20 years ago, The Onion emancipated 8,000 IBM workers
We also look back at Roman Empire wordplay, the Iraq War's ballooning costs, a man with too many T-shirts, Smoove B's romantic troubles and a pirate with parrot-care tips.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 8, 2003.
In this issue, we’ll revisit some of my favorite Onion headlines from 2003, welcome back Smoove B., and The Onion semi-predicting 2023’s news that IBM will cut 8,000 jobs — but for the betterment of humanity.
If you’re new here, welcome! We publish on Sundays, and you can sign up below.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 39, the 166th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today.
These front-page headlines are no longer online:
“Goths, Vandals Invade Rome, IL”
“Package Tracked Doggedly”
Both are good, but the Rome headline is so good. Only 5 words, but every one of them matters. It’s a shame this headline’s been lost to history, especially given the Roman Empire discourse these days.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I wondered how “Celine Dion Secluded In Lab Developing New Perfume” would hold up 20 years later. She’s obviously less famous nowadays, and many of the “jokes” in the 19990s and 2000s were insults about her appearance, rather than wit. Even The Onion fell prey to this in April 2003.
Fortunately, this is a standard “villain in a lab” article, where Dion has built a secret perfume lab that’s heavily guarded and inaccessible to her husband, René Angelil, and son:
"Celine has been in that lab for 27 days so far, and judging from the jasmine-smeared birthday card I received yesterday, she has no intention of taking a break any time soon," Angelil said. "She calls once a week to ask how our son is doing, but otherwise, she leaves the phone off the hook, unless she's ordering essential oils or equipment."
Dion really did launch a perfume line in 2003 to coincide with her Las Vegas residency and her album “One Heart.” And The Onion seems to accurately describe the 1st perfume’s key ingredients: “lily, orange blossom, and exotic Tiare flower.”
The Onion does a wonderful job describing Dion’s $46 million lab, her ability to smell distinct varieties of pine trees without opening the packaging, and how she apparently doesn’t need sleep:
Continued Lasser: "She pushes us to the limit, but no one works as hard as she does. I've worked both the day and night shifts, and she's always here. Every eight hours, she lies down in a hermetically sealed room to let her olfactory glands rest, but it's half an hour, two hours at most, and then she's back in the lab."
In real life, Dion’s line was a partnership with Coty. In this article, Dion is the inventor, and she’s going Method by studying the namesake, Francois Coty:
"Celine knew that getting into Coty's head would help her with her own work," Lasser said. "She said, 'It's not just about the fragrance. It's also about the bottle and presentation.' I guess that's why those men showed up today and asked where they should build the glass-blowing oven."
This is a bizarre article, but a lot of fun.
In May 2023, IBM CEO Arvind Krishna said the company would use AI to replace almost 8,000 jobs — although not through layoffs. He’s since toned down that statement, saying that AI will free up workers for other stuff.
I’m not just picking on IBM. There’s this expectation nowadays that corporations should be everything for everyone — taking social stands, treating employees like family, taking over roles once filled by government services or community ties. But somehow, they’re also supposed to make more profit every quarter. Workers, meanwhile, had a COVID-induced reevaluation of work’s importance in the grand scheme of life.
In that sense, “IBM Emancipates 8,000 Wage Slaves” is very modern. You see, these 8,000 layoffs aren’t about discarding people — IBM is freeing these workers from servitude! What a good company!
"You are all free, free to go!" said IBM CEO Samuel J. Palmisano to the 600 men and women freed from the corporation's Essex Junction, VT, location. "No more must you live a bleak, hand-to-mouth existence, chained to your desks in a never-ending Monday-through-Friday, 9-to-5 cycle. Your future is wide-open. Now, go!"
Doesn’t this feel like CEOs talking about AI?
"There is no reason for a modern-day John Henry to spend his life trying to out-spreadsheet an IBM business machine," Palmisano said. "Especially since our computers, properly programmed and equipped, can handle the accounting workload of hundreds of human beings."
President George W. Bush praises the move — “No one said freedom was easy” — as the latest in what The Onion calls “wage-slave-emancipation programs.” And real-life CNN journalist Mike Boettcher praises this move for freeing “exploited people.”
Weirdly, none of the workers seem happy about this!
I like this social commentary by The Onion — yes, it’s a broadside against capitalism, but it’s more specifically a callout of how companies torture the English language with PR. “Wage-slave emancipation” is only a slight exaggeration. And, notably, IBM had once been known for retraining rather than layoffs. You need good PR to explain that getting rid of people is good (and not driven by the stock price)!
What was going on in Washington, D.C.?
“$87 Billion For Iraq” was a special budget request by Bush, and Congress went along with it in early November 2003, with the GOP-controlled Congress not requiring offsetting costs or repayment by Iraq.
These jokes are properly cynical, including commentary about healthcare for working-class soldiers and how road construction “supervisors” cost 5 times as much as the materials.1
I also like “Neon sign over gates of Baghdad that flashes “Bag,” then “Dad,” then “Bagdad” — if only for the deliberate misspelling.
“Gorillagram Employee Shot By White House Security” isn’t based on a real-life security incident, I don’t think. The photo makes me laugh. Was it an Onion employee dressing up, or was it a stock photo?
Other D.C. stories included:
“CIA Leak Probed”: We’re already in the Valerie Plame era! Apparently, this story was not that interesting (yet):
"The White House needs to assure the American people that, in the future, more interesting things than this are leaked to the press."
David Martin • AV Technician
“Frustrated FCC Unable To Stop Use Of Word 'Friggin’”: Federal Communications Commission Chairman Michael Powell (Colin’s son) was known for his crackdown on perceived indecency, including the Justin Timberlake/Janet Jackson Super Bowl incident and driving Howard Stern to Sirius.
Area People doing Area Things
“Teens 'Going To Town' With Restaurant Comment Cards” is a classic Onion template of Midwest teens mocking whatever is in front of them. Of course, this was before smartphones and fiber-speed internet, so what did teens do? Drive around for hours before visiting a 24-hour diner.
There are many, many jokes, including the classic “Seymour Butts.” And teens being teens, there’s sex-related humor:
Despite the comment cards' lack of sex-related questions, the teens found a way to work the topic into their evaluations.
The teens provided a number of risqué answers—phone numbers like "555-TITS" and "ASS-FUCK" and e-mail addresses such as "blowme@yahoo.com" among them.
The question "Who served you today?" proved especially provocative.
"I wish I'd been served by Cameron Diaz instead of some Country Kitchen asshole," Malkus wrote. "Or Anna Kournikova. She's hot."
In the blank that requested the server's name, Konkel wrote "Dick Whale," in reference to Wehl, with whom the teens are familiar from their many recent trips to Country Kitchen.
“Wehl” is third-shift manager Rick Wehl.
Every so often, The Onion goes the extra mile and creates one of these handwritten documents. Here we go again:
I enjoy the suggested improvements: “DJs, rap metal, strobe lights, free liquor, WEED!”
This is very juvenile, but that’s the point.
I spent some late nights at 24-hour diners and the local Friendly’s when I was a teen. I don’t remember doing this with comment cards, but I’m sure we were obnoxious in other ways.
“Area Man Institutes T-Shirt Purchase Freeze” is a classic American problem: You’ve bought more stuff than you can possibly use. Sadly, I can relate: My T-shirt drawer is at capacity, and I need to cull my own stock.
That said, I don’t own 132 shirts like Ken Ciszek does! I love that the band Cheap Trick2 is what pushed him to make a change:
"I found a great Cheap Trick Dream Police tour shirt at a garage sale," Ciszek said. "I couldn't believe my luck, but then I got home and realized I had one exactly like it buried under my other band T-shirts. Until I can figure out what to do with these things, I'm cutting myself off. It'll be hard, but I gotta do it."
Ciszek is unwilling to make hard decisions about some of these less-than-compelling T-shirt concepts:
This Old Milwaukee shirt I got to cheer myself up after I broke my leg in 2000. Here's one from a Fun Run I got roped into doing once. This one has a fish on it—I got it at a gas station. This one says 'We're All Earnest.' I have no idea what that even means, but the old telephone on it looks really cool."
Ciszek did give away a “Kill Bill” shirt he received at a sneak preview, but his girlfriend isn’t nearly satisfied.
"If only I could just get him to start wearing shirts with buttons," Bullington said. "He's almost 30, but he still dresses like a 16-year-old. Is it really necessary for him to alert everyone on the street that he's been to San Diego?"
Other Area People stories include:
“8 Simple Rules Laugh Track Replaced With Somber String Arrangement”: This isn’t that funny, but it’s a nice acknowledgment of the late John Ritter. In retrospect, I can’t believe they took a few weeks off and then said, “Well, let’s keep making this show!”
“Girlfriend Dumped After Forwarding Stupid Link”: This pettiness feels timeless. Because it’s 2003, the link is to a Flash-animated site. The boyfriend “has previously dumped girlfriends for owning roller blades, buying Vegemite, and watching Craig Kilborn.”
“Thank-You Note Passive-Aggressive”: Another fantastic headline. “Many people commented on how unique they were” is quite the backhanded compliment of someone’s cooking.
“Bartender Refuses To Acknowledge Patron's Regular Status”: This makes me laugh as someone who’s been a regular. However, I’ve never ordered a Bushmills.
“Chaps Unnecessary” is a good visual.
Were the infographics good?
The front-page infographic “What Do We Regret?” is a great question, and “Getting caught” is the most honest answer.
All of these are good, including the Jesus mention of “Dying for their sins.” Also, and I can’t believe this is true, there was a real-life school lockdown in 2018 because of a “humoctopus” announcement.
What columnists ran?
“Parrot Care Is Actually Quite Time-Consuming” imagines that an old-timey pirate is also well-versed in animal health. Capt. Crimson Bannister is here to dispel the myth that having a parrot is easy, especially on the high seas:
If yer bird be pluckin' out her plumage, why, shiver me timbers, that could mean she be beset with a pox! Examine her for parasites, fungus, or signs o' skin irritation or infection. An' bathe yer bird once a fortnight. 'Tis important for healthy skin an' feathers. The creature may protest, but ye need to be firm. If the parrot ceases not in her pluckin', drop anchor an' visit yer veterinarian.
We also learn that pellets are much better than bird seed, that ocean or bilge water is no substitute for fresh water, and you need a sturdy cage with a natural wood perch. There are also tips on clipping parrots’ nails and wings and maintaining the beak.
This pirate sounds like a caring person, at least to parrots:
It rends this old buccaneer's heart to think upon such matters, but 'tis proof ye need to hold fast to yer bird an' provide her love an' companionship. A spry, talkative sort is a parrot, an' a keen scholar, as well. Knew ye, mateys, 'tis in the throat, not the mouth, that the parrot be makin' the words she speak? Aye, a fun fact, indeed! Ye can teach her to say words like "jolly-boat" an' "square-riggin'" an' "ahrrrrr!" Or instruct her in the riding o' a small bicycle.
I don’t know if any of these facts are true, but I learned a lot about parrot care.
Meanwhile, “Please Don't Be Mad” marks the return of Smoove B., who cares about wooing women most of all. But something has gone wrong! He doesn’t know how or why he’s offended his lady, but he’s determined to make every grand gesture to win forgiveness and get back to sex:
Was it one of my actions? Was it when I lit a fire in the fireplace after you said you were chilly? Maybe instead, you wanted Smoove to wrap you in a blanket and hold you close.
Perhaps you were upset by the sliced fruit that I brought to you. I brought you those slices of fruit because I thought that you might be hungry. If those fruit slices were not fresh enough, I will go to the 24-hour supermarket all the way on the other side of town and hand-select the store’s ripest kiwi, in hopes that you will find it acceptable.
Ah yes, the best Cincinnati-area kiwi is at the 24-hour store.
Smoove is one of the most consistently written Onion characters. He’s all about one thing, and he only has one method of getting it:
If you would tell me what angered you, I could make it better, either by correcting my error or by treating you in so sensual a manner that you would forget all about it.
I also love that his go-to brag is how far he’ll travel to procure supplies. He promises to scour the globe for ingredients to make exotic drinks. But if that’s not enough …
If you don’t like the exotic drinks I make, I will go back to even more exoticer locations and find drinks that you do enjoy.
Oh, Smoove. Sadly, this is the beginning of a long decline in Smoove’s romantic fortunes, as we’ll see in the next few years.
What was the best horoscope?
This week’s horoscopes have some fun jokes involving Wilford Brimley, bird language the Statue of Liberty and bad scat singing, but my favorite horoscope this week is Taurus:
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your eyes will soon meet the tender gaze of a handsome stranger, thanks to your decision to check the "organ donor" box on your driver's license.
This reminds me of the John Mulaney bit about Jerry Orbach’s eyes.
What holds up best?
Maybe it’s because I covered business and leadership news for much of my career, but “IBM Emancipates 8,000 Wage Slaves” feels as on-point as ever.
As I noted above, “Goths, Vandals Invade Rome, IL” makes me so happy.
What holds up worst?
The Celine Dion story was much better than I feared!
I guess “Frustrated FCC Unable To Stop Use Of Word 'Friggin’” is outdated and “meh” now? Overall, this was a strong issue and a lot of fun to read through.
What would be done differently today?
“Teens 'Going To Town' With Restaurant Comment Cards” is a great story, but it would require some updates for modern technology (and some of the word usage within).
“Girlfriend Dumped After Forwarding Stupid Link” would need some modifications, but the premise is great.
Thank you
I appreciate everyone for being here. Next week, we’ll look back at the game Virtua Fighter, Sen. Joe Lieberman, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s electoral victory and much more.
I live across the street from a construction site for the Maryland Purple Line, which is a good transit idea but will open 5-6 years late and billions over budget. As someone who doesn’t have a car, America’s inability to build transit well or at a reasonable cost is disheartening.
I’m surprised this is the 1st Cheap Trick mention since 2001’s “Garage Band Actually Believes There Is A 'Terre Haute Sound.”
Between the pirate and my man Smoove, I’m satisfied! Thank you!