20 years ago, The Onion mocked bird-flu alarmists
The Onion also covers leisure time, cell phones, the Golden Globes, Google, Jay-Z and the secret plot to destroy Tang.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Feb. 2, 2005.
The Onion did not celebrate Groundhog Day 20 years ago, but it did comment on surprisingly relevant topics like bird flu, Google’s next innovation, immigrant laborers and crime adjacent to Jay-Z.
ICYMI, this newsletter was cited by Futurism this week in an article exploring The Onion’s recent bout of accidentally using AI-generated images.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 41, Issue 05, the 227th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2005, 2015 and today. At some point in 2015, The Onion deprecated its print archive pages — that 2015 link looked like this by September 2015.
The front page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.1
The front-page headlines “Parents' Values Skip A Generation” and “Local Submissive At Bottom Of Her Game” are no longer online, which is a shame.
On the website, The Onion removed the fundraising notice related to the Indian Ocean tsunami.
I rarely note the text advertisements on The Onion’s old homepage, partly because the links are broken, but “Get 12 CDs for the price of 1 - from BMG!” made me nostalgic.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“180 Trillion Leisure Hours Lost To Work in 2004” was the top story in the Feb. 2, 2005 issue. In 2007, it was retitled “180 Trillion Leisure Hours Lost To Work Last Year,” making it more evergreen.2
The premise is that all work is a wasted opportunity for leisure. The researchers from Boston University’s fictional School of Lifestyle Management acknowledge the irony of losing “nearly 2,000 leisure hours” investigating this topic:
“The hours between 9 a.m. and 6 p.m. are ideally suited to browsing stores, dozing in front of the television, and finishing the morning paper. Daytime hours are also the warmest and sunniest of the day, making them perfect for outdoor activities. Unfortunately, most Americans can’t enjoy leisure during this time, for the simple reason that they’re ‘at work.’”
RIP to “finishing the morning paper,” as roughly 2,200 local newspapers closed between 2005 and 2021.
The Onion talks to experts, including Deborah Kletter from the fictional Five-to-Nine Foundation, who laments that Americans have so little vacation time. Worst of all, Europe is kicking our ass at leisure:
“Americans simply can’t keep up with the European leisure force,” Kletter said. “In such fields as suntanning, skiing, and cooking elaborate meals that can be eaten over the course of an entire evening, Europe has us beat.”
The report’s internals reveal that full-time workers are hit hardest, with part-time workers coming in a close second, and freelancers marking a distant third.3
This is classic Onion material — not the most hard-hitting, not the laugh-out-loud funniest, but solid work that’s as relevant as ever.
Bird flu is back in the U.S., about 20 years after the H5N1 strain emerged as a public health crisis. The Onion recently covered the 1st human death in the U.S. from this strain.
In early 2005, however, The Onion didn’t seem as concerned. “Nation's Leading Alarmists Excited About Bird Flu” satirizes H5N1 concern as apocalyptic doomerism led by lobbyists and conservative news outlets.
Let’s be clear: H5N1 was being monitored as a threat, even if it didn’t become an outbreak on the level of COVID or the 1918, 1957 or 1968 influenza outbreaks:
The New York Times started covering H5N1 several months prior.
The CDC was preparing to test the effects of a combined bird flu/regular flu virus.
As The Onion acknowledged, the 1st confirmed reports of human-to-human transmission had just emerged.4
That said, bird flu wasn’t big enough to make the CDC’s homepage in late January 2005, so The Onion felt safe mocking fictional alarmists like Dr. Preston Douglas and Matthew Wexler, “president of the National Alarmist Council and one of the nation’s leading fear mongers”:
“Many experts also believe a major global flu outbreak to be imminent, if not—God forbid—already underway. Why, recent observation and documentation has recorded at least one case of human-to-human transmission of a rare strain of the avian influenza virus. If this one case is proof that the animal virus is mutating into a contagious, lethal human virus, then the entire world is basically doomed. Doomed!”
Douglas is best known for his brilliant alarmist analyses of flesh-eating bacteria, Ebola, and SARS—all of which he successfully developed into topics of major international trepidation.
Other fictional alarmists include the American National Citizen’s Institute for Alarm and reporters from Fox News and the New York Post.
The Onion also mocks “just asking questions” guys:
“Listen, finding cures is not my job,” Wexler said. “I just report the facts as best and as briefly as I can. Then I interpret them in what I, as an alarmist, believe to be the most effective fashion. And if what I perceive here is real—namely, a looming epidemic and an atmosphere of apathy and fatalism in the U. S. medical community—then we are facing Armageddon.”
This is a curious story to review 20 years later. In many ways, The Onion is simply having fun skewering doomers. Bird flu is simply a relevant news hook in the same way a stock market dip inspired 2002’s “Lou Dobbs Hosts Moneyline From Window Ledge.”
I don’t think The Onion thought bird flu was a fake threat, but they played with fire by writing this article before we knew how deadly (or not) H5NI would be. Had bird flu killed thousands (or more!), this article would be embarrassing to read today.
Real-life news and people
This issue has many real-life mentions, including these short articles:
“Jay-Z's Grandfather Busted With Trunk Full Of Canadian Prescription Drugs”: In January 2005, Canada signaled it would crack down on mail-order Rx shipments into the U.S. while blaming President George W. Bush for the move. This is also a “99 Problems” joke, with the lyrics referenced here:
"My grandson says I shouldn't have unlocked the trunk unless the cops had a warrant, but what's a man supposed to do?" said Carter, who was busted with more than $1,000 worth of pharmaceutical-grade Diovan, Lipitor, and Lanoxin.
“Kool-Aid, Hi-C Make Backroom Deal To Destroy Tang”: I wish this were a longer article! The Kool-Aid CEO is named Robert Eckert, who was CEO of Kool-Aid owner Kraft Heinz from 1997-2000. There’s a reference to the “Wyler’s hit,” which references Borden’s sale of Wyler’s to Kraft Heinz in 2001.
“Tourism In The Tsunami's Wake”: The Onion asked people about their travel plans for tsunami-affected areas. One of the responses is cut off on today’s website, but you can see it in the 2005 archive. My favorite response is:
“Whoa. Talk about the very definition of guilt trip.”
Tyler Wilson • Systems Analyst
Area People doing Area Things
“Dress-Up Doll Born To Area Couple” features the classic 21st-century problem for successful American couples: Should we have a child, or should we continue to enjoy our lives?
Fortunately, Ron Garver and Becky Meyers can have it all — becoming parents and operators of a living fashion show:
Meyers said she began to read everything she could get her hands on, from catalogs to articles on nursery decorating.
“I was so relieved when our little girl arrived in perfect health,” Meyers said. “It’s almost impossible to find cute outfits for preemies.”
Since their baby’s birth, Garver, a staff writer for New York magazine, and Meyers, who works in acquisitions at a small film company, have spent nearly 30 percent of their income on baby clothes.
Do we ever learn the name of this baby? Nope! But we do learn she’s been on the Jumbotron at a New York Knicks game and has a T-shirt featuring The Clash, among dozens of other outfits:
“Having a child is a lot of work,” Meyers added. “Coming up with the idea to dress your baby like a farmer, a police officer, or even a little sunflower is difficult enough on its own. But if she’s sleepy or fussy, it can take a half an hour to dress her. Still, when you hear the coos of the neighbors who see her in the Baby Jogger, it’s all worth it.”
I wonder whose kid this was in real life.
“Cell Phone Lost, Found, All In Thrilling Four-Minute Period” still works today, but I love how specific the details are to the mid-2000s.
One thing that jumps out is how much people identified with their cell phone brand, even before the iPhone existed. This article features the Nokia 6230 from Cingular Wireless, which includes a color screen and the ability to take video, all with 2G connectivity at speeds up to 220 kbit/s.
As University of Pittsburgh student Evelyn Labaton retraces her steps, she runs through the worst-case scenario:
“All the way, I was visualizing the hours it would take to enter all my phone numbers into a new phone,” Labaton said. “And that’s for the ones I remember. A lot of the numbers would be totally gone forever.”
Labaton added that she hadn’t “even [wanted] to think about” all the ring tones and camera-phone photos she’d lose.
Fortunately, her phone was on the floor at the coffee shop. All is well, although you’d think she endured real trauma:
“The other students had no idea what I’d just been through,” Labaton said. “It was such a relief when Professor Butte started class, so I could zone out and try to forget the whole thing.”
The article mentions a Java Cup coffee shop and a Daniel Hall building on the campus, neither of which appear to exist.
Other Area People jokes include:
“Jealous God Wants Area Man's '69 Charger”: This feels random, but I suspect it’s a nod to the “Dukes of Hazzard” movie5 that was announced in late 2004 and premiered in August 2005.
“Amazing 'Human Fly' Lives Off Diet Of Garbage”: Truly an impressive and horrifying photo.
“Son Attempts To Cultivate Parents' Interest In Better Movies”: I don’t remember “Sideways,” a Best Picture nominee that won for Best Adapted Screenplay. The parents are more “Meet The Fockers” types, apparently.
“Sex Life Embellished During Doctor Visit”: The headline is funnier than the text, but it’s a good joke.
“Immigrant Laborers Hired To Delete Spam”: This one is both incredibly relevant and incredibly dated in 2025. I love this quote:
“Finally, I was like, ’Eureka! Hire some low-cost Hispanic laborers to empty our Outlook Express trashcans.’ Our IT van just swings by the docks in the morning and picks up a dozen or so guys.”
Were the infographics good?
“Google In 2005” reminds us that Google has created 2-3 great products — search, email — and dozens of other products that eventually end up in the graveyard. I don’t remember Google Video, but it seems to have been a little bit of the Internet Archive’s video database and a little bit of YouTube before YouTube.
“Patent the idea of looking for something” is a good joke, but I’m guessing Google tried (did?) to patent this idea. And I like “Finally get around to making back-up disks of everything” for the nostalgia of physical storage.
“Most Popular Reissued Board Games” is a great front-page infographic. How is “Clue: Special Victims Unit” not a board game?
The “Operation” illustration is … a different version of the game than I remember.
What columnists ran?
“Follow That Prius!” reminds us that the Toyota Prius was a status symbol in the 2000s, both for celebrities and for upwardly mobile, environmentally conscious Americans.6
Our columnist, Kenneth Crafft, is in a Honda Insight (a hybrid competitor) chasing a seafoam green Prius whose owner fits the stereotype: Careful, rules-following driver who is liberal and middlebrow:
Easy here. Don’t get in his blind spot—he’s certain to carefully check it before progressing through this intersection. He’s turning right on red! Ah. Okay. Good thing he came to a full stop before continuing. We might’ve lost him. Wait a minute…
In the Starbucks drive-thru! See, I told you. I don’t care if that car is capable of delivering an impressive 60 miles per gallon in city driving, the driver is bound to stop for a half-caf, mocha soy latté sometime.
…
Yes, it’s a man. I can tell by that lacrosse emblem on the back of the car. It’s just above the endangered-species license plate, to the right of the anti-Bush bumper sticker.
Alas, this driver knows how to blend in:
Where is he? Where the…? Damn it. The recycling center. That bastard. Just look at all the seafoam green Priuses in this parking lot! It’ll take all day to check them all. Well, start rounding up the drivers. You’ve seen the fun part of the job, kid, but here comes the not-so-glamorous part. We’re in for a long night of politely questioning the upwardly mobile and socially responsible.
Onion entertainment columnist Jackie Harvey is back with “The Golden Globes Were A Golden Time!” If you know Harvey’s column, you know he brings unbridled enthusiasm and a complete lack of fact-checking (or spell-checking).
Here’s the 1st paragraph:
Item! The Golden Globes recently took place, answering the question “Who will the foreign press honor this year?” Well, how’s Hillary Duff for starters? She won Best Actress for A Million Dollar Smile, where she plays a boxer. She sure did grow up fast! Meanwhile, Jamie Fox won Best Black Actor, and rightly so. His speech alone was worth the award! From a Jackie to a Jamie: Way to go!
Harvey tells readers that “Charliee Theron” is still attractive as a brunette but that Natalie Portman looked like a “frumpy grandma.”
Among the many pop-culture references, a few are still relevant today, including:
The Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston breakup
The cancellation of “Crossfire,” the show featuring Tucker Carlson that Jon Stewart famously destroyed. Harvey says Stewart “dropped the A-Bomb on Tucker Carlson.”
There’s also this advertisement for the iPod:
Now that I got a raise here at the Scoop, I think it’s time to treat myself to an iPod. Everywhere I turn, I see those little white headphones, and I confess that I’m envious. You can store the entire Depeche Mode collection and still have plenty of room for other songs. I’ll have to wait until my raise kicks in, though. I am resolved: No matter how great those little gadgets are, I will not allow one of them to lure me into credit-card debt. No thank you!
All in all, a solid column with many spelling mistakes and misidentifications!
What was the best horoscope?
The horoscopes include nods to Johnny Carson’s death and William Safire’s retirement from the New York Times, but my favorite is Scorpio:
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
It's said that if you die spectacularly and alone, you're a hero, but if you take others with you, you're a goat. Still, the human cannonball you'll soon meet for .00046 seconds will be the toast of the town.
Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.
What holds up best?
“Parents' Values Skip A Generation” can mean whatever you want it to mean, making it relevant as a starting point for a longer joke.
But as far as what holds up best in 2025, probably something like “Dress-Up Doll Born To Area Couple” or “180 Trillion Leisure Hours Lost To Work Last Year.”
What holds up worst?
There are a lot of dated references, but many are still interesting, like Google’s 2005 plans, the Prius column or the cell phone misadventure.
“Tourism In The Tsunami's Wake” is probably the least interesting of those items.
What would be done differently today?
I don’t expect The Onion to mock infectious-disease alarmists anytime soon, with the political landscape being just one reason. From 2005 onward, The Onion has generally been more serious/somber with bird flu coverage.
There was also this COVID crossover on Feb. 24, 2020: “Desperate CDC Director Walks Down Hall Of Imprisoned Diseases For One-On-One Talk With Avian Flu About Stopping Coronavirus.”
Thank you
Grateful to have you here. Please continue to like, comment and share the newsletter so the algorithm remembers me!
Next week, Osama Bin Laden offers Valentine’s Day wishes, The Onion covers the Super Bowl, cell phones get banned from planes, and much, much more. See you then!
I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.
Specifically, sometime after July 3, 2007, but before July 9, 2007.
As a full-time freelancer, yes, I have more flexibility than most. But there’s also a lot of “hurry up and wait”!
Later in 2005, bird flu received even more attention from The New Yorker, Foreign Affairs and President George W. Bush, among others.
The Onion referenced “Dukes of Hazzard” numerous times in the 2000s.
Arguably, Tesla supplanted the Prius as the status symbol for this (mostly) liberal crowd during the 2010s and until the past couple of years.
Google really should have called the Googleplex the Headquartoogles instead. I've often wished I had Google Apartment, but smart homes and devices always seem to be more trouble than they're worth!