20 years ago, The Onion ended God's monopoly and welcomed political fighting
We also have more Enron, "Sex in the City" fever, the mystery of Krispy Kreme and the return of Herbert Kornfeld
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Jan. 30, 2002.
This was a fun issue — a few headlines I remembered vividly from 2002, a few items that feel 100 years old, and one story that’s similar to something The Onion published just this week.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 03, the 89th Onion issue of the 2000s and the 88th issue of new content. Here is the website as it looked in 2002, 2012 and today.
Standard disclaimer: Some stories are missing from today’s website, and the old photos/images are mostly gone. I reproduce as many as I can each week.
One front-page headline that’s no longer online is “Man Wishes He Were 15 Years Younger Or Woman Were Two Years Older.” I don’t know if it’s a classic, per se, but its genius is how you have to read between the lines.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities” is a fun antitrust story, possibly another Onion reaction to the Microsoft case, which was in settlement talks.
God’s own words in the Bible are used against him as the government successfully argues that God has unfairly gamed the deity marketplace, as even his “Holy Trinity” is composed of 2 “subsidiaries” in Jesus and the Holy Ghost, not true equals.
God’s lawyers made populist counterarguments, to no avail:
"He readily admits to being a 'jealous' God, not because He is threatened by the prospect of competition from other gods, but because He is utterly convinced of the righteousness of His cause and that He is the best choice for mortals. Many of these so-called gods could care less if somebody bears false witness or covets thy neighbor's wife. Our client, on the other hand, is truly a 'People's God.'"
A priest warns of the “mercurial nature” of lesser gods who focus on specific things, like the sun, moon, wine, etc. The biggest beneficiary of those mercurial gods? Zeus!
"Every good idea He ever had He took from me: Who first created men in his own image? Who punished mankind for its sins? Who lived eternally up in the clouds? And the whole fearsome, patriarchal, white-beard, thunderbolt thing? I was doing that eons before this two-bit hustler started horning in on the action."
There are so many good details: the legalese, The Onion’s classic God photo, the judge-like name of Charles Elliot Schofield, Zeus being not cool. The infographic is excellent — it feels like a real newspaper explainer rather than a list of jokes, which probably is funnier than The Onion trying to be cute.
And while The Onion is clearly defaulting to a Christian-like God, I think that works because this article lives in a universe with many gods, all of whom are rivals competing for worshippers.
Also noteworthy: Just this past Friday, Jan. 28, 2022, The Onion published another “God breaking up” story — “Jesus Christ Starts Rival Eternal Paradise After Family Rift.” The Holy Ghost is not mentioned in this story.
Post-9/11 news
“Nation Welcomes Return Of Good Old-Fashioned Partisan Bickering” feels different to me in 2022, maybe because bickering is the constant state of affairs. That said, this story was probably effective in 2002 because everyone was living through that weird, uncertain era between 9/11 and the Iraq War.
But looking back, The Onion’s version of Robert Novak sounds like a dark visionary rather than a parody:
"American politics are just as ineffectual, small-minded, and short-sighted as always," Robert Novak said Saturday on CNN's The Capital Gang. "If there's one thing the terrorists cannot take away, it is our capacity for infighting. If we just pull together to get through this crisis, I have every faith that we will come apart as we always do."
This quote also feels like how people actually think nowadays — or at least, how people post on social media:
"When I saw all those Senate members locking arms to sing 'God Bless America' right after Sept. 11, I cried," said Jane Svoboda, 37, an Ashland, OR, homemaker. "It was almost as if the words 'Democrat' and 'Republican' didn't mean anything anymore.”
Lots of congressmen and senators mentioned here, including then-Speaker, now-felon Dennis Hastert, plus then-head of Harvard’s School of Government Joseph Nye.
Other real-life news
With “Sex and the City” being back in the news, it’s been interesting to see The Onion mention the show twice in January 2002. This week, we have “Magazine Says You Have Sex And The City Fever,” which is a great way to make fun of the show and celebrity magazines.
The Onion investigated “The Enron Scandal” for the 3rd straight week, this time asking people on the street about congressional hearings. The answers are cynical — as they should have been! Here’s my favorite, a fairly standard joke that still made me laugh:
"This marks the end of an era of innocence for our nation's massive energy concerns."
Buddy Jessup • Landscaper
Speaking of innocence, The Onion also had an infographic about Super Bowl halftime shows. But this was before Janet Jackson’s breast forever changed America, so it’s just a bunch of random jokes.
Random or not, I laughed at the Sidney Poitier and Sylvester Stallone jokes, albeit for different reasons. And I would have loved a George Orwell halftime show, maybe with that Apple ad playing immediately afterward.
The real-life 2002 halftime show wasn’t far off from The Onion’s joke, with U2 performing alongside a 9/11 tribute. And get this — Janet Jackson would have performed if not for the terrorists!
Area People doing Area Things
I’m loving the early 2002 issues because The Onion is more like a small-town paper, not a national political magazine chasing real-life headlines. Let’s start with the two longform “local” articles.
“Lesbian Identity Ends Abruptly Mid-Junior Year” is the story that most screams “Hey, it’s 2002!”
Everything in this article is discussed (and debated!) differently today, including the vocabulary, the defining of orientation and whether a story about a college lesbian-ish would even be relevant for The Onion today. Separately, I imagine a younger musician would be name-checked instead of Ani DiFranco? Sorry, Ani.
Weirdly, you could argue that The Onion’s photos of Amanda Oppel are the most out-of-date aspect of this story. Those 2 photos are meant to clearly identify a lesbian and a straight woman. But in 2022, all I see are two bad outfits! Jokes aside, the outfits today have more in common as being “early 2000s apparel” than anything else.
The article itself is a decent article about college life, especially how some people try to change themselves in college. I imagine The Onion staff is also poking fun at the University of Wisconsin but setting the story at Oberlin College.
As with anything in life, money might have played a role in Oppel’s transformation:
According to friends, Heenan-Lynn started getting "weird vibes" from Oppel upon her return from a December trip to Barbados with her father, investment banker Jonathan Oppel, 55, and his new wife Cassie, 31. … She also reportedly spent a great deal of time with fellow travelers and close family friends Greg and Karen Garner, and even more with their son Brad, 23, heir to the Garner office-supply empire.
For what it’s worth, I was in college in 2002 but I don’t have any deep insights here. If I ever saw anything similar to this, I’ve forgotten the details.
“Waitress Punished For Sins Of The World” has an amazing photo caption and is a harrowing tale of undeserved abuse suffered by a woman making $2.13 an hour plus tips.
Jennifer Marsh is recognized for her suffering, although no one is helping her. In fact, others are profiting off of her!
Rev. Pernell Hardwick, author of The Waitress On The Cross: Jennifer Marsh As Secular Christ Figure (Pantheon Books1, $12.95), said Marsh functions as a modern-day Jesus.
…
Added Hardwick: "Of course, while the similarities between Marsh and Christ are obvious, comparisons to Job would be equally apt."
This story works for me because people are lousy to waitresses (I know, “servers” is probably the more 2022 word) and for no good reason. The funny is in the tragedy.
Other “Area People” stories this week included:
“French Teacher Forces Student To Inform Her Of Bathroom Fire In French” was a favorite of mine in 2002 and still works today. I like that the French teacher’s reply to news of a fire is (according to Google Translate): “In French. If there's a fire in the toilet, tell me in your own language. Okay?”
“Comeback Much Harsher Than Insult” is another 20-year-old headline I remember well. I’m glad The Onion gave this a paragraph and not just the headline.
“Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Described To Sioux City Relatives2” feels out of date. Like, this feels like a 1990s sitcom plot where there’s no internet or smartphones so you’re stuck trying to explain a food with your words.
“ER Doctor Secretly Thinks Of Self As Ward's George Clooney”: My quibble here is that only 1 ER doctor in this story thinks he is Clooney-esque. Doctors are not known for lacking ego. Nurse Patricia Wyndham really burns Dr. Andrew Lassiter by saying he’s “more like Mercy's Dr. Romano.”
Were the infographics good?
I mentioned last week how The Onion was ignoring President George W. Bush and the upcoming Salt Lake City Winter Olympics. Well, both of them are mentioned in “Where Is The Olympic Torch This Week?”
The extra digs at the person with disabilities and the Native American person feel like The Onion trying to mock the torch process but misfiring.
This is also the first time I’ve seen Catherine Bell mentioned in probably 15 years.3
What columnists ran?
I’ll talk briefly about “I Think I'll Pay Way Too Much For Quality Fashion Eyewear” because I’m much more excited about the other column.
The entire conceit of the column is that the author has never heard of Lenscrafters! Credit to The Onion for getting several hundred words out of this one joke. It’s not a bad read, but you have to like the type of joke where every paragraph is seemingly saying, “Get it? GET IT??”
If you haven’t read regular Onion columnist Herbert Kornfeld, you will be in for a shock. Imagine if Steve Carell’s Michael Scott was doing his “Prison Mike” persona, mixed with a bit of his rapping — but that was his actual personality.
I’m betting Herbert Kornfeld is not popular among this newsletter’s readers. I get it! He’d be a horrible idea today! But I can appreciate how over-the-top The Onion was with Kornfeld’s vocabulary and his “white guy as misguided gangsta stereotypes” personality. The commitment to the bit helps, even if ultimately the concept was so off-book that The Onion killed him off in 2007.
“Take This Job And Love It” once again finds Herbert talking about the accounting game at Midstate Office Supply. There’s also an extra meaning to the headline this week. It’s a play on David Allan Coe’s song “Take This Job And Shove It” and Coe’s in the front-page headline “David Allan Coe Waiting Outside To Kick Your Ass.”
Kornfeld’s old accounting protege is back in town from Cornell University. Kornfeld is proud of his time with “ACO-LYTE” and remembers his skill:
He took to my teachin' well, and in no time, he wuz practically mah right-hand man at Midstate. Tha A.R. bruthahs called him "Tha Addin' Machine," because even though he wuz still underage, he krunched numbahs faster than a Power Mac G4. But I didn't call Mike no "Addin' Machine." I gave him the dope moniker "ACO-LYTE," cuz he wuz practically my protégé, jus' like I wuz to CPA-ONE back in tha day, when I accounted freestyle on tha streetz wit' him as mah mentor.
The reunion goes poorly. The protege has left accounting and gives Kornfeld a spiel on “wage-slave mentality,” how Midstate should be unionized and how Kornfeld’s rivalry with accounts payable is management’s way of dividing the workforce.
(Is this a “Great Resignation” article?)
Worst of all, the protege calls accounting “boring.”
Afta walking out of Lums, tha A.R. posse wuz still holdin' me down as ACO-LYTE hustled to his hoopty. "It saddens me that we can't have a civilized conversation about this, Herbert," he say as he pull away. "Someday you'll finally learn that you can't solve your problems by whipping out your letter opener every time somebody disagrees with you."
Ah, the simpler times when a good letter-opener stabbing was de rigueur.
What was the best horoscope?
The Onion seemingly had a real problem with 1960s liberals in January 2002, with Taurus adding to the pile-on:
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your misguided, hippie efforts to tie-dye a cat will finally see success, but at an unspeakable cost.
What holds up best?
I hate to say it, but “Nation Welcomes Return Of Good Old-Fashioned Partisan Bickering” feels too real.
I also love “Stack Of Unread New Yorkers Celebrates One-Year Anniversary” as someone who got a gift subscription this Christmas and has barely touched the 3 issues I’ve gotten.
What holds up worst?
Herbert Kornfeld shows up here every time, I feel like.
What would be done differently today?
The “lesbian identity” story would be done differently. The Onion today could build on a generic gist of that article — somebody doing things to get attention but not really being committed or even honest about the cause. But maybe it’s for the best. In 2022, how The Onion compete with real-life events like Balloon Boy, Rachel Dolezal and a million social media hoaxes.
Hell, as I finish this column, we don’t even know whether Tom Brady is actually retired!
Also, there was again very little mention of national politics, which would not be the case today.
Thank you
Grateful to all of you. It’s been a long month of work, but this column doesn’t feel like work. Glad to have y’all along, and please share the newsletter — or The Onion links themselves —if you think someone would enjoy this look back in time.
See you next week!
Tie dyed cat -- classic onion! Today, PETA would demand censoring.