20 years ago, The Onion commented on affirmative action
20 years ago, The Onion commented on affirmative action
RIP Strom Thrumond, plus George W. Bush declares war on criticism, the media stirs up fear, and a woman is hugging someone in every photo.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit July 2, 2003.
Welcome back after a week off. The Onion did publish a print issue on June 25, 2003, but it contained old Onion stories.
Today’s my 40th birthday, and I’m on vacation. So I’ve written this further ahead of time than usual. Thanks for being here, and I hope you enjoy revisiting The Onion’s shenanigans with me.
If you’re new here, please sign up!
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 25, the 152nd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today.
The headlines “Strom Thurmond Finally, Finally Dies” and “Yard Sale Reeks Of Divorce” are no longer online. The Strom headline’s a bit disappointing given The Onion’s rich history of Strom articles.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Bush Asks Congress For $30 Billion To Help Fight War On Criticism” reflects the political landscape of mid-2003, where everything was a “war on” something and where security and anti-terrorism usually trumped other any other concerns. This article is also a direct reaction to President George W. Bush, who in mid-June 2003 called critics of the Iraq war “revisionist historians.”
That bit of context is important — to me, at least. This article is parodying real life rather than being a generic anti-Bush article that could have been published at any point in the 2000s.1
Bush is unhappy that criticism remains alive despite success in Afghanistan and Iraq and the ascendancy of Fox News. We also hear from Vice President Dick Cheney, who wants “anti-criticism defense shields,” a la missile shields. And I enjoy this quote from Attorney General John Ashcroft, who was fine with criticism previously:
"We've become too complacent," Attorney General John Ashcroft said. "We've grown accustomed to thinking of criticism as something that only happens to people in other political parties. But this administration needs this funding to counter a very real threat to its reputation."
The Onion also quotes Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, as saying protecting the U.S. against criticism “will not be cheap, easy, or quick” — parroting future Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels’ congressional testimony in 2002.
The Onion closes the article with its typical cynicism about all politicians:
"We're all in this together," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said. "You attack one American politician, you attack us all."
Other real-life news
This issue is full of Area Man stories, but The Onion also made room for political and media commentary.
First, The Onion asked people what they thought of “The Affirmative-Action Decision” by the Supreme Court that upheld college admissions policies incorporating race. Of course, this week, the Court updated its reasoning.
I’m not saying I approve of this quote, but it feels like something people still blurt out:
"I dated a black guy once. I just wanted to say that."
Michelle Ardmore • Waitress
Other news-y stories include:
“Soldier Hoping We Invade Someplace Tropical Next”: This National Guard member hopes for a Cuban invasion and “is ‘so jealous’ of his uncle Stephen, who got to invade Grenada in 1983.”
“Newsweek Editors Argue Over What To Make Readers Fear Next”: The Onion quotes Jon Meacham, who somehow became managing editor at 29. This sentence is such an indictment of the scare-mongering present in legacy media and local TV news:
“Among the other ideas the editors proposed: the possible link between laptop computers and stomach cancer, the potential threat of water-supply poisoning by terrorists, and stunning new Biblical evidence pointing to April 4, 2004, as the date of the apocalypse.”
Parents in the news
The Onion loved stories about Christian ministers who were obsessed with sex (in a lusty way, not an abusive way). 1997’s “Local Lutheran Minister Loves To Fuck His Wife” epitomizes this approach.
In “Minister Constantly Mentioning Teenage Son's Virginity,” Faith United Presbyterian Church minister Donald Genzler2 is just as proud of his son not fucking:
"It's not easy to grow up in this confusing world, where everyone tells you to 'just do it,'" said Genzler, continuing his sermon. "You teenagers out there should know that not everyone's 'doing it.' My son Paul is not 'doing it.'"
16-year-old Paul Genzler, seated in the 3rd row, is unhappy about this shoutout. And to be fair to Paul, do you want your sexual status on a big public sign?
Paul receives praise from many fellow parishioners, and I’m sure it’s great to have adults complimenting your sexual restraint after services. Paul can’t stop his father’s bragging, but he dodges requests to speak at summer camp and start an abstinence group at school.
Is Paul a virgin? That question goes unanswered.
“Man Forgets He Has Infant Strapped To Back” is a fantastic combination of photo and headline. There’s no article, sadly. Look how intense the dad is!
“8-Year-Old Obviously Packed Own Lunch” is also really good. My God, that’s a lot of junk food in one house.
More Area People doing Area Things
These 2 stories are a microcosm of what I love most about The Onion — how it resembled a small-town newspaper reporting on humanity’s foibles and quirks.
“Woman Doesn't Have Single Photo Where She's Not Hugging Someone” is a reminder that this phenomenon existed before social media!
Friends and co-workers eagerly share their stories of Krista Stoddard’s hugging — even when she’s not with anyone:
More disturbingly, Donohue noted that even in the photos where Stoddard is alone, she is depicted in the act of hugging.
"She has a lot of photos where she's hugging her favorite stuffed rabbit, Señor Nose," Donohue said. "There are pictures of her with her arms around a statue of Abe Lincoln, and even one of her squeezing a yield sign. Maybe she doesn't know what else to do with her arms."
Whenever The Onion wrote about society in the early 2000s, they invariably talked to a professor, psychologist or doctor. Here, it’s Dr. Andrew Pulsipher, author of “True Exposure: The Psychology Of Photos,” which is a great book title.
Again, I find this story most interesting because Stoddard isn’t posting for attention on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok or anywhere else. Even if she was using early 2000s photo services like Webshots, it’s clear she likes hugging people — and some Onion writer had a friend like this.
“Bowling-Alley Owner Wants TV Ad To Look 'More Matrix-y'“ is a very 2003 joke about “The Matrix,” but it’s also a good reminder of the goofy ways local businesses advertised on TV (here’s a great collection of local ads).3
Menasha Lanes owner Bob Dieber is trying real hard to make bowling seem like the Matrix:
The ad, as scripted, features Dieber bowling in a dark trenchcoat similar to the one worn by Laurence Fishburne's Matrix character Morpheus. After bowling a strike, Dieber turns to the camera, strikes a martial-arts pose, and says, "At Menasha Lanes, you are The One."
Apparently, he’s unhappy with the current production value and would like floating bowling balls, the multi-camera freeze shots and other staples of “The Matrix” movies. Already, one cameraman has hurt his ankle trying to improve the filming:
"He's really hands-on with his ads, but in the end, he doesn't really know what he's getting into," Schuba said. "He wants full CGI effects, multiple-camera stuff, stop-action filming. You just can't do that stuff on a $900 budget."
As you might expect, this bowling-alley owner has parodied films before: “Terminator 2,” “Wayne’s World” and “Austin Powers”:
"People really got a kick out of that one," Dieber said. "I can't tell you how many people would see me in the street or standing in line at the post office and shout, 'Hey, Terminator!' Years later, I still get that every now and again."
A lot can change in 20 years. I doubt today’s kids are growing up with a collective cultural awareness of local businesses’ commercials.
Other Area People stories include:
“Man Who Hasn't Moved In Six Hours Repeatedly Welcomed Back By TV”: This article references the reality show “Blind Date,” which was rebooted in 2019 for 1 season.
“Wisconsin Has Crush On Minnesota”: I’m laughing, but this is really stupid.
“Security Guard Makes Passing Women Feel Unsafe”: Less funny than plausible.
Were the infographics good?
“Pottermania Yet Again” is full of jokes I only vaguely understand because I’ve never read the books or watched the movies. (I’ve also never heard of “Dragonriders of Pern.”)
Can a children’s book dominate the culture as much as “Harry Potter” anymore? Seems like a tall order, for so many reasons.
“Most Popular Fiddle Songs” is a bit lazy — a typical “make fun of the South and/or other hicks — but did I enjoy the jokes and wordplay? Yes, I did.
What columnists ran?
“I Can Beat The Price You're Paying For Sperm” is a column with a formula I’ve discussed before — one basic joke, repeated in different forms with intricate levels of detail.
Here, as you might imagine, our columnist says he can cut out the middleman and make a direct deposit. And he’s willing to haggle, going from $450 for 1 delivery down to $250 for 2!
This is also a satire of door-to-door salesman techniques:
You don't want to buy sperm from some big, impersonal bank with outlets all over the country, do you? You want the personal touch. You want it from a person—a real, live flesh-and-blood human being. If you can't look your donor in the eye, can you really trust his sperm?
All in all, this is well-written, but slightly unpleasant. That said, it’s still a relevant topic in 2023!
“It's Not Nice To Be Smarter Than Other People” feels very modern because it’s too honest — people don’t like being exposed for failing to know things or being not that bright overall.
So often, this type of column criticizes the delivery — “don’t be condescending!” or “be constructive, not smarmy.” Helen Heep goes for the root cause:
What's friendly about bringing up some article about the Mideast crisis you read in The New York Times? Not much, that's for certain. No, it's friendlier to say unchallenging things and let everyone feel like they know as much as you do.
Things you shouldn’t talk about include jazz artists, astronomy, abstract art, the 1st Amendment, Stanley Kubrick and the capital of Illinois.
Helen is a pretty cutting writer for being not smart:
Smart people are the loneliest people in the world. They don't have anyone to talk to except other smart people, and who wants to join a conversation between two smart people? No one I know.
What was the best horoscope?
This week’s horoscopes uncover a real problem — cast-aside lackeys:
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Rough times lie ahead of you in the financial and personal arenas when you're suddenly cut from 50 Cent's entourage.4
What holds up best?
“Woman Doesn't Have Single Photo Where She's Not Hugging Someone” is remarkable because it feels like it’s describing a Facebook or Instagram-era habit, but it’s before those platforms existed.
The Onion in the early 2000s occasionally had Luddite tendencies (2001’s “New Technological Breakthrough To Fix Problems Of Previous Breakthrough” is one of the better ones), and it’s rare to see them ahead of the curve.
I also love “Man Forgets He Has Infant Strapped To Back.”
What holds up worst?
I’ve already said this, but “Strom Thurmond Finally, Finally Dies” could have been more. I guess I can’t blame The Onion for being tired of writing about this ancient guy who wouldn’t die.
What would be done differently today?
The Onion’s 2003 article about the affirmative action ruling continues the early-2000s habit of mocking bigotry by eagerly using all the bad words. I’ve discussed this before.
"I'm not surprised. Have you seen who's on that court? A black, a coupla women, a Catholic, and at least two homos."
Don Brophy • Auto Mechanic
Contrast that with The Onion’s response to the Supreme Court’s 2023 ruling, which includes “I Decided To Become A Slave So One Day My Descendants Could Steal College Admissions Spots” and “Harvard Admits First White Student.”
Even if you don’t enjoy the 2023 reactions, there’s real storytelling involved, not just ironically repeating bad things.
Thank you
Appreciate y’all for roughly 3.5 years now of this newsletter. We’ll see you back here next week!
It’s worth noting Bush’s approval rating in 2003 started and closed at 63%, never dipping below 50%. He never touched 60% again after the 1st Gallup poll of 2004, however.
This collection of Chicago ads is also good.
2003 was a busy year for his entourage (scroll to the end)!
The fiddle tunes broke me up!
Happy birthday, James!
The photo hugger article when read online feels like a click-bait article- where are the pictures I asked as I kept scrolling.