20 years ago, The Onion blasted voters
Donald Rumsfeld celebrates Secretary's Day, Jim Anchower prepares for a road trip, a Catholic bishop is bored, and baby put on phone told her parents hate her
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit April 14, 2004.
In the years since starting this newsletter, I increasingly think about pop culture in the context of when it was created. Sometimes, this helps me understand why an outdated piece of art made sense (or didn’t!) back in the day. Other times, it’s the joy of something that still clicks today — a great Onion story, an 80-year-old screwball comedy or a 200-year-old novel.1
I hope this issue’s jokes bring you a few moments of joy.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 15, the 188th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headline “Furniture Store To Pay Employees Nothing Until 2005” is no longer online. The joke had a short shelf life.
I also like the juxtaposition of a laughing Donald Rumsfeld looking toward that perplexed baby.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Rumsfeld Looking Forward To Secretary's Day” is the latest in The Onion’s campaign to undermine Rumsfeld and John Ashcroft’s stern demeanors, following March 2004’s “Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament At Remote Island Fortress.”
The joke here is that Rumsfeld is a secretary, so he should be recognized on what’s now called Administrative Professionals Day. Rumsfeld is very busy “formulating defense policy, overseeing the affairs of the military, and ordering new supplies,” and he appreciates any recognition:
"Whether it's a card, a Mylar balloon, or a big decorated cookie, it's really nice for someone to say 'Good job. I notice what you do,'" Rumsfeld said. "Some secretaries say, 'I work my hiney off all year round, and I'm supposed to go nuts over a $25 Bath & Body Works gift certificate?' But I'm telling you, every smidgen of recognition counts. I've worked in places that didn't observe Secretary's Day at all, like the Ford White House."
Many administration officials praise Rumsfeld, including National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice, National Economic Council director Stephen Friedman and (fictional?) Pentagon Chief of Staff Angie Thomas.
Rumsfeld’s achievements include arranging a car to pick up Laura Bush at the mall, sending a birthday lollipop bouquet to Sen. Wayne Allard,2 and "the way he lights up a room.”
Did this joke work in 2004? I’m not sure. It’s fairly subtle — mocking our perceptions of ordinary secretaries versus Cabinet secretaries — and not much of an attack on Rumsfeld, which many readers might have wanted.
In fact, The Onion is meaner to President George W. Bush. Here’s the “personal” letter he wrote to Rumsfeld:
"Donald Rumsfield [sic] is a fine employee and human being," the letter read. "He's an indispensable asset to my administration, and he is cordial, well-groomed, and punctual. I am also told that he lights up a room. I hope he continues to serve my administration well into the future. People like him make America strong."
I’m conflicted by “New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly.” I’m generally a disbeliever in the wisdom of crowds, so I’m happy to see this article attack voters for their logical inconsistencies and inability to separate rhetoric from fact.
This article also foreshadows, to a degree, how future presidential candidates explicitly did not try to win over every voter. In fact, they want certain groups to know that they’re the opposition (a la Mitt Romney, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, in different ways). The Onion quotes a political science professor3 approvingly:
"The fact that the major political powers are voicing their disdain for the public shows they are no longer hiding behind empty rhetoric. I see that as a positive step."
In that sense, The Onion is prophetic — voters don’t like being called out as the problem!
"I don't pay my taxes so some suit in Washington can get on national television and call me a clown," said Bobbie Lee, a 35-year-old mechanic from Detroit. "Those Kerry ads piss me off so bad. So what if my teeth are stained? So what if I do wear sweatsocks? Everyone I show the videotape to gets just as mad. Just who does Kerry think he is? Before last week, I didn't even know his name."
Unfortunately, this article also highlights another Onion tendency: Attacking people by using the bad words they’re condemning. In 2020, I shared my conspiracy theory about the 2000s Onion:
My hypothesis is that The Onion in 2000 had at least one staffer who was super-bigoted and hid this by writing edgy stories purporting to attack people for racism and other things.
To illustrate, we have this image of Bush campaign ads. “Are you dumb enough to vote against homeland security?” is a good joke and the least lazy.
The 2nd joke, c’mon.
The better version of this article? The Onion’s 2020 podcast episode, also titled “New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly.”
There were a few other, smaller jokes that were newsy in the April 14, 2004, issue:
“Tank Rolls By Living Room Window”: I think this is a random joke, but maybe it’s a contrast to the U.S. presence in Iraq, where insurgent attacks had increased.
“Resistance In Iraq”: The Onion asked people about the rise in violence in Iraq (spoiler: this was not short-lived). The best joke might be the one that’s deadly serious:
"A handful of kidnappings and a few armed insurrections doesn't mean we're losing control. It just means that we never really had control."
Frank Himmelbaum • Systems Analyst
“Zambia Tired Of Being Mentioned In 'News Of The Weird' Section”: This short article has multiple levels. One, The Onion skewers Reuters’ infamous “Oddly Enough” news stories.4 Two, there was a different “News of the Weird” column. Three, The Onion mocks itself for a trend I’ve criticized — articles that seemingly pick a random African country to mock.
The Onion makes fun of the Catholic Church
The Onion’s coverage of the Catholic Church usually attacked the bureaucracy, whether it was covering the sex-abuse scandals, the papal succession or the office of the pope itself. The Onion’s Protestant coverage, by contrast, often put clergy in Area Man scenarios, such as 1997’s “Local Lutheran Minister Loves To Fuck His Wife.”
“Bishop Sick Of Local Church Scene” gives the Catholics a rare spot in the Area Man spotlight. We visit (fictional) Bishop Robert K. Boland of Sacramento, Calif., who’s bored of the sacraments and, really, the whole Catholic thing:
"Don't get me wrong—I still care about everyone's eternal soul," Boland added. "I care deeply, but I must admit that the congregations have sorta become one big blur of blue-haired old ladies. Lately, when I get the question about whether so-and-so's cats are waiting for her in heaven, I just fall back on a stock answer."
Poor Boland. He’s clearly suffering from burnout, an all-too-common scourge of the modern workplace. But, like so many workers, his bosses don’t care. Says real-life Cardinal Roger Mahony:
"As a cardinal, I'm forced to listen to that same complaint again and again. It's getting really old. If he's so unhappy, he's more than welcome to quit the Church and go work at a Taco Bell."
Area People doing Area Things
“Friend Buys Computer Just Like That” highlights 2 types of people: Those who agonize over large purchases (like a $1,200 computer in 2004) and those who go with their gut and move on with their lives.
This mentality isn’t just about having the money to buy a computer, although that helps. It’s a worldview: Jeremy Trask doesn’t worry at all about this purchase, which boggles the mind of friend Paul Cheng:
"Before you buy a computer, you're supposed to get some magazines, ask the office IT guy what he recommends, and find out how your friends like their computers," Cheng said. "People spend days just identifying their needs, let alone selecting a computer that meets those needs. I mean, it's a computer! How do you know what you're getting if you just snap one up?"
Cheng is appalled that Trask did no research other than wanting a DVD player for when he stayed over at his girlfriend’s. Trask also seems not to know basic 2004 terminology:
And—oh, this was the classic line! This killed me! He said he wanted one that had an 'MP3 maker.'"
"I am not kidding," Cheng added. "Those were his exact words."
Cheng is further distressed upon finding out Trask hadn’t even opened the computer box 24 hours later.
I love how stressed out Cheng is, even if he’s probably right. Also, this article is worth reading to see the computer specs: A 40-gigabyte hard drive! Microsoft Works!
Other Area People jokes include:
“Baby Put On Phone Told Her Parents Hate Her” is one of my favorite one-liners, especially paired with that photo. God bless whoever agreed to use their infant for this.
“Study: Owning A Boat Not Worth It”: This is barely a joke, other than Boating magazine being the one to say it (apologies to my old co-worker whose family thrives with owning a boat; you’re the exception).
“What Grieving Widow Needs Is A Day At The Spa”: This friend is trying to be helpful, but …
"Your eyes are so red and puffy from crying... but that's nothing a few cucumber slices and an apricot facial couldn't cure," said Thomas, who attended the Blausers' wedding eight years ago.
“Man Nods His Way To The Top”: I’d probably still be at my old job and a rung higher if I just nodded more at bad ideas. This article mentions real-life Fidelity Chairman Edward C. Johnson III.
“Room Scanned For Something To Sell On eBay”: The Onion loved eBay-related stories back in the day. I love what this guy settles for:
“After listing a misshapen clay bowl he made in a high-school ceramics class, Vye decided to head out to the yard to search for ‘eBay-able stuff’ there.”
Were the infographics good?
“Statue Of Liberty To Reopen” reminds us that the statue was closed for many years for renovations and was closed again after 9/11. The pedestal has mostly remained closed, even after the 2004 reopening.
I like the post-9/11 joke about “The Statue of Security” and the terror-coded flame color. We also have possibly the 1st reference to Iraqi cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, whose forces were battling U.S. troops in April 2004.
The Onion covers a lot of ground here — jokes about rah-rah patriotism, immigration, the surveillance state, and dissing the French, among other topics.
“Why Are We Applying For A Tax Extension?” is your reminder that taxes are due this Monday!
These jokes are OK. The only one that really made me laugh is “Just love extending things.”
What columnists ran?
“I Will Not Rest Until Sometime After 11 p.m.” is about a man who’s determined to achieve his goals, but only if they coincide with his bedtime.
Our columnist, Ryan Carlisle, compares himself to legends like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein and, oddly, George Armstrong Custer. (Also, Lincoln’s postmaster general, Montgomery Blair, has his last name misspelled as “Blaire.”)
Carlisle has an interesting definition of perseverance. His version includes extra caffeine, calling his mother, doing chores and watching TV:
No matter what arduous activities I complete during the day, I shall not stop striving until I've eaten dinner, watched The Daily Show, and had a relaxing shower. I will galvanize my spirit, pressing ever forward in the day until I put on my pajamas and fall exhausted into my bed, at which point I shall pull the comforter over my weary torso. I'll try to do this by 11:30 p.m., so as to get a good night's sleep, which will allow me to be alert the following day.
This is a slow burn, but The Onion does a great job of making an ordinary day seem heroic.
Our other columnist is another purveyor of the mundane, Jim Anchower, with “Here's My Road Map To Road Trips.”
Anchower is having a tough time — or, as he eloquently puts it, “the trouble pot boiled over and spilled all over everything again.” What a line. His refridgerator isn’t working, he’s behind on rent, and he’s resorting to dry ice to keep his food and drinks cold (and burning himself occasionally).
In a classic Anchower move, he was suspended from work after getting into a shoving match with a co-worker who read Anchower’s columns. Eventually, this co-worker deigned to critique REO Speedwagon, and all bets were off.
Let’s think about this for a moment: Anchower is a random, semi-employed dude in Wisconsin. And yet he has a regular newspaper column where he airs everything about his life, and people read it! I guess after decades of blogs and social media, this sort of confessional isn’t new, but it’s still weird to imagine Anchower as a real person you could meet.
Anyways, here’s how Anchower describes the tussle:
We knocked over some luggage, freaked out a couple of old people, and made a 2-year-old cry. Believe me, it wasn't one of my finer moments. But, come on. I was fighting for that 2-year-old's right to listen to REO with pride one day. Brian and I each got a week's suspension with no pay. Brian's usually an all-right guy, but currently, he's on my shit list.
With the suspension, Anchower decides to spend money he doesn’t have and go on a road trip. And who wouldn’t take advice from him?! His basic tips:
Get a buddy with gas money.
Keep your car clean.
Bring the essentials: Jerky, soda, oil cans and an orange.
“Fourth, make a plan. You shouldn't go off without any idea where you're going.”
Line up an “emergency buddy,” just in case.
Hard to argue with that!
Finally, we have “Preparing For A Hospital Stay,” a goofy collection of jokes from the pre-Obamacare era. My favorites include:
“If you have a wok at home, it's a good idea to get some bedpan practice before the pressure is on.”
“Whatever you do, don't check into any facility called ‘General Hospital.’ That place is full of back-stabbing, narcissistic lunatics.”
What was the best horoscope?
This week’s horoscopes reference “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids,” mascots, kidney transplants and more, but I’m going with Gemini just because this is such a wild sequence of words:
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A bizarre misunderstanding on the part of a bordello owner results in your getting flayed within an inch of your life by hot Asian teens.
What holds up best?
I’m fond of Onion stories that highlight the human psyche. “Friend Buys Computer Just Like That” does this well, even if many of the specifics are outdated.
What holds up worst?
I’m open to an argument that the Rumsfeld story holds up worst. Consider that in April 2004, the Iraqi insurgency was accelerating, and Rumsfeld was in charge of the American military presence there. Odd timing for a puff piece about the guy.
But I’ll stick with “New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly,” particularly the image with the fake Bush campaign ads.
What would be done differently today?
As seen above, the 2020 version of “New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly” was audio-only. I’m not sure how much The Onion is doing with audio these days, given its financial and staffing struggles, but it has had amusing podcasts in recent years, including the “Serial” parody “A Very Fatal Murder.”
I love how much “local” news is in this issue. As regular readers know, I miss that part of The Onion, even though I know the publication today is satirizing internet culture, not local newspapers.
Thank you
Thanks for being here. Please share this newsletter (or the articles themselves!) with anyone who loves The Onion.
Next week, we revisit Iraq, nepotism, Earth Day and libertarians, as well as the classic “Woman Looks Great For A 32-Year-Old.”
Conan O’Brien references “Don Quixote,” the Bible and Chaucer in a similar context during his brilliant, deranged “Hot Ones” appearance. Also, if you aren’t familiar with screwball comedies, start with “Ball of Fire,” “The Awful Truth,” or “His Girl Friday.” This list is immaculate and only scratches the surface.
Allard was last seen lamenting his lodgings in 2003’s “Sophomore Senator Eager To Move Out Of Congressional Housing.”
The Onion calls him Charles Wayne when they likely meant Stephen Wayne, both of Georgetown University.
“Oddly Enough” appears to be a video feature nowadays. Here’s a 2007 example of what “Oddly Enough” looked like.