20 years ago, The Onion mourned Johnny Cash and John Ritter
The Onion also mocks SCOTUS corruption, D.C. murders, the Patriot Act, the Earth Liberation Front, drama on the bus, and much more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Sept. 17, 2003.
This week, we look at crime in Washington, D.C., corruption on the Supreme Court, say goodbye to Johnny Cash and John Ritter, and a fake Onion quote that somehow ended up in a medical journal.
If you’re new here, welcome! We publish most Sundays, and you can sign up below.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 36, the 163rd new Onion issue of the 2000s. There’s no archive of the 2003 website once again. Here’s what the website looked like in 2013 and today.
The front-page headlines “Pancakes ‘Famous’” and “God Grants John Ritter’s Wish To Meet Johnny Cash” are no longer online.
The Onion often used the front-page headlines to note the death of celebrities without wasting space on them (2001’s “Ringo’s Next” about George Harrison’s death is my favorite).
I’m genuinely surprised Johnny Cash didn’t get more of a sendoff, especially considering how much coverage Bob Hope received. But Ritter’s death 1 day earlier probably changed The Onion’s plans.1
This is one of the biggest changes of the online era — The Onion in 2023 would react almost immediately to, say, Dolly Parton’s death, and with multiple jokes and items.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
This week, I’ve been thinking about the difference between editors and writers. Many people can do both, but there’s a mindset difference.
I’m an editor who also writes. But in this newsletter, I’m retroactively analyzing what creators made. It’s fun, and I think we all enjoy revisiting The Onion’s greatness, but it’s a very different approach.
I’m editing their writing, in a way.
This has been on my mind for a few reasons: This week was 30 years since Conan O’Brien’s late-night debut, and as big an Onion fan as you might think I am, I’m a bigger Conan fan. I also follow a much less heralded comedy group, Loading Ready Run, which is turning 20 next month and was founded by 2 guys roughly my age.2 I also saw Colin Jost and Michael Che of “Saturday Night Live” perform on Friday.
All of them are creators, performers and writers. They’re probably good editors, too, but that’s a secondary skill. Fortunately, there’s room for both skill sets. Reviewing the past is important, and with The Onion, we also relive some very funny jokes. But it’s a different act than creation. I’m not a comedy writer or a performer, and I hope this newsletter never comes off like I know better than The Onion’s staff did.
Anyways, on to the Sept. 17, 2003, issue! The top story is “History Of Rock Written By The Losers,” which feels lightly like a reaction to the 2000 film “Almost Famous.”
The gist of this article is making fun of people who obsessively chronicle things they didn’t actually participate in (you know, like this newsletter!):
"The city of Boston is about more than just Mission Of Burma or Galaxie 500, and it's certainly about more than Boston or The Cars," said 28-year-old Dana Harris, a rock historian. "The scene in Boston is full of history, but it's also vibrant right now. Someone needs to record all the amazing things going on here, even if it means that person will never have a social life."
Harris has a website called BostonRockScene.com, which doesn’t appear to have existed then. Even today, it’s just a domain for sale.
The Onion mocks these chroniclers for trying to sway public opinion about rock ’n ’ roll. It implies that real rock stars hate talking to them — even real-life music writers such as David Bowman and Anthony DeCurtis.
The Onion also talks with a fictional Princeton professor, an “ex-music-nerd” who despises these historians:
"If you ask them who the U.S. attorney general is, or what's going on in the park around the corner, you'll get a blank stare. But ask which member of The Doors produced Los Angeles, the debut album by X, and you'll have to dodge all the flying spittle from everyone trying to be the first to answer."
I liked this article. Solid satire. Maybe it would be a classic if I were more into rock history.3
Washington, D.C., in the news
There was a lot of D.C. news this week!
“D.C. Once Again Murder Capital, Mayor Brags” is not meant to be strictly accurate. Yes, D.C. did lead major U.S. cities in murder per capita in 2003, although that’s blurred by New Orleans not making the list. Either way, in 2003, D.C.’s murder and violent crime rates declined.
The trick with this article is that Mayor Anthony Williams is happy about this accomplishment — it just shows that D.C. is for the rough and tumble. Can you hack it in the nation’s capital?
"Hey, it only makes sense," said Williams at a press conference Monday. "We're the capital of the United States, so we should also be the capital of murders. But the thing is, if you're from here, you know how to take care of yourself in a city as big and bad as D.C."
Other cities have declining murder rates, but Williams sees that as “settling down.” He also criticizes those who count murder by sheer number since D.C. lacks the population of cities like Chicago or New York City.
He does express sympathy for the victims, I guess:
"We would like to express our condolences to the families of the victims who made us number one," Williams said. "Our hearts go out to those who have fallen. We're like family, so it's always sad to see one of our own die. Unfortunately, that's the risk of life in the fast lane."
I love this quote as someone who moved to Silver Spring in 2021 (for the ~$8,000 a year in rent savings, not the crime). Point taken, Mayor!
"If you think it's too tough for you, and you want to move out to [Washington suburb] Silver Spring, then don't let me stop you," Williams said. "Seriously, I think we can get by without you. Me, I'll take D.C. every time."
Other D.C. stories include:
“Revised Patriot Act Will Make It Illegal To Read Patriot Act”: The ALCU cited this article in testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee on Nov. 18, 2003.
“Supreme Court Gets Free Box Of Shoes After Mentioning Nike In Ruling”: This article is suddenly relevant 20 years later, amid big stories about the undisclosed gifts given to sitting justices, including Justice Clarence Thomas. The Nike Air Zoom Spiridon mentioned by Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was a big deal in 2003!
“The Ban On Travel To Cuba”: The Onion asks people about a House vote to allow travel to Cuba by Americans.4 My favorite part 20 years later is an early appearance by Jeff Flake, then a congressman:
"What flake thought up this stupid bill? Oh, U.S. Rep. Jeff Flake (R-AZ)."
Mary Regan • Appraiser
Science in the news!
“FDA Approves Sale Of Prescription Placebo” is a wonderfully cynical take on the pharmaceutical industry. After all, placebos are everywhere, and they often seem to work just as well or better than actual treatments. Why not market them — and profit!
I love this fake quote, and not just because a paper in the Indian Journal of Psychiatry thought this was real:
"For years, scientists have been aware of the effectiveness of placebo in treating a surprisingly wide range of conditions," said Dr. Jonathan Bergen of the FDA's Center for Drug Evaluation and Research. "It was time to provide doctors with this often highly effective option."
AstraZeneca is the 1st of 11 companies rushing placebo drugs to market. I love the slogans “It’s going to work” and “It’s a pill.”
Here are the features of competitor drugs:
GlaxoSmithKline expects to have two versions of placebo on the shelves in late December. One, a 40-milligram pill called Appeasor, will be marketed to patients 55 and over, while the other, Inertra, designed for middle-aged women, is a liquid that comes in a 355-milliliter can, and is cola-flavored. Eli Lilly plans a $3 million marketing campaign for its 400-milligram tablet, Pacifex.
This is well-written, funny and a bit alarming?
Area People doing Area Things
“Mother-Daughter Heart-To-Heart Devolves Into Bitching About Dad” is a story about a 15-year-old girl who seems more mature than either of her parents.
The mother, Elizabeth, is bitter about marrying too young and unhappy with her husband’s lack of attention to her, himself or daughter Claire. While Elizabeth’s complaints seem valid, it’s leading to some strange advice to Claire:
"I feel like I can tell Mom anything," Claire said. "I was telling her how it ticks me off when boys stop talking to you after you tell them you like them. Then, Mom told me how Dad used to tease her about her butt being too big until finally one day, she went nuts and threw a lamp at him."
The Onion asks psychologist Anthony Wieland about this problem. He’s the author of the delightful fake book “Divided Parents, Conquered.” His advice seems … unreliable unless you want to cause more fighting.
Sadly, we don’t hear from the father.
Other Area People stories include:
“Indian-American Couple's Accent Makes Fight Adorable”: This article would be written differently now. At least the woman likes the accent?
“Change In Bus Seats Taken Personally”: Such a petty sentiment, and yet all too common.
“What? I'm not good enough to sit next to?" Pohl thought. "Go on and move then."
“School Friends Don't Find Camp Songs Funny”: I think this is a reference to Eagle Waters in Wisconsin — another local joke for the staff.
Finally, we have these 2 front-page headlines and photos:
“Stripper Not In Phone Book” makes me laugh even if a phone book is a foreign concept today.
“Vacationing Family Visits World's Biggest Asshole” is a great photo.
Were the infographics good?
“Eco-Vandalism” is interesting, because the Earth Liberation Front and similar groups lost relevance after 2003, largely because of stringent prosecution and the Patriot Act.
But for a number of years, ELF captured the public consciousness, and this infographic reflects that.
The Onion goes through a range of jokes here, from classic eggings to kidnapping mascots (Ronald McDonald) to equating eco-terrorists with burnouts who don’t actually do anything.
Today’s version of these protests involves gluing yourself to things, as seen during the 2022 NBA playoffs and this year’s U.S. Open tennis tournament.
“What Are We Lying About To Barb?” makes me laugh because of the specificity. It’s mostly just an old lady named Barb, but there’s the one joke about Barbara Bush: “What dipshit son did to economy.”
What columnists ran?
“I Totally Outlived Jesus” is the classic celebration of someone who turns 34. Our columnist, Ian “Kersh” Kershaw,” is stoked:
You know, 33 was good. I had a pretty decent year, all in all. I started seeing Melissa, I moved into an apartment complex with a pool, and I solidified my position of authority at the car-stereo installation shop. But there was one thing I couldn't say that I'd done, until today: outlive Jesus Christ. Well, check the calendar. See that circle around today's date? See that '34' written there? In your face, Jesus!
“Solidified his position of authority at the car-stereo installation shop” is a hell of a phrase. I’d like a column on that.
Kersh gives Jesus, or “the ol' J-Man,” credit for his churches and walking on water, but otherwise thinks he’s just as good as him. Jesus liked wine and was a carpenter; Kersh likes Pabst Blue Ribbon and is good at installing car stereos.
Kersh’s birthday party will have everyone sit on one side like it’s the Last Supper. Then:
I can put up a little sign over my chair that says "INRI," just like the one Jesus had. No one knows what Jesus' damn sign even meant, but mine will mean "Ian Needs Ribbon Immediately!" Oh, but His sign wasn't over His favorite booth in the back, the one right by the jukebox. Nope, his sign was over His head when He died—younger than Kersh!
Kersh 1, Jesus 0.
“Ask A Man Who's Had One Hell Of A Long Day” is the latest in The Onion’s advice columns, where readers write in and get answers that have nothing to do with their questions.
This time, it’s an exhausted, burned-out dad with a developing headache who does not have time for all the questions and energy of his son, Cody. Here’s a sample:
I don't know. My brother? I don't know. I don't have any opinion. I don't know. Don't ask me questions about birthday presents. Do whatever. Get him whatever you want. You make the choice. I don't care. Look, I know we said we'd talk about it this week, but…please. Oh, God. I can't even think straight right now, and you're talking birthday presents. I've had a really long day, all right? Sheesh! Look, I work hard, don't I? Don't I bust my ass for those mother…those so-and-so's, every day of the week?
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope is Taurus, mostly because of whatever backstory is involved:
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
What holds up best?
I personally love “D.C. Once Again Murder Capital, Mayor Brags” just for the local angle, but for most of you, I’d recommend “FDA Approves Sale Of Prescription Placebo.” It’s well-written, pharma has been in the news a lot these past few years, and “placebos” are a science term regular folks (including me) use a lot but only somewhat understand.
What holds up worst?
“Indian-American Couple's Accent Makes Fight Adorable” could have been a lot worse, I guess. Also, the article takes place at a bank with many people waiting in line, which feels much less common today.
What would be done differently today?
Many of these stories are about 2003 events, but the topics themselves remain relevant: bills in Congress, presidential policies, famous deaths, new pharma drugs, family drama, etc.
Certainly, The Onion isn’t writing about eco-terrorism in 2023, or at least not about the eco-terrorism of the 1990s.
Thank you
I appreciate all of you here, including those who perhaps found my recap of The Onion’s 9/11 issue and subscribed from there. Great to have you here.
Next week, we’ll look at the reunification of church and state, the U.S. ending its investment in youth, a double entendre gone wrong and the (1st) breakup of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. See you then!
Ritter was regularly mentioned in the 1990s as a past winner of The Onion’s “Man of the Year” award.
LRR does far too much to summarize, but “Papers, Please” is their biggest YouTube hit, they do a dayslong charity livestream every year, “The Panalysts” made me laugh a lot, and “From Rewatch to Love” is a very good (albeit very long) podcast.
Rolling Stone founder Jann Wenner was just in the news for his views on rock’s great intellectuals, for what it’s worth.
Best I can tell, the House and Senate approved the lifting of travel restrictions, but Bush opposed that, and the provision was eventually removed from a bill in late 2003.