20 years ago, The Onion wrote about unsolicited parenting advice

We also have lots of topical content, such as John Ashcroft, Ozzy Osbourne, Kmart, Pope John Paul II, the War on Drugs and (again) "E.T"

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 27, 2002.

This is one of the more topical issues I’ve reviewed. Most of these articles and jokes are very dated, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be funny. We’ll dig into that more.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 38, Issue 11, the 97th Onion issue of the 2000s and the 96th issue of new content. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.

For the 3rd consecutive year, The Onion featured an “Easter Cards” feature, which isn’t online but you can see from its 2000 appearance.

The front-page headline “3-D Movie Character Uses Cane To Point To Things” is no longer online, and I wish I knew what it was referencing.

The front page also had 2 silly topical jokes. The joke about Attorney General John Ashcroft is similar to May 23, 2001’s “John Ashcroft: Obey” front-pager.

Ozzy, if you’re not familiar, bit off a dead bat’s head 40 years ago on stage.

John Ashcroft Silences Reporters With Warning Shot

Ozzy Osbourne Bites Head Off Five-Pound Chocolate Rabbit

What was the top story, and other impressions?

“Drugs Now Legal If User Is Employed” is a fascinating story, ahead of its time in terms of combining 2 great American political views: our love of substances and glorification of work.

The article is mostly stereotypes, but that’s kind of the point. Most of the quotes come from then-DEA chief (and current Arkansas Gov.) Asa Hutchinson, who admits to being high. But that’s fine, you see. On the other hand, if you live in Harlem:

"There's no point going after some cardiac surgeon who needs some speed to keep him sharp," Hutchinson said. "That's not what the law was intended to prevent. But the more destructive drug users—the addict who spends his welfare money on crack, the guy in Harlem who smokes marijuana—that is something that we as a society must not tolerate."

The Onion is not holding back. After noting that “Vitamin K” (Ketamine) users and Vicodin-popping housewives would be spared, Hutchinson describes the crackdown as a compassionate way of protecting the poor, who are less able to withstand addiction:

More money can be freed up to build prisons to keep chronically unemployed addicts in jail and off the streets—the only statistically proven method of improving an addict's chance of recovery.

This article has a political bias, sure, but it’s also well-written. Look at this quote, which starts with unusually progressive language for a Republican-appointed DEA chief but is ultimately revealed to be crime-and-punishment boilerplate:

"The new American motto is 'Work Hard, Play Hard,'" Hutchinson said. "Do a few bumps of coke at your gay friend's party. Go to your be-in or your Lollapalooza rave or whatever it's called this year. But you'd better make it in to work on Monday, buddy, or you're going to jail."

It’s an underrated achievement that The Onion basically took 1980s Wall Street and 2000s Silicon Valley’s ideas of “work hard, play hard” and turned it into Bush-era crime policy.

The Onion’s headlines with “gay” in them

“School Board Adopts Gay-Ass Uniform Policy” is one of those headlines that would be out of date even if, say, the Supreme Court overturned Obergefell tomorrow. This is a vocabulary that’s just not in use — at least not in a general-audience publication.

Rosie O’Donnell is mentioned for the 2nd straight week as The Onion asked people what they thought about “Gay Adoption.” O’Donnell had recently adopted. A lot of the jokes are … well, trying to differentiate between “regular” gays and the unacceptable types.

The joke that holds up best?

"Rosie O'Donnell and her kind should not be allowed to adopt. You have no idea how bad it fucks kids up to be raised by celebrities."

George Kiehl • Truck Driver

Real life in the news

Diehard pope fans wait patiently outside St. Peter's Basilica.

“Excited Catholics Already Lining Up For Pope's Funeral” publishes 3 full years before Pope John Paul II died, although he was in poor health most of that time.

It’s written like any article about people camping outside before a store opening or the latest “Star Wars” movie. Local characters include the pub owner who skipped his nephew’s wedding to be here, and the woman who won a radio contest by correctly spelling John Paul II’s birth name.

Some people claim to have spotted the pontiff, but his whereabouts are inconclusive.

Pope John Paul II, whose funeral is expected to take place sometime in the next few months.

This isn’t as good as 2001’s “Cardinals Blasted For Negative Campaign Tactics In Papal Race,” but it does have similar strong writing about Vatican intrigue and super-fans of cardinals:

"I've seen Cardinal Sadano¹ twice," said Milan resident Sofia Cucino, who runs the pope fan site Johnpaulrules.com. "I also saw Cardinal Grantin once and wanted to ask him to get the pope to sign my copy of Crossing The Threshold Of Hope², but I couldn't get his attention. I just hope it's not my last chance."

Experts believe that these people waiting in line are doing so for naught:

Continued Shear: "I think the best those poor Catholics can hope for is to be interviewed about their feelings on the pope's passing by local TV news affiliates while wailing in St. Peter's Square."

“Kmart’s Woes” have only gotten worse, as no new Kmart has opened in the past 20 years. As I write this, there are 4 Kmart stores left, soon to be 3. As I wrote recently in my work newsletter, department stores run in my family, and my mom worked at Kmart as a 2nd job 20 years ago to help me through college. Kmart’s failure as a business shouldn’t tarnish its workers and customers.

Anyways … sorry. What about the jokes! They aren’t bad. I especially laughed at “Finally allowing smart-ass teens to ride coin-operated horsey outside entrance.” Why did those stores have those horseys outside?

Other real-life topics covered this week include:

• “E.T. Toys Forced On Uninterested Children”: A good reminder that every generation has nostalgia they try to force on the next generation. This is reminiscent of December 2001’s “Parent Mad 6-Year-Old Didn't Like Peanuts
  Special.”

• “Colombian Rebel 25 Years Younger Than Colombian Civil War” isn’t so much funny as it is a true statement. The Onion could be cavalier about child soldiers, but to be fair, it was usually discussing real-life situations.

Area People doing Area Things

“Driver's Ed Class Finally Gets To See Legendary Safety Film” reminded me that I took driver’s ed over 20 years ago, but I sadly don’t remember much about it.

“Wheels of Tragedy” was a real film from the early 1960s, along with other films mentioned like “Signal 30,” “Highways Of Agony,” “Mechanized Death” and “Narcotics: Pit Of Despair.”

As such, The Onion is tapping into actual memories here. While I doubt those movies are in rotation today, this article provides a glimpse of 20th-century driver’s ed for millions of American teenagers.

Some teens arguably enjoy the film too much:

"It was awesome," said Craig Martsch, 16. "There was one part where this woman turned around to yell at her kids in the back seat and–wham–she slammed right into an oncoming truck. It's not on the level of Texas Chainsaw Massacre or anything, but for something you see in school, it was pretty damn gory."

Meanwhile, “Area Man Has Complete Prison-Survival Strategy Mapped Out” is a classic Onion template of the braggart who is really an idiot. For example, Josh Kroll thinks that being “pre-law as an undergrad” makes him qualified to offer legal advice, much less to fellow inmates.

I am someone who finds worst-case scenarios to be a helpful coping strategy, but this is more than I’m used to:

"Kroll, who has previously drafted survival strategies for getting lost in the mountains, being kidnapped by South American drug lords, and falling into a polar-bear cage at the zoo, said his chances of surviving prison are "good to very good."

This story leans heavily on the TV show “Oz” and the broader trope that prisons are basically lawless dens of physical and sexual violence. So, know that before you click.

And, once again, The Onion consults an academic for a take on this sociological phenomenon. This academic doubts Kroll’s ability to survive prison and uses some strong language to say so.

Other Area People items this week include:

• “Man Hopes Hot Woman In Next Apartment Can Hear How Well He's Fucking His Girlfriend”: Maybe the headline was too long to fit “Area Man” into it? Also, I’ve lived in apartments for 20+ years. You hear a lot of noises. Rarely this.

• “Man Bitten By Radioactive Sloth Does The Lying-Around-All-Day Of 10 Normal Men”: This is a good Spider-Man joke about “Crimson Lump” and his titanium sofa, on which he sits watching copious amounts of TV.

Were the infographics good?

Besides Kmart, we have “Top Self-Help Books,.” Self-help has only gotten more popular over the past 20 years.

These jokes are unsympathetic to the idea of self-help, but I think that’s fine. Nowadays, self-help is satirized from many angles (I’m sure The Reductress does this well), but in 2002, mockery was the main approach.

What columnists ran?

For all the outdated topical content in this issue, some items are only more relevant 20 years later, including “Now, There's A Stranger Who Could Use Some Of My Child-Rearing Advice.”

This column is about in-person tsk-tsking, and that still applies today, but it also could describe anyone in the comments section, on Twitter, etc.

Instead of turning away, I'd approach this woman and say, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice you having some parenting difficulties. Maybe you should consider getting a toy or something to keep your daughter occupied. Not only would it keep her from upsetting passersby with her shrieking, but a play object would be a boon to her motor-skills development."

Surprisingly, mothers don’t love this advice:

Instead of thanking me for the free advice, this woman showered me with invective and urged me to "get my own damn kids." Did my generous offer of help really warrant such hostility? (Keep in mind that I repeatedly assured her that this one error did not make her a bad parent.) Things only got worse when I helpfully pointed out that maybe if she could better manage her temper, her kids would probably grow up more well-adjusted.

This entire column was a delight to read, although perhaps if you’re a mother, you’re just reminded of real-life jackasses.

Our other column is: “Hey, Everybody, Let's Put On An Avant-Garde Show!” It helps to imagine this column being set in an old-time movie/musical. This show must be held to raise money because “Rotten old Banker Mudge wants to tear down our clubhouse and put up a big office building in its place.”

It’s all written with the vocabulary and names from, say, the 1930s. Well, maybe not the 1930s in terms of explicit content:

What's that you say, Hamhock? "Nudity"? Jumping Jehosophat, you're right! How silly I was to forget the nudity! It's just the thing every avant-garde play needs. We'll paint our naked bodies all the colors of the rainbow, and the boys' penises will be gaily striped like barbershop poles! Golly, I can hardly wait for opening night!

Alas, it turns out by the end of the column, someone else has already raised the money and stopped Banker Mudge!

This is weird as hell, and I love it. Very much reminds me of the columns of Onion publisher emeritus T. Herman Zweibel. Yes, it’s probably too bizarre for some readers, but that’s fine. All part and parcel of running a satirical newspaper.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope is Capricorn, if only because of the recent ruling on the universal DH:

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule.

What holds up best?

“Now, There's A Stranger Who Could Use Some Of My Child-Rearing Advice” accurately describes many millions of busybodies. It’s perfect.

What holds up worst?

“School Board Adopts Gay-Ass Uniform Policy” couldn’t have been all that funny even in 2002.

What would be done differently today?

I’ve probably said this before, but somehow the pre-Iraq War on Terror era feels like nothing was happening, at least compared with the 2020s.

It’s hard to imagine how a weekly Onion newspaper could properly cover COVID, Ukraine, the US culture war, state and national politics, pop culture and more.

Thank you

Grateful to have you here. It’s been a long month, but writing this newsletter has helped.

Next week, we’ll talk about the classic “Nation's UPS Men Break Out The Shorts” as well as not-so-timeless articles about girls gone wild, Kenny Rogers and “Countries Who Met Over Internet Go To War.” See you then.

1

This appears to a misspelling of Cardinal Angelo Sodano. "Grantin” also appears to be Cardinal Bernadin Grantin.

2

One of Pope John Paul II’s books, which is technically his responses to a journalist’s questions.