20 years ago, The Onion predicted the Tulip Revolution in Kyrgyzstan

Is this The Onion's most overlooked prediction? Also, let's revisit Israeli-Palestinian ceasefires, Michael Moore, Teach for America and Jean Teasdale.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Feb. 16, 2005.

I don’t really remember this issue. But it’s been fun to discover jokes about Kyrgyzstan, a Chuck E. Cheese bender, “ring scents” and much more. Happy to be sharing them with you, too.

ICYMI, I shared some of the advertisements from last week’s pre-Valentine’s Day print issue.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 07, the 229th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2005 and today. There’s no archive of the 2015 page, although it likely looked like this 2014 version.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.¹

The front-page headline “Grandma Had Another Fall, Grandpa Reports” is no longer online. This is a “sad but true” joke.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Nyboyev tells disappointed revolutionaries that the battle for control of Kyrgyzstan is already over.

The Tulip Revolution in Kyrgyzstan began March 22, 2005, quickly leading to the peaceful overthrow of President Askar Akayev and his government.

The Onion wrote about Kyrgyzstan’s change of government on Feb. 16, 2005.

When I first read “Bloodless Coup A Real Letdown,” I assumed it satirized a historical event I’d forgotten. I didn’t think this was a prediction of the country’s immediate future.

I’m guessing this is a beautiful coincidence. At most, an Onion writer read about Kyrgyzstan’s upcoming parliamentary elections and decided to set the story there. If that’s all it is — dumb luck — that’s OK! The Onion gets 3 big details right: That a revolution was imminent, that it would be nonviolent, and that Akayev would survive. And beyond that, it’s a good tale.

The article draws on 1990s Russia for its plot. The new rulers of Kyrgyzstan are top military officials who represent the (fictional) New Dawning party. Their coup succeeds almost immediately, unlike the 1991 Soviet attempt. New President Ramazan Nyboyev discovers that the country owes months of back pay to top officials and the military — much like Russia's economic struggles under President Boris Yeltsin.

Weapons the revolutionaries never even got a chance to use.

Was the article funny? I enjoyed it, particularly the plotters’ dismay at failing to achieve battlefield glory:

According to Nyboyev, the coup produced “not a single martyr.”

“Who am I supposed to put on the money?” Nyboyev asked. “That soldier who cut himself on his own bayonet? This day was supposed to create heroes for our history books. Now the only way for us to earn the people’s respect is to repair the nation’s infrastructure.”

Added Nyboyev: “Ambush isn’t supposed to be like this.”

The new rulers boasted about a “historic day of bloodshed” and had created the slogan “When they failed to bow to the people’s will, they fell beneath our swords.”

The media ignores this triumph, holding to the adage “if it bleeds, it leads”:

“We thought we would draw the world’s attention to our nation’s plight and its liberators’ bravery,” Nyboyev said. “But who cares about ’Eurasian Country Changes Hands; No One Hurt’? The story, like our hopes, got buried.”

More political and geopolitical news

The Onion discussed the “Israeli-Palestinian Cease-Fire,” which in 2005 involved Israel and the Palestinian Authority, led by newly elected President Mahmoud Abbas.

20 years later, Abbas still leads the Palestinian Authority, but the group has largely been sidelined by Hamas, whose own ceasefire with Israel remains in effect as I write this.

The jokes are grim but not necessarily inaccurate — particularly “Israeli air strikes and Palestinian suicide bombings exempt from agreement” and “Both sides really have to try this time.”

This joke feels relevant, yet different, today: “The cease-fire may not be broken by any conflict stemming from less than half a century's worth of hatred.”

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Domestically, The Onion asked people on the street about “Failing Phys Ed Programs,” which is also a reaction to large increases in child obesity.²

These responses reflect some real-life attitudes, including parents blaming schools for anything they don’t like and the respondent who’s upset “homophobia, verbal harassment, and physical abuse are off limits” for gym teachers.

My favorite answer is this:

“The dubious benefits of a mandatory exercise program weighed against the undeniable fattening of America’s kids? Sounds like it’s time for an in-depth shirts vs. skins debate.”

Russell Sager • Laser Technician

There’s also the front-page photo “Hero Soldier Receives Presidential Thumbs-Up Award.” I love how the trophy resembles an Oscar.³

The original photo is from December 2003 at Walter Reed in Washington, D.C.

Hey, it’s Michael Moore!

Moore and the Ben & Jerry's ice cream named after his former TV series The Awful Truth.

This newsletter tries to find the funny and the relevant from 20 years ago. Both are moving targets, but especially what’s relevant.

For example, 2002’s “I Am The 'Top Gun' Of Commercial Airline Pilots” was semi-relevant for many years, then suddenly became a fresh joke when the 2022 sequel hit theaters. Meanwhile, the 1st Onion issue after 9/11 no longer feels visceral, but it remains a poignant snapshot of Americans’ reactions to the attacks.

So, how relevant is a 2005 joke about Michael Moore? A lot less than it was 10 years ago or even 1 year ago, I think.

Here’s my thinking: Such jokes reflect the politics and culture of the day: The Iraq War and War on Terror, the political blogosphere, the last years before widespread social media, and the broader neoliberal interpretation of the post-war rules-based international order.

Now? All of those realities feel superseded, whether by modern online culture, the U.S. exit from Afghanistan or the rise of President Donald Trump, who defeated the Bush-Clinton nexus, returned to office and is rejecting nearly every tradition in living memory.⁴

“Michael Moore Honored With New Ben & Jerry's Flavor” can still be funny. It’s still relevant as an example of mid-2000s political/cultural discourse. But it also feels like ancient history.

That said, 2 aspects are hyper-relevant in 2025:

• Ben & Jerry’s left-leaning politics, which continue to this day.

• Sean Hannity of Fox News, who’s about to interview Trump and Elon Musk.

So, maybe I’m overreacting! But I wanted to share this nagging feeling I’ve had in recent weeks even as I’ve enjoyed these (mostly excellent) 2005 articles.

Sean Hannity blasts The Waffle Truth as "candy-coated, liberal fluff."

As for the article, I love the premise of “The Waffle Truth,” and it sounds like a decent ice cream:

The Waffle Truth will honor the dynamic visionary by combining premium vanilla ice cream with strawberries, chocolate-covered waffle-cone bits, and a hint of cinnamon. The ice cream will be available in Ben & Jerry’s Scoop Shops Friday, followed by a retail rollout in March.

The Onion packs a lot into this article — rejected names like “Hefty Lefty” and “Fahrenheit 31.1” and this dig at other (fictional) honorees:

Added Heimert: “We believe that Michael will remain an important voice in American politics, and that we will find no need to discontinue The Waffle Truth, as we did Wavy Gravy, Doonesberry Sorbet, and Dilbert’s World Totally Nuts.”

I’m sad there’s no Hannity quote, but we do get this list of Ben & Jerry’s upcoming left-wing flavors:

Other Ben & Jerry’s flavors slated for introduction in 2005 are Praline Kael, Noam ChompChompsky Crunch, Ché Guava, and Nelson Vanilla, an anti-apartheid flavor that consists of a dark-chocolate sorbet swirled in an equal amount of vanilla ice cream.

A few notes:

• Ben & Jerry’s made “The Waffle Truth” in 2006, but for the Al Gore documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.”

• I didn’t find a reaction from Michael Moore to this article, but he did refer to his “two lovers, Ben & Jerry,” in 2013.

• Folks missed the satire on various forums and message boards.

Area People doing Area Things

Williams, who almost jizzes herself every time someone thanks her.

“Area Mom Really Gets Her Rocks Off On Being Appreciated” takes literally the mom who says, “I don’t need gifts! Feeling appreciated is gift enough!”

My main reaction is that her family has a disgusting vocabulary, in particular her son Daniel:

For as long as Williams’ son Daniel, 23, can remember, Williams has had almost no ability whatsoever to take a compliment in stride.

“If you really want to stroke Mom’s pole, all you have to do is say some little nice thing to her,” Daniel said. “Tell her you like the vase of flowers on the table, and she laps it up like a hungry dog.”

…

“Mom’s always doing stuff for us,” Daniel said. “You’d think she’d be used to us saying thanks by now, but nope. It still waxes her canoe.”

This article is set in Kingston, N.Y., and The Onion name-checks the local paper, the Daily Freeman, which is a nice touch.

The Onion’s “reporters” are steadfast in reporting the news and not injecting their opinions. But here, the reporter makes an exception after the mother says “nothing is more important” than your family’s love:

“Whatever wanks your crank, Janine Williams of Kingston, NY.”

Cuellen stands in front of the elementary school where he used to teach

“Teach For America Chews Up, Spits Out Another Ethnic-Studies Major” is a reminder of how so many new teachers aren’t ready for the culture shock:

“I walked into that school actually thinking I could make a difference,” said Cuellen, who taught an overflowing class of disadvantaged 8-year-olds. “It was trial by fire. But after five months spent in a stuffy, dark room where the chalkboard fell off the wall every two days, corralling screaming kids into broken desks, I’m burnt to a crisp.”

The Onion casts TFA as the cackling villain, knowing full well the “Sisyphean endeavor” facing graduates:

According to Anderson, a small portion of these students will lose interest after hearing horror stories from program alumni.

“But the majority of them will march on like cattle to the slaughter, thinking that pure determination and hope can change young lives,” Anderson said. “I can hear their footsteps now, marching toward our offices like lemmings to a cliff. And believe me, we’re ready for ’em.”

This is an easy joke, but it’s cleverer than the 2007 reprise “Inner-City Teacher Inspires Students To Stab Him.”

I must defend TFA for a moment. I knew many education majors in college, and almost all of them quit teaching within a few years — clearly learned in pedagogy but unprepared for actual students. Ironically, the only person I know of who’s still in K-12 education … was a Teach for America alum!

The unsung heroes of this Feb. 16, 2005, issue might be these short-form Area People jokes:

• “Homosexual Dolphin Has Highly Developed Sense Of Gay-Nar”: This is very stupid, but that goofy dolphin face makes me laugh.

• “Paris Review Receives Mysterious Plimpton Essay About Being A Ghost”: Now, this joke I love. George Plimpton’s ghost waives all payment for the 3,200-word essay.⁵

• “510 Chuck E. Cheese Tickets Blown In Grape-Soda Induced Frenzy”: Yup, The Onion successfully joked about a 9-year-old getting blackout (juice) drunk.

• “Bacon Just One Of Sprint's New Downloadable Ring Scents”: Ringtones were a $4 billion industry in 2004! I like the jokes, even if they rely on stereotypes:

  • "We even have a line of Bling Scents like Cash, Crissy, and Blueberry. And we have Alabama Clay, Wet Dog, and Skoal Bandit for country-music fans."

• “Designers Opt To Stick With Last Year's Fashions”: If only! Marc Jacobs, Oscar de la Renta and Donna Karan all support this trend.

• “New Girlfriend Bears Disturbing Resemblance To Old Girlfriend”: I knew someone whose 2nd wife not only resembled his 1st wife but also shared a first name.

Were the infographics good?

“What Wouldn't We Mind Right Now?” is a solid front-page infographic. The Onion picked on McDonald’s a lot in the 2000s, so “Third Quarter Pounder” is almost a compliment.

I like a good night’s sleep, but “Fifteen hours of sleep” is wild. Only time I’ve even come close is when I had the flu.

What columnists ran?

“That Reminds Me Of Something Funny A Client Of Mine Allegedly Said” is written by Leon Elsinger, a lawyer visiting Bahia Mar Marina in Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

The hidden joke is that Elsinger spins his yarn as if he’s trying a case:

Now, let me open by stating that my client has a long-standing reputation as a reputable loan and trust banker, an active supporter of his church, and a solid family man. The final characteristic, as will soon become clear, has some bearing upon my entertaining testimony. It is also important to note that my client has lived with dental pain for a good portion of his life—a fact that could be corroborated by numerous certified oral surgeons. Please notice that I frowned, creased my brow, and massaged the “molar” areas of my jaw in a manner said to be the habitual practice of my afflicted client.

Long story short, the client’s molar procedure failed to stop the pain, and the client was then struck in the groin by a foul ball hit by his own son. At least the client has a sense of humor about it:

When the dentist expressed sympathy for my client, my client waved off the remarks, saying—and I quote the verbal testimony of the dentist and his licensed hygienist—”Doc, that was the only time all week that I wasn’t thinking about these goddamn false teeth.”

Our other column is the inimitable Jean Teasdale, who returns with “Christmas In February.” This directly follows December 2004’s “Spawn Of Santa,” in which Jean spots her eccentric father at the mall where she works.

Instead of going back to his 3rd wife, Dad is living with Jean and hubby Rick — and driving inside the house in his Rascal motorized scooter. This is shocking:

Dad only gets out of the scooter to sleep on the living-room sofa bed, sit in Rick’s recliner, or shower. The scooter has already left black streaks on the kitchen walls, and there’s a brown patch on the living-room rug where the wheels ground in some dog doody they picked up outside.

Jean’s dad is a mall Santa who decides this should be a full-time job. After all, kids love Santa, and Americans hunger for instant gratification:

“We microwave our dinners, movies come out on DVD mere weeks after they’re released, and instead of darning a sock with a hole in it, folks simply buy a new pair.”

Jean’s confused, but likes that her dad hired her to design the leased Santa space. As usual, hubby Rick continues to be an ass, including asking Jean’s father “if he ever got ‘a rise’ out of having all those kids on his lap.”

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Libra. Notably, bank robberies have declined 83% over the past 20 years.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
If you're going to pass horrifying, threatening notes to bank tellers, at least try to get some money out of the deal.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

“Grandma Had Another Fall, Grandpa Reports” feels more relevant as the population ages.

I’m not sure I’ve ever been to a Chuck E. Cheese, but I love “510 Chuck E. Cheese Tickets Blown In Grape-Soda Induced Frenzy.”

“Bloodless Coup A Real Letdown” is such a curio. I’ve never seen it on the lists of “best Onion predictions,” but I can’t think of another time The Onion predicted a black-swan event within a few weeks of it happening.

What holds up worst?

As much as I like “Bacon Just One Of Sprint's New Downloadable Ring Scents,” it’s also true that ringtones are archaic and Sprint no longer exists.

What would be done differently today

I wonder whether The Onion would criticize public school teachers or Teach for America in this moment when everything government-related is under attack.

On the other hand, TFA has been skewered as recently as 2018’s “Teach For America Celebrates 3 Decades Of Helping Recent Graduates Pad Out Law School Applications” (not to mention slide No. 8 in 2022’s “Teachers Reveal Why They Are Quitting Their Jobs”).

Thank you

Grateful to have you here. The newsletter is taking me several hours to write lately, but it’s worth the effort.

As always, your likes, comments and shares are appreciated personally and, likely, by the Substack algorithm!

Next week, we’ll revisit Jude Law’s “Sexiest Man Alive” reign, a column by a fetus, senior citizens taking 2nd jobs and the classic column “I Support The Occupation Of Iraq, But I Don't Support Our Troops.” See you then!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. A possible inspiration for this joke was New York City public schools lacking standards for physical education in 2004! Nationally, you can find phys-ed criticisms dating to at least 1988.

3. It also reminds me of the Golden Ear awarded on Dropout’s “Make Some Noise” improv game show.

4. One essay explicitly compares him to FDR in reverse, which is noteworthy since virtually every living American was born into the country FDR shaped.

5. In 2015, The Paris Review published a wonderful recollection from a former Onion writer covering this time period.