20 years ago, The Onion returned to normal — except for the anthrax

We also have marital problems, trivia nerds, misbehaving 4th-graders and phone calls with Dad. Also, remember when CNNSI was a website?

Oct 17, 2021

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 17, 2001.

The Onion mostly gets back to normal this week, although there are items about the anthrax attacks and the War on Terror. As special as the 9/11 issue was, it’s nice to see The Onion trying to make us laugh rather than console us.

New here? Welcome, and consider signing up for a weekly dose of The Onion’s history.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 37, Issue 37, the 78th Onion issue of the 2000s and the 77th issue of new content. Here’s what the website looked like in 2001, 2011 and today.

The front-page headline “Vegetarian Opens Can Of Meatless Whup-Ass” is no longer online.

The Onion’s website in 2001 still had this reminder of its 9/11 issue:

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Bob Hope was 98 years old and retired from public life by 2001, but he surely remained a recognized and famous American because of his comedy, acting, Academy Award hosting, golfing and USO tours.

It’s that last activity that sparked the top story 20 years ago, “Bob Hope Not Told About War.” The main joke appears to be that Hope would immediately fly to Afghanistan if he knew there was a war there, but he’s also old and out of it, so his family and friends simply won’t tell him. They are fooling him by showing news broadcasts from the 1970s, so Hope is writing jokes about Gerald Ford while condemning the Iranian hostage crisis.

Is this story well-written? Sure. But what’s the real joke? That old people like Hope are oblivious? Passages like this overstate his real-life health without necessarily being that funny:

Hope last performed for American servicemen during the Gulf War in 1991, but the show was cut short when the comedian fell and broke his hip while tap-dancing to a drastically slowed-down version of "You Light Up My Life."

One last note: Hope’s brand of humor is considered old-fashioned in 2001. But look at what Hope’s publicist thinks is hip:

These kids want to see rock bands like Limp Bizkit or pretty girls like Pamela Anderson, not a man born in 1903 struggling through an off-key rendition of 'Thanks For The Memories.'"

2001 was a bad time, folks.

The other 9/11 item is this infographic, “Post-Sept. 11 Changes.” in which The Onion tries to sum up pop culture’s reaction to the terrorist attacks.

These jokes are topical and mostly forgotten today, save maybe how Will Ferrell and “Saturday Night Live” weren’t sure what to do after 9/11. But these types of jokes aren’t meant to have staying power. They probably were funny enough to readers back then.

Also, the billboard for “Collateral Damage” is because that movie was postponed from fall 2001 to a February 2002 release. It’s a forgettable Arnold Schwarzenegger movie but did open at No. 1.

Anthrax!

I had forgotten that several people died from the anthrax attacks of 2001. It’s not like I thought it was a myth or anything. I was a college freshman and probably didn’t pay enough attention to the news.

Anyways, The Onion asks people on the street for their opinions in “Anthrax Hits The U.S..”

There are jokes about signing out anthrax from the lab, “anthraxy” coffee, and this dig at journalists — perhaps The Onion felt the anthrax saga was overplayed?

"I'd react calmly to this news, but I'm a journalist."
Christine Walker • Journalist

There’s also the short article “Woman With Sore Throat Thinks It Might Be Anthrax,” in which a magazine copy editor is concerned about her sore throat and backache. She checks her symptoms on WebMD, which hearkens back to May 2000’s “Internet Opens Up Whole New World Of Illness For Local Hypochondriac.”

Anthropomorphized animal alert!

I used to have a feature about talking animals in The Onion, but they were so rare that I discontinued it. Luckily, this week’s issue features “Monkfish Wishes Monkfish Weren't All The Rage.” This monkfish is just trying to survive and is all too happy to sell out other species:

"And, yes, my flesh is firm, sweet, low in fat, and similar to lobster. But it hardly compares to the pleasures of, say, a nice sautéed tilapia with lime."

Area People doing Area Things

The Onion really tried with this issue to get back to normal, and “normal” means stories about ordinary people in ordinary situations. This is great to see 20 years later as The Onion realizing it could still cover the post-9/11 world without ditching its past.

I really like the premise of “Fourth-Graders' Button-Making-Machine Privileges Suspended Indefinitely.” You know from the headline that things went wrong. The photo also shows you what insults from 2001 were commonplace, including ones that might not be published today.

So what caused the foul-mouthed buttons? One fourth-grader blames a classmate’s “Justin Timberlake 4 President” button, sparking a run of dirty humor.

Of these offensive buttons, perhaps the most tame is a button featuring Marie Curie with a beard. There are a lot of buttons calling people “gay,” for instance, but not every button has words on it:

One button depicted the hind quarters of a rhinoceros—an image cut out of an old issue of Ranger Rick. Another contained a section of a math worksheet, while another contained a piece of lint.

Obviously, the teacher who gave this assignment is very upset:

"Those buttons were supposed to read 'Robert K. For Treasurer' and 'Danny Carter For V.P.,' not 'Mrs. Yanofsky Has Big Boobies.' Until someone comes forward with the names of all the students involved, I am forced to punish everyone."

Fourth-grader Jordy Cohn proudly displays one of his creations.

As fun as all this is, my favorite part is the reaction of the other adults — the school staff and administrators. The children’s behavior is just one of the scandals occurring. We also learn about the 14-year history of the button-making machine and how some staff are unhappy with this teacher, not the kids, for the misuse.

And there’s apparently an entire stash of school equipment that’s restricted because of bad behavior:

"We have to lock up the balls and playground equipment so they don't end up on the roof," Wagner said. "Kids have to go to the janitor to get bathroom supplies or we risk another Jeremy Sachs. He's also why we can no longer use the honor system for extra milk in the lunchroom. Then there's the photocopier. I'll never forget what happened with the photocopier."

Another great premise is “Marital Frustrations Channeled Through Thermostat,” in which the husband and wife’s debates over the temperature are a smokescreen for the many other complaints about their relationship.

For example, Carl Kulick says about Barb:

"There's no need to turn it on yet," said Carl, 64, who for 20 years has strongly suspected that his wife had an affair with neighbor Phil Tewksbury in 1981. "It's a goddamn waste of money. That woman acts like we're made of money."

Carl also dislikes Barb’s lack of intelligence, ambition and inability to produce a boy — a very Henry VIII attitude.

Barb is not without complaints, starting with Carl’s insistence on no heat until Nov. 1 regardless of the weather. But it’s much more than that:

"I am married to a big bump on a log," Barb said. "Other women go out dancing and get flowers. I don't even get a present on our anniversary unless I buy something for the both of us."

I also like the little detail of The Onion saying it’s a Honeywell T87 manual-control thermostat, which is a real product.

I live in a city with a lot of trivia nights at bars, and teams are competitive. Too much so, honestly. So I appreciated “Walking Sports Database Scorns Walking Sci-Fi Database,” which pits these two groups against each other in the form of sports nerds and sci-fi nerds.

This article mentions a lot of early 2000s athletes I used to watch but haven’t thought about for many years, such as Charlie Ward and Tiki Barber and Jason Sehorn. It also mentions Scott Moreland’s ESPN.com fantasy football team, which reminds me I need to double-check my ESPN fantasy football lineup.

Much like Carl and Barb arguing about the thermostat, these protagonists also complain about each other. This paragraph is a good example:

"Back in high school, there were a bunch of guys like that in my study hall. They'd spend the entire period talking about Alien Nation. I swear, they knew every line from every episode by heart," said Moreland, who can recite the batting average and on-base percentage of every member of the '86 Mets. "Who needs to memorize that kind of stuff? How useless is that?"

Were the infographics good?

“Whom Are We Imagining Naked?” is notable for saying “whom” and for the joke “That chick the senator had killed.” I don’t know whether The Onion is referencing Gary Condit and Chandra Levy, but Condit was a congressman (and didn’t kill Levy, either). Or maybe it’s a reference to Ted Kennedy and Mary Jo Kopechne.

Also, David Broder was 72 when this was published.

What columnists ran?

The sardonic “Your Honking Has Shown Me The Error Of My Ways” is something that might be a tweet nowadays, so I like that it gets a full column here.

Dave Nestor is eager to take the blame here despite being preoccupied with his daughter’s upcoming surgery. His main goal was figuring out why he was honked at. It wasn’t discrimination based on his bumper sticker or car model, So what could it be?

Then, I finally realized the problem: I did not move quickly enough when the light changed! I did not act with the speed and instinct of the cheetah, potentially delaying you from making your appointed rounds. How could I have been so inconsiderate?

Nestor resolves to sell his car and walk everywhere from now on as penance. What I love about this column is that Nestor might be entirely sincere, but the reader can’t help but imagine the sarcasm.

The other column this week is somewhat of a companion piece to Dave Nestor’s honking column and last week’s Jean Teasdale column, where she decided to pretend 9/11 never happened.

“I'm Refreshingly Naïve!” feels slightly off to me. The actions described — letting strangers into her home, giving out her credit card number over the phone, making strange deliveries for a neighbor — don’t seem naive so much as blindingly stupid.

The argument is better near the end, however, as our writer knows who she is and revels in it:

Your suspicious nature restricts your possibilities in life and contorts you with fear. I, on the other hand, live freely as an open port of call for every con artist and flim-flam operation that sails through. You'll never meet a bigger sap than me, but you'll never meet a more carefree one, either!

Most “Hey, it’s 2001!” reference

I really liked the mention of sports fan Scott Moreland “checking for injury updates on CNNSI.com” in “Walking Sports Database Scorns Walking Sci-Fi Database.”

I forgot CNNSI was ever a website. But don’t try to visit it now — it does not load properly and does some weird redirects. If this newsletter never reaches you, you’ll know that’s why.

What was the best horoscope?

I’m going with Scorpio, if only because I think I’ve known people for whom this was true:

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will soon meet the man you'll spend the rest of your life with. Shortly after that, you'll meet the man you'll want to spend the rest of your life with.

What holds up best?

I love the 4th-graders story, but I have to go with “Marital Frustrations Channeled Through Thermostat.” So many people struggle to express themselves or leave bad situations, instead being unhappy and passive-aggressive about it.

This article is a fun example, however, because it’s not happening to us or someone we care about.

What holds up worst?

“Manager Hates To See You Go” is not bad or offensive, but it’s a huge missed opportunity. It could have been funnier and/or more cutting, even at the one-paragraph length it is.

What would be done differently today?

I’m not sure the 4th-graders would make so many buttons that were derogatory about gay people? Probably the buttons would be some sort of COVID commentary.

Also, the headline “Vegetarian Opens Can Of Meatless Whup-Ass” might still run, but vegetarianism is no longer some strange, novel thing (if it even was in 2001).

Final thoughts

Reviewing this issue almost felt like a letdown because the stakes weren’t as high as in previous weeks. The Onion wasn’t trying to heal the nation or show off its vaguely realistic journalism. It was simply producing a fun newspaper of jokes, satire and parody.

None of that is a bad thing! The resilience of The Onion is something to be admired, especially in this era 20 years ago. And life goes on, even after the worst events.

Next week, The Onion digs into George W. Bush and Osama Bin Laden, and we hear from regular Onion columnist Jim Anchower. See you then!

The Onion: 20 Years Later