20 years ago, The Onion linked Kevin Bacon to al-Qaeda
We also have passive-aggressive fundraising, headache cures and updates on REO Speedwagon, Ricki Lake, Adam Sandler and Playboy.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 30, 2002.
For the 2nd straight week, The Onion’s not talking about the War on Terror, Iraq or the midterm elections. We’ve still got a lot to discuss, including all the 2002 pop culture references. Glad to have y’all here.
If you’re new here, please sign up!
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 40, the 123rd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Surprisingly, the 2002 website is not archived by Internet Archive, and the 2012 version is missing all the images. Here’s what the website looks like today.
No longer online are these 2 front-page headlines:
“Man Unwilling To Discuss Lifetime Denny's Ban”
“Mask Probably Bush” (the 2012 website has this headline as “Halloween Mask Probably Bush”)
I like these headlines because they give you a mental image and let your imagination fill in the blanks.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
There’s no big theme to this issue. And that’s OK. The Onion said, “Here’s a lot of funny jokes on a lot of topics, told in a lot of ways. Enjoy.”
The 1st of those is a gotcha joke, as we’ll discuss now.
“Kevin Bacon Linked To Al-Qaeda” sounds like it would be an amazing story. It’s at the top of the front page! And it would have been, except this is a ruse. The Onion is “previewing” this story for the inside pages, a la USA Today back in the day. But there’s no inside story!
Ironically, today’s Onion website is cropped incorrectly, so we don't even see Bacon and the al-Qaeda1 guy.
Anyways, a Kevin Bacon-al-Qaeda story would have been cool.
So what was the top story? A classic Onion “investigative” story called “U.S. Students Lead World In Detention” that parodies America’s high rate of incarceration.
The Onion cites a report by the U.N. Human Rights Commission that equates in-school detention with actual imprisonment. Whether it’s kids or adults, nobody locks people up like the U.S.
The U.N. report criticizes U.S. detention for being too focused on isolation and too class-based — although not the class you might be thinking of:
"If you are a member of the upper classes, especially a senior, you have little or nothing to fear. You can hit the teacher with a spitball in broad daylight, and you won't do time. But if you're a lower-class student, a freshman or sophomore, look out."
To be fair, The Onion isn’t entirely joking. It cites data showing how African-American students are disproportionately assigned detention and how the U.S. expels students far more than other countries.
Obviously, U.S. government leaders disagree. I love this quote from real-life Education Secretary Rod Paige:
“Since the 1950s, we've been more successful than not at halting the spread of shenanigans, tomfoolery, and clowning around. Can France or Britain say the same? I don't think so."
This story is still relevant in terms of The Onion critiquing incarceration policies. But of course, in 2022, the big fights over public schools are not about detention.
Real-life people in the news
Apparently, 20 years ago, “Playboy's Overhaul” was a big deal as the magazine tried to fend off late-1990s/early-2000s rivals like Maxim, Stuff and FHM.
20-25 years ago is a fascinating time for U.S. culture because the internet hadn’t displaced anything. It was just kind of there. Digital culture was lurking, but all the hits were analog: musical artists selling 1 million CDs in a week, the national discussion still being shaped by newspapers, news magazines, talk shows and the nightly news — even reality TV is mostly about “Survivor.”
Amid all this, Playboy feels threatened by non-nude magazines, rather than the internet.
(In some sense, Steve Jobs destroyed the entire 2002 media landscape with the iPhone, but that’s for a newsletter 5 years from now.)
I like these jokes, maybe because 50% feel like real ideas Playboy’s editors considered. And I would have loved to see them pitch Seymour Hersch.
The WB actress joke is about Jessica Biel, who was so desperate to get away from “7th Heaven” in 2000 that she posed topless for Gear magazine at 17 (she was 18 when it published). Spoiler: She was not fired and had to finish her contract.
While we’re talking about pop culture that was big in 2002, remember “Punch-Drunk Love” and Ricki Lake’s show?
“Daytime-Talk-Show Mixup Leads To 1,000-Pound-Man Makeover”: This name-checks Ricki Lake but could have been about any daytime show. For example: “The episode is believed to be daytime television's worst mix-up since Maury Povich sent a group of disfigured children to boot camp in 1999.”
“Adam Sandler Fans Disappointed By Intelligent, Nuanced Performance”: Honestly, this isn’t a joke: “Punch-Drunk Love” lost money, and “Mr. Deeds” crushed the box office. The public wanted stupid Sandler.
Finally, The Onion asked people what they thought about “North Korean Nukes,” which unfortunately seems to be relevant no matter what year it is.
We have a lot of stereotypes (eating dogs, North Korea’s lack of food, etc.), and I guess that’s mocking the average American’s knowledge of Korean culture?
There’s also the rare Onion-Simpsons crossover:
"I just pray that this does not interfere with the Koreans' important work animating The Simpsons."
Christopher Sims • Lawyer
Area People doing Area Things
The Onion had a lot of Area People stories this week. And y’all, these folks were struggling! I’m just glad they are fictional.
“Man Feels 19 Again After Not Getting Laid” is a guy in a mid-life crisis, even though he’s only 33. Jason Pinter’s last relationship ended 8 months ago, and yet he feels like a hapless teenager.
"I keep having flashbacks to my old freshman dorm," Pinter said. "The other night, I was awkwardly trying to chat up this woman at a bar and, I swear, I could almost smell that combination of stale pizza, old socks, and my roommate's Drakkar Noir."
This guy really took the breakup hard. The Onion notes that Pinter is trying to have sex without resorting to tricks or shortcuts:
Though he has ruled out hiring a prostitute or taking out a personals ad, Pinter wonders if he'll ever break his celibacy cycle.
Makes you wonder whether Pinter would be less confident or more confident in a world of dating apps.
“Dishwasher Thinks He's Mentoring Younger Dishwasher” is actually a nice story about a veteran dishwasher, Gordon Polone, who’s really good at his job and wants to help all his co-workers.
He knows everything about restaurant kitchen duty, and he tells war stories:
"One time at this place in Orlando, we were short-staffed, and I had to do all the dishes myself. Just as we were closing, this party of 15 comes in. Now, you'd think I'd be screwed, but about half an hour earlier, I'd overheard the host confirming their reservation over the phone, so I had a bit of lead time. The lesson there is, always stay on top of what's going on out front. Awareness is key."
This is really well-written, with lots of detail. I like that The Onion doesn’t make fun of this guy’s job or his abilities. They build him up and build him up, only to destroy him with the very last sentence:
Asked for comment on his experience training under Polone, Garrick said, "Whatever."
Here’s some of the many other Area People news in this issue:
“Woman Mad Boyfriend Not Jealous She Danced With Other Guy”: This is a healthy relationship.
“Visible Panty Line Discussed Like It's Cancer”: This is great, and I’m not even the right demographic for this joke. Great closing line, too: “The pair's horror deepened when they faintly made out the panties' flower print through the woman's white pants.”
“Plan 'L' Switched To”: What sets The Onion apart is having like 6 of these simple, excellent jokes week after week after week. What is Plan L? “If I wrap the air conditioner in bubble wrap and then balance it on a basketball, I can spin-roll it into the house."
“Phone-Sex Ad Masturbated To For 0 Cents A Minute”: This front-page photo is much like the Playboy and celibate man stories — The Onion is commenting on a timeless human desire, but the, um, delivery mechanism of this desire has drastically changed since 2002.
“Mudslide Kind Of Fun Until The Dying Part”: This made me laugh as much as anything in this issue. What a thought to have! I guess surfing down that hill in this car was fun until the very end?
Were the infographics good?
Besides Playboy, we had the front-page infographic “Claimed Vs. Actual Causes Of Scars,” which is a good premise. People often hide real trauma, but they brag about being a hero. Think of all the politicians, football coaches and other powerful figures who lied about military service.
I love “Downhill skiing/Stepped on Lego,” but there are no bad jokes here.
I’ve talked before about how The Onion’s front-page infographics feel very difficult to write. You don’t have room for a narrative or context — it’s basically one-liners and hope they are funny.
This week’s turns those constraints into a strength — really tight jokes, and your imagination can think about, say, the difference between “rock climbing” and “rock tumbling.”
The Onion also featured “Headache-Relief Tips,” yet another of those long list of bullet-point jokes.
I still like this joke, but it feels less playful in the opioids era than it did in 2002:
Headaches can get so bad that, in some cases, doctors prescribe morphine or methadone. A better way to look at this is that headaches can get so good that doctors prescribe morphine or methadone.
Also, for people who get headaches and migraines, you might especially enjoy this:
Headache sufferers, be advised that episodes can easily be triggered by stress, improper diet, or people constantly chiming in with their useless fucking headache advice.
What columnists ran?
So, the headline “Would You Like To Give A Dollar To Prove You Don't Hate Crippled Kids?” is probably not the language we’d use today! The point, however, is the passive-aggressiveness of that question. So much of today’s online discourse is just like this:
“Oh, X is bad? What about Y?”
“I didn’t see you mention every instance of Z in the last 100 years, so you’re obviously not serious about it.”
This guy is a manipulator, no doubt:
If you don't mind my being blunt, sir, may I ask whether you hate crippled kids? Wonderful, I'm so glad I was right about you. Now, would you be willing to donate a dollar to our organization to prove that you don't?
This guy does talk about the Tersbury Group’s programs for children, including facilities, trips and medical support. But it’s mostly manipulation, especially when he finds out the other person is waiting to meet his date:
If you'd like to wait until your date arrives to make your donation, I would understand. Not everyone likes to selflessly donate money to children who can barely walk or breathe under their own power without getting credit.
On a more pleasant note, regular columnist Jim Anchower is back with “I Gotta Drop A Few Pounds.” Once again, Anchower has quit a job, and he’s out about $300 because of a traffic ticket and an REO Speedwagon concert. Anchower has a strict routine for REO Speedwagon shows:
I always listen to Hi Infidelity in the car on the way. I get there a half-hour early so I can burn one and chug a beer. But most important, I always wear my special pair of REO Speedwagon jeans. Once, in 10th-grade study hall, I wrote REO on the left ass pocket in red pen, and ever since, I've never seen Kevin and the boys without them.
Wow.
Anyways, Anchower is not someone who has body-image problems or cares what other people think. But he couldn’t fit into his REO jeans this time, which is a crisis. Too much Game Cube playing and not enough exercise.
Anchower decides it’s time to get a job that involves manual labor — but he won’t wash cars. “Not with winter coming up. That shit's for the birds.”
I love Anchower’s chill and his love for REO Speedwagon, who are still touring in 2022!
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope is Cancer, which is 50% “M*A*S*H*” joke, 50% Iraq war prediction:
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Change is ahead, but don't worry: A year from now you won't be able to remember a life outside of Army desert field hospital #740.
What holds up best?
I’m going to go with a different horoscope:
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You have no empathy or compassion, and are mystified by motivations other than raw personal ambition. Enjoy Harvard Business School.
Amazing.
What holds up worst?
I’m still bummed by the Kevin Bacon headline not having a story. I mean, great job by The Onion pranking all of us! But that could have been an incredible story — an intricate web of silly details, maybe an illustration of Kevin’s network and a quote from Osama Bin Laden. The possibilities were endless.
What would be done differently today?
It’s hard to imagine The Onion ignoring the 2022 midterms, much less President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump. Also, there was nothing about Halloween in this issue.
A lot of the topics don’t hold up today (Playboy, Ricki Lake, etc.), but the jokes themselves were pretty good. So it’s just a matter of what 2022 pop culture references would be substituted.
For the record, The Onion’s homepage on Oct. 30, 2002, includes topical references to Kanye, Mark Zuckerberg, the food-throwing activists and … JonBenet Ramsey.
Thank you
Grateful for all y’all. Next week, we have a story about Ronald Reagan and an op-ed piece from a lobster who’s plotting revenge.
The spelling “al-Qaida” is more commonly used today, but I’m just going with what The Onion wrote in 2002.