20 years ago, The Onion showed what Bush and Bin Laden had in common
Plus, some topical references to Tom Clancy, "Just Shoot Me," Jackie Chan, Michael Jordan and Bisquick Impossibly Easy Cheeseburger Pie™
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 24, 2001.
The war in Afghanistan was really starting to take shape, and The Onion appeared eager to shift from remembering 9/11 to satirizing politicians going to war.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 37, Issue 38, the 79th Onion issue of the 2000s and the 78th issue of new content. Here’s what the website looked like in 2001, 2011 and today.
These 2 front-page headlines are no longer online, and there’s not much lost by that:
“Gay Man Has Been Planning Halloween Costume Since July”
“'Party-Pak' Just Cheese”
The story “Halloween Safety Tips” was in the print edition and 2001 website, but it was a 1998 story.
Once again, The Onion’s website in 2001 linked to its 9/11 issue:
What was the top story, and other impressions?
The ground war in Afghanistan was imminent 20 years ago, and The Onion was eager to talk about something other than the devastation of 9/11.
Last week, I mentioned how wary “Saturday Night Live” was of doing presidential jokes. The Onion was not as hesitant, although a written parody is perhaps less in your face than Will Ferrell’s Bush impersonation on TV.
Anyways, “Privileged Children Of Millionaires Square Off On World Stage” is both daring and safe.
Daring because it equates the president of our grieving country as a peer of the guy who masterminded this brutal attack. In one corner, a rich heir who goofed around before getting his act together. In the other corner, the same.
Safe because while the article is satire, it’s clearly not going to fool anyone. And there was a safety in 2001 in the whole “Both sides are bad” vibe that had spurred Ross Perot’s relatively recent presidential runs.
I sound critical, but I think this duality made sense in October 2001. The Onion gets to create edgier humor without starting a political battle it’s not ready to fight (like being too pro- or anti- war, or expressing some kind of “The West deserved this” rhetoric).
The images aren’t on today’s website, for some reason, but this photo illustrates what The Onion was going for:
The article mostly explains the current geopolitical situation, with each paragraph containing some nugget about the Bush or Bin Laden family wealth, their ne'er-do-well early days or how each found religion and purpose from their 30s onward.
And, as The Onion is wont to do, they ask an expert for his take on the situation:
According to Dr. James Cleary, a professor of political theory at Georgetown University, Bush and bin Laden exemplify how power is attained differently in the West and East.
"In America, power is the domain of the rich and well-connected," Cleary said. "In the Arab world, things are different. Over there, power is the domain of the super-rich and super-well-connected."
More 9/11 and War on Terror
The infographic “Weathering The Storm” doesn’t load on today’s website, but the 2011 version is still online.
Like last week’s “Post-Sept. 11 Changes,” this is fairly generic and not as funny 20 years later, but it was probably cathartic back then. Adding “Lockheed Martin” at the end is easily the sharpest and most timeless joke.
We also have the short article “Nation's Grandmas Halt Production Of Afghan Blankets,” which correctly shows how easily confused people get. This also reminds me of “The Office” season 2 finale, where Michael Scott leads a very confusing discussion about Afghans, Afghanis and Afghanistanis.
And there’s also “Tom Clancy Treated Like He's Some Kind Of Terrorism Expert,” which barely feels like parody. Clancy, for what it’s worth, went to my alma mater, and I’ve enjoyed a few of his books.
The closing sentence of this article is especially relevant with Colin Powell’s recent death. Deutch is the only survivor of this group:
Later that evening, Clancy appeared in a Crossfire panel on biological warfare with former CIA director John Deutch and Secretary Of State Colin Powell.
Other very 2001 things
Every satirical publication has to pay attention to what’s topical and relevant, and The Onion is no exception. This issue has a handful of items acknowledging current events, people and things.
The most notable is “Just Shoot Me Writer Assumes Everyone He Meets Watches Just Shoot Me.” If you’re thinking, “What show was that?” just know that this David Spade-George Segal comedy was a top 20 show when this article ran.
Satire like this is probably harder to do nowadays because there are fewer shows like this — a show almost everyone’s heard of but has few passionate fans. Today’s TV, except for maybe a few CBS procedural dramas, is the opposite: fewer viewers, all of them obsessed.
This story revolves around “Just Shoot Me” writer Andy Kaminowitz, who works 70 hours a week at the show (which he calls “JSM”) and assumes everyone else is a massive fan. Unfortunately, bartender Frank Scalia accurately sums up what most of America really thought of this show:
"I mean, I've seen the show once or twice, and I guess it's all right," Scalia said. "But it's not like I plan my week around it."
Kaminowitz is just a name-dropper, it seems, as he was personal assistant to a fictional TV producer in the 1990s and thought that was a big deal, too:
"When Andy got that job, he'd make all these passing references to 'Ron,' as if he expected us know who Ron Wolotsky was," said Melanie Myers, 32, an L.A.-area obstetrician and longtime friend of Kaminowitz's. "It's not like I walk around casually spouting Latin terms for women's reproductive organs and assume everybody's going to understand me."
It’s articles like this that remind me how old I am. For I watched “Just Shoot Me” sometimes, too. And it was fine. But I don’t know that I remember a single plot line.
Other topical stories in The Onion 20 years ago today include:
“Michael Jordan Not Exactly Sure What Product He Just Filmed Commercial For”: The soon-to-be Washington Wizard has a pretty great quote:
"I'm pretty sure it had something to do with phones," Jordan said. "But it wasn't MCI. It was, like, fiber-optic stuff or videoconferencing. Anyway, I talked about how you can score a slam dunk with the company and mentioned the name twice."
“What's Up, Dick?” is The Onion asking people what they thought of Vice President Dick Cheney’s mysterious absence from the public eye. In foreshadowing of today, most of these answers are conspiracy theories.
“Jackie Chan Attacked While Holding World's Most Expensive Cake” is just a front-page headline with a photo of his face. I’m sure the “Rush Hour” movies don’t hold up as well today, but they were fun when I was a teen.
Area People doing Area Things
I have concerns with “Downtown McDonald's Perpetually A Hairsbreadth From Complete Anarchy.”
I love the basic premise of a McDonald’s being on the edge of anarchy. I don’t love the choice of an Oakland setting. Nor do I feel great about the descriptions and quotes that suggest a lower class of people is the problem.
For example, this paragraph is either world-class satire of Americans’ prejudices, or The Onion staff would cringe at this today:
With its graffiti-covered tables and restrooms unfit for human waste, the 12th and Franklin McDonald’s evokes the lawlessness of the most far-flung underdeveloped banana republic. Surly single mothers toting caterwauling babies are among the restaurant’s most prevalent patrons. The remaining booths are filled with an endless parade of lice-ridden vagrants, morbidly obese bachelors, and borderline illiterates with french-fry-stained pants.
Could a story about an out-of-control McDonald’s run today? For sure, and it could be written several ways, each very funny. But could this story run in today’s Onion? I suspect not.
Also dangerous but funnier is “Thin, Attractive Woman Accepted For Who She Is,” where The Onion does a better job mocking society rather than the person. From the opening paragraph, we’re off and running:
In a world too often filled with hatred and intolerance toward those who are different, 23-year-old Kristin Petrie is accepted for who she is: a natural blonde with a dazzling smile and spectacular body.
It’s unclear how good Petrie is at her job as a recruiter. She certainly was hired without the requisite experience, and this article documents many of her mistakes. But her colleagues seem to think she has special, special qualities:
"Kristin tends to be a little hard on herself when she makes mistakes, but we're always saying, 'Don't worry about it; you're doing great,'" said coworker Brett Graves, who has never verbally acknowledged Petrie's 22-inch waist or pert, C-cup breasts. "After all, we've all got our strengths and weaknesses, and it's important to live with that."
So, yeah. The Onion is not exactly not sexist to this fictional blonde woman, but it does skewer how people prefer hot people.
Other local stories this week include:
“Area Man Switches To Backup Lie” is a great headline. I only wish the article was longer, perhaps delving more into this Area Man’s stable of lies.
“Mom Uses Full Name To Refer To Bisquick Impossibly Easy Cheeseburger Pie” is both a great mom joke and also highlights one of my favorite things about The Onion in the early 2000s — the ironic use of the trademark logo in “Bisquick Impossibly Easy Cheeseburger Pie™.”
The front-page headline “Plant Dead Because Of You” correctly describes a couple of plants I had in the past year. Although, I also blame not having windows with enough direct sunlight.
Were the infographics good?
The Onion’s 2021 website continues to be disappointing, as this infographic also doesn’t load properly. Here it is above, taken from the 2001 home page.
These questions seem urgent! I think this is funny enough, although it’s not for the squeamish.
What columnists ran?
The great Jim Anchower is back after another lengthy absence “since I rapped at ya” with “It's Finally The Good Life For Jim Anchower.” I immediately had my doubts about this headline. Life is never that bad for Anchower, but he’s always having troubles at work, with his car, his weed, his friends, etc.
Like everyone in October 2021, he had to acknowledge 9/11 before talking about his new job as a busboy:
Like, first off, there's the whole situation with the terrorists. That's some pretty heavy shit. What they did, that just wasn't right. I say Bomba Osama!
The most important part of Anchower’s new job is that one of his co-workers gets him marijuana. And he won a $100 gift certificate at Woodsmith's grocery! These are small victories, mind you: The gift certificate only freed up enough money to pay his electric bill, and his Super Nintendo has stopped working.
Anchower also has a short-term approach to financial investing that … is not what most experts recommend. This is some subtle but cutting Onion commentary on Bush’s "go to Disney World” advice (which, to be fair, had its defenders):
I ain't gonna be able to take the dinero with me, so I gotta take care of myself while I can. "Treat Jim Anchower like he's numero uno" is my new motto. Plus, there are all these people telling me that it's my duty as an American to spend money right now. If I say, "I can't buy a PlayStation while the gas bill is two months late," the whole country suffers.
Anchower is also seeing movies, upgrading his car and plans to get drunk right after finishing his column. I guess that’s not a bad life, and I love how he doesn’t need millions of dollars (or even thousands) to feel good.
The other column is “Now More Than Ever, Humanity Needs My Back To The Future Fan Fiction,” and I cannot imagine any scenario in which people need more fan fiction. But let’s give our columnist a shot: What fan fiction has Larry Groznic been writing?
The “fanfic novella ‘Think, McFly,’ in which Marty briefly becomes trapped in 1975 Hill Valley.” (Hill Valley being the town from “Back to the Future”) Groznic deludedly believes this book “surely approaches the depth of Robert Zemeckis' own work.”
The 1920s “Destiny,” in which “Marty and Doc find themselves in the year 1925, only to meet Marty's grandfather, Cyrus McFly, operating a ‘speakeasy’ out of a familiar-looking beverage hall in downtown Hill Valley. The naïve young Marty romances a pretty young flapper who turns out to be his own grandmother.” Also, Biff’s father is a crime kingpin.
“Biffco” about Biff from the 2nd “Back to the Future” movie.
A yet-to-be-completed crossover between “Back to the Future” and “Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home” — the one where Kirk and crew go back to 20th century Earth.
Most “Hey, it’s 2001!” reference
The “Just Shoot Me” story, for sure. It was one of the last 1990s generic office comedies — the whiteness, the NBC attitude of “we can put any crap on TV,” the utter lack of plot points dealing with societal issues. (I don’t necessarily hate that last one, but it’s such a contrast from today’s TV.)
What was the best horoscope?
You’d think Scorpio knew about YouTube and smartphones!
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Years from now, strangers will stop you on the street and tell you how much they enjoyed the sight of you running from the bear that stole your clothes.
What holds up best?
You know, I hated reading “Now More Than Ever, Humanity Needs My Back To The Future Fan Fiction,” but it does a brilliant job of highlighting fan fic culture (before LiveJournal, Tumblr, etc.), offers plausible, if terrible, “Back to the Future” fiction, and nails that post-9/11 attitude where everyone felt they had to acknowledge the tragedy.
I don’t want to say that was wrong, but we all know how genuine emotion can turn into perfunctory ritual when it’s done too often, or when people feel obligated. This is a great example of that. No one expects fan fiction to cure 9/11, but the columnist feels he must connect his work to the tragedy.
What holds up worst?
“Downtown McDonald's Perpetually A Hairsbreadth From Complete Anarchy” has great potential, but it needs a rewrite — not just because of social/political concerns, but also to make it more descriptive and not just a list of complaints.
What would be done differently today?
I wonder how stressful this era was for The Onion writers. Not just the immediate 9/11 issue, but the weeks and months afterward.
And all that was without updating the website regularly. I can’t imagine how The Onion staff could have published a print newspaper and daily updates on the web, Twitter, etc. if all that technology existed in 2001.
Final thoughts
We’re now into wartime Onion, a place we’ll probably live in for many years. But as we saw this week, The Onion also found a way to move back into its favorite types of satire.
It’s almost like 9/11 became a “section” in The Onion’s newspaper rather than dominating it. Next week, we’ll see more of that balance.