20 years ago, The Onion looked for sexiness and Bin Laden urinal cakes
It's our last recap of the year for The Onion's 2001 print issue!
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Dec. 19, 2001.
This was The Onion’s last issue of 2001 and its last issue until Jan. 16, 2002. We’ll take a couple of weeks off, too, although I’ll have a recap/preview on Jan. 9, 2022.
Appreciate y’all sticking with me the past couple of years. Today’s issue is late because I worked a full week and moved, and also didn’t have Wi-Fi for about 36 hours. But I’m moved, back online and finally got some sleep.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 37, Issue 46, the 86th Onion issue of the 2000s and the 85th issue of new content. There is no archived version of the 2001 website, but here is 2011 and today.
A few stories are online but not on today’s Issue 46 page for some reason.
Also, The Onion recently deleted most of its images and infographics due to a bizarre management decision. Some of this week’s images are very hard to find, and so you’re getting an exclusive!
On the front page, these headlines are no longer online or don’t have the photos. You can see the two photos somewhat in the above cover image:
“Dept. Of Transportation Discontinues 'Bridge Out 8 Feet Ahead' Sign”
“Mother Still Yammering Away Under Her Tombstone”
“Chicken Bones, Beer Cans Bob In The Froth Of John Goodman's Hot Tub”
The Transportation headline has long been a favorite of mine. It’s very likely I used that headline as an AIM away message during college.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
The Onion started the year 2000 as a rising star of satire, based in the Midwest and mostly commenting on national affairs with the wacky adventures of Bill Clinton. By year’s end, The Onion had imagined all-out anarchy in the wake of the 2000 election.
2001 began with The Onion staff moving to New York City, trying to figure out George W. Bush as a comic character, but 2001 ends with The Onion chronicling the real-life post-9/11 society (as well as still doing lots of Area Man stories).
This year’s final issue lives in quite a different world than Dec. 20, 2000, in which a leading story was a spoof on the NRA about machetes. Madonna’s wedding was also a big deal.
What remains throughout, including Dec. 19, 2001, is The Onion’s irrepressible ability to mock current events in ways that connect with all kinds of readers. “What Is Sexy In The Wake Of Sept. 11?” simultaneously makes fun of the culture, of us as consumers of the culture and of the media for always making it about them.
The idea of “what’s sexy?” is existential in mocking the post-9/11 “irony is dead” crowd, and it’s also practical in making fun of journalists (including from People, Vogue and the Boston Globe) trying to find easy content to publish during the holidays.
What do I mean by this? I worked a few years in newspapers, and while you always have reporters ready for breaking news during the holidays, there’s also a desire to get people some vacation time. So you prepare “year in review” pieces, light holiday-themed profiles — anything that can be written ahead of time and published at a future date.
I also wonder whether this story emerges from The Onion staffers spending a year in New York and getting more exposure to (other) journalists. That’s just a guess on my part.
Anyways, the question of sexiness is much discussed. Vogue’s Carrie Bettig informs us that gorgeous women are popular after 9/11. And People reporter Erin Weiss tries to make President George W. Bush into a clarion call of sexiness. Yes, I know:
"On Sept. 11, we lost our innocence," Weiss said. "We're now more mature, more aware. As President Bush said, 'We know what we want, and we know how to get it.' Now, that's sexy."
I’m glad The Onion pretended that sexiness was somehow out of vogue in 2000, only to be reestablished thanks to 9/11.
Meanwhile, the media comes in for mockery, as Boston Globe editor initially scoffs at the idea of 9/11 and sexiness, only to reveal that he has a personal interest in the matter:
"The world is a totally different place now," Storin continued. "This year, instead of the usual Christmas-season stories about holiday displays and shopping, we're doing pieces about how stores are using patriotism in their holiday displays and how people don't feel like shopping."
"Will we ever write those innocent old stories again? That's the question we'll try to answer this Sunday, in a Globe feature piece addressing Sept. 11's effect on holiday-season journalism."
I think the premise of this story is funny for anyone, but I enjoy it to an extra degree because of the newsroom angle.
9/11 and the War on Terror
“Entrepreneur Stuck With 40,000 Unsold Bin Laden Urinal Cakes” always made me laugh at the idea of getting rich by inviting Americans to pee on Bin Laden. I love this sort of story because the details are out of date, but the human motivations still resonate.
Also, The Onion ran 3 images with this story, all of which you can see at the Internet Archive. But I mostly want to point out this photo. My God:
Whenever I’ve read this story, I’ve always wondered whether someone really made this type of product. Seems like easy money, right?
Turns out, entrepreneur Gabe Kloster’s first problem was that his Osama Bin Laden urinal cakes are too popular. Drunk guys are stealing them, reports one bar owner!
But like any classic story of supply and demand, Kloster overestimates his leverage, orders too many and charges too much (4 times the going rate!). There are also complaints about the overpowering cherry scent.
Kloster, like any resilient entrepreneur, has new ideas hatching:
"I got a really sweet deal on these framed posters of an American eagle crying in front of the Stars and Stripes... 25 cents each from this distributor in Ohio who needed to unload them fast," Kloster said. "I think I'll combine the Osama cakes with the posters as sort of a commemorative 'God Bless America' war-souvenir package."
Other 9/11-related coverage:
“National Board Of Steve Jaskoviak Requests $10 Billion Bailout” is a riff on the real-life bailout that Congress gave airlines, which seems wild in retrospect and received criticism at the time. Jaskoviak says his bailout “will not only will cover my $5,612 Visa debt, but numerous administrative costs, as well."
“Bush And The ABM Treaty” wouldn’t necessarily be 9/11-related if not for the late 2001 fear about rogue actors having nukes. And the US did withdraw from this Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty in June 2002. The Onion is not shy at mocking the difference between ballistic missiles and dirty bombs. Here’s one example:
"This is a wise move on Bush's part, considering the fact that terrorists possess elaborate launching systems capable of firing nuclear missiles into space."
Larry Edwards • Systems Analyst
Area People doing Area Things
“Emotionally Distant Family Spends Holidays Watching Touching Family Dramas Together” is a lovely satire on the sometimes-forced familial interactions around the holidays.
Yes, it’s 2001, so we have VCRs and rentals from Blockbuster and a character calling “The Santa Clause” “gay” for no reason, but the heart of this story still resonates in 2021. I also enjoy reading this as someone who has a tiny family and, many years, isn’t even able to visit on the actual holiday because of work or some other commitment.
The family has lots to say about each other, but they passive-aggressively complain to The Onion’s reporter instead of each other. For instance, college student Kevin is thinking about his family’s fate in “It’s A Wonderful Life”:
"That movie always makes me think about how if dad's hardware store lost $8,000 like George Bailey's bank did, it'd totally tear us apart," Kevin said. "He'd probably blame us and drag us all down with him. Good thing he isn't trusted with much money at his job."
Meanwhile, patriarch Peter wonders his kids hate him, but he is comforted by brandy and falls asleep early into “Miracle on 34th Street” (the 1994 colorized remake, not the black-and-white original).
Finally, matriarch Nicole is lying to herself and the reporter as any stereotypical beleaguered mother should:
"It's good to see all the kids together under one roof. It reminds me of when they would all watch cartoons together growing up," said Nicole, wiping a tear from her eye. "I love the holidays."
“Partygoers Mocked By Catering Staff” feels like the TV show “Party Down” in print, except that “Party Down” didn’t air until 2009.
We get a running commentary of guest mockery and actual catering duties, as seen here:
"Matt, you have got to see the sow in the powder-blue chiffon jumpsuit," said Feather & Fennel server Christine Salerno, 23, whispering to coworker Matt Blaine. "She looks like Brian Dennehy in drag, only less feminine."
Blaine then rushed a tray of miniature quiches into the living room to get an eyeful of the unattractive guest.
This article is worth reading for the many, many insults. They are mean, but you can’t expect these overworked and underpaid staff to be nice, either. I also love the name Feather & Fennel for the catering business.
As I’ve written a lot lately, The Onion liked to end these character studies with a quote from a learned expert. In this case, anthropologist Dr. Henry Janssen explains how servers in Ancient Greece also mocked their guests. He concludes with:
“As long as there are people who stuff their faces with mini-meatballs while wearing bad ties, there will be servers there to make fun of them."
Other Area People news included:
“Boyfriend Ceremoniously Dumped” would have been great even as a headline, but The Onion turns it into a funny short story, with Vicki Arness breaking up with Chris Schiffman at a citywide event complete with a marching band and giant ceremonial scissors.
“Parent Mad 6-Year-Old Didn't Like Peanuts Special”: Another of my all-time favorites! This issue is sneaky that way. Father of the Year Bruce Pillard says to his daughter at one point, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Area Woman Not Yelling At You, She's Just Saying” definitely is not limited to women, as we’ve probably all been part of this conversation in one way or the other.
“Art Major To Stop Capitalizing Name”: I wish The Onion put this headline in lowercase to further make the point. Furthermore, Michael Wechsler is considering going by “mychal.” There’s nothing wrong with any of this, but it still instinctively annoyed me.
“Report: U.S. Must Reduce Dependence On Foreign Turmoil” is a generic foreign policy story that substitutes people’s media habits for oil consumption — and has an extra Onion touch in having a D.C. think tank (the Cato Institute) write a formal report. “The American people consume as many as 60 million barrels of crude speculation every day, using it for everything from driving discussions to heating up political debates," Cato says.
Were the infographics good?
“Hot Holiday Toys” is mostly wholesome despite the suggestive name, and it has a lot of easy writer’s room jokes, some of which land (“Super Mighty Mecha-Dreidel With Gelt-Launching Action” was well-received in my immediate circle.
Also, note the “Henry Porter” rip-off toy.
I really liked the “Jabberjuice” joke and the XBox virtual dishwasher (maybe that’s our metaverse future!), although I think the “I’m a Li’l Slut” and “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em” jokes are not bad, but they are easy, almost lazy jokes.
“How Are We Maintaining Our Dignity?” is silly but made me laugh. I did not read “Refusing sex initially” as ending in a potentially criminal outcome the first few times, and I don’t think The Onion did! But that phrasing definitely has more interpretations in 2021.
I also am puzzled but intrigued by the image of this lawn-care guy in a tuxedo.
What columnists ran?
No regular columnists in this final issue of 2001, but damn I was excited to see what was behind the headline “Wow, Check Out That Motorcycle Revving!”
Our columnist is awakened at 2 a.m. by a motorcycle revving and then cannot sleep as contemplates what makes a revving hog so enticing. One answer is the combination of power, noise and excitement. Look at this lofty list of foes the motorcycle has topped:
Yelling out of cars, turning your speakers out the window to blast your music onto the street, setting off M-80 firecrackers, firing automatic weapons into the air—these are all well and good. But none of them create a merry atmosphere of insouciance and bonhomie quite like a revving motorcycle.
It’s ultimately about man’s display of freedom:
That is what I admire most about such motorcyclists: their courage to assert their uniqueness in the most audible, public way possible.
It is such determination to make our individuality heard that sets us apart from the animals. So hallelujah, I say, and let freedom rev.
I like this column. Simple, direct and a little ridiculous, but told in a deadly serious way. “Let freedom rev” is the only real wordplay.
The other column this week is “San Francisco Is My Favorite Market,” which is basically a world traveler talking about their favorite cities, except our author is a marketing executive and talks about cities in terms of demographic targeting.
The author starts by naming several San Fran attractions, and you think, oh, it’s a tour guide! But then we start hearing about “there’s no such thing as a median San Franciscan” and anecdotes like this:
“While we're talking neighborhoods, let's not forget Nob Hill. Last time I was in San Francisco, I met a lovely 35- to 44-year-old woman with a household income of $100K to $149,999 while strolling the Nob Hill area.”
The story goes from there, closing with this inspirational message:
I've been there probably a dozen times in my life, and I still love everything about it: the sights, the sounds, the white-collar professionals who make up 59 percent of its purchasing base.
Most “Hey, it’s 2001!” reference
The discussion about videotapes and Blockbuster in “Emotionally Distant Family Spends Holidays Watching Touching Family Dramas Together” reminds us how quickly everything changed from VCRs to DVDs to streaming.
What was the best horoscope?
Aries realizing even 20 years ago that Maxim was more of a fantasy publication than a reflection of real life.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will be shot by your girlfriend and shunned by society after taking relationship advice from the editors of Maxim.
What holds up best?
“What Is Sexy In The Wake Of Sept. 11?” is a great reveal of the American public’s ability to focus on wrong things (or the right things, I guess, depending on your perspective). It’s also light-hearted enough that most readers won’t come away from the article enraged.
What holds up worst?
This is a good all-around issue, funny and thoughtful in most parts. I already mentioned The Onion’s near-weekly casual use of “gay” or something similar as a derogatory phrase, which ages badly even if it did reflect real-life casual use in 2001.
Maybe it’s because I never watch “Roseanne,” but the John Goodman front-page headline has always seemed off to me, even 20 years ago (or so) when I first saw it.
What would be done differently today?
This one’s pretty simple: More stories and headlines overall, and more of them being about politics and political figures — even people who would have been considered too obscure in 2001, like press secretaries (Jen Psaki now, but also Trump’s people). Also, interestingly, the political coverage today is not just about D.C. but state and local laws (this week’s “Texas School’s Unbanned Books Down To 3 Copies Of Tom Clancy’s ‘Threat Vector’” as an example).
Thanks again for reading this pet project of mine. It’s a lot of work to research and write this, but it’s oddly fun. See you in 2022.