20 years ago in The Onion, Mom found out about the blog
Remember Flash animation? Osama Bin Laden? Good Charlotte? Terri Schiavo? The Onion covered them all 20 years ago!
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 12, 2003.
I’m thrilled to revisit early-2000s personal blogs; not as thrilled to talk about the sad Terri Schiavo ordeal. We’ll also look back at The Onion’s favorite espionage team, led by Dept. Head Rawlings.
If you’re new here, welcome! We publish most Sundays. Check out the archive and sign up below.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 44, the 170th new Onion issue of the 2000s. There is no 2003 website archive yet again. Here’s the website from 2013 and today.
The front-page headline “Thomas Jefferson’s Descendants Still Gloating Over Louisiana Purchase” is no longer online. October 2003 was the 200th anniversary of the Senate authorizing the purchase.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Mom Finds Out About Blog” wasn’t even on the front page on Nov. 12, 2003, but it’s my favorite story to look back on for multiple reasons:
I was a blogger in the 2000s, with a steady but relatively small following. I mostly wrote about baseball, but also random things. This was very typical of blogs!1
This Onion article is about 30-year-old Minneapolis resident Kevin Widmar, who blogs at “PlanetKevin” about his life.
Kevin’s mother is a recurring character, previously seen in 2002’s “Getting Mom Onto Internet A Sisyphean Ordeal,” which I wrote about here. The Onion acknowledges this with a quote from Kevin:
"To think that I was happy that Mom was e-mailing instead of calling ever since [Widmar's sister] Karen got her online last year," he added. "I didn't see the danger."
Kevin’s blog is mostly mundane, with posts about his recent birthday, his dinners, a new TV. He also talks about his employer — which is how his mom found the blog:
"Apparently, Mom typed [Widmar's employer] Dean Healthcare into Google along with my name and, lo and behold, PlanetKevin popped up," Widmar said. "I'm so fucked."
In an e-mail sent to Widmar Monday, Lillian reported in large purple letters that she was "VERY EXCITED :)!!!" to find his "computer diary," but was perplexed that he hadn't mentioned it to her.
This article is littered with cultural tipping points. For example, in the June 2002 article featuring Lillian Widmar, she’s using Yahoo’s search engine. By November 2003, she’s switched to Google.
Also, it’s heartwarming The Onion of 2003 wasn’t worried about Kevin losing his job over his blog, despite the questionable content (and complaining about his employer). The only real worry is being embarrassed by his mom:
"Mom had a fit when she found out that I put my television on my credit card," Widmar added. "If she reads about how I was with my friend Jayson when he got pulled over for drunk driving, I'll never hear the end of it."
"Oh God," Widmar said with a gasp. "Three days ago, I wrote something about buying pot!"
…
"I know Mom will instantly become the site's most avid reader and most vocal fan," Widmar said. "As I write it, I'll think, 'How would Mom feel about this?' Even worse, I'm sure she'll give the address to all our relatives."
The Onion’s political coverage
The top story in this issue is “Congress Raises Executive Minimum Wage To $565.15/Hr.” White-collar executives previously made as little as $515.15 per hour, which is a clever nod to 2003’s actual federal minimum wage of $5.15 per hour.
This new law means that executives will make no less than $1,175,512, although it’s short of what House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas) wanted:
The wage was calculated to help executives meet the federal standard-of-easy-living mark of $1.1 million a year. DeLay said that, although his goal is to ultimately reach an executive minimum wage of $800 per hour, he was satisfied with what he characterized as a "stop-gap measure."
"Many of the thousands of Americans overseeing the nation's factories, restaurant chains, and retailers can't even afford a jet," DeLay said. "It's our long-term goal to ensure that no one who sees to it that others work hard for a living will have to go without the basic necessities of the good life."
The “standard-of-easy-living” joke is so casually delivered. It’s a comedic genius that even The Onion struggles to achieve today.
I love the jokes about the other executive perks: Housing credits for 2nd and 3rd homes, “single-payer health-spa coverage” and mandatory overtime for working “on holidays, outside of their home offices, or from a limousine or non-chartered private aircraft.”
After all, times have been tough for high-level corporate executives!
"Our lifestyles are expensive to maintain," Boeing senior vice-president of international relations Tom Pickering said. "The costs of even the most basic executive transportation, food, and clothing are staggering. Since 1993, the average cost of maintaining a household of six, including a butler, a cook, a maid, a driver, and a groundskeeper, has increased by 14 percent.”
Notable Senate supporters of the bill include Ted Kennedy, while the only senators opposed are campaign-finance reform crusaders Russ Feingold and John McCain.
A big story in fall 2003 that I’d completely forgotten about was “The Reagans,” a CBS miniseries starring James Brolin that was yanked off the schedule after conservative criticism. (The miniseries eventually aired on Showtime.2)
This is a rare chance for the younger writers to use all their Reagan jokes while concocting absurd scenarios. I’m curious what older readers thought of this infographic — I was 5 when Reagan left office.
“Crowd scene clearly contains extras wearing modern dress” is the least Reagan-specific joke, but I like it. My favorite joke is probably “Scenes depict nuclear winter of 1985 as much worse than it actually was.”
Both of The Onion’s front-page headline/photo combinations are intriguing to look back on.
“Right-To-Kill Advocate Opposes Right-To-Die Measure” shows Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, who had just intervened in the Terri Schiavo case, which I had forgotten about and am less than excited to write about.
“Flash-Animated Osama Bin Laden Captured” is much more my speed. I’m 100% certain there were Flash animations of Bin Laden floating around the internet in 2003 — after all, you could kill Bin Laden in video games just weeks after 9/11.
RIP Flash, by the way.
Other politics/government stories in this issue include:
“The Anti-Abortion Campaign”: The Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act was signed into law in 2003, and The Onion asks people what they think. The jokes are good overall, but my favorite is this one:3
"Why can't more American women be like Jessica Lynch? What do you mean, what do I mean?"
Frank Eldridge • Systems Analyst
“Ad Campaign For New $20 Bill A Success”: I love the idea that the $20 bill was competing against other bills. Says Treasury Secretary John Snow:
“We couldn't be happier. Americans agree that the Series 2004 U.S. currency is the legal tender for all debts, public and private."
Area People doing Area Things
“Search For Missing Child Drags On To Fourth Boring Day” is a dark tale about the tediousness of a missing-persons search, as opposed to the tense adventure and action you might see on TV or in movies.
Local volunteers are fed up after just a few days of searching — even when it’s a missing blonde girl!
"The first day or two was okay, I guess," said Clay Watts, a nearby resident who has been participating in the search since Saturday morning. "But now it's been four days, and she still hasn't turned up. The cops arrange us in these straight, long lines, and we advance 10 feet at a time. This goes on for hours. I've never been so bored in my life. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored."
The boring views of Pickett, Tenn., are not helping, with lifelong resident Shirley Snow only just realizing “there are no gently rolling hills or picturesque windmills around here.”
Volunteers keep coming across a littered Coors can, but no helpful evidence. The police have no leads, either — although we do get small talk about glass insulators from old Bell Telephone poles.
The closest thing to a lead is a dead body that turned out to be a deer:
"I have to admit, when they announced it was an animal, a few people groaned in disappointment," volunteer Drena Biddle said. "It would have been a shame if we'd found Allison in that state, but at least the search would be over."
"Oh, look!" Watts said. "There's that Coors can again."
Dark stuff, maybe not the most fun to read. But I appreciate the skewering of how American culture treats missing-persons cases.
“Woman Mentally Breaks Up With Colin Farrell” is a good reminder that Colin Farrell was once a big movie star — or rather, Hollywood was determined to make him one.4
Farrell’s 2003 movies include “The Recruit” (I saw this, somehow? The worst Al Pacino I’ve seen), “S.W.A.T.” (fun in theaters, but bad and forgettable), “Daredevil,” and an ensemble role in “Intermission.”
That said, 25-year-old Heather Lentz is fake-breaking up with Farrell because of what she’s read in tabloids and imagined in her head:
"Those brown eyes are to die for, and I'll admit that I've always had a weakness for men with stubble," Lentz said. "Nevertheless, I was turned off by Colin's rude behavior. His constant need for attention is really juvenile."
Lentz, who gleaned her knowledge of Farrell from various entertainment-news sources, has never sought a real-life relationship with the rising star, and characterized the phenomenon of celebrity stalking as "pathetic." Nevertheless, when pressed, Lentz was able to give a detailed account of the rise and fall of her pretend relationship with Farrell.
This is a typical story about celebrity crushes, but The Onion takes it to another level with the details. Lentz worries about being a homebody while Farrell is a party animal prone to cheating. The news that Farrell has a son with a girlfriend was the final straw.
Also, Lentz has a real-life boyfriend! He’s mentioned in the very last sentence.
Finally, I love that Netflix was culturally relevant enough in late 2003 for The Onion to choose it over Blockbuster. But, of course, by “queue” we mean DVDs, not streaming:
Lentz said she is taking steps to scale back Farrell's presence in her life. She has taped over her copies of his Access Hollywood appearances, and removed the film Hart's War, starring Farrell and Bruce Willis, from her Netflix queue.
Lentz has since moved on to beginner’s crushes on Ewan McGregor and William H. Macy.
Other Area People stories in this issue include:
“Man Always Three Ingredients Away From Making Pancakes”: Beautiful headline. No notes.
“MTV Executive Grounds Son For Recommending Good Charlotte”: I never got into Good Charlotte. However, they were a Maryland band, and I went to college in Baltimore, so I heard a lot about them. (Also, Good Charlotte was doing well on MTV by 2003!)
“Woman Judges Cities Solely By Their Airports”: Like the pancakes headline, a timeless statement. “Where else but O'Hare can you buy a real Chicago hot dog?" makes me laugh.
“Al Kozlewski Pulls A Kozlewski”: Everything about this delights me: A bunch of steamfitters drinking in a tavern, the last names (I have Polish/Lithuanian ancestors on my mom’s side), the mooching of beer:
"He sat down at the table, drank two beers from a pitcher that someone else bought, and then suddenly decided that he had to get right home. A classic Kozlewski." When informed of the charges, Kozlewski said that if Fassle has a problem, he should "stop being such a Palaczyk and say it to my face."
Were the infographics good?
The front-page infographic was “Where Are We Getting Our Vitamins And Minerals?” Almost all of these make me laugh — these are either great jokes or I have low standards! “Straight from niacin mines of Kentucky” is my favorite. “Riboflavin Mart” is a great reference to one of the many B vitamins.
I’m shocked “Vitamin-fortified wine” isn’t a real product, but some scientists are looking into it!
What columnists ran?
I always loved The Onion, but I was unaware of the recurring column by Dept. Head Rawlings until I started this newsletter. There are at least 8 of these columns from 2002-10. They are spy parodies — James Bond/Man From U.N.C.L.E.-style — where the reader enters in media res.
And they are beautiful. The Onion doesn’t lose itself in a story like this anymore — this is closer to ClickHole, if anything.
In the column “I've Received Some Unpleasant Information Regarding My Estranged Half-Brother's Involvement In The Barcelona Debacle,” Rawlings and his estranged brother took different paths from nearly the beginning:
MacNeill, I was kept in the dark regarding Paladiev, as well. Like you, for many years, I had no need to know of my half-brother. It would have done more harm than good for me, as a young boy, to hear that my father, his identity exposed to the NKVD and his file preemptively erased by the OSS, had found comfort in a smoky yurt and the welcoming arms of a comely young shepherdess.
Ultimately, my father's narrow escape to Toulon—and my pregnant mother—was interpreted by the shepherdess as a political and personal betrayal. She used her enmity toward my father as a spur to her ambition. By the time Paladiev was 3, the shepherdess was a colonel of Soviet intelligence. How quickly she learned the sly and shameful rules of the Great Game, and how eagerly she drilled them into her son.
We learn very little about these spy agencies’ allegiances or the point of the “Barcelona debacle,” but we do learn that Rawling's brother Paladiev is a masterful spy. Among his feats:
And it was Paladiev who poisoned the lipstick of the Swedish ambassador's mistress, and so killed the three—the ambassador, his wife, and his lover.
Our other column is a disturbing tale of parenting: “I Think I'll Drive The Kids Up To The State Park To See This 'Glory Hole.’”
I hope this crisis can be averted by the “Internet research” Eugene McTaggert plans on doing:
Before we leave, I'll do some research on the Internet, to get some details. I'll find out if we should bring any supplies, like flashlights or rope. I wonder if we need to pack a lunch. I'd hate to get all the way to the Glory Hole and find out that there's nothing to munch on for miles. We can bring some protein bars either way.
McTaggert learned about this by overhearing a conversation at the dog groomers, by the way. And he’s blissfully ignorant and incorrect about every aspect of this location. And he keeps telling people about it!
A few guys at the gym had great things to say about the Glory Hole, but as soon as I told them I was taking my wife and kids, they didn't want to talk about it anymore.
Good lord. I mean, this is good writing, but wow.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Gemini, with this harsh shunning by a local community:
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will fall out of favor with the community, be shunned by your family, and lose your job after you dare to suggest that Audrey Hepburn had kind of a big nose.
What holds up best?
This is the most subjective part of the newsletter, but to me, “Man Always Three Ingredients Away From Making Pancakes” feels perfect then and now. A simple joke about human foibles.
“Right-To-Kill Advocate Opposes Right-To-Die Measure” is also a joke you could use for any number of public figures in any era.
What holds up worst?
I think this is a good issue overall! No one would care about a CBS miniseries in 2023, but the idea of controversy over media depictions of politicians — especially Ronald Reagan? Never more relevant.
What would be done differently today?
There would sadly be fewer columns and “local” stories in today’s Onion. However, many of the pop culture and political stories could be updated (replace Colin Farrell with Travis Kelce, maybe?).
I’m biased, but many of The Onion’s jokes today seem telegraphed. Like, “‘Inside Out 2’ Trailer Reveals Maya Hawke Will Be Voicing New Character Called Nepotism” is fine, but it’s not clever. We already know about nepo-babies, especially in Hollywood.
Thank you
Thank you for being here — and for reading this far!
One tiny favor to ask: Please share this newsletter with people if you think they should be reading it! Doesn’t have to be on social — email, text or word of mouth is perfect. Heck, I’m shy about promoting this in real life! I’d write this newsletter just for myself, but I’d love to have it reach as many people as possible.
Here’s New York magazine in 2006(!) chronicling the history of blogs, albeit from a very NYC-centric bias.
Variety published an oral history of this saga in 2020.
Lynch inspired an Onion story earlier in 2003, but I believe this is her 1st direct mention.
Also in 2003, Farrell was a rebound hookup for Britney Spears.
Flash-animated bin Laden, that takes me back. I remember lots of satirical Flash games/animations about Bush (and Kerry) too.