20 years ago, The Onion honored a school portrait legend
Let's revisit the 2004 presidential campaign, stand-ups getting network sitcoms, Kobe Bryant, Emeril, Terry Gilliam, budget airlines and much more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Sept. 8, 2004.
I’m delighted to share the preorder link for Christine Wenc’s “Funny Because It's True: How The Onion Created Modern American News Satire,” publishing on March 18, 2025. You can preorder on Amazon and Bookshop (and other places).1
Christine is an original staffer of The Onion (and The Stranger!). She was kind enough to interview me as part of this project, and I’m excited to learn much, much more about The Onion’s origins and success.
In this week’s newsletter, we’re revisiting the 2004 presidential campaign, school portraits, bus rides to Atlantic City, Emeril Lagasse’s catchphrase and so much more.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 36, the 208th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page image is from the 2005 book “Embedded in America,” showcasing The Onion’s print work from late 2003 to late 2004.
The front-page headlines “Pregnant Woman Keeps Child Out Of Spite” and “9/11 Milked” are no longer online. The latter headline is the only mention of the 3rd anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks.2
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Hundreds Of Republicans Injured In Rush To Discredit Kerry” reflects the late-summer push to attack the Democratic presidential nominee, Sen. John Kerry, for all sorts of shortcomings.
Interestingly, Swift Boat is not mentioned. And if you’re wondering why Kerry is the focus rather than Dan Rather’s segment on President George W. Bush, that’s because the Rather piece aired Sept. 8, 2004 — the same day this issue published.
This story features D.C. locations including George Washington University’s hospital and the National Archives. Here’s an eyewitness report from a D.C. paramedic:
“Triage is in utter chaos,” paramedic Gerald Polder said. “This guy in a suit came in with multiple contusions, a subdural hematoma, and a broken nose. I asked how badly it hurt to bend his knee, on a scale of 1 to 10, and he said, ’I’m hurt worse than Kerry was when he got his Purple Hearts.’ That’s not helpful.”
Polder said he has not seen so many right-wing injuries since the late ’90s, when hundreds of Republicans were hurt climbing on and off the Newt Gingrich bandwagon.
I love The Onion’s Photoshopping. That Bush-Cheney ambulance looks great with the elephants on the side and back!
Overall, this is standard political satire. Here are some of the 2004-specific references:
The Onion mentions “politically ‘red’ states.”3
Washington Times columnist Paul Greenberg, who popularized “Slick Willie” as a nickname for Bill Clinton, was morally injured at the Archives:
“It feels like I got rolled over by a 10-ton think tank.”4
Rep. Chris Shays (R-CT) calls for an end to “Republican-on-Republican violence.”
Rush Limbaugh dies inside his radio studio, with National Review inadvertently to blame:
“a busload of pro-Bush Vietnam veterans, in their rush to lambast Kerry on the air, ran a red light, swerved to avoid a carload of National Review reporters, and smashed through the wall of the Excellence In Broadcasting studio, killing Limbaugh and three sound technicians.”
The violence spread beyond D.C., including Savannah, Ga., and Los Angeles. There’s a reference to Savannah still treating hurricane victims, which might refer to Hurricane Frances from that month.
The other 2004 election article is “Bush Campaign More Thought Out Than Iraq War.” A fictional Reagan aide backhandedly compliments Bush for being more competent as a campaigner than as a commander-in-chief.5
Real-life people in the news
Just over a year ago, I wrote about The Onion’s coverage of Kobe Bryant’s rape charges. 2003’s “Kobe Bryant's Fantasy-Team Coach 'Saddened' By Allegations” was a prescient indictment of Americans who will forgive almost anything from a fantasy sports star.6
“Kobe Bryant Case Dismissed” is The Onion asking people on the street about the dropped charges (Kobe eventually settled a civil suit).
Sadly, the current website is missing the headshots (you can see them here). This is a very strong, cutting “What Do You Think?” feature. If I have to pick 2 favorites, they are:
“He’s still guilty of losing to the no-name Detroit Pistons in the NBA Finals.”
Eric Mills • Chef
“Every time a black man gets famous, they try to drag him down. But every time a woman asserts herself, they call her a slut. So I’m torn.”
Michael Bartko • Systems Analyst
I’m not sure I’ve ever watched Emeril’s many cooking shows, but I still know his “Bam!” catchphrase. “Emeril Bams Groupie” is a very stupid joke, but I’m impressed by how recognizable it is 20 years later.
Finally, “Terry Gilliam Barbecue Plagued By Production Delays” is about the “Monty Python” member who is well-known for production challenges. The New York Times asked Gilliam about this Onion article in 2015.
Coincidentally, the Onion article mentions Johnny Depp, who is slated for a 2025 film directed by Gilliam.
Area People doing Area Things
“Seminal School-Portrait Photographer Dies At 92”7 is a beautifully written obituary describing an artistic pioneer like Ansel Adams or Norman Rockwell.
Fortunately, all you need to imagine is that, before Henry Anszczak, every school portrait was simply a shot of the entire class in black and white. No one dared — or even thought — to do something differently. At least, not until Anszczak arrived with his Graflex Speed Graphic camera:
“Anszczak was the first to present his subjects as individuals, rather than as one tiny, grainy part of the class as a whole,” said Geraldine Menzies, director of the National Academy of Classroom Arts in Philadelphia, where many of Anszczak’s works are exhibited. “He lifted the school-portrait camera from its rigid confines and moved it several feet closer.”
“Moved it several feet closer” is a brilliant observation.
That’s just one of the many tributes!
“The lion of 20th-century public-educational culture”
“single-handedly standardized the wallet-size”
“Rest in peace, Mr. Anszczak. Or, in your words, ’Say cheeseburger.’”
Like any great artist from the post-war era, he endured criticism in the 1960s and ‘70s as the culture shifted. From a 10th-grader’s essay:
“Before Anszczak, the individual was represented as part of a whole,” wrote Kleiff, ’78. “What’s missing from Anszczak’s work is a sense of community, of people mutually sharing a social and educational experience. Is it any coincidence that he and suburbia mushroomed together? Like the white picket fence around a single-story frame home, the white borders in Anszczak’s composite photos serve to separate, to isolate, to detach. At their worst, they promote narcissism and insularity.”
I didn’t remember this story before preparing for this newsletter, but let me say clearly: This is one of the best-written, uniquely Onion “Area Man” stories I’ve seen in nearly 5 years of this newsletter.
Also, I wish I knew whose portraits those are in the main photo!
“Six-Hour Bus Ride Endured For Slots” feels like the Atlantic City cousin to August 2004’s “Deadbeat Dads March On Las Vegas.” It features 53-year-old Baltimore man Gary Drake traveling to the fictitious Oasis Casino.
Drake somehow believes he can defeat slot machines that “generally have a payback rate of about 90 percent.” He’s also on a malfunctioning bus:
Approximately three hours outside of Atlantic City, the air conditioning system on the bus stopped working. Although Drake was irritated by the climate change, as were the many toddlers on the bus, he remained focused on his journey’s end.
The Onion simultaneously mocks long-distance bus trips and gamblers like Drake, who compares playing the slots to … the thrill of riding a motorcycle. This is just tragic:
“One time, I won $800 at a slot machine with my last dollar,” Drake said. “That must’ve been about 1988, ’cause I remember that my second wife Denise was with me.”
Added Drake: “I can’t stand sitting around the house all the time. I love the nightlife.”
I’ve gambled at a casino once — in upstate New York after a night shift at my newspaper. It was fine; I somehow won $60 at blackjack.
“Comedian Given Sitcom Out Of Pity” is a great look back at the era of standup comics getting network sitcoms.8 Warren Morris is fictional, but this article otherwise feels like a story in Variety or The Hollywood Reporter:
“Now What?” does sound like a 1990s/2000s sitcom about a 40-something white guy with a “sort of harmless-slob image.”
Kathy Griffin is in the cast.
Morris had a 30-minute special on Comedy Central in 1997 and performed at the 2003 Just for Laughs festival.9
His punchlines are easy to remember yet forgettable:
“If he’s known for anything, it’s his material about compulsive eating and girlfriends who are smarter than him. Even if audiences don’t remember Warren’s name later, they usually laugh when he says, ’Must… stop’ and ’Um, I don’t think so, honey.’”
I love the promotional image and this black-and-white headshot above. I’ve never been involved in Hollywood, but everything about this article feels realistic to a regular TV viewer like me.
It’s too bad for Morris that ABC has already given up on the show, planning to produce 13 episodes but air 6, at most:
“Warren will have to go back to stand-up, but he’ll get to play slightly better venues,” Scudder said. “Maybe he’ll even go on Best Week Ever a few times, or get one-time appearances on other sitcoms. At least he’ll be known as ’that comedian who used to have his own show.’ That’s a lot better than not being known at all.”
Other Area People items include:
“Wedding Invitation Includes Depressing Map To Church”: I like this joke, even if it seems like a problem solved by Google Maps.
“Local Child Amuses Café — But For How Long?”: This headline is missing the em dash (probably an error in creating the new website). Regardless, I love this joke — and not just because I was at a 1-year-old’s birthday party this weekend.
“Vacationing Man Misses Own Remote Control”: Shockingly, this joke feels relevant 20 years later. We live in a wireless world, yet I feel TVs require more remotes than ever.
“Assistant Manager Accused Of Sexual Indiscrimination”: The joke is that a male manager will sleep with any female employee who asks, which apparently angers the women in the office. I’m sure Peachtree Financial was thrilled to be named.
Were the infographics good?
“Budget Airline Perks” still feels relevant today. Budget airlines are increasingly victims of their own success, as the non-budget airlines get stingier and shrink seats.
It’s interesting to see Southwest Airlines labeled as a budget airline. RIP Midwest Airlines, Ted, AirTran Airways, Song and ATA. “West Jet” appears to be the Canadian airline WestJet, which still exists.
“You know those shitty headphones? Keep ’em” is too true.
“Most Popular Extracurricular Programs” is fine, although “Latchkey Club” feels antiquated even in 2004. “4-HIV+” is the most somber, while “Text-Message E-Bate Society” is directionally correct but embarrassing to read aloud today!
What columnists ran?
My favorite part of “I'm Getting Pretty Good At Masturbating” might be the photo. He’s so happy!
I’m not going to share too much of this NSFW column, but know that his awakening involved Sherilyn Fenn and the original “Twin Peaks,” while lately he’s been on a deep dive of Internet research.
The poor cat:
For a long time, I got it all wrong. I’d slide down banisters, rub against the cat—anything to get that feeling down there. Once, I was grinding against my opened closet door, and I tore it off the hinges. That took a lot of explaining! Gave me a heck of a scare, too. Not long after that, I learned the secret: Take off your pants.
Our other columnist is Onion legend Jean Teasdale with “Absolute Cute.” She has a big announcement:
I, Jean Teasdale, am seriously thinking about going into the pom-pom-balls-with-googly-eyes business.
…
Do you know what I’m talking about, Jeanketeers? Those little fuzzy pom-pom balls with plastic googly eyes on them? And then they have little paper feet with stickum on the bottom? So you can mount them to something?
I’ve grown to love Jean Teasdale over the years, but that doesn’t mean we think the same. For example, I would never be “mentally mapping out a place in my apartment to hang a Styrofoam ostrich marionette,” as Teasdale does. To be fair, I wouldn’t be at an outdoor charity craft bazaar, either.
Anyways, she buys a bunch of pom-poms, discovers they’re poor quality,10 and decides to go into business for herself. Her life’s purpose, you see, is achieving the 4 components of cuteness:
I saw a show on the learning channel about how the lowest temperature possible is called “absolute zero.” Well, why can’t there be an “absolute cute”? That is, a form of cuteness that has reached ultimate perfection? I believe that, in their perfected form, pom-pom critters could achieve absolute cuteness.
I’m excited to see Teasdale’s business succeed!
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Sagittarius. The current website doesn’t label the astrological signs, but the 2004 archived version does.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Romance and a felicitous atmosphere for new projects are foretold by the moon passing through your sign this week, as well as—wait a second! That's no moon!
What holds up best?
My favorite story is the one about the school portrait king, but I don’t know whether school portraits are still as relevant in 2024. So I’ll go with the timeless “Local Child Amuses Café — But For How Long?”
What holds up worst?
“Most Popular Extracurricular Programs” is solid as a topic, but I suspect almost all these jokes need an update.
What would be done differently today?
There’s almost no pop culture in this issue, whereas “Horrified Taylor Swift Realizes Football Happens Every Year” is the top story on The Onion’s website as I write this newsletter.
Another recent Onion article is “Paralyzed High School Quarterback Praised As Hero For Not Suing,” which is a “Friday Night Lights” reference. I only started watching the show this summer, so I’m way too excited about getting the joke.
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others! This newsletter grows in large part because of your kind words and advocacy, and I don’t take that for granted.
Next week, we’ll look at Vice President Dick Cheney’s crossover with the “Friday the 13th” universe, the hotness of women in sports, dogs in designer bags, calling shotgun and much more.
I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including these.
Here’s my look back at The Onion’s famous 9/11 issue.
This Wikipedia page offers a detailed look at the long history of the media (and the parties themselves) struggling to figure out colors. Our current blue-red dynamic is absolutely a 21st-century phenomenon.
A remembrance of Greenberg in 2021 suggests he was thrilled by The Onion quoting him.
MSNBC host Chris Hayes blogged about this article for In These Times in 2004.
I’m in fantasy leagues for football and basketball, so I realize I’m part of the problem!
This article fooled someone on a forum in 2004.
The peak was probably the early 1990s, when “Roseanne,” “Home Improvement” and “Seinfeld “ dominated the ratings and NBC was airing standup specials.
In real life, Louis C.K., Jimmy Carr and Maria Bamford were among those on stage.
The poor quality is because the pom-poms are made by “the residents of the Grapevine Group Home for Developmentally Disabled Adults,” which feels like an unnecessary dig by The Onion.
I'm not sure the link to the red/blue state wikipedia article works.
My only complaint with the terms is that most non-Americans use the opposite color scheme. It must be very frustrating for them to read about deep red states criticizing Socialism.