20 years ago, The Onion exonerated the A-Team
John Kerry unveils his presidential platform, and Viagra becomes a fun drug! Plus, Al-Qaeda, Rage Against the Machine, text messaging etiquette and much more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Aug. 11, 2004.
This week, The Onion examines Sen. John Kerry’s presidential platform, reminds us of “The A-Team” and brings us a new Jim Anchower column. Let’s get into it!
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 32, the 204th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today. The front page photo above is from the 2005 book “Embedded in America,”1 showcasing The Onion’s print work from late 2003 to late 2004.
The headlines “Half Of Sexual Tension Broken By Blow Job” and “Government Watchdog Rolls Over” are no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I don’t remember how I felt about “Kerry Unveils One-Point Plan For Better America” in 2004. I’m guessing I found it mildly funny and moved on. In 2024, however, I love how this article foreshadows Sen. Mitch McConnell saying his top goal was making Barack Obama a one-term president.
What was The Onion trying to accomplish in 2004? Kerry’s giving a classic stump speech, but instead of policy outcomes or noble goals, he makes but one promise: to kick President George W. Bush out of the White Hosue:
"If I am elected in November, no inner-city child will have to live in an America where George Bush is president," Kerry said, addressing a packed Maize High School auditorium. "No senior citizen will lie awake at night, worrying about whether George Bush is still the chief executive of this country. And no American—regardless of gender, regardless of class, regardless of race—will be represented by George Bush in the world community."
…
My national-defense policy will be guided by one imperative: Don't be George Bush. As will my plans to create a strong economy, protect civil rights, develop a better healthcare system, and improve homeland security."
Vice presidential nominee Sen. John Edwards is also part of this “Solution For America” tour. He has an addendum to Kerry’s platform:
"Let's not forget one important point," Edwards said. "We need to set a new standard of environmental excellence for America by renewing our nation's promise of clean air, clean water, and a bountiful landscape for all. In the 21st century, we can have progress without pollution—as long as we have a Dick Cheney-free White House."
I like the photo at the top — the image of Bush covered by the red “prohibited” logo is both silly and plausible.
Ultimately, I view this article as needling Kerry for overfocusing on Bush instead of sharing his policy ideas. I don’t think The Onion is arguing that Kerry and Bush have identical views, although that “uniparty” sentiment certainly drove the 3rd-party candidacies of Ross Perot (1992 and 1996) and Ralph Nader (2000 and 2004).
One goal of this newsletter is to give context to The Onion’s choices. “U.S. Military Clears A-Team Of Charges” is a great example. This was a hugely popular show, both in the ratings and in pop culture. But for younger readers 40 years later, you might be like, “Who cares?” Fair enough!
Consider the timing: The A-Team” was about 20 years old in 2004 — just old enough to have the fanbase calling for a revival. What’s the 2024 equivalent? I’m not sure, but it’s not far-fetched to imagine similar nostalgia for shows like “Lost,” “House,” “Veronica Mars,” “Desperate Housewives” or “Entourage.”2
Mr. T also experienced a minor comeback in the early 2000s, including appearances in a Diddy/Busta Rhymes music video and Conan O’Brien sketches.
This article reimagines “The A-Team” as a real-life group, finally exonerated by the U.S. government after decades on the run. The A-Team is grateful, but they have an elaborate backup plan should the government betray them again. This plan includes “stacks of cardboard boxes” to break falls.
Mr. T’s character knows what he’s doing next:
"For the last 30 years I've been a soldier of fortune," Baracus said. "Now, I'm going to take the money and do something for the kids. I'm gonna start a gym. A gym for the kids. For a long time, that's been my dream. But I couldn't open one with [Gen. Hunt] Stockwell on our tail. He'd use a tank to send shells through the side of it."
Added Baracus: "I pity the fool that tries to blow up my gymnasium now!
This is wonderful fan service by The Onion. Countless tropes and character traits are acknowledged, along with secondary characters like reporter Amy Allen and Frankie "Dishpan" Santana.
The Onion even works in the 1994 death of actor George Peppard, who played Col. John "Hannibal" Smith:
Murdock and the surviving members of the team—the classically handsome Lt. Templeton Arthur "Face" Peck and the Mohawk-sporting mechanic, Sgt. Bosco "B.A." Baracus—said their joy over the announcement was tempered only by regret that their de-facto leader, Col. John "Hannibal" Smith, was not alive to see their names cleared.
…
Smith was gunned down in front of a Las Vegas casino in 1994.
RIP Smith. I’ve never watched “The A-Team” and don’t plan to, but I still got a lot of joy from this story.
More military and political news
“The Call For A National Intel Chief” reflects Bush seeking a director of national intelligence (DNI). This role was enacted into law later in 2004 and became a Cabinet-level position this decade.
Anyway, here are some jokes about what the DNI would do. My two favorites are:
“Appearing at fairs and festivals throughout the rural Midwest all summer”
“Must be able to fit in cake and burst out of cake holding gun during party attended by high-ranking terrorists.”3
Also in this issue is “Al-Qaeda Chatter Deteriorates Into Gossip.” The headline is funnier than the article, but I love the premise.
Area People doing Area Things
I feel very unqualified to discuss “Area Seventh-Grader Now A Woman” other than to say this headline immediately grabs your attention.
The premise is twofold: A scientific explanation of Sally Erhardt’s changing body and this development being treated like she won the World Series:
Throughout the day, Erhardt was overwhelmed by congratulations, warm wishes, and unsolicited presentations of hygiene products. She also received special attention from the home-economics teacher, Stacy Sidran.
"This is a very special day for you," Sidran said, after having pulled Erhardt out of art class in front of more than 40 curious students. "You'll soon learn that your life has changed. People will treat you differently now that you're a woman. There will be new expectations, and new challenges."
"Do you use an anti-perspirant deodorant?" Sidran asked, after having hugged the confused and slightly frightened woman.
Erhardt’s father, Mark, is very uncomfortable talking to The Onion’s reporter. And, understandably, she does not want to be interviewed:
"Please go away," the tearful 12-year-old woman told reporters through her closed bedroom door. "Everyone's been staring at me all day. Would everybody please just leave me alone? God!"
The Onion was firing on all cylinders in 2004. This story and the “A-Team” article are brilliantly conceived and executed, yet barely remembered now. That’s a testament to how many great jokes The Onion wrote week in and week out.4
“Bargoer Starts To Hit Stride After Hitting On Fifth Girl” is interesting to revisit for a few reasons. One, bar culture is probably in decline because of changing attitudes toward drinking, high rents and the pandemic’s lasting effects. Two, this article feels like a Tucker Max/frat guy period piece, with lawyer Brad Framik calling himself a “player” and saying things like this:
Although he doesn't go out much during the week, Framik said he likes to "hit the clubs" every Friday and Saturday, usually with a group of five or more male friends also hoping to meet women.
"Then, on Sundays, we go golfing and compare our pussy-hunt scores," Framik said. "It's important to have fun and blow off steam on the weekend when you have such a demanding, high-paying job. It's a stress reliever, like yoga."
“Like yoga”! What a comparison.
Framik admits to making mistakes this night at a Jacksonville, Fla., club, including being too aggressive with the “chicks” and needing to warm up “the love muscle.”
Unsurprisingly, the only woman The Onion talked to had a different opinion:
While Framik described himself as a "master of the elusive female mind," a female coworker disagreed.
"Brad and his friends are always talking about how chicks dig this and chicks dig that," said Paula Mannheim, a fellow lawyer. "Listening to them talk, you'd think they've never had a conversation with an actual woman in their entire lives."
This is an easy parody — even guys who are like Framik can laugh at him. But The Onion does it well.
Other Area People items in this issue include:
“Text Message A Bit Curt”: Somehow, this joke is timeless, especially in the era of people agonizing over text punctuation.
“Yo-Yo Ma Injured During Practice”: He is an athlete of sorts! In 2013, Yo-Yo Ma talked with the New York Times about avoiding injury, among other topics.
“Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Tree House”: Absolutely brilliant. An 8-year-old says stuff like, “Also, the structural integrity of the clubhouse, wedged as it is into Old Man Kessler's oak tree, is compromised by the hastily added lookout post."
“Man Miscast In Role of Father”: The ex-girlfriend and mother “will begin re-casting the father role at Scooter's Pub on Thursday at 8 p.m.,” which seems like compounding the initial mistake.
“Black Guy Doesn't Talk About All The Times He Didn't Get Discriminated Against”: Oh boy. The last line is like an ad for Uber: “the taxi he took away from the real-estate agency was only the second one that he'd attempted to hail.”
“Employee's Loyalty Garners CEO's Contempt”: The article notes that the employee will be laid off in June 2005.
“Recreational Viagra Use”: The Onion asks people about men using the drug even when they aren’t impotent. My favorite response is this one, just because I want to remind y’all of this absolutely insane 1998 commercial with Dole:
"This is what happens when the increasingly conservative young people go emulating Bob Dole."
Rhonda Hansen • Photographer
Were the infographics good?
“What Are We Hunting/Gathering?” is a solid premise. “Pies from windowsills” and “Nothing, officer” are easy reaches but still good.
I also like “Tubers, whatever they are,” because nowadays it sounds like an old person confused about YouTube.
What columnists ran?
“Where Are You Now, When We Need You Most, Rage Against The Machine?” occurs during Rage Against the Machine’s 1st breakup. Our columnist apparently believes RATM could sway the 2004 election by making new music:
Seriously, we need a healthy dose of your cuttin', or Bush will win. It's Vietnow, man, and just like you said before, America's getting its news-trients from the likes of Benito Hannity and Adolf Limbaugh. We need a musical antidote to the poison. This nation needs another bomb track to ignite it! We are lost, Rage Against The Machine. Where have you gone? The voice of the voiceless is silent.
I’m the wrong person to review this, probably, as I’m skeptical of music as an effective tool of change.5 But I can appreciate this both as a parody of the fan base and a paean to Rage as artists and activists.
Our columnist is incredibly knowledgeable about Rage’s catalog, working countless song titles into his plea. He is convinced that only Rage’s music can save the day, rather than alternatives like Audioslave, Limp Bizkit or Slipknot.
20 years later, let me apologize to Slipknot on everyone’s behalf for being compared to Limp Bizkit!
Our other column is “Things Are Starting To Turn Around” featuring Jim Anchower. As usual, Jim has a new job, this time at the carbonics plant with his buddy Ron — which he promptly quit after learning Ron was his boss.
I’m concerned about everyone’s safety in his new line of work:
I've got a new job as a roofer. I've never worked construction before, except for that time I mixed cement, but I'm no stranger to a hammer. That TV table I have? I built that myself out of plywood I snagged from a Dumpster when they were building that house next door. It even has a shelf for my GameCube. Right now it sags in the middle, but that'll stop once it settles.
Things are actually going well! He’s getting overtime, heard an entire block of REO Speedwagon on the radio, found a $20 bill in a parking lot and got a free pizza after they mistakenly added mushrooms. Even better? He’s getting paid for not working now!
One of the guys left his tool belt on the side of the ladder, so when I was climbing up, I got tangled up and fell. I broke my legbone in two places. The doctor says I probably might want to consider another kind of work once I get healed up. Sounds fine with me. In the meantime, I'm on workman's comp, meaning I get paid for lying around the house and taking Vicodin. And it was the guy who left the belt hanging on the ladder who got chewed out by my boss. How sweet is that?
An extra treat in every Jim Anchower column is his bio, which notes that “He comments on community-affairs, automotive, and employment issues.” What a specific beat!
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Scorpio. This is a truly demented bunch of horoscopes, in the best way possible:
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
No one will believe that it looked like the Girl Scouts were going for their guns, but believe it—in an alternate universe, you've been filled with lead from the waist down.
What holds up best?
“Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Tree House” is my personal favorite for pure absurdity.
The front-page headlines are really good. You can pick between any of “Text Message A Bit Curt,” “Yo-Yo Ma Injured During Practice” or “Half Of Sexual Tension Broken By Blow Job.”
My only surprise with “Black Guy Doesn't Talk About All The Times He Didn't Get Discriminated Against” is that it wasn’t from, say, Obama’s campaign or the mid-2010s.
What holds up worst?
“Bargoer Starts To Hit Stride After Hitting On Fifth Girl” isn’t bad. But it feels trapped in this specific era of bro-dom.
What would be done differently today?
This is a fun, fun issue, but my gut says that in 2024, anything not about the election, Olympics or celebrities would probably be cut.
That said, this week’s Onion homepage did feature fun jokes like “56-Year-Old Roblox User Groomed By 68-Year-Old Roblox User” and “Theme Park Guests Trapped For Harrowing 6 Hours On Stuck Merry-Go-Round.”
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others!
Next week, we’ll revisit Kirsten Dunst, Gov. Jim McGreevey, erotic bakers, Metallica’s “Some Kind of Monster” documentary, the Summer Olympics and much more.
I may get commissions for purchases made through links in this post, including that one.
Without endorsing anything, Sen. J.D. Vance and his apparent love of “Entourage” make sense in terms of his age (40) and the show being 20 years old.
Probably a play on the “Under Siege” cake scene, but I might be forgetting others.
Someone in August 2004 compared this issue’s headlines to those from Weekly World News. What a time!
The obvious cautionary tale in 2004 would be Pearl Jam’s embrace of Nader in 2000, which probably produced the opposite of what Eddie Vedder wanted. Meanwhile, my biggest “old man yelling at the clouds” thing is Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.” If you wanted it properly interpreted, maybe don’t make it your catchiest song! I’ll stop now :)