20 years ago, The Onion imagined a RBG-Scalia lovemaking scenario
This is a wild issue. The Onion invents a video game about the D.C. sniper attacks, mocks Marxism and spends too much time on Winona Ryder's shoplifting.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 13, 2002.
The Onion was feeling feisty this week, with lots of current-events coverage, including Jackie Harvey’s Hollywood gossip column. If you’re looking for an old Onion issue with a modern feel, this is a good one.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 42, the 125th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.
The front-page headline “Sweatpants-Wearing Man Needs Rolling Papers” is no longer online. I don’t think this headline works as well in 2022, when a ton of states have legalized marijuana.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
In the early 2000s, video games were constantly being blamed for violence. They still are to some degree! But 20-25 years ago, video games were more of a niche. and the myth persisted of loners who became corrupted by violent games.
Meanwhile, The Onion, for over 25 years, has been fascinated with video games, gaming culture and the pearl-clutching about games.
This story combines all of those mentalities. The Onion imagines that there’s a silver lining from the D.C. sniper attacks — a cool first-person shooter.
“'Beltway Sniper' Video-Game Release Delayed Out Of Respect For Victims” is an aggressive satire. The Onion wants to see who the real fans are, not just the ones who laugh at safe jokes.
The premise is that the video game “Beltway Sniper: Silent Strike” will not be released on Nov. 15, 2002, because it’s too soon since the shootings (like, a few weeks). The game will be delayed until March 2003.
The gaming studio releases a classic “out of respect” statement that really doesn’t show any respect:
"Upon discussing the matter internally, we decided that it would be inappropriate to unleash the intense sniping action and white-knuckle stealth gameplay of Beltway Sniper at this time," Pixxel Arts president Davis Conway said. "Out of respect for the victims of this horrific killing spree and their loved ones, we are delaying release of the mind-blowing first-person shooter until early next year."
Conway is not actually worried about offending anyone. He brags about the 20-plus levels, the “SneakScope View” and how law enforcement consultants helped make the game extra-realistic.
Pixxel Arts is happy to make an empty PR gesture in its pursuit of profit:
Conway said that a percentage of the profits from sales of Beltway Sniper would be donated to the victims' families.
Meanwhile, game programmer Russell Sperber is excited about the world-building options players will have in this sniping paradise:
That and the unlockable extra levels, the 'Create A Cryptic Note' feature, and the 'Play As The Cops' mode. And, of course, we'll be expanding the Create-A-Sniper feature, in which you can put yourself or your friends in a tree outside a strip-mall parking lot and take aim at the customers exiting such stores as Ponderosa1, T.J. Maxx, and Jo-Ann Fabrics."
While The Onion is exaggerating, we know that human beings love to capitalize on tragedy. I could see someone asking, “Can we make a video game based on this?”
The least believable aspect of this story? That any studio could develop a video game in just a few weeks!
“Marxists' Apartment A Microcosm Of Why Marxism Doesn't Work” is one of many Onion articles that, to me, represent the many years The Onion spent in Madison, Wis.
I don’t think anyone would consider The Onion particularly conservative, but my theory is that these articles arise from being in a very-left university town. After all, if you’re looking for sources of humor, simply look around you.
This dorm room’s committee system of rotating chores fails immediately, replaced by infighting and deliberate slowdowns in work:
"I brought up that I thought it was total bullshit that I'm, like, the only one who ever cooks around here, yet I have to do the dishes, too," said Foyle, unaware of just how much the apartment underscores the infeasibility of scientific socialism as outlined in Das Kapital. "So we decided that if I cook, someone else has to do the dishes. We were going to rotate bathroom-cleaning duty, but then Kirk kept skipping his week, so we had to give him the duty of taking out the garbage instead. But now he has a class on Tuesday nights, so we switched that with the mopping."
Soon enough, everyone’s ignoring the duty chart, the food-sharing system fails, and no one trusts each other.
Worse still, corruption has emerged. One of the roommates owes back rent and has lied about having the money. Another took $30 meant for a utility bill and spent it on drinks.
One of my favorite parts of The Onion’s “culture” coverage is when they turn to an academic to explain things:
The situation is familiar to Donald Browning, author of Das Kouch: A History Of College Marxism, 1970-1998.
"When workers willfully become less productive, the economy of the household suffers," Browning said. "But in a society where a range of ability naturally exists, someone is bound to object to picking up the slack for others and end up getting all pissy, like Josh does."
I’ve talked before about how The Onion considers almost everything fair game for jokes. And those jokes should not be tame (although they should be funny, clever and even illuminating). This story does all of that really well.
Also, “Das Kouch.” Very silly, but made me laugh.
Politics and government
“Supreme Court Makes Pact To Lose Virginity By End Of Year” is an interesting follow-up to September 2002’s “Supreme Court Cock-Blocks Iowa Man,” suggesting that SCOTUS was angry at that man because none of them is getting laid.
20 years later, this is a truly fascinating article to look back on. The famed (infamous?) friendship between Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Antonin Scalia is mocked here, with Ginsburg being the only dissenting vote because she supposedly is in love with Scalia.
As fictional Washington Post reporter James Klingler reports:
“But while, on its surface, this pact would seem to drive Ginsburg and Scalia further apart, it may well be the very thing that brings them together. Perhaps during a particularly long and difficult get-laid strategy session, Justice Ginsburg will remove her glasses and rub her tired eyes, prompting Justice Scalia to finally see the beautiful woman beneath that hard liberal exterior."
The other marvel 20 years later is the appearance of Sen. Susan Collins, whose votes would later reshape the modern SCOTUS.
Collins lures Justice Anthony Kennedy to the Jefferson Memorial with the promise of a makeout session. But it all goes wrong:
After complying with Collins' request, Kennedy was ambushed and pelted with eggs by several assailants, including Collins herself, who walked off holding hands with Rep. Tom Osborne (R-NE)2.
"She laughed and said, 'So long, virgin! Have a nice night with Mr. Right Hand,'" Kennedy said. "After that, I decided I'd had enough. It was time to take action."
Kennedy is also bullied with a homophobic slur, which is not great to see but probably reflects the taunts of 2002.
So many jokes in this article. Here are a few others:
Now-retired SCOTUS Marshal Pamela Taiken appears, and she’s apparently in charge of throwing parties.
I love that William Rehnquist’s nickname is “Big Willie” and Stephen Breyer is “Pee-Wee.”
Scalia makes a dick joke in Latin.
The Onion also covered the 2002 midterms. “Republicans Take The Senate” asked people on the street what they thought about the GOP’s gains in the recent election.
We start off with a really crass, random joke I won’t repeat. And we end with a reminder that the sky is always falling somewhere:
"Gosh, that election really sucked. Well, at least it'll probably be the last one we ever have."
Raymond Thatcher • Architect
Other government coverage:
The random, ridiculous “Senator Mix-A-Lot Sponsors Titties-On-Glass Legislation,” which contains this amazing rhyme3: "Note to my colleague Tom Daschle / That if the babies be gettin' bashful /"
“Teen Newsweek Reports North Korea Is The Bomb” is a generic mockery of a teen publication as if it were written by teens instead of for teens.
Hollywood in The Onion
20 years later, I’m perplexed that “Winona Ryder's Probation” got so much media coverage. Yes, it was weird for a Hollywood actress to shoplift, and actresses are held to unfair standards and so on. But still! It’s like America finally had a moment of pause after 9/11 and decided it needed a new target.
Sadly, The Onion is no better than the American people. There are 3 (THREE!) mentions this week: Jackie Harvey’s column comments on the trial, and this horoscope alluding to some fictional other shoplifting trial:
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will strongly consider firing your entire PR team when your shoplifting trial fails to get the high-profile treatment it deserves.
Despite my outrage, I must admit that these jokes are exceptional. The Leno joke is pretty much factual, and “Will be held fully accountable for her Mr. Deeds” is a wonderful pun.
This infographic never should have existed, but it is the best possible version.
We also have the short story “Christian Slater Dropped From List Of Names To Drop.” I guess this is accurate? Slater still has a career, but he hasn’t been a big star in a long time.
2 things I liked:
The idea of a National Name Drop Index
I forgot how Dean Cain went from Superman to nothing like overnight: “Until Slater gains at least a supporting role in a hit feature or a lead role in a TV series, he is relegated to Dean Cain Memorial Limbo."
“History Channel Admits To Profiting From Nazi Documentaries” is a good illustration of The Onion’s writing process, which starts with headlines before articles. It’s easy to imagine someone pitching this one-liner and everyone in the room slowly nodding.
And, of course, what would The Onion’s Hollywood coverage be without a Jackie Harvey column. This time, it’s “Sarah Jessica Gives 'Birth In The City'!”
Jackie Harvey, for those who aren’t familiar, is The Onion’s entertainment columnist. He’s very excited about Hollywood but constantly gets names wrong. And his writing style is sort of like Larry King’s old USA Today columns.
For example:
Jackie thinks Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew “Wargames” Broderick’s baby is named Bueller Bradshaw Bloom Broderick (The baby’s name was James).
Jackie describes David E. Kelley’s new TV show and misspells his name, the show’s name and the name of Kelley’s wife, Michelle Pfeiffer.
There’s also this paragraph where Harvey tries to figure out the guy who is replacing Bill Maher’s “Politically Incorrect” show on ABC:
The host? A heretofore unknown fellow named Jiminy Kimmel4. I don't know much about him, except he was Igor to Ben Stein's Frankenstein on Win Ben Stein's Monkey, he likes beer, and he was on a radio show with Dr. Dre.
Harvey also muses about getting a kitten, his preference for canned peaches — and the need to stop Saddam Hussein.
I love Jackie Harvey’s chaos, and I can’t imagine how fun this must have been to write. And this was the only opinion column this week — usually The Onion had 2 columns.
[Editor’s update, 11/26/2023: I didn’t realize this at the time, but The Onion deleted the 2nd column, “Those Chechen Rebels Stole My Idea,” by Michael Bay, about the Chechen rebels who took hostages in a Moscow theater in 2002. The Onion later commented on the raid itself.
The Onion would later delete an ill-timed column about Siegfried & Roy — a curious practice of self-censorship I didn’t know about.]
Area People doing Area Things
Some of The Onion’s strongest writing has been about advertising/marketing and Big Soda. “Area Man Buying Not So Much A Soft Drink As An Image” combines these nicely.
Highway construction worker Chuck Burdon is thirsty, and he is unafraid to admit that his purchase is driven entirely by advertising:
According to Burdon, key to his decision to choose Diet Coke was the memory of a 1994 television spot featuring model-actor Lucky Vanous as a construction worker who excites young, single women by shirtlessly consuming a can of the soft drink.
However, Burdon is also plagued by stereotypes of manliness. He is afraid to drink caffeine-free soft drinks, Diet Coke with Lemon or Pepsi Blue lest he be made fun of:
"Drinking an adolescent-targeted, convention-flouting, candy-colored fantasia beverage like Pepsi Blue would paint me as an aging and pathetic man desperate to appear youthful and virile," Burdon said.
In 2022, soda and TV commercials don’t dominate our culture like they maybe did in the 1990s and 2000s. But is humanity still desperate to fit in? Yes.
Other Area People stories in this issue:
“Ray Charles Signs Def Leppard Album”: This is too easy of a joke, especially without a story. Who are we supposed to be laughing at?
“Upper-Middle-Class Woman Worries There's Better Coffee She Doesn't Know About”: I think this story could run nearly verbatim today. The main change I’d make is replacing “homemaker” with a white-collar, midlevel executive job.
Were the infographics good?
“What Are We Trapped Under?” continues a nice run of Onion front-page infographics that deliver smart one-liners.
Having “mountains of paperwork” as a figurative and literal pile is a delight. It also reminds me of a 2004 Conan O’Brien bit I rewatched this week: “Celebrities Trapped Under Heavy Objects Channel.”
I also like the “Produce” illustration. What a neatly assembled pile!
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week was Aries for this light-hearted gem:
Aries | March 21 to April 19
The ever-increasing triviality of American life is good news for you and the other employees of the squirrel-waterski factory.
Also, good lord, if The Onion thought American life was trivial then!
What holds up best?
This is a tough one. I’ll go with “Area Man Buying Not So Much A Soft Drink As An Image” because it’s such a good portrayal of how marketing manipulates us.
The only reason I won’t award this to “Upper-Middle-Class Woman Worries There's Better Coffee She Doesn't Know About” is because it’s too narrow. The coffee snob stereotype extends far beyond a subset of housewives.
What holds up worst?
A couple rough jokes with some raw language in the SCOTUS and midterms stories. The latter, in particular — how was it funny even in 2002, unless there’s some sort of cultural reference I’ve long forgotten about? Either way, that doesn’t help 20 years later.
What would be done differently today?
I doubt The Onion would make a simplistic “haha, he’s blind!” joke about Stevie Wonder today like they did about Ray Charles in 2002.
The Beltway Sniper story would probably be different, even if the underlying sentiment feels very Onion-like. Video games are such a massive part of our culture now, and The Onion has famously changed its approach to writing about mass shootings.
Also, today’s Onion website reminds us that silliness is always in style. As of publication, The Onion’s front page has a story called “Study Finds Majority Of Americans Die Within Same Trash Compactor They Were Born Into.”
Thank you
Grateful to have y’all here. This is a labor of love, and I hope you’re enjoying it. In regular life, I’m an editor and content marketer who’s on Twitter (assuming it’s still running) and LinkedIn, among other places. I’ll be saying hello at this Thursday’s Managing Editor Live virtual summit, too.
See y’all next week.
One surviving victim of the real-life sniper attacks was shot outside of a Ponderosa. Also, the “Chief Moose” referenced in the video game screenshot is Montgomery County (Md.) Police Chief Charles Moose, who led the local investigation.
The mention of Osborne, former Nebraska football coach, is a deliberate nod to the high school dynamic of jocks and nerds.
Sir Mix-A-Lot also appeared in this 1997 advice column.
Good lord, Kimmel’s been on for 20 years?