20 years ago in The Onion, Tom Hanks was our guest president
Overtime could have prevented 9/11, IKEA sweeps the nation, and Jackie Harvey reviews "The Apprentice."
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit April 28, 2004.
I’m late publishing today for 2 reasons: 1. Life and work took over. 2. THE ONION WAS SOLD! Yes, our long national nightmare is over. I shared my thoughts about the sale earlier today. But whatever happens next, it’s hard to imagine new ownership being worse.
If you’re new here, welcome! We’re doggedly covering this beautiful publication, week by week, until the 20th anniversary of the last print issue (late 2033). I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 17, the 190th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The delightful, old-fashioned front-page headline “Jewish Senior Schlepped To Emergency Room” is no longer online. The Onion has used “schlepped” twice—once in 2005 and again in 2021.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I’ve long had an idea for Tom Hanks: He spends a full year doing cameos in dozens of movies across genres. And he’s always the same exact character, dressed the same. Maybe he has no lines. Or maybe, if it’s a restaurant scene, he idles over and says, comically, “Ya gonna finish that?”
Like, why couldn’t Hanks have been in “Barbie,” “Oppenheimer,” “Super Mario Bros.,” “Anyone But You,” “John Wick: Chapter 4,” “Wonka,” “Killers of the Flower Moon” and “The Zone of Interest” during 2023? Only a failure of imagination stops us, America!
Anyways … I say all this because this week’s lead story is “Tom Hanks This Week's Guest President,” which I’m guessing is inspired by Johnny Carson’s long-running guest hosts (including Jay Leno).
In The Onion’s telling, this was a Jimmy Carter invention, although it eventually went wrong:
In the ‘70s, Jimmy Carter hand-picked comedian and TV star Bob Newhart as his permanent guest president, but abruptly fired him after learning that Newhart was moonlighting as guest prime minister for Canada’s Pierre Trudeau.
Hanks is a consummate professional on the set, so why wouldn’t he be in the Oval Office? (Especially impressive because he’s a Democrat, not a Republican!)
“Some guest presidents breeze into a cabinet meeting or state dinner thinking they can get by on star power—and generally, they can,” [White House press secretary Scott] McClellan said. “But Tom’s unique, low-key, everyman persona sets him apart from the others. It endears him to everyone he meets, from the high-level diplomat to the Minority Whip.”1
In the photo, Hanks is shaking hands with real-life Qatari Emir Sheikh Hamad al-Thani,2 but that’s only one of his many guest-president tasks. Other Hanks assignments include:
Meeting with Israeli and Saudi officials
Greeting the Marine Corps band
Attending a campaign fundraiser on President George W. Bush’s behalf
Signing some bills into law
In case you think this job is purely ceremonial, apparently Bill O’Reilly ordered the invasion of Iraq.
This article was fun to read in 2004, but in 2024, numerous topical references are strangely relevant. Pierre Trudeau’s son Justin is the current Canadian prime minister. One of the bills Hanks signs will outlaw the “morning after pill.” And there’s this reference to Israel and Gaza:
“I’m more cut out for introducing an education-policy initiative at an inner-city kindergarten, or pardoning a turkey at Thanksgiving, than I am for brokering a viable solution for Mideast peace,” Hanks told Shalom at a Rose Garden press conference as reporters laughed. “But seriously, Shalom, there’s nothing the world wants more than to see an end to all this horrible and senseless bloodshed. Now, earlier you were telling me a great story about Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. What’s this Gaza withdrawal plan all about?”
This is perfect Onion satire. Rich in detail, earnest enough to almost be believable, and hitting all the right character notes while making fun of everyone involved.
The Onion takes on even more politics
The Onion had numerous stories in 2003 and 2004 obsessing over the White House as a nickel-and-diming institution, constantly watching the budget and/or cutting people’s hours. The latest entry in this genre is National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice with “Sept. 11 Could Not Have Been Prevented Without Accruing A Lot Of Overtime.”
In April 2004, Rice testified before the 9/11 Commission. The Onion imagines a different version of her official remarks:
According to federal law, government employees must be paid time-and-a-half for any work hours beyond 40 and double-time on weekends. Ladies and gentlemen, preventing Sept. 11 would have required hundreds of thousands of unbudgeted overtime hours and, in several cases, overtime plus compensatory paid vacation. Again, may I address the family members of Sept. 11 victims: That tragic day changed us all, but you paid the highest price.
The summertime occurrence of 9/11 also would have added costs for air-conditioning.
I’m not sure this is the 1st time The Onion’s blaming the Bush administration for failing to prevent 9/11,3 but it’s certainly the most vicious to this point (and possibly ever). The Onion’s attack is all the more cold-blooded for its officious language and dry tone.
Over and over, Rice names actions the federal government failed to take because it lacked certainty (and a willingness to pay):
The worst part is, 999 times out of 1,000, the operatives come up with nothing. It's very hard to pay people time-and-a-half when they can't tell you the exact location, date, and method of an imminent terrorist attack. But, considering the high priority President Bush placed on counterterrorism from the day he took office, I assure you that we would not have hesitated to schedule the overtime hours, had we known that a massive terrorist attack was definitely going to happen.
Other politics coverage in this issue includes:
“Guantanamo Detainees' Complaints”: This infographic discusses a case before the Supreme Court, which in June 2004 ruled against the government and said Gitmo detainees could petition for writs of habeas corpus.
These jokes are … fine? I wonder whether they annoy everyone — too light-hearted for people who thought Gitmo was a travesty and too light-hearted if you think most of the detainees were terrorists trying to circumvent justice.
That said, I will always chuckle at a joke like “Only allowed to see TV lawyer.”
“Suicide Bombing A Cry For Help, Vengeance Against The Infidel”: The Onion criticizes the Bush administration, Israel, and suicide bombers of all walks in this issue without breaking a sweat. The post-9/11 story “God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule” hangs over every joke in this issue.
“Bush To Iraqi Militants: 'Please Stop Bringing It On’”: Speaking of Bush, he calls for an end to “gunfire, bombings, grenade attacks, and suicide missions of all types.” The U.S. military had 126 personnel killed in action in April 2004, which tied for the highest monthly total of the entire conflict.
“National Cyber Security”: I can’t believe cyberattacks have been a national security issue for 20 years. The Onion’s early-2000s Luddite tendencies return briefly with condescending jokes about cyber cafes, free music downloads and this:
"If someone can take down the Internet, our nation stands in grave danger of being massively inconvenienced."
Lois Foster • Training Specialist
Bird flu, COVID, IKEA?
I’m pro-IKEA, OK? It was a great option when I had no money, and almost everything I bought lasted a long time. And hey, at least the chain has a personality.
That said … The Onion did a good job with “IKEA Claims Another 10,000 Lifestyles.”4 Although it’s a bit strange in 2024 to see The Onion telling this story through the lens of an epidemic:
Greeves continued: "Those whose homes are infested with the IKEA fittings are mostly young and newly financially independent. They're not careful with their new freedoms. In a spontaneous moment, a chrome Stalaktit seems like a sensible lighting solution. They don't stop to think, 'Hey, this could be something I'll have to live with for the rest of my 20s.'"
I mean, this is all true.
Like so many Onion stories, the premise seems real but receives a slight twist. Instead of the CDC, it’s the CIDC — the Center for Interior Design Control. That council is working with Wickes (RIP) and Ethan Allen to stem the tide, but it isn’t easy:
"If an individual lives within 100 miles of an IKEA store, the chances of finding IKEA inside his home increases 20-fold," Greeves said.
I recognized some of the IKEA furniture types, including the Poang, Stenkulla, Leksvik, Branas, Klippan and more.
Area People doing Area Things
“Web Of Lies Surrounds Late Birthday Card” feels slightly old-fashioned. After all, it’s about pretending you mailed a letter through the U.S. Postal Service. But after all, people still mail birthday cards, and there’s a reason the “belated” category is so popular!
As with many comedic lies, the initial mishap isn’t the real problem — it’s all the lies you need to invent to cover up the mishap:
"How did you like the card?" Tobler said in a carefully plotted phone call to Jurgensen Tuesday. "What?! I put it in the mail last week! I can't believe you didn't get it yet!"
The card, which currently sits inside a bowl of keys on Tobler's kitchen counter, is ready to be mailed, awaiting only the purchase of a stamp.
Gina Tobler doesn’t have to say anything more! Yet she intricately describes the fake circumstances that delayed the card’s mailing and — for some reason — that she used a stamp with a cat on it.
I mean, this is wholly unnecessary (but probably happened to an Onion staffer or someone they know):
To back up her story that she mailed the card last week, Tobler considered rolling back the date on the postage meter at work, but was unsure if she'd be able to figure out how to do so. Instead, she created the following blueprint: She will place the birthday card into the mail with insufficient postage. When the birthday card is returned, she will smudge the original postage date—should there be one—or obscure it with an additional stamp.
I wish I could clearly read this card, but my eyes aren’t great. Maybe you’ll have better luck. Also, the handwriting is impeccable. Does anyone write like that anymore?
Thankfully, this friend is also a big liar:
"Gina and I are both a little scatterbrained," Jurgensen said by phone from her Ronan residence. "I was surprised that she remembered my birthday at all. I totally forgot to call her last year until two days afterward. Luckily, I covered by telling her I was in the hospital for inhaling toxic fumes at work."
“Woman Overcomes Years Of Child Abuse To Achieve Porn Stardom” plays on a common trope that porn stars are broken people who, as a result, turn to the industry. Apparently, at least one study rejects this thesis.
This article is graphic and profane, and not always in a fun way. Please be warned.
This is perhaps the most heart-warming — and least NSFW — passage I can share:
"You've gotta hand it to a chick like Trina," adult-film producer Jimmy Carlyle, 51, said. "Here's a gal who's been through it all—court-ordered separation from her real mom for neglect, foster homes, and a whole series of fucked-up, sicko stepdads doing God-knows-what to her. But she's taken everything life has thrown at her with a can-do attitude that's rare in this business. In spite of the obstacles, she's made her dreams of porn stardom come true."
The porn star in question, Trina Foxxx, is a fictional person, as far as I know. But if you Google the name … well, don’t do that.
Other Area People in this issue include:
“Grocery-Store Freezer's White Castle Section A Wreck”: This is a simple joke that works.
“Unpopped Kernels Costing U.S. Billions”: This reminds me of the scolding my generation got growing up about “kids starving in Africa” because we didn’t finish our meals. Fun fact: The Onion mentions then-FDA Deputy Commissioner Lester M. Crawford, who briefly was FDA chief in 2005 before resigning and pleading guilty to financial improprieties.
“Spawn Of Satan A Failure In Father's Eyes”: This one has some Dr. Evil/Scott Evil energy.
“Putting Up With Dave's Shit Not In Job Description”: There’s not much here, but this complaint about the boss is pretty good: "Nothing in the employee handbook says I have to stay until midnight cleaning the cappuccino machines, just because he has to go argue with his fucking girlfriend."
“Strangulation The New Blow To The Head, Says Hired Killer Magazine”: Every other niche has a magazine, so why can’t contract killing?
Were the infographics good?
“To Whom Would We Rather Be Married?” has some funny answers, including a curiously posing Jesus in the illustration. “A different beekeeper” is my favorite, especially since 22%(!) agree!
What columnists ran?
“You're Fired!” takes us back to the earliest days of reality TV, when The Onion marveled at this strange fad of “Survivor,” “Big Brother,” and whatever craziness Fox aired. By 2004, society was fully decaying, and “Survivor” guru Mark Burnett was launching “The Apprentice” with Donald Trump.
Predictably, Onion entertainment columnist Jackie Harvey is enthralled:
And now we know the apprentice is Bob, who proved that he had the goods by coordinating a golf tournament. Congratulations, Bob!
And can you believe that Barbarosa? Is she evil or what? She should quit the corporate world and become a movie villain or something. (And I'm not saying that because she's black. No angry letters, please!)
Being Jackie Harvey, almost everything he says is wrong. Bob is Bill Rancic, who did manage a golf tournament. Barbarosa is Omarosa, who briefly became a political villain, I guess?
Other things Harvey gets wrong:
Calls Mel Gibson’s epic “The Passionate Christ,” which feels like a Mary Magdalene vehicle.
There’s no Our Lady of Kentucky, although Jennifer Lopez’s mom really won millions at a slot machine?!
Confuses David Letterman for David Brinkley, who died in 2003.
Calls these exes Tom and Penelope Cruise and John and Rebecca Romaine Stamos. I’ll admit: I like these names and spellings more.
Harvey also floats a theory for the “Friends” finale:
Well, I don't want to spoil anything, but I heard through the Harvey grapevine that the final episode is a double wedding. You won't believe who gets hitched! This will be their most topical episode to date, drawing from today's headlines, in that Ross will be going through his third divorce—but his first marriage to a man! If anyone asks, you didn't hear it from me, folks.
I apologize for basically reciting this column at you. I just love Jackie Harvey. My final note: Because he’s also a Larry King parody, he has these little gems:
I can never remember the difference between jam and jelly. All I know is, there's no substitute for either on my toast!
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Cancer, which manages to be a small-c cancer joke and sort of predicts Steve Jobs’ death:
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You may say there's nothing wrong with you that a week in the Bahamas won't cure, but the stars recommend you get the chemotherapy.
What holds up best?
“Tom Hanks This Week's Guest President” was delightful 20 years ago and somehow feels more prescient today.
What holds up worst?
I know it’s Satan, but the throwaway line about rape in “Spawn Of Satan A Failure In Father's Eyes” seems unnecessary.
What would be done differently today?
All bets are off with the new ownership!
In seriousness, we’d probably have a bunch of slideshows about “The Apprentice” instead of Jackie Harvey getting the details of the show wrong. Look, the former is much easier to write, and The Onion’s staff is almost certainly smaller now than in 2004. They are doing their best in a very different environment!
Thank you
Next week, I’m excited to talk about “Lone Wolf Ashcroft Given Rookie Partner,” a very stupid concept at the heart of my Onion admiration. See you then!
I love that the Minority Whip (in 2004, Sen. Dick Durbin and Rep. Steny Hoyer) is considered the lowest form of power.
He seized power from his father but was smart enough to pick a son as his successor in 2013.
Not criticizing the Clinton administration seems unfair, considering they spent years, not months, tracking Osama Bin Laden and al-Qaida. I think The Onion (mostly) covers for that by Rice blaming the cutbacks on Bush’s “jobs-and-growth tax-cut measures.”
I’m sure the internet commented on this article in 2004, but little evidence remains. I’m delighted that this blog from 2004 that shared the headline is still alive and kicking.