20 years ago, The Onion mocked Alicia Silverstone

We've got jokes about Bush's 2004 campaign, coin flips, ruined concerts, Donald Rumsfeld and the Atkins diet. Plus, a new column from Herbert Kornfeld!

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Jan. 28, 2004.

This week, The Onion covers the 2004 presidential campaign, goes after Alicia Silverstone and offers a rare sympathetic portrayal of a Catholic priest. Plus, the front-page headlines are all winners.

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What issue is this?

This was Vol. 40, Issue 04, the 177th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.

The front-page headlines “Coin Flip Disputed”¹ and “Gun Owner Ready For Them” are no longer online.

The coin flip headline is an all-time favorite of at least 1 Quora poster and Bob Boze Bell.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Bush says he will "put an end to the current lack of honesty and compassion in Washington."

“Bush 2004 Campaign Pledges To Restore Honor And Dignity To White House” makes fun of President George W. Bush’s 2000 campaign pledge to restore “honor and dignity” to the White House.

It’s easy to forget how big this phrase was for Bush. He even used it as backhanded praise for Al Gore in August 2000. Here, The Onion imagines Bush still using the phrase while pretending like some other guy is the president:

Bush said the soaring national debt and the lengthy war in Iraq have shaken Americans' faith in the highest levels of government.

"A credibility gap has opened between the Oval Office and America," Bush said. "The public hears talk, but they don't see any result. But if you choose me as your next president, the promises I make in my inaugural address will actually mean something. The president of this country will be held accountable for his promises, starting Jan. 20 of next year."

The Onion plays along, describing Vice President Dick Cheney as someone who “has served as a Wyoming congressman and U.S. vice-president” and giving him this noble-sounding quote:

"In years past, American citizens looked to the president as a paragon of decency, a beacon in the storm," Cheney said. "When did America lose her way?"

The Onion also featured “Rumsfeld Only One Who Can Change Toner In White House Printer.”² I love the Onion’s silly versions of Donald Rumsfeld and John Ashcroft. I understand why people want harsher commentary on them. But I think there’s room for The Onion’s approach, which is to put them in ridiculous situations that undermine their self-serious images.

Poor Alicia Silverstone

Alicia Silverstone

“Actress Opens Poorly Conceived Animal Shelter” has always been a favorite of mine. But I wondered why The Onion went after Alicia Silverstone so hard.

My best guess is that Silverstone is an easy target in 2004 as an ardent vegan, animal-rights activist and PETA supporter. This is arguably the era when PETA was most prominent and most mocked. Just a year earlier, a New Yorker profile had called PETA “the most successful radical group in America.”

At least some of The Onion’s digs are based on Silverstone’s real-life statements. She feeds her dogs a vegan diet that makes them less aggressive, according to a 2000 profile. The Onion portrays this less positively:

"When the doggies first arrived, they were always running around, jumping, and chasing each other," she said. "But after their fruit fast, they calmed right down. Now, they're so sweet and quiet. I'm sure I'll have no trouble finding homes for them."

Did she actually have an animal sanctuary with 90+ animals intermingling without cages or other separation? I doubt it, although she had 11 dogs and miscellaneous rodents around this time.³

StoneHaven, the animal shelter Alicia Silverstone (above) opened in November.

Anyways, The Onion is merciless, portraying Silverstone as naive and oblivious:

A longtime lover of furry and feathered companions and an ardent believer in animal rights, Silverstone gladly gives tours of her animal sanctuary, which holds a diverse menagerie of more than 90 creatures.

"I've been in city-run shelters, and they're so depressing," said Silverstone, stroking a rabbit stricken with an advanced case of pinkeye. "Here, the animals have all they can eat and a cozy place to sleep, in a big home with no cages. And there is absolutely no way I would ever murder an animal because I couldn't find a home for it."

Two of StoneHaven's needy pets share a "super comfy" habitat Silverstone designed herself.

The above picture is a delightful example of early Photoshop.

Silverstone is undeterred, even looking to expand her corral to include less-cute animals:

"See Myrlie over there?" asked Silverstone, as she pointed to a Komodo dragon sunning itself in a corner of the backyard. "In a zoo, she'd be locked in a pen all day. But here, she can roam free, eat all the grass she wants, and play with Pepper, the pot-bellied pig. Zoos and city shelters simply don't give animals this kind of friendly environment."

This is very well-written, but it’s vicious. It’s not like PETA or veganism are universally beloved nowadays, but I don’t think society cares as much about either.

The other Hollywood story in the Jan. 28, 2004, issue is “Can Celebrities Get A Fair Trial?” where The Onion asks people on the street about jury selection for the Martha Stewart trial.

My favorite is this random attack on Kelsey Grammer, who’s had an … adventurous life but has not done this:

"Oh, great. If I somehow manage to avoid 20 years of Cheers and Frasier, my reward is a jury seat at Kelsey Grammer's child-murder trial?"

Timothy Bates • Systems Analyst

Area People doing Area Things

“Study: Most Self-Abuse Goes Unreported” is a classic Onion template: Investigative reporting on a significant American cultural trend — except, of course, it’s all nonsense.

This article reads much like real-life articles about physical or sexual abuse. Somehow, The Onion finds a comical angle in this tragedy. This passage includes the refrain of “We all know someone who’s experienced this”:

The study's results, obtained through five years of surveys and interviews, indicate that millions of Americans have publicly acknowledged involvement in a self-abusive relationship. Yet the study finds that unreported abuse victims comprise an alarming 87 percent of the female population and 99.6 percent of males.

"In many cases, the self-abuse occurs repeatedly over the course of a lifetime, with the victims believing themselves powerless to break the cycle of shame, embarrassment, and self-loving," Cracklin said. "The sad reality is that, if you know a man or woman between the ages of 12 and 80, you know a self-abuse victim."

14-year-old Eric Jarrell, who reported he was self-abused four times the day this photo was taken.

These victims are often lonely and without friends, reports study director Dr. Henry Cracklin. The Onion also talks to a Catholic nun running St. Mary’s Self-Abuse Shelter:

"As far as I'm aware, we're one of the few institutions specifically designed to handle the fallout from these attacks," Hattchett said. "Incredible as it may seem, those who are brave enough to report the self-abuse often find that their claims are not taken seriously. Some victims are even laughed at."

The nuns tried a 900 number staffed by “non-threatening, soft-voiced women,” but somehow this hasn’t worked.

“Concert Ruined By Guy Enjoying Himself” makes me laugh as someone who enjoys live shows but is not demonstrative.

35-year-old Daryl Froemer is excited about the band — jumping up and down through every song, yelling at the singer and pounding on the stage.

This annoys younger attendee Brian Grant:

"He kept turning to me to say, 'Isn't this great?'" Grant said. "How many times can you ask someone, 'Isn't this great?' and not get an answer before you realize he doesn't care to give you his opinion?"

He added: "Oh, yeah. And he kept yelling 'Rock 'n' roll!' in my face. And once he screamed 'Stooges!' I had no idea at all why he did that."

This is a simple article, but I enjoyed it thoroughly. Even more so because The Onion sprinkles in many real-life names and places. For example:

• The concert is at the real-life Chicago venue Empty Bottle owned by Brian Finkleman. He is quoted in the article as “manager.”

• The Brooklyn-based band Oneida⁴ still exists, as does OK Go, stylized as OKGO in the article.

• I listened to the Oneida song “Sheets of Easter.” It really is 14 minutes and 13 seconds of basically the same couple of (loud) notes, as Froemer notes:

"It's too bad someone got mad," Froemer said. "But when the band started playing 'Sheets Of Easter,' I went nuts. It's 15 minutes, two notes, and it runs over you like a monster truck. I mean, shit—that band is seriously fucking awesome!"

The front page had 2 photos with headlines:

I never noticed that “Child's Last Steps Captured On Video” is stylized like footage from an old camcorder. I also love the dog standing with the family.

“Woman With Amazing Rack Told She Has Beautiful Eyes” is quite a headline. I like the juxtaposition between the crude “rack” and the eloquent “beautiful.”

Other Area People items included:

• “Area Priest To Get Out Of Priesthood As Soon As Parents Die”: This priest would only be 56 today! He might still be in the priesthood!

• “Guy Just Totally Smoking Weed On Street”: This story apparently felt outlandish 20 years ago, but now it’s just normal, right? I like this detail: “Lindner added that it was broad daylight out.”

• “College Football Scout Has Eye On High-School Cheerleader”: I laughed, even though it’s an easy/cheap joke. The scout is from the University of Alabama, which might explain why they only went 6-6 in 2004.

• “4 Out Of 5 Texas Dentists Advocate The Death Penalty”: Feels plausible. I love this quote from the Texas Dental Association:

  • "Simply putting criminals in hard-to-reach places isn't enough of a deterrent. Rinsing the scum out of death row is vital for the long-term health of this state."

Were the infographics good?

“Atkins-Friendly Fast Food” reminds us that the Atkins diet was a big deal in the early 2000s. This infographic is a lengthy list of fast-food sta with more mpleseat. It’s fine! Probably resonated more 20 years ago if you were familiar with the Atkins craze.

“Why Are We Paying $4.99 For This Shit” is an amusing collection of scenarios. My favorite is “Fell for lemonade-stand bait-and-switch.”

What columnists ran?

Onion columnist Herbert Kornfeld (RIP) is one of my favorite recurring characters. Admittedly, he is bizarre. Kornfeld is kind of like Michael Scott from “The Office” if Scott were always in “Prison Mike” mode, worked in accounts receivable and had blood feuds and a baby mama.

In this installment, “Enter Tha Office,” the comptroller sends Kornfeld to collect money owed by a customer, SPJ, but he urges restraint:

“Midstate wants its money, but it wants an honest, peaceful solution to the problem. We have the law on our side, Herbert. Keep that in mind."

Kornfeld’s peace plan includes months scouting SPJ’s headquarters and “swappin' my officin' gear foe ninja black.”

Instead of entering through the building entrance: “Wit' mad stealth, I tossed up a grapplin' hook 2 a third-flo' window an' hauled my ass up.”

Kornfeld enters the office and proceeds to the office safe, where there’s plenty of cash. But suddenly, he’s confronted by 5 “blueshirts.” What’s a blueshirt? Glad you asked:

Dudes wearin' them sissy blue dress shirts, sometimes wit' black dress pants, sometimes chinos. They looks like average suckahs, readin' tha WSJ or talkin' at clients on tha phone or gettin' coffee. But tha fact they everywhere an' don't hide theyselves like ninjas do be what make 'em so menacin'. Cuz don't hardly no one know they tha deadliest office enforcement gang on tha planet. Every one be trained in four kinds a' martial arts. Minimum.

What a world Herbert Kornfeld lives in. He successfully defends himself, in part because “Foe some reason, durin' tha kung-fu fightin', opponents only come atchu one atta time.”

There’s also an explosion when one of the attackers goes flying out the window.

I love this article so much. In the end, Kornfeld gets the full payment (only $91.46!), but there’s a twist ending related to his sister’s mysterious death.

Our other columnist is an advice column, “Ask A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot,” in which people write in, but their questions are ignored.

For example, a letter-writer asks about confronting a friend who is constantly late. The response?

Six people. Alone. In a castle. Will any of them live to see the next day? This wasn't here before? How did it get here? No! Noooooooo! The Castle Of Terroropolis! It started as a dare between friends, then it turned into…something else. There's nothing to worry about. Swords fall off the wall all the time. Brock was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. You will be shocked by the horrors the victims face as they try to escape The Castle Of Terroropolis. Who's there? Answer me! Aaaaaargh! See the thrilling movie that will have you asking the question, "Could it happen to me?" The Castle Of Terroropolis! Rated GP. Now playing.

This concept is very stupid, but I love whoever thought of the 1960s horror theme.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Virgo, probably because I’m reading Jessica Mitford’s “The American Way of Death Revisited.”

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Luckily, the trend of closed-casket funerals has allowed you to take certain aesthetic shortcuts in your work.

What holds up best?

So many choices this week! I like “Concert Ruined By Guy Enjoying Himself,” although all 4 of the one-sentence jokes on the front page still feel relevant.

What holds up worst?

“Guy Just Totally Smoking Weed On Street” isn’t inherently bad, but it does illustrate a big shift in societal behavior and norms.

What would be done differently today?

There would certainly be more politics. Also, The Onion’s front page at one point this week had 4 different “[Blank] explain why [blank]” article constructs.

It’s hard to blame the staff for this approach when they’re asked to produce lots of content quickly. Plus, The Onion’s current ownership is losing money, alienating the staff and not even maintaining the archives (deleting all images from the website for several months in 2022).

Now, it’s desperately trying to sell The Onion. This is not good news.

Thank you

Thank you for being here! Please share this newsletter with anyone you think might enjoy it. We’ll see you next week when the Democrats lose the Democratic primary, a man procrastinates successfully, and we revisit old-school drugs like Ephedra and Quaalude.

1. A possible inspiration for this headline is the NFL’s infamous Thanksgiving coin flip controversy in 1998.

2. I worked ~15 hours a week in the communications department during college, where I was tasked with printing materials for professors and helping them use technology. I got really good at solving printer problems. But I haven’t changed printer toner since.

3. I found a horoscope-focused article from 2011 that suggests Silverstone had an animal sanctuary. But a closer read suggests this article’s source was The Onion — even reusing the “StoneHaven” name.

4. Oneida played Empty Bottle as recently as August 2023!