20 years ago, The Onion was sponsored by the Toyota Tacoma
Plus, non-sponsored jokes about Wal-Mart, Scott Peterson, the Supreme Court, Bollywood and the merits of a child stuck in a well.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Dec. 8, 2004.
I don’t remember this issue, but I’m excited to revisit it — particularly the 2 columns, which are among the best column headlines I’ve seen in all of 2004.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 49, the 221st new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page image comes from “Homeland Insecurity: The Onion Complete News Archives, Volume 17.”1
The front-page headline “High Times Web Page Cached”2 is no longer online. Sadly, while High Times is still around, Google sunset web caching this year.
The Onion’s sponsored content + promos
If you view the 2004 website homepage, you’ll notice a special “Auto” section with the headline “The Onion Auto Guide” and the supporting text “Brought to you by: The All-New 2005 Toyota Tacoma.”
Ah, the days when you’d sell a web ad directly!
This “guide” is repackaged content with a common theme, much like the 2004 Election Guide we covered in August 2024. Only this time, there’s a sponsor! The link to “The All-New 2005 Toyota Tacoma” doesn’t work today, but it’s meant to redirect to the Tacoma homepage.
Also in December 2004, The Onion ran a homepage ad (above) offering a $39.95 subscription special for 52 issues delivered to your door. Subscribers could also get a discount on a 2nd subscription or a free 6 months of The Onion’s premium membership.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Wal-Mart was America’s largest public company by revenue in 2004 and remains so today. And yet, I think it’s slightly less controversial than during the late 1990s and early 2000s. This is for 3 reasons:
Wal-Mart won — dominating the competition, overcoming local opposition and spreading to every corner of America. Maybe hating the interloper is easier than hating the store you’re stuck shopping at.
Wal-Mart shifted from being the corporate villain to just a villain. Amazon is the most well-known retailer today, while Big Tech is the dominant corporate influence in people’s lives.
Despite this week’s events, businesses are weirdly popular these days — albeit because trust in other institutions has collapsed.
But in 2004, Wal-Mart was so polarizing that even the business-friendly Fortune asked, “Is Wal-Mart evil?” It’s no surprise The Onion’s top story is “Wal-Mart Announces Massive Rollback On Employee Wages.”3
The other important context is the Wal-Mart “rollback” advertisements, as seen in this 1999 commercial featuring a giant smiley face wearing a cowboy hat. The Onion deploys this smiley face to great effect:4
[CEO H. Lee Scott Jr.] then turned to a large projection screen on which the company’s trademark yellow happy face whizzed through the aisles of a Wal-Mart, enthusiastically “slashing” the hourly wages of employees all over the store.
“Paying $7.75 an hour for a Class-2 cashier with fewer than two years’ experience?” a cheery narrator asked in amused disbelief. “How about $6.50? And $8.45 an hour for a dockworker to unload boxes of bath towels all day? We think $6.75 sounds more like it!”
The article is cheery, describing everything as if it’s a flash sale — including employees receiving “red ‘Wage Rollback!’ stickers on their time cards.”
Wal-Mart’s stock price rises on the news, while employees who used to work at mom-and-pop stores are despondent:
“Wow! A 24 percent reduction!” said Harold Reis, who works in the garden department in a Marshfield, WI Wal-Mart. “I can’t believe it! Why, I never saw cuts like this when I used to work at the family-owned Seubert Greenhouse!”
“But that was a few years ago,” Reis added. “Nowadays, you can drive all over town looking for someplace to pay you more, but good luck. Wal-Mart is the single biggest employer in 21 states!”5
Wal-Mart was an easy target, but The Onion does a good job writing jokes that insult, rather than insults alone.
Other items commenting of American culture in late 2004 include:
“Peterson Given Lifetime Channel Sentence”:6 A simple, effective joke. Scott Peterson was convicted in November 2004 of murdering his wife and unborn child. The Onion misspells the name of Judge Alfred Delucchi.
“Americans Marrying Later”: In 2003, the average American married at 26, which isn’t so shocking considering that in 2024, the median age is 30.2 and 28.4 for men and women, respectively. Among the responses:
“I don’t have to worry about marriage at this point in my life. Paying child support for three kids is stressful enough as it is.”
Curtis Fuller • Salesperson
“Complete Idiot Still Thinks Brittany Murphy Dating Jeff Kwatinetz”: I’ve never heard of Kwatinetz, who later co-founded the Big 3 basketball league with Ice Cube. The article says Murphy attended the “Bad Education” premiere with “an anonymous hunk of arm candy,” although she brought her mother.
“Bollywood Remake Of Fahrenheit 9/11 Criticizes Bush Administration Through Show-Stopping Musical Numbers”: I love this idea but hate the Photoshopping. I don’t remember Bollywood remakes being a big deal 20 years ago, although the pending release of “Bride and Prejudice” was getting buzz.
Area People doing Area Things
“World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice” is a neat and tidy explanation for why millions of mice are killed as part of lab experiments each year. Scientists from around the world issue a 500-word statement about “their beady little eyes,” “their repulsive tails,” and “the annoying little squeaking sounds they make.”
We hear from several scientists across disciplines. One thing unites them:
After applauding the scientists for coming forward, anthropologist Brent Wrigley suggested that the hatred of mice may be the single most important factor in the evolution of modern science.
“Despising mice may have pushed humanity out of the Stone Age,” Wrigley said. “After all, the cave habitats of early man must have been infested with the horrific little monsters. The entire history of human advancement via the scientific method may be a byproduct of the higher forebrain’s natural revulsion toward the nasty critters.”
There’s also a physicist who goes out of his way to experiment on mice. He’s also the author of the fictional book “Mouse Elasticity And Kinetic Rebound In High-Acceleration Collisions.”
Animal testing is more relevant in 2024 than I realized, with millions of mice and rats experimented on annually (and one researcher claiming it’s more like 110 million).
What if a “roughhouse” wasn’t just a person but also a physical location? That’s the premise of “Authority Figures Call For Closing Of Area Roughhouse,” a “a crude wooden shanty” that’s sort of a fight club and clubhouse for youth.
The adults hate it, obviously. Dolly Geary is the PTA chair and founder of Task Force Against Skinned Knees:
While roughhousers have never reported injuries more severe than minor skin abrasions, pulled hair, squeezed ribcages, and hyperventilation, authority figures said greater harm could occur if the antics continue unchecked.
“I’ll bet that place is littered with rusty nails,” Geary said. “It’s all fun and games now, but when someone gets lockjaw, who’ll be laughing?”
Roughhouse veterans have fond memories, even arguing for its formative effects:
Brad Martinelli, an area resident who frequented the roughhouse during his youth, said his years inside instilled him with a sense of confidence and belonging.
“Even though I was failing at school and struggling with my parents’ divorce, the roughhouse showed me that I could win a good chicken fight or worm my way out of a half-nelson,” Martinelli said. “I’m sure that even the queers who got smeared knew it was all in fun.”
The “teens vs. authority figures” showdown feels timeless, even if you might want to update the details for today’s era.
“Local Woman's Life Looks Bearable In Scrapbook” is even more tragic than you might imagine. Jane Hemmer has been married for 35 years to Bruce, and they have 2 adult children, Alex and Diane. Diane has not spoken to her parents in 4 years and has kept her child away from them.
So many dark anecdotes. Here are 2 of them:
“A photo taken in 1998 shows Hemmer with her son at a San Diego marina. Alex appears healthy and robust, and his mother beams under a large straw hat. However, the photo was taken mere hours before Hemmer’s husband denied Alex a $10,000 loan to cover gambling debts.”
“Photos in the scrapbook convey numerous other half-truths, among them that Hemmer was warmly accepted by her coworkers at a Mutual Dental holiday party, that her own mother is physically affectionate, and that Hemmer’s pride in Diane’s 1982 spelling-bee victory was not clouded by the discovery of her husband’s homosexual dalliances.”
A well-written tale, but not a cheerful read!
Other Area People items include:
“Pet Winterized”: The face on that dog is killing me.
“City To Issue Deep, Meaningful Municipal Bonds”: The Onion picks up on the 2 meanings of “bonds.” Real-life Mayor Jim Ridenour appeals for support of sewer modernization:
“I promise—and this is coming right from the heart—if you stick with us through the long term, you will find yourself in a rewarding relationship with tax-exempt dividends.”
“Friend's Wife Reportedly Very Funny”: This is a timeless headline.
“Bible Only Work Of Fiction In Family's Home”: The Onion was provoking with this headline. Other books and periodicals include “Dr. Atkins’ New Diet Revolution,” “Sincerely, Andy Rooney” and the March 1995 issue of Prevention.
Were the infographics good?
“Dollar Low Against Euro” is a fun collection of jokes, but what fascinates me 20 years later is what happened next. Yes, the euro was at an all-time high in 2004, but it would stay above the December 2004 level for most of the next decade.
Separately, I remember complaints about the exchange rate in 2003, when I spent 6 weeks in Italy. But I was a broke student, so this didn’t really affect me.
Anyways, these are fun jokes! “Inflation inevitable after U.S. Mint began allowing people to print $20 bills on their inkjet printers” makes me laugh, as does “Masonic iconography not as powerful as it used to be.”
“How Can We Live With Ourselves?” is a great question. Notably, “Three parts Jack, one part Coke” departs from Wikipedia’s recommendation of one part Jack, 3-5 parts soda.
What would be today’s version of “It was hard, but we have digital cable now”? Netflix? Your own podcast or Twitch stream?
Also, I forgot how long Ann Coulter has been famous.
What columnists ran?
“Son, We Need To Talk About This Supreme Court Obsession Of Yours” delights me 20 years later, since so much of Twitter/X in the past 10 years has been obsessed with the Supreme Court.
Our columnist confronts his son for ignoring other interests and hobbies in favor of SCOTUS watch:
Okay, name one thing you do, besides sleeping or eating, that doesn’t involve the Supreme Court. Bassoon lessons don’t count. Your mom and I make you take those. If you had your way, you’d be up in your room, cutting pictures of your favorite justices out of the Washington Post to add to your mural, which is another thing we need to discuss.
…
Your floor is covered with printouts of opinions and dissents. You spend all night on the Internet holding mock Supreme Court hearings in the chat rooms. I don’t want to say it’s not normal, but I do think it’s behavior we need to evaluate.
This column mentions real cases, including the famous death-penalty case Furman v. Georgia from 1972 and United States v. Galetti (sic) from March 2004.
I love this passage, in part because Rehnquist ultimately didn’t participate in Brown v. Payton due to failing health:
The Supreme Court is all you talk about. You lie awake at night making up fantasy scenarios about what kind of decisions William Rehnquist might make in the matter of Jill L. Brown, Acting Warden v. Charles Payton.
In the end, the father issues a 6-month ban on Supreme Court activities, although the son can continue reading appellate court cases. What a delightful read.
The columns from Dec. 8, 2004, have 2 things in common: Obsessive daydreaming and a desire for community. In the SCOTUS column, the father is worried about his son ignoring the outside world to scenario-plan the Chief Justice’s majority opinions. And in “What This Town Needs Is A Child In A Well,” columnist Janet Casey believes her town is drifting apart and needs something to unify it — and she’s really thought this through:
Yes, a child trapped 50 feet underground would do wonders for Greenwood. It could be a private well, but for logistical reasons, it’d be better if it were a public one. In a perfect world, the child would fall into the well smack-dab in the center of the town square. If that happened, I’ll bet you anything we could shrug off decades of simmering resentment, distrust, and alienation way before the little shaver was back in his bed.
There’s a disturbingly detailed passage about picking the right boy for the well (“A girl just wouldn’t do.”). For example, Timmy Evans is sympathetic because of “that flaxen hair and those skinny little arms,” while Danny Williams is “no spring chicken” at 9 years old.
Casey also imagines the media coverage, a la September 2004’s “Trapped Miner Wishes He Could See The Coverage”:
We’d keep the tragedy to ourselves for a couple days, but after the second or third day, the story could go national. Just imagine the headlines! USA Today: “Small Town Rallies Around Third-Grader Stuck In Well.” Chicago Sun-Times: “Greenwood Danny Soldiers On.” The copy writes itself. If we could drop a camera down there to snap a photo, it might even go global. It definitely would if the photo managed to capture the terror in the child’s eyes.
Thankfully, Casey wants the boy to live, “gangrene and hypothermia” should be part of the conversation.
Look, I write a newsletter about decades-old satire. I understand why people focus and fixate. These columns skewer that tendency very well.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Aries:
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Enjoy your position at the top of the food chain, because God is about to shake things up a little with the new Mountain Lion 2.0.
Something about “Mountain Lion 2.0” really amuses me!
Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2004 archive has a better view.
What holds up best?
“Pet Winterized” and “Son, We Need To Talk About This Supreme Court Obsession Of Yours” still feel relevant, even if you’d want to update the SCOTUS article for today’s justices.
What holds up worst?
“High Times Web Page Cached” is just not for me, I guess?
Also, “Complete Idiot Still Thinks Brittany Murphy Dating Jeff Kwatinetz” is OK, but Murphy’s decline and death in the years after this joke was quite sad. It’s not fun to recap jokes about her now!
It’s kind of like Anna Nicole Smith jokes — I never felt bad for her when she was alive, but I’m not trying to bring those jokes back.
What would be done differently today?
I usually note how today’s Onion would be more focused on politics and pop culture, less so on newspaper columnists and Area Man-type “local” stories. And that’s still true.
But this 2004 issue has a lot of current events, including still-relevant issues like Americans marrying later and the dollar’s relative strength. And today’s The Onion has recently featured articles that feel old school, namely “Nation Tires Of Deals, Bargains” and “Nation’s Mumblers March On Washington Demanding Something Or Other.”
Thank you
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Next week, we’ll look at The Onion’s continuing mockery of Africa and the homeless, plus jokes about family secrets, “Desperate Housewives,” and Nazi-era Gen. Erwin Rommel.
I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.
Trying to Google this brought me this 2010 thread about The Onion’s challenges managing its website, including 301 redirects.
Notably, Wal-Mart became increasingly unpopular with consumers in the decade after this article published, which roughly tracks Amazon’s rise as a darling of customer service.
The smiley logo wasn’t used from 2006-16, in large part because of lawsuits.
Wal-Mart was the largest employer in 20 states as of 2019.
In 2008, Slate praised The Onion’s many Lifetime Channel jokes, including “Emotional Manipulation Hour” and “The Abused Wife Who Didn’t Mean To Kill Her Policeman Husband in Self-Defense” — both from 1999 TV listings that are no longer online (click the links to see archived versions).
The Wal-Mart one is great, wonder if hard to satirize when the family that owns it has a 12 figure net worth but isn’t ashamed to hold in store food drives for their own employees.