20 years ago, The Onion featured an angry lobster
Talking animals are my favorite type of Onion story. We also have Ronald Reagan, Vladimir Putin, Lynyrd Skynrd and an NPR listener who explores the common man's life.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 6, 2002.
How are we all doing after the clocks moved back? Today, we’re got a solid issue. The joke-writing is well-written and well-structured, even if it didn’t make me laugh as much as usual. Also, we have my favorite type of Onion story — a talking animal.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 41, the 124th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.
The unfortunate front-page headline “Prisoner Sort Of Expected To Get Raped More Often” is no longer online.
Weirdly, last week’s top story, “Kevin Bacon Linked To Al-Qaeda,” is mistakenly listed on today’s Issue 41 webpage.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
My assumptions when I saw the headline “Republicans Mount Campaign To Rename Alzheimer's 'Reagan's Disease'“ were as follows: The article would really bash the GOP, make cheap jokes about forgetful Ronald Reagan, and that it was based on a real-life 2002 attempt to name something after him.
All of those assumptions were wrong! The arguments for renaming this disease are political, yes, but also somewhat earnest. There’s commentary on Reagan, but not really mocking him for his condition. And while Congress named a bunch of stuff after Reagan (such as the D.C. airport). that was mostly in the 1990s.
The article is well-structured — it’s basically a newspaper article about congressional proceedings. The parody isn’t obvious; you figure it out through context clues.
A few other observations:
This type of story is hard to do well. Lesser parody sites try this, and while they usually land the joke, they mess up the “generic news article” part. You have to believe you’re reading a bizarro version of The Associated Press or USA Today.
The acronym of the lobbying group is delightful: American Ronald Reagan Recognition Group (ARRRG),
Everyone happily says Reagan had Alzheimer’s during his presidency, including ARRRG and Reagan’s (fictional) personal physician:
"When someone drives past the Ronald W. Reagan Federal Courthouse in Santa Ana or Ronald Reagan High School in San Antonio, they are reminded of the contributions of this great man," ARRRG spokesman James Andrusko said. "How fitting it would be to name this disease after Reagan, who has so valiantly battled it since the early 1980s."
This is a solid lead article. And it mostly holds up today, I think? I don’t love the questionable assumption that Reagan had full-blown Alzheimer’s throughout his presidency. But it’s undeniable that political parties love to rename things after their presidents, and the GOP especially loves naming stuff after Reagan.
“India's Top Physicists Develop Plan To Get The Hell Out Of India” feels very dated in the stereotype that India is an impoverished backwater with nothing going for it except nuclear weapons.
That stereotype was probably wrong then and is obviously false today, regardless of the challenges still facing India.1 The Onion tries to mask this by having the physicists complain about India's poverty and dysfunction.
I’ve previously written about The Onion citing real physicists like Stephen Hawking or Fermilab scientists. So I was curious: Who are these physicists? And I went down a rabbit hole.
Some of these scientists are real — giants in their fields. Others aren’t real scientists but are real-life people. I’m left wondering whether these are Easter eggs or The Onion haphazardly reusing names. Please forgive this tangent, but I want to walk through these guys:
Kolluru Sree Krishna is a real-life geophysicist who won the 2001 Shanti Swarup Bhatnagar Prize.
The Onion, however, says that 2001 prize went to fictional physicist Birendra Chattopadhyay, who is named after … a 20th century Bengali poet (probably unintentionally).
Prashant Goswami is accurately listed as a scientist at Centre for Mathematical Modeling and Computer Simulation. He also won a major science prize in 2001.
Amitabha Patel is purely fictional.
Li Hongzhi is a Chinese expat physicist in Germany. That’s also the name of the founder of Falun Gong (and the Epoch Times), who fled China after the government crackdown.
So … I think The Onion was like, “Who are award-winning Indian scientists?” and then threw in other names.
Anyways, I like that the code name for this effort is “the Manhattan Or Maybe London Project”. The photo above of the mathematical formula is amusing. And the article ends on a good quote:
"There still remain many questions I wish to answer," Chattopadhyay said. "Is Nature supersymmetric, and if so, how is supersymmetry broken? Why does the universe appear to have one time and three space dimensions? And do I really have to wait another four weeks to get out of this godforsaken place?"
The front page photos
Every Onion print edition had a couple of headlines with a photo but no other text. The Nov. 6, 2002, issue had 2 great headline/photo offerings.
“Dog Doesn't Realize He Just Graduated”: Congrats to this confused dog. I do not like when we pretend animals understand our celebrations, so this headline spoke to me. (I know this is a silly dislike, and I don’t disrupt people’s animal celebrations or anything.)
The dog graduation is actually OK. What I really don’t like is when TV announcers pretend racehorses have any clue. The horse does not know it won (or lost) the Triple Crown, much less that Secretariat is the GOAT.
“Mesquite BBQ Visine Selling Poorly Outside Texas” is another easy stereotype, but what a great visual! Nice job by The Onion’s designers.
Other real-life news
I’d forgotten about “The Russian Theater Raid,” in which well over 100 hostage-takers and hostages were killed after a multi-day standoff. Russian forces flooded the theater with chemical gas to end the stalemate. Amazingly, the death of dozens of hostages was an early political win for Vladimir Putin!
Anyways, The Onion asks ordinary Americans what they think. There’s a joke about the Russian play “Nord-Ost” and this quote from a Russian official:
"I trust that the Russians handled this correctly. No doubt we'll soon learn that every gas victim was actually a Chechen collaborator. Yes. This is what we will find."
Oleg Yashin • Russian Official
Also, The Onion marked the 25th anniversary of “The Lynyrd Skynyrd Crash.” I guess this was a big deal?
Some of these jokes are stereotypes, although I do like “Seeing film Sweet Home Alabama” and the joke about all the bands claiming to be the “real” Skynyrd2.
Area People doing Area Things
The first thing I noticed about “Second-Grade Teacher Overhyping Third Grade” was that incredible “teacher during the holidays” sweater. Also, that boy’s overalls.
This 2nd-grade teacher, April Niles, seems unconcerned with 2nd grade, mostly focusing on how 3rd grade’s high standards for behavior and math:
"You'd all better get your subtraction down, because next year you're going to need it for long division," said Niles, seeking to quell student chatter during a math lesson. "You're going to be dividing single-digit numbers into three-digit numbers, which requires subtraction, and I know for a fact that Mrs. Shuler is not going to wait for you to catch up on things you should've learned this year."
Way to pass the buck to Mrs. Shuler!
I enjoyed 2nd and 3rd grades, but I don’t remember them being particularly different from each other. I was definitely bored with how easy the math was back then, although I never took calculus, much less higher-level math.
The Onion also interviews the 3rd-grade teacher. She’s equally worried about the next year:
I just want them to come in with good attitudes and open minds, because I have a lot to teach them before they get to the really hard stuff in the fourth grade."
“Frat-Guy Boyfriend Not Like The Other Frat Guys” is set at the real Sigma (Phi) Epsilon fraternity at the University of Kansas.
Christine Errico says that Troy Ausmus isn’t like other frat guys because he has a career path lined up, claims to want a committed relationship and sets aside one night a week for just the two of them. He also objects to rude behavior — well, kind of:
If one of his brothers makes some lewd comment or something, Troy will tell him to cool it when I'm around.
The frat president, Todd Bohnert, also has praise for Troy:
"Troy's a total player," Bohnert said. "These days, it's some chick named, I think, Christine. He's always talking about what a great lay she is and all the crazy shit she likes to do in bed. He's so smooth, it's sick. He knows exactly what they want to hear."
Poor Christine. I’m curious how readers who were in a frat (or went to their parties) feel about this story. My college was fairly small and had no frats, so I don’t have any firsthand connection.
Other Area People stories include:
“Vacationer Checks Weather Report For Hometown”: Smartphones ruin this joke, but I bet a lot of people do this with weather apps.
“Director's Commentary For One Night At McCool's Trails Off After 20 Minutes”: I’ve never heard of this film. But what a cast!
“Hippie Very Involved In Hippie Non-Sports”: This is a good joke, but is unicycling a hippie sport?
“Teen Anxious For Cigarette Addiction To Kick In”: Feels like a 1990s story?
“Tract Writer Cites God, Jack Chick As Influences”: This is a really interesting reference in that millions of people were deeply familiar with Christian tracts and Jack Chick, whereas other people (me!) were deeply confused. That’s OK! Credit to The Onion for a cultural reference that isn’t some 2002 fad or celebrity.
“Former Couple To Remain Friends Until One Finds New Sex Partner”: The Onion had a lot of post-breakup jokes in fall 2002. This one is perfectly written — shorter sometimes is better.
Were the infographics good?
The fat-free/reduced-fat trend probably peaked in the 1990s with Snackwell and other brands. By the early 2000s, we were starting to see the backlash began.
“Worst-Selling Fat-Free Foods” doesn’t address any of that controversy. And that’s OK, because these are solid jokes and puns. “Vegetables” actually surprised me (in a good way).
Also, great job with the “Bland ‘N’ Pointy Fat-Free Candy” illustration.
What columnists ran?
“Just Wait 'Til I Get These Fucking Rubber Bands Off” is a fine addition to the “talking animals” category of The Onion. Freddie the Lobster is furious, as he should be.
He also sort of talks like a mobster. Freddie is just as angry about human portrayals of lobsters as he is about, you know, being boiled alive:
So come on. Take the rubber bands off. Take them off, Mr. Fancy. I'm feeling salty. Mano a mano, sucker. Let's go.
Leaving them on, huh? I knew it. I knew you were too big a coward to square off with me on a level playing field. And giving me to your woman to play with first! That takes the cake. Say, is that supposed to be me on your bib? It better fucking not be. I've never worn a fruity mustache or a fucking chef's hat in my life. Or rubber bands, either. I'd kill you with my two bare claws, if only I had the chance.
Freddie is defiant to the end. I applaud whoever’s imagination led to this column.
Our other column is “I'll Try Anything With A Detached Air Of Superiority,” which is written by a male graduate of Wesleyan with a degree in comparative literature who listens to NPR. I could stop there, I guess.
Christopher Peavey likes to participate in things he can make fun of, like bowling. Although he’s maybe protesting too much. He shows up with a personalized bowling shirt and actually enjoys himself:
Never in my life have I had such a great time participating in townie culture while simultaneously sneering at it from a distance.
What Peavey doesn’t realize is that he authentically enjoys “the mundane things” — browsing rummage sales, eating McDonald’s, collecting Paint-By-Numbers pictures, riding on Greyhound — even as he pretends these activities prove his superiority.
This column could easily be politicized in 2022, and I get that. But I think it’s about a simpler argument: While there are legitimate divides between highbrow and lowbrow culture, between city life and rural life, the actual hobbies they enjoy can be pretty fun if you bother to try them.
That’s my very hot take at the end of a long week, y’all.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Libra because it reminds me how big this video game was when I was in college:
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars would love to help you realize your cosmic destiny, but they got their copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and it's freakin' awesome.
What holds up best?
This issue really leans on stereotypes. But while “Former Couple To Remain Friends Until One Finds New Sex Partner” could be called a stereotype, it’s also a great joke about human relationships that’s relatively timeless.
What holds up worst?
That front-page headline about prison rape is not great. Also, this horoscope:
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
In spite of your complaints about how undignified it was and your repeated professions of shame, you still kind of enjoyed sleeping with the fat girl.
I’m not going to say you can never make jokes about these topics, but these jokes are not particularly clever or original. The bar is higher.
What would be done differently today?
That Reagan story would have such a different tone, I imagine. And probably involve Donald Trump.
Also, the fraternity story feels rather toothless in 2022 given what we know about college behavior. But I’m skeptical that a graphic story about frat parties can be made funny (or is worth the effort).
Thank you
Grateful to have y’all here. Next week, The Onion explores the midterm elections, violent video games, Marxism and the Supreme Court’s sex life.
In business alone, some of the world’s richest people are Indian, and a lot of big U.S. companies have Indian-born CEOs.
The list of Lynyrd Skynyrd band members is absurdly long.