20 years ago, The Onion reviewed Jude Law's reign as Sexiest Man Alive

Let's revisit jokes about "Minnesota nice," drinking responsibly, Dave Eggers, Chris Rock hosting the Oscars and supporting the troops.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Feb. 23, 2005.

I’m thrilled to revisit People magazine’s decision to name Jude Law as the Sexiest Man Alive despite being fresh off a divorce and making the non-hits “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow” and “Alfie.”

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 08, the 230th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2005, 2015 and today. Later in 2015, The Onion deprecated this archive, as you can see from this September 2015 version of the link.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.¹

The front-page headlines “Gender Guessed Correctly On Second Try” and “Opportunist Knocks” are strong jokes, yet no longer online.²

What was the top story, and other impressions?

I don’t understand Jude Law’s appeal. Maybe I haven’t seen the right movies, like “Cold Mountain” or the “Sherlock” films. All I know is that he didn’t elevate “Road to Perdition” or “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow,” and he’s probably the 3rd-best actor in “Enemy at the Gates,” “The Aviator” and “Closer.”³

Regardless, “Jude Law's First 100 Days As People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive” is one of my favorite Onion concepts. Yes, “Sexiest Man Alive” is stupid, but what better way to parody it than to treat it like the U.S. presidency:

“Johnny [Depp] was sexy,” entertainment writer Cami Stoeffer said. “That said, many People readers were disappointed by his administration. They felt the energy he expended overseas was in excess. Some took all that jet-setting as an indication that Johnny didn’t care about making America a sexier place.”

In contrast to Depp, Law introduced a “sexy by example” style of leadership, aggressively undertaking a highly publicized campaign advocating short-cropped hairstyles for men.

The job isn’t easy: People cryptically refers to a Nov. 17, 2004, photo spread⁴ as “a stark, sexy reminder of the challenges the Sexiest Man Alive faces.”

Page 3 of the Feb. 21, 2005, print edition, featuring the headline “Law Pursues His Sexy Agenda.”

The Onion leans on “sexy” as an uber-word: Law won a “sexy race.” He’s got “well-honed sexiness” and a “sexy agenda.” In fact, “The whole world is looking at him to see what is sexy.”

Law signs autographs for the public.

Also, what is sexy? Apparently, in 2005, it was Russell Crowe:

“While Jude’s look is too conservative for some tastes, no one can deny that he conveys a strong, focused, well-honed sexiness,” Giulletti said. “He has gorgeous cheekbones, sensual lips, and lovely blue eyes. His frame, while not Russell Crowe studly, certainly isn’t too twee either.”

I love this article, but even The Onion can struggle to satirize the banality of People magazine:

• In The Onion, Mel Gibson (the 1st Sexiest Man) publicly defends Law against criticism and offers advice: “Jude deserves a chance to show us what he’s got—both in his riveting dramatic roles and in photos of him with his shirt off.”

• In 2024, People asked Law to counsel the next Sexiest Man Alive: “Be yourself, guys. Be yourself,” Law said.

“State Of Minnesota Too Polite To Ask For Federal Funding” mocks “Minnesota nice,” which was defined in 2024 by the Minneapolis Star Tribune as follows:

While there's no official definition, the term typically refers to Minnesotans' tendency to be polite and friendly, yet emotionally reserved; our penchant for self-deprecation and unwillingness to draw attention to ourselves; and, most controversially, our maddening habit of substituting passive-aggressiveness for direct confrontation.

I’m not sure how scientific “Minnesota nice” is, but government officials in late 2004 blamed it for low flu-shot uptake! Supposedly, Minnesotans knew about the nationwide shortage and didn’t want to deprive those more in need.

(If any of y’all are from Minnesota, please weigh in!)

In The Onion’s universe, the state is also wary of highway funding:

[U.S. Transportation Secretary Norman] Mineta said that, even after he explained that he couldn’t simply give the money to another state, Minnesota reaffirmed that it was determined to stretch what federal dollars it had.

“They kept saying, ’Oh, you guys keep that budget allocation,’” Mineta said. “But everyone likes Minnesota and would love to help them out. They never ask for anything, unlike New York, which seems to be in some kind of crisis every other week.”

Minnesota suffered an interstate highway bridge collapse⁵ in 2007, so maybe this wasn’t a joke.

In 2025, DOGE would celebrate such austerity, but President George W. Bush’s administration felt differently:

Joshua Bolten, U.S. Director of the Office of Management and Budget, said the national government “guilted” Minnesota into accepting some money to fund a child-safety-seat program three years ago, by repeatedly urging them to “think of the children.”

…

“Minnesota should just take the spending money, already,” Department of Education Undersecretary Edward McPherson said. “It’s not like it’s a special handout—all schools were allocated extra money under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act. But they refuse to accept their extra federal funding on the grounds that their schools ’don’t need to be fancy.’”

Other government jokes in this issue include:

• “Bush Determined To Find Warehouse Where Ark Of Covenant Is Stored”: This is a typical “Bush is dumb” joke. The president also plans to destroy the Temple of Doom.

• “COX-2 Inhibitors”: The Onion asked people to comment on the Food and Drug Administration’s review of this class of drugs, including Vioxx and Celebrex. My favorite response:

  “I wondered why that Celebrex TV ad showed an old guy in the middle of a sun-drenched wheat field having a heart attack.”

  Pat Adkins • Prison Guard

Food and drinks in The Onion

Milburn asks Helvinski if he's positive he wants another beer.

Longtime readers might remember The Onion’s numerous alcoholic-themed columns in the early 2000s, including:

• “My Anti-Drug Is Alcohol.”

• “I'm Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze”

• “I'm Not A Wino, I'm A 'Why-Yes'!”

This week, we revisit this theme in “Miller Brewing Company Pressures Area Man To Drink Responsibly.” This is a classic Onion tactic: Changing a few small details to make a real-life premise — alcohol brands urging consumers to “drink responsibly” — feel absurd and silly.

Miller Brewing Co. is more than a beermaker; it’s also a shepherd of customers like Kevin Helvinski:

Miller representatives launched their campaign to encourage Helvinski to assess his alcohol-consumption habits in January, when Helvinski was spotted at the Cloud Nine Lounge vomiting into a urinal.

“Our products should enhance life, not cause our customers to embarrass themselves in public,” Milburn said. “Our company has a rich and storied history that dates back to 1855. We thought if Kevin knew a little more about that history, he might remember to slow down and enjoy the great taste of our high-quality beer.”

Miller’s Helvinski outreach starts with TV ads on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” and escalates to emails and calls.

A note hangs on the cooler at Helvinski's neighborhood convenience store.

But nothing slows Helvinski down:

“We needed to hit him at the point of purchase, so we started to put up friendly little notes in strategic locations, such as on the beer cooler at the gas station near his house,” Milburn said. “The notes said things like, ’Use your head when you go out drinking tonight, Kevin.’ We also put signs up above the urinals in Kevin’s favorite bars, with the simple, black-and-white message, ’Haven’t you had enough tonight, Kevin?’”

Of course, no beer company would be this altruistic. The Onion ends the article with a paragraph advertising Miller’s products and directing readers to its website.

One final note: As a reader pointed out this week, The Onion took a much more positive view of Miller than it did in 2012 with Old Milwaukee.

Other food-and-beverage items in this issue include:

• “New Macrowave Can Defrost A Roast In 72 Hours”: I talked last week about The Onion’s ability to predict the future. Well, the Macrowave is a real product as of 2024.

• “Lure Of Free Meal Each Shift Too Great For Disgruntled Arby's Employee”: There’s still an Arby’s in West Wendover, Nev. Also, this is a very “2005 in America” quote:

  • “Although he has no health insurance, Ochtrup said his kitchen drawers are ‘chock-full of Horsey Sauce.’”

• “Woman Dozing At Coffee Shop Has That Dave Eggers Sex Dream Again”: The Onion taps into 2000 online liberal stereotypes: Laurie Dubar works at the Iowa Writers’ Workshop, reads Salon, and her sex dream also features Sarah Vowell.

Area People doing Area Things

Atlanta's Pauline Keetan works the morning shift at a Krispy Kreme doughnut store.

“New Generation Of Dynamic, Can-Do Seniors Taking On Second Jobs” mocks the Bush economy and media coverage of old people. Because it’s 2005, this article is about the “pre-Baby Boomer” generation, now known as the Silent Generation.

You might think working 2+ jobs suggests financial desperation, but a fictional temp company CEO disagrees:

“Whoever said people should settle into just one job at 65 never witnessed the pride of an 80-year-old grocery bagger,” said Skip Eldrud, CEO of the job-placement company Vital Signs Temporary Labor. “It’s moving to see that the can-do American spirit lives on, well into the years when declining bodily functions make many tasks difficult or even painful to complete.”

The Onion masterfully weaves in anecdotes from these older folks. Here’s a sad one about a veteran:

Clarence Lattimer, 72, of Apache Junction, AZ considered grabbing life by the horns after his military pension was reduced from $847 to $735 per month in November. But it wasn’t until his daughter-in-law kicked him out of her house in January that Lattimer actually put his plan into action, enrolling in a night-school security-guard training program at the local technical college.

I couldn’t find real-life data on seniors holding 2+ jobs. But for the past 30 years, the labor participation rate for American seniors has steadily increased — and the fastest-growing demographic of the workforce is people 75 or older.

Other Area People items in this issue included:

• “Spider-Man Mask Spices Up Blind Date”: This joke appeared months after the famous “car crashing through the cafe” scene in 2004’s “Spider-Man 2.”

• “Sharper Image Vows 'We Will Be Undersold’”: Real-life CEO Richard Thalheimer is quoted. Also:

  • “In response, Hammacher Schlemmer issued a challenge to ‘exceed Sharper Image’s price or double the item’s cost.’”

• “Local Man Gets Cocky With Ladder”: The Onion will sometimes use “Local Man” instead of “Area Man.” In this case, the alliteration improves the headline.

Were the infographics good?

“Oscar Host Chris Rock” published just before his 1st hosting gig (he also hosted in 2016). Obviously, his Oscars legacy is very different nowadays.

A couple of observations:

• The Onion didn’t think the Academy knew how to handle a Black host, hence jokes like:

  • “As a treat for the audience, quote some of your amusing catchphrases from those Rush Hour movies you made with Jackie Chan.”

  • “Putting a little Afro wig on one of the statues would be funny. Why don't you do that?”

• Chris Rock guest-starred on “Miami Vice”!?!

“Top Euphemisms For Female Urination” is not a phrase I would normally deploy, but here we are.

“Her-ination” is my favorite precisely because it’s cringe-inducing to read or say aloud.

What columnists ran?

Bush 43’s “you’re with us or against us” messaging was remarkably successful, especially in blunting early criticism of the Iraq war. As such, many war opponents — Democratic politicians, in particular — felt compelled to preface their criticism with “I support the troops” statements.

The Onion pounces on this with “I Support The Occupation Of Iraq, But I Don't Support Our Troops.” Columnist James W. Henley believes wholeheartedly in American dominance of the Middle East — and that caring about the troops hurts that mission. Besides, they aren’t that impressive:

I’d like to ask those currently trumpeting their support for the troops a question: Have you ever actually met any of these soldiers in person? Well, I have, and believe me, they are no more impressive than any other low-level functionary of a large institution.

In all honesty, my soul swells with pride at the thought of the military-strategy papers and cost-analysis reports in which the troops are represented as numerical figures. But, as for the men and women—well, in almost every respect, they are average.

This is a kinder assessment of U.S. troops’ intelligence than The Onion’s “Our Dumb Century” book, which features the headline “Bottom 10 Percent Of Last Year’s Graduating Class Ready To Take On Saddam.”

Henley’s son serves in the military, but that doesn’t change his views:

So I speak from a position of personal experience when I say that, while I do not wish death for any of the troops, death tolls should not be our greatest concern. All that matters is the pursuit of the foreign-policy goals of this great land, the land I love. America.

Many publications and pundits criticized the war and/or the Bush administration in 2005. But few did so with this level of wit, prose or focus. The Onion’s advantage was in how it told jokes, not just which jokes it told.

Our 2nd column, “I'm Tired Of Looking At These Same Four Uterine Walls,” is written by Allison or Andy Klastermann (Fetus).

The premise is simple: 32 weeks inside the womb is solitary confinement that would drive anyone crazy:

And can’t a fella get a little fresh air? It’d be so great to breathe something that wasn’t liquid for a change. If I could just get out and stretch my legs a little, I might develop some motor skills. At the rate I’m going, my skull’s never gonna fuse.

Please, is anybody listening? I kick and kick, but no one lets me out. Gimme some sign that somebody’s out there—some sonogram signals, an amniotic tap, anything!

Allison/Andy concludes by vowing to get born posthaste:

If the supermarket parking lot is where it’s gotta happen, then the supermarket parking lot it is. Get ready, world, ’cause I’m gonna bust out, pound the pavement, and make a big splash right now.

What was the best horoscope?

This week’s horoscopes involve smallpox, mass death and a disturbing “To Catch A Predator” reference, but my favorite is Cancer:

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You're not excusing your own ignorance in the matter, but the Museum of Modern Art should've announced that the fur-lined teacup was not for drinking.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

“Miller Brewing Company Pressures Area Man To Drink Responsibly” and “Local Man Gets Cocky With Ladder” hold up very well.

I’m concerned that “New Generation Of Dynamic, Can-Do Seniors Taking On Second Jobs” holds up too well.

What holds up worst?

I like almost every joke in this issue!

What would be done differently today?

Sometimes, a funny Onion joke can be tough to grasp years later because the context has changed.

For example, 1997’s “Hunter-Soldier From Future Warns: 'Beware The Digital Pets’” requires a knowledge of Tamagotchi and old-time sci-fi. Meanwhile, 2003’s “U.S. Council Of Coolness Releases Formal Statement On Prince” might confuse people who know Prince’s musical legacy but aren’t old enough to remember the “symbol” era.

This issue features numerous items that could be funny but would require retrofitting:

• You might replace Dave Eggers with a younger essayist/author.

• “COX-2 Inhibitors” could be updated with newer pharmaceuticals, like in “Cackling Hims CEO Threatens To Pull Switch Activating All World’s Erections At Once” from the December 2024 print issue.⁶

• Any Chris Rock/Oscars joke would be very different.

• I don’t know what you’d do with “State Of Minnesota Too Polite To Ask For Federal Funding.”

Thank you

Grateful to have you here. Thanks to everyone who subscribes, likes, comments, shares the newsletter or — like yesterday — lets me pitch it during a wedding reception.

Next week, we’ll look back at the race to succeed Pope John Paul II, plus jokes about Anderson Cooper, Scrabble, dogs, knife-throwing congressmen and Terry Schiavo. See you then!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. The Onion shared “Opportunist Knocks” on Instagram in 2019, so it’s not completely forgotten.

3. To be fair to Law, “Closer” is essentially his biopic — he plays a man who blows up his life by having an affair not long before he did so in real life. Also, maybe I’d like “The Talented Mr. Ripley” today, but I didn’t when I was a teenager.

4. I don’t think this exists, as People printed issues on Nov. 15 and Nov. 22 (featuring Depp!) in 2004.

5. I interned at the Star Tribune in summer 2005 and lived near the I-35W bridge. Two years later, I was working at a newspaper in upstate New York and I realized I had photos of the now-collapsed bridge. It’s probably the only photo credit I received in ~4 years at the paper.

6. Um, so I’m a couple of months behind on print reviews. Apologies! I’ll probably publish them as blog posts, not newsletters, whenever I can catch up.