with little to no effort. And I do, too. More than anything else in the world."
Area People doing Area Things
I always like a good sales story in The Onion. We’ve reviewed sales meetings and “There's No 'My Kid Has Cancer' In Team” in this newsletter, and 2004’s all-time classic “Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move” is about a sales rep for a water-filtration services company
“Kick-Ass Sales Proposal Written” is about an air-filtration services company called Air-izona Air Filtration Systems, where sales rep Wayne Gorlin is very excited about his proposal for an air purifier:
"This baby covers every possible use," said Gorlin, who spent nearly three weeks writing and refining the client-centered proposal. "Some of the other guys in the office don't take the time to put something nice together. Or maybe they just don't have the know-how. I've been working in sales for almost 16 years, so I do."
Honestly, this guy sounds pretty prepared — he knows the product, understands that different types of businesses need different types of air purifiers, and makes personalized outreach instead of form letters.
This article’s humor is less about Gorlin and more about a sobering truth: No one cares about your job as much as you do.
Other Area People items include:
“Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month”: This article mentions real-life Shape editor-in-chief Barbara Harris, who quit this job in October 2003 and has been a board-certified health care chaplain for many years!
“Midwesterners Descend On Insurance Company's Free Nail Files”: I don’t know whether Midwesterners especially love nail files and business cards that turn into sponges, but everyone loves free stuff.
“Millionaire Thinks Of Self As Upper-Middle Class”: A timeless reminder that even wealthy people rarely feel wealthy. Love this quote: "I know plenty of people who make way more than I do, but I get by with what I have."
“Woman Masturbates To Concept Of Commitment” is quite specific about each part of the headline.
Finally, we have these 2 front-page headlines with photos but no article: “Woman Seems Too Hot To Be Riding Bus” and “Rice Krispie Treat Eaten In 8" x 8" Square,” both of which amused me. I also took a lot of buses in the past week, for what it’s worth.
Were the infographics good?
20 years ago, I had just returned from a 6-week study abroad program in rural Italy. Someone in my apartment brought a Rolling Stone issue previewing the summer tours. That memory hadn’t come up in many years until I saw this infographic.
“Summer Music Festivals” doesn’t feel connected to 2003, as it doesn’t mention real-life tours or festivals. That said, I love the Smuckers and Citibank jokes. The Colossus of Prog lineup is also amusing, and I barely know Yes’ music.
“Top Reasons For Retirement, U.S. Carnival Workers” is a goofy front-page infographic, although “bumper-car lung” would probably be the only joke I’d remember next week if you asked me. The 1st and 6th jokes feel painfully realistic.
What columnists ran?
“Here Are Reviews Of Some New Shit” is literally just Jim Anchower reviewing cultural things he’s interacted with. Sadly, The Onion’s current website continues to be a mess — Anchower’s reviews include a 1- to 5-star scale, which you can see by viewing the 2003 version.
Also, Anchower actually likes his job and hasn’t quit or been fired, which is very unusual. Unfortunately, they cut back his hours, so he needs a 2nd job.
For brevity, I’ll share the highlights of Anchower’s reviews:
Led Zeppelin, “How The West Was Won”: A triple-CD live album. It’s so long that one buzz can’t sustain Anchower through the whole thing.
“The Matrix Reloaded”: Liked the fight scenes, slept through most of the rest.
“Daddy Day Care”: Disliked.
“American Idol”: “They should stick to the tried-and-true rule: ‘More rock, less talk.’”
“Animal Crossing” (GameCube): “I already have to get a second job that pays. Why the hell do I want a third job that doesn't? And on a videogame, yet.”
Our other column is “Ask The Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag,” which is immediately my favorite headline of this issue. It’s part of The Onion’s advice-column series, where the letter-writers don’t receive the answers they seek.
For example, in response to a letter complaining about bad dry-cleaner service, our columnist writes:
According to legend, the Milwaukee potato chip was born in 1854 when steamship captain and restaurant patron Heinrich Van Der Linus sent his fried potatoes back to the kitchen, saying they were too thin and salty. Annoyed, the chef hacked a baking potato with his wife's pinking shears, tossed the angular chunks into carefully spiced saffroot oil, and fried them to a crisp… and the Munchwaukee Wunderkrunch was born!
This column is an acquired taste, no pun intended.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Sagittarius for this timeless observation about (wonderful) grandmothers.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your bossiness and predilection for minding other people's business are important parts of being the World's Best Grandma.
What holds up best?
There are many good options this week, but “Kick-Ass Sales Proposal Written” resonates. In my career, I’ve regularly witnessed how passionate people are about their niche jobs — and how most people do not share that passion.
What holds up worst?
“First-Grader Wants Monkeypox,” probably? That said, let me know in the comments if your 1st-grader was unusually jazzed about monkeypox last summer.
What would be done differently today?
The Wal-Mart and lottery stories are sneakily cruel to regular folks. Maybe it’s just me — the tone felt slightly off.
Some of these items would be slideshows instead of articles or infographics— the summer music festivals item, in particular.
Thank you
Appreciate y’all for opening this newsletter each week.
Next Sunday, we’ll examine the White House bachelor auction, confusing cultural tattoos, and someone complaining about an adult website.
The CDC reported on a Midwest outbreak in early July 2003.
Cheney, in hindsight, is not as funny a pick as Attorney General John Ashcroft would have been. By 2004, Cheney broke with President George W. Bush on opposing a constitutional ban on gay marriage, citing his daughter Mary.
I made a map of store openings as of July 1, 2003, to illustrate Wal-Mart’s reach.