20 years ago, The Onion talked about fake priests and Sesame Street
Plus: flip phones, Absolut ads, breast cancer awareness, LL Cool J and much more
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Feb. 27, 2002.
This issue was has lots of early-2000s topics like flip phones, cigarette taxes and genetically modified foods, plus an early preview of the Iraq War.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 07, the 93rd Onion issue of the 2000s and the 92nd issue of new content. Here is the website as it looked in 2002, 2012 and today.
Standard disclaimer: The old photos/images are mostly gone. I reproduce as many as I can each week.
The column “Ask Someone Who Insists On Dominating The Conversation” is no longer online. I’ve linked to the Internet Archive version from 2002.
The front page had 2 music-related headlines. “Rollerball” was a remake directed by John McTiernan, who made “Die Hard” and “The Hunt for Red October.” The starts were … LL Cool J, Rebecca Romijn and Chris Klein. Unsurprisingly, this movie flopped.
“LL Cool J Struggles To Come Up With Way To Brag About Being In Rollerball”
“Yes, Area Man Has Been Told He Resembles A Fat Gregg Allman”
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I’m starting with “Who Knew It Would Be So Easy To Impersonate A Priest?” — a well-written, funny column that reflects a long-gone era.
First, the writing. Our columnist tells a classic tale of impersonation and grift. He’s learned that imitating a priest doesn’t require religion or deep Bible study. All you need is a priest costume, some fake Latin and Bible phrases, good listening skills and a story about the Devil tempting you with the ladies. If anything goes wrong, move on to the next town.
Now, our columnist doesn’t hate priests. Quite the opposite!
I've admired priests all my life. Whenever a priest walked into a room, everyone seemed to look at him with respect and admiration. I always thought it'd be great to be a priest, but the thought of going through years of vocational training and having to stop screwing women was too much for me.
Being a priest isn’t easy! You can’t swear or smell like pot, and you can’t forget to say “bless you” when someone sneezes. But our columnist has been successful, not only sleeping with women but also marrying couples and giving last rites. Are those marriages legally binding? Well, maybe not.1
Some of The Onion’s best columnists are when the author is proud of their accomplishments, and doubly so when those accomplishments are bad thing. This is a great example.
Of course, the concept is a bit dated, as the Catholic Church’s reputation is not what it was 20 years ago, much less 40 or 60 years ago. The US is less religious overall, and any scammer would have to worry about the internet.
Could this story exist in 2022? Yes, because people love scams (see “Inventing Anna”). But the details would be different.
Breast cancer is a serious disease that needs more research and treatments. But does it need awareness? Who isn’t aware? The Onion raised these questions 20 years ago today with “March Named Breast Cancer Obliviousness Month.”
I guess the breast cancer awareness industry was huge in 2002 if The Onion was mocking it. Keep in mind, this was written years before the NFL joined the cause and before Susan G. Komen peaked with its Race to the Cure (and subsequent controversy).
This type of mockery is difficult to do well — we might mistrust corporations promoting cancer awareness, but are we ready to make fun of awareness itself? The Onion tries to sidestep this problem by inventing a national organization that’s conducting an “anti-awareness” campaign.
I think the best parts of this article are the silly details, like this list of the anti-awareness events:
Planned events include marches dedicated to various breast-cancer-unrelated items, including anteaters and motel-lobby vending machines; free cajun-cooking demonstrations; and the distribution of red ribbons to put people's minds on AIDS instead.
The photos are also … unusual, but that’s probably the point.
This anti-awareness campaign also includes TV advertising, with a special “Friends” episode not saying anything about breast cancer. Meanwhile, you can probably imagine this promo in your head:
Throughout March, CBS will air public-service announcements featuring Ray Romano delivering the slogan, "Breast Cancer: Fuhgeddaboutit!"
What’s the government up to?
Another story this week that twists real-life things into absurdity is “Treasury Department Badly Needs Ones And Fives,” which reimagines the nation’s currency backer as some kind of retailer running out of small bills.
Deputy Treasury Secretary Kenneth Dam is desperately trying to hold things together while the boss is out of town. Note that The Onion’s description of the handwritten sign doesn’t match the photo above:
In addition to a sign on the Alexander Hamilton statue in front of the Treasury Building, Dam posted a handwritten sign on the front door reading, "We need ones and fives!!! Any that you have would be hugley [sic] appreciated!!!" Thus far, no one has come forward.
This story is a great example of The Onion finding humor in real-life situations by changing the setting. Also, every Treasury official named in this story is a real person, as is then-IRS Commissioner Charles Rossotti.
The Onion had several government-related stories this week. The others are:
“Lee Greenwood Urges U.S. To Take Military Action Against Iraq”: The premise is that Lee Greenwood’s sales of "God Bless The U.S.A." are down. Less than 13 months later, we would invade! And in 2020, somehow, this song hit No. 1 on a digital Billboard chart.
“$5 Million Bounty Placed On Recession”: A silly George W. Bush story that feels like something Will Ferrell’s “SNL” Bush would say. Bush also put a bounty out for any information on increasing durable-goods orders (i.e. most manufactured products).
The Onion asked people what they thought about 22 states looking to raise cigarette taxes.2 Here’s a pre-Obamacare joke from the responses:
"The government has a right to tax unhealthy products because, after all, they pay for health care. What? They don't?"
Richard McCall • Contractor
Area People doing Area Things
“Man Back With Woman His Best Friend Spent Week Criticizing” is the plot of hundreds of sitcom episodes. That doesn’t mean it can’t be funny!
Danny Weir remained silent through multiple breakups between Chris Sorum and Kate Mulberry. Weir finally spoke up after the most recent split — and complained about Kate for an entire week. Now, Weir is worried about the repercussions of Sorum and Mulberry patching things up.
To be fair, Weir thought this was the final straw:
"In the past, I held my tongue because I figured they'd be back together," Weir said. "This time, though, Kate slept with her Pilates instructor, and Chris found out about it. I've never seen him so angry. I thought to myself, 'Yes! I'm finally gonna get to tell him everything I think of that witch.'"
We learn every insult Weir shared, as well as the insults from other friends, including Pete Kelleher’s impersonation “of Kate yanking Chris out of a room.”
We don’t hear from Chris or Kate, unfortunately. Just like last week’s “18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate In Hometown,” I think a funny story could have been even better if The Onion talked to additional people.
“Ad-Agency Art Director 'Humbly Honored' To Be Working With Absolut” seems in 2022 like a simple article mocking advertising agencies.
But it’s also a topical joke, as Absolut was world famous for its long-running print ads that always said “Absolut [something]” and somehow referenced the bottle. The campaign was so successful that it numbered 1,500 ads over 22 years. Absolut didn’t even bother with TV commercials until 2004.
This is The Onion mocking a legendary advertiser — and a brand most Americans would have been familiar with. The Onion even cites a March 2001 Ad Age story naming Absolut as one of the top 10 campaigns ever.3
Anyways, art director Roland Kiefer has a bunch of ideas, including “Absolut Chan,” with Jackie Chan kicking.
Kiefer’s girlfriend, Erica Schlangen, is unimpressed, which is refreshing. Your loved ones don’t need to be obsessed with your career:
"I don't get what he's so excited about," said Schlangen, 26. "I mean, take a chimp, give him a banana Photoshopped in the shape of an Absolut bottle, caption it 'Absolut Monkeyshines,' and—pow!—you have an Absolut ad. I just pulled that out of my ass. How hard can it be?"
Other Area People stories in this issue include:
“Upset Woman Forced To Re-Sigh Louder”: This might be the best written, most timeless article in this whole issue despite being one paragraph. So much detail about office manager Connie Lindel’s lack of influence.
“Parents' Password Cracked On First Try” is a very 1990s story about hacking an AOL account. Kids today just have many more things to hack into, like their parents’ phones, iPads and endless in-game purchases.
“Warranty Outlasts Company” is a timeless headline. Here, it’s talking about the UniTek MP3 player, which I don’t think was a real product. Let me know if I’m wrong!
“Genetically Modified Broccoli Shrieks Benefits At Shopper” is the weirdest article in this issue. GMOs were a huge news story in the early 2000s, often front-page news on the New York Times! And while GMOs still get debated (and organic foods’ popularity is part of the reaction), I’m not sure this story would run today. I love this ending sentence:
Monsanto, makers of the vegetable, stressed that genetic-modification technology is still in its infancy, and that more pleasantly voiced broccoli should hit store shelves by 2003.
Were the infographics good?
“The New Sesame Street” has some excellent jokes about this beloved show, and arguably this infographic is funnier today than in 2002.
Jokes about vampire culture, immature 30-year-olds and the commercialization of Sesame Street have become only more relevant, especially with Elmo’s continued overexposure and the HBO deal.
And phasing out Oscar the Grouch for “fear of giving children positive impression of living in garbage” sound like a stupid online fight just waiting to happen.
“New Cell-Phone Features” is the most ancient article in this week’s issue, as this is 5 years before the iPhone.
These jokes are fine. The Ian McKellan and “Voice-activated talking” jokes hold up best. The copy editor in me wonders why “cell-phone” is hyphenated as a modifier but “babydaddy” is one word.
What columnists ran?
We have our first Jim Anchower column of 2002, “I Almost Lost It All”!
In December, I noted that most Anchower columns begin “with a hello in Spanish and an acknowledgement that ‘it's been a long time since I rapped at ya.’” This week’s column is no different.
Anchower is angry! Last time, I mentioned how he finally kept a job. Well, that’s over. He tries to clear a plate at the cantina, the customer says he’s not done, and Anchower loses his mind:
I took one look at that fatty and told him he looked like he'd had enough long ago. Then he says to me, "You need to watch your mouth, son." So I say, "You gotta watch your mouth, tubbo, 'cause you got a lot more going in yours than I got comin' outta mine."
C’mon, Jim! Anyways, he’s now working as a coat-check clerk in a museum. As Jim writes: “It's not challenging, but if I wanted a challenge, I'd have become a nuclear surgeon.”
But there’s more! Anchower’s apartment was burglarized, although the burglars apparently didn’t want his Jenny McCarthy poster, broken PlayStation 2, boombox or any of his cassette tapes.
The rest of this article is mostly Anchower riffing about the joys of many, many 1970s/80s rock bands. Is this his best column? No. But it’s spot-on with Anchower’s personality: Unambitious, but loves his tunes.
Our other column is “Ask Someone Who Insists On Dominating The Conversation,” part of the long-running Onion advice column series. If you’re unfamiliar, you’ll see standard advice-column questions, but each answer ignores the question to talk about whatever the headline is about.
This edition is slightly different. The columnist directly interacts with the questioner, as seen below:
Dear Someone Who Insists On Dominating The Conversation,
I don't know what to do about my boss. I like to wear skirts to the office and, last week, while I was at the photocopy machine, he—
Threatened In ThibodeauxDear Threatened,
Yeah? You should work for my jerk of a boss. On Friday, he calls me in and says, "Um, Joyce, Debbie didn't finish her receipts, so I need you to take care of that." Hello?! Am I going to get Debbie's paycheck, too? Because if not, you can keep dreaming.
Advice columnist Joyce Colquitt also complains about her husband’s friend who gave a lousy wedding gift and about her broke sister who made her spend big bucks on their mom’s casket while contributing nothing.
This column is fun, but it’s also kind of a gimmick, so you can get away with just reading each question and Colquitt’s interruption.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope is Virgo, if only because I’ve never been able to make it through a Henry James novel:
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though you believe otherwise, it is not healthy to prefer the novels of Henry James to actual human contact.
What holds up best?
I think there are several options, depending on your personal taste. I really like “Upset Woman Forced To Re-Sigh Louder” for its perfect encapsulation of workplace politics and passive-aggressive conflict resolution.
What holds up worst?
I haven’t talked about the front-page headline “School Bully Not So Tough Since Being Molested.” In 2002, this was clearly a “yeah, we got him!” joke that punched up (or at least felt like it punched up). It feels weirder 20 years later to laugh at a kid getting molested, much less to wish for it.
Could you do a joke about a school bully getting his comeuppance today? Sure, but you might use different words.
(Between this and the priest column, The Onion was clearly unaware of the brewing Catholic Church abuse scandal.)
What would be done differently today?
The Onion is very cavalier in this issue with jokes about victims being victimized, such as the front-page bully joke and horoscope jokes about prisoner abuse and attempted suicide.
The mood’s changed on those topics, I think. If nothing else, you need to be more clever in 2022 in your joke-telling.
Thank you
Despite the above criticisms, I really enjoyed reviewing this issue. We have some timeless humor plus some great looks at 2002 in terms of flip phones, Monsanto’s genetically modified foods and LL Cool J’s movie career. There’s real-life news, one of the classic Onion columnists — a great mix of nostalgia and laughs.
Next week, we have my all-time favorite Onion story, “McDonald's Drops 'Hammurderer' Character From Advertising.” I’ll try not to spend the entire time talking about it.
Genetically modified veggies have come a long way! https://www.theonion.com/monsanto-investor-removes-wedding-ring-before-taking-me-1848195513