20 years ago, The Onion created a reality show to name Iraq's next ruler
20 years ago, The Onion created a reality show to name Iraq's next ruler
We also have dentists complaining, Christopher Hitchens living the trailer-park life and Jim Anchower's adventures with weed.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit April 23, 2003.
20 years ago, the war in Iraq was (temporarily) over. We’ll see how The Onion covered this moment of seeming triumph.
Also, I probably won’t use Substack Notes much, but I’ll occasionally drop trivia or extra Onion-related info there. For instance:
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 15, the 143rd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today.
The front-page headline “Letters From Grandma Always Describe Grandpa As 'Tired’” is no longer online. Letters! How nice.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I love the premise of “New Fox Reality Show To Determine Ruler Of Iraq,” and I’m only slightly surprised the U.S. didn’t do something like this. I guess The Onion in 2003 couldn’t imagine a show like “The Apprentice,” much less its host becoming president.
In 2003, reality TV wasn’t new. “American Idol,” “Survivor” and “Big Brother” were dominating the ratings, and Ozzy Osbourne was reinventing himself as a kindly old weirdo. And we’d already seen the worst of reality TV, like “Are You Hot?”
But I think there was still an unknown, exciting quality about reality TV. And The Onion takes advantage of that curiosity.
This is mostly an “American Idol” parody — a panel of B-list celebrities, live voting (but only for viewers in the continental U.S.), and democracy-related challenges.
U.S. General Jay Garner (Ret.) will host the show under the auspices of the Pentagon. The three celebrity judges, Darnell said, will be choreographer and former Chrysalis recording artist Toni Basil, internationally renowned hairstylist Vidal Sassoon, and television star Kevin Sorbo.
"They really get into it," Darnell said. "Just wait until you see the fur fly between Sassoon and Basil."
“Darnell” is Mike Darnell, the man who basically invented the Fox flavor of reality TV (and “Alien Autopsy,” “When Animals Attack” and other programming).
Great job by The Onion of picking judges who were very famous in 2003, but in oddly specific ways. Basil is the singer of “Mickey.” Sorbo in 2003 was “the guy from ‘Hercules.’” And Vidal Sassoon was, of course, the hair care legend.
You've probably never heard of Garner, but this is good detail by The Onion. He was the main administrator for Iraq in the weeks after Saddam Hussein's government fell.1
Anyways, the rest of the article unfolds much like “American Idol”: Many of the contestants are Iraqi political figures, but you also have people like Texas cashier Kymbyrley Lake:
"I just really believe I am going to win this show," Lake said. "I feel it in my heart that Jesus is going to grant me the chance to help all these people. Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of doing something to help bring about a more peaceful world."
The main political insult is at the very end, where Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz thanks Fox for having a better post-war plan than the U.S. government.
More Iraq coverage
I don’t remember the story of “Uday's Pleasure Palace,” and thank God. This infographic has a tough task — make fun of the more lurid aspects of Uday Hussein2 without glorifying him.
My favorite joke is “Enormous Stalin-shaped waterbed” for the visual alone. Also, Saddam admired Stalin.
I also like “His own Cinnabon franchise.” It reminds me of something “Arrested Development” would do (although it wasn’t on the air yet).
In “Is Syria Next?” The Onion asked people on the street about tensions between the U.S. and Syria. The Onion is cynical, assuming that such an invasion is inevitable despite a public denial in mid-April:
"After Iraq, I think we should hit Syria, then Iran, then Egypt. Or maybe Iran, then Syria, then Pakistan. Gosh, there are so many ways we could go here."
Dana Dubrow • Homemaker
The Onion also reminded us of the importance of oil in this invasion with “Tortured Ugandan Political Prisoner Wishes Uganda Had Oil.” The country endured real-life ethnic slaughters in 2002. Ironically, Uganda started drilling for oil early in 2023.
Finally, we have this delightful front-page headline: “Fans Riot In Streets As U.S. Victorious.”
Remember Christopher Hitchens?
“Christopher Hitchens Forcibly Removed From Trailer Park After Drunken Confrontation With Common-Law Wife” is such a 2003 story. Hitchens was relatively famous 20 years ago for his long history of ornate writing and shit-talking. And by writing at Slate,3 he had a sizeable Web 1.0 presence.
I read Slate in the 2000s, including Hitchens, and I’m sure I read this article as a college sophomore.
Hitchens was one of those American writers (think Hunter S. Thompson) that our society glorified for being a walking, talking collection of substance-abuse and emotional problems. This is what The Onion makes fun of -- imagine if Hitchens was a violent drunk in the sticks instead of high society.4
I won’t pretend to understand the intricacies of Hitchens’ political orientation. Interestingly, The Onion calls him a “leftist” when his support of the Iraq war marked a seeming shift rightward.
Regardless, Hitch was ahead of his time in using “late-stage capitalism” as a catch-all insult:
Responding to a domestic-disturbance call, police arrived at the couple's double-wide trailer at approximately 2:15 p.m. to find Hitchens and Bodell throwing dishes at each other. When the officers attempted to remove Hitchens from the premises, the leftist intellectual became physically and verbally abusive toward the officers, calling them "shitkickers," "bitches," and "effete liberal apologists for the atrocities of late-stage capitalism."
I also love this quote:
Having consumed what sources described as "a substantial amount of single-malt scotch," Hitchens then burst into tears, yelling, "That woman never understood me for who I am. I want to talk to [Harper's editor Lewis] Lapham. Lapham's the only one who understands me."
Hitchens is well-regarded by the Sparta, Tenn. police, who view him as a good ol’ boy who gets riled up. However, Police Chief Buck Perkins warns that Hitchens shouldn’t talk too much about his anti-Christianity views.
I thoroughly enjoyed this article because of how specific it is. Although if you have no idea who Hitchens is, you can skip this article.
Area People doing Area Things
“U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter” is in my wheelhouse. Much of my career was spent editing newsletters published for industry trade associations. This article’s about one of those groups — in this case, the American Dental Association.
The joke here is that the dental industry is tired of people demanding new products for teeth-whitening. As real-life 2002-03 President T. Howard Jones says:
"We're not holding anything back, honest," Jones said. "If there was some way to make your teeth whiter, we'd be thrilled to offer it to you and charge you an arm and a leg for it. You're just going to have to come to grips with the fact that your teeth have a slight natural tint. Unless you want us to start painting your teeth with correction fluid, you'll have to accept that cruel fact."
The Onion is being silly here, but it’s not pure nonsense. People love status symbols, and teeth are one of them:
According to ADA member Dr. Walter Foti, D.D.S., the national obsession with perfectly white teeth may only be getting started.
"What happens once, at long last, you people get your teeth pure white?" Foti asked. "Will you finally be satisfied? Of course not. Then you'll want clear teeth. You won't rest until your fucking teeth are see-through."
The Onion’s really good at writing stories about dating. “Harsh Light Of Morning Falls On One-Night Stand's DVD Collection” has a “Seinfeld”-like quality in that the main characters make huge personal judgments based on trivial information.
In 2003, your DVD display was a great way to say, “Here’s what I like.” That’s no longer the case because of streaming. In fact, if you have a giant DVD collection on display in 2023, that probably says different things about your aesthetic.
I get this woman’s bewilderment. Like, you might rent the forgotten Morgan Freeman-Christian Slater thriller “Hard Rain” on streaming because you’re bored, but buying the DVD?
"They're the sort of things you'd rent, not buy, if you watch them at all," Pearle said. "Out of the thousands of movies you could own, why would you spend your money on this stuff? Don't you buy a movie because you're somehow passionate about it and want to watch it again and again? Does this guy feel that way about Hard Rain?”
Some of the other offending movies owned by Marc Koenig include Vince Vaughn’s “Psycho,” “The Legend Of Bagger Vance,” “Swordfish,” “Bedazzled” and “Proof of Life.”
In most dating stories, The Onion only talks to one side of the couple. That’s the case here — we don’t here from Marc about his DVDs — but there is this final Seinfeldian twist:
Pearle herself has been the victim of possessions-based judgment following a one-night stand. On June 4, 2000, pizza-delivery driver James Gaines fled Pearle's apartment shortly after 6 a.m. when the morning light revealed a Toad The Wet Sprocket CD and a prescription bottle of Xanax.
Other Area People news included:
“Nabisco Introduces X-treme Salt-Assault Saltines”: A very stupid but enjoyable headline.
“Woman Mentions Participation In Cancer Walk To Cancer Patient”: Way to make it all about yourself!
“Catholic Child Told About Doggy Heaven, Doggy Hell”: I was raised Catholic and don’t remember anything about pets going to heaven or hell, but maybe I’ve forgotten? I love this quote from the boy’s teacher, who’s also a nun:
“Only disobedient doggies who chew on the furniture or lift their legs on the carpet will burn in the eternal, white-hot kennel fires of Doggy Hell."
“Dysfunctional Singles Find Each Other”: This is timeless.
“Small-Town Residents Come Together For Arby's Raising”: I wish this were a full-length article instead of a paragraph. Such a great visual.
Were the infographics good?
“How Much Do We Love Our Mommy?” is slightly less creepy than the title implies. “Not as much as our wire mommy”5 is quite a phrase. Overall, a very good front-page infographic, if slightly unpleasant.
What columnists ran?
“That Rob's Got Some Seriously Strong Shit” is the latest column by Jim Anchower, who usually talks about his job, car, music or drugs. We get 2 of those in this column.
Anchower has a new job driving an airport shuttle. And it comes with health insurance, although he apologizes for that. “Don't think I can't still rock, though,” he says.
Anchower is also getting political, though he mistakenly believes Saddam is dead:
“I had this great idea for a T-shirt. It's a picture of Saddam Hussein, and it's got a target on him, and it says "Saddam's Insane," 'cause that guy is nuts. If I knew how to get a T-shirt made, I would have done it. But now I guess he's dead, so there goes my million-dollar idea.”
Anchower’s also been a homebody because his friend’s friend gave him some incredibly powerful (laced?) weed. At first, everything was great — he bowled a personal-best 199. But then he freaked out, and the Steve Miller Band song "Abracadabra" didn’t help.
Anchower’s hooked on this weed, and when he’s not at work, he’s getting baked.
Honestly, what I love about Jim Anchower is how low the stakes are. This is just the day in the life of a burnout, and yet I would read 1,000 more words about his adventures.
Our other columnist has more at stake: “I Want The Pictures Of My Partial-Birth Abortion Back.” Apparently, Sara DeVries’ medical photos have been accessed by pro-life protestors, and she sees them everywhere — posters, leaflets, even billboards. DeVries also mentions real-life legislation that was signed into law in late 2003.
This feels like a column about some celebrity whose private photos got into the hands of the paparazzi, only she’s not a celebrity, and the images are appearing in lobbying campaigns.
Yes, I should've been more careful with the snapshots. I showed them to a few people, who in turn showed them to a few people, but they were interested. Okay, so I may have let a couple people borrow them, but they swore it was just to show their closest friends. I didn't expect that those pictures would fall into the wrong hands and one day come back to haunt me. Now I know how Vanna White felt when she turned up in Playboy.
This article’s kind of relevant today? Like, abortion and leaked photos are still in the news — but not in the way this article depicts.
What was the best horoscope?
For whatever reason, I like Pisces in this week’s horoscopes.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The fear that your phony law degree will be exposed turns out to be groundless when Applebee's hires you anyway.
What holds up best?
These 2 stories aren’t the funniest or the best jokes, but they could have been published in 1983, 2003 or 2023 without edits:
What holds up worst?
The Hitchens story delighted me, but it probably makes no sense to most people today. Among people who do know Hitchens, it probably sparks debate about The Onion’s depiction of his political views instead of laughter at the jokes.
What would be done differently today?
As I mentioned above, the partial-birth abortion story is tangentially relevant today, but so much has changed about the abortion debate. And as for the photos, this would all occur online today — social posts, hacked phones, discussions of HIPAA, etc.
I wonder what the 2023 equivalent would be for “Harsh Light Of Morning Falls On One-Night Stand's DVD Collection.” There’s more discussion of dating apps or people not dating than of one-night stands. And what would replace the DVDs?
Thank you
Grateful to have y’all here. As always, let me know what you’re thinking or where I’ve missed something.
Next week, we have another article on Syria, plus stories about John Ashcroft, Arbor Day, the Dixie Chicks and breakups.
Gen. Jay Garner was briefly the administrator of the Iraq occupation and was replaced by Paul Bremer on May 11. I remember Bremer but not Garner.
Here’s an April 2003 article on the real-life palace. It’s almost unbelievable.
Hitchens not only backed the Iraq war, but he defended it 5 years later in a roundabout way.
This article reminds me of 2004’s “Bill Maher Spends All Night Arguing With Republican Hooker.”
A New York Times book review from February 2003 addresses the “wire mother” phenomenon, although that could be a coincidence.
Didn't the Onion do another "wire mommy" joke just a few issues back? The actual concept is based on some disturbing monkey behavioral studies from the 60's (as that review describes), but I guess it had some pop-culture currency in the early 2000s. Perhaps the Onion writers just read that same book.