20 years ago, The Onion warned of Canada-India conflict
Big news! "Encyclopedia" Brown has been murdered, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are breaking up, the U.S. divests from children and reunites church and state, and a double entendre goes wrong.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Sept. 24, 2003.
This is one of my favorite issues of 2003. Plus, The Onion accidentally predicted Canada and India’s diplomatic row 20 years early!
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 37, the 164th new Onion issue of the 2000s. There’s no archive of the 2003 website once again. Here’s what the website looked like in 2013 and today.
The front-page headlines “Black Eye For The White Guy Cable’s Newest Hit” and “Eiffel Tower Washes Up On Delaware Beach” are no longer online.
The 1st headline, of course, is a play on “Queer Eye,” which debuted in July 2003.
The Eiffel Tower joke is wonderfully obscure — Delaware suffered flooding damage in September 2003 from Tropical Storm Henri.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
If you’re unfamiliar with the ongoing news story, India and Canada are at loggerheads. Canada’s government has accused India of assassinating prominent Sikh separatist Hardeep Singh Nijjar, a Canadian citizen killed in Canada. (India, for what it’s worth, says Nijjar was a terrorist who led a banned militant group).
In recent days, both countries expelled a top diplomat, and India suspended visas for Canadians. Another factor is that Canada has the largest Sikh population outside India and occasionally questions India’s treatment of this group.
In The Onion’s universe, “Canada, India Sheepishly Resolve Border Dispute” is simpler and stupider: Both countries forgot they don’t share a border, much less need a “demilitarized buffer zone.”1
No one is sure how the conflict began, but once it was set into motion, the two countries' demands became increasingly forceful. Last week, India insisted, under threat of war, that Canada withdraw its troops from the "disputed zone." Canada responded with a counter-demand that India remove its own troops from the "disputed zone."
Tensions neared the flash point Sept. 20, when units of the Indian 77th Light Infantry2 and the Canadian 44th "Wild Geese" Armored Cavalry assembled and glared across the borders, in each other's directions, for several hours. Throughout the standoff, both nations rejected U.N. offers of counsel.
The Onion quotes Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien and Indian President Abdul Kalam, as well as a fictional Canadian official, Assistant Foreign Affairs Minister Gerard Tollifer.
Meanwhile, we get a rare appearance from U.N. chief Kofi Annan, who is hiding his face a la LeBron James during the All-Star draft:
"We are all pleased that these two nations were able to resolve their differences," said U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, hiding his mouth behind a manila file folder. "We congratulate Canada and India on whatever they did to solve the conflict over their…their… border."
The Bush administration was busy!
The Onion’s top story for Sept. 24, 2003, was “U.S. Government To Discontinue Long-Term, Low-Yield Investment In Nation's Youth.”
This is a complicated joke. The Onion re-imagines children as something akin to long-term Treasury bonds, except the U.S. government wants higher-yield investments. Also, The Onion clearly dislikes President George W. Bush’s education policies, including No Child Left Behind funding and school vouchers.
There’s a classic investment analogy that (roughly) judges investments by asking whether they can beat the market — e.g., if you put the money in an S&P 500 index fund and forgot about it, would you do better?
As far as Treasury Secretary John Snow3 is concerned, children deliver terrible ROI:
Snow compared funneling money into public schools, youth programs, and child health-care clinics to letting the nation's money languish in a low-interest savings account.
"This is taxpayer money we're talking about," Snow said. "We can't keep pouring it into slow-growth ventures, speculating on a minuscule payout some time in the future."
This graphic is damning: Kids are expensive and might not even finish school! Note how the Citizens for Immediate Profits paid for this ad.
Education Secretary Rod Paige is surprisingly in favor:
"The proposed plan actually includes increased investments in vouchers for private schools," Paige said. "Through the years, we've seen consistent returns from blue-chip schools."
In addition, Paige said Republican leaders are investing record levels of federal money in support of President Bush's No Child Left Behind program, which calls for expanded testing, higher-quality teachers, and greater achievement among students, particularly those in poor districts.
I’m no expert in educational policy, but The Onion offers a rich satire of the idea that education (and all government) should be treated exactly like a business investment.
Education wasn’t the only thing the Bush administration did this week! Somehow, “Church, State Joyfully Reunite After 230-Year Trial Separation.”4 Of course, Attorney General John Ashcroft announces this change.
“Effective Oct. 15, prayer will be mandatory in public schools and congressional sessions will open with Holy Communion.”
Other political stories included:
“U.S. Invades Non-Oil-Rich Nation To Dispel Criticism” sacrifices poor Luxembourg in a 45-minute war. Also, Grand Duke Henri de Luxembourg is due to be executed.
The Onion asked people, “Should Arafat Be Removed?” I enjoyed this alternate universe where Yasser Arafat becomes a fashion icon:
"Arafat should get out of politics. It would give him time to focus on his Baby AraPhat line of Palestinian urban wear."
Jon Daly • Waiter
Area People doing Area Things
“Actress Excited To Land Eating-Disorder Ad” is quintessentially early 2000s — the casual jokes about eating disorders, the outfit worn in that photo, the reference to Rachael Leigh Cook’s famous PSA.
I’d say 2 things before you click through: 1. The jokes about thinness are unpleasantly casual. 2. It’s a damning indictment of American culture in the late 1990s/early 2000s, but that makes it less funny today.
The Onion is satirizing our culture’s obsession with being skinny at all costs, especially for young actresses. The genius — and the problem? — is this barely reads like satire:
"The cool thing is that I'll be helping to make a difference," Astor said. "Besides appearing in the TV ads, I'll also be on billboards and the sides of buses. Everyone in the country will see me as the super-skinny girl."
"This will look really good on my résumé," Astor added. "I tried to pick glossies that were flattering, but this will definitely help drive home the point that I can play thin."
I like the resume The Onion’s created for this 22-year-old:
She has modeled sporadically and worked as an extra on several daytime soap operas, and also appeared in two commercials, portraying Smiling Woman #4 in a Gap ad and a fungicidal-cream user for Lamisil.
Also, the fictional actress in this article is named Bianca Astor. Googling this generates many results for a late-1990s/early-2000s adult film star. Hmm … I have questions for The Onion staffer who wrote this!
A fun surprise in this issue was “Idaville Detective 'Encyclopedia' Brown Found Dead In Library Dumpster,” even though I never read Encyclopedia Brown! Thankfully, this Onion article is incredibly faithful to the children’s book series, with one twist — Brown grew up and is 49 years old.
Sadly, Brown has been brutally murdered:
Police discovered Brown's badly beaten, nearly decapitated body after the detective failed to respond to routine radio check-in calls. Pages from Brown's battered casebook, which contained such cryptic entries as "Whales are mammals, not fish," and "Dinosaurs and cavemen did not live at the same time," were found stuffed in the detective's mouth.
Brown was still charging 25 cents per case until his death. Meanwhile, the other characters grew up, too:
Longtime Brown antagonist Bugs Meany is the police commissioner, succeeding Brown’s father.
Sally Kimball is Brown’s ex-wife.
Maggie DeLong, the thief in “The Case of the Stolen Tape” from this 1982 collection, mourns Brown’s death and vows to help catch his killer.
An anonymous source suggests looking at The Tigers, a local gang.
The article ends with, “For the answer to this story, turn to page 76.”
This article is so good that it’s mentioned in “Encyclopedia” Brown’s Wikipedia page and obituaries for series creator Donald J. Sobol, among other places.
Other Area People items in this issue include:
“Area Woman Can't Bring Herself To Pardon Store's Appearance”: A simple joke about Nordstrom posting a “Pardon Our Appearance” sign.
“Tenants Forced To Clean Apartment Before Telling Landlord About Mice”: I love the last line, suggesting a history of tenant troubles:
“Paucek last avoided the landlord's criticism by removing the grill and charred couch before asking him to replace the porch.”
“Double-Entendre Doesn't Stand Up To Scrutiny”: The phrase is “I'll bet you'll water her plants while she's away.”
The Onion also had 2 front-page headlines with photos.
“Wildfire Somehow Rages Back Into Control” is simple wordplay, but sometimes that’s all you need.
“25-Pound Ham Wedged In Parents' Refrigerator”: Hard to write anything funnier than that visual.
Were the infographics good?
Some Onion jokes can feel ancient 20 years later, even if they remain funny. This is especially true for celebrity news such as 2002’s “Handlers Desperate To Prevent Tara Reid Political Awakening.”
That said, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez remain as relevant as ever. I can’t wait for their next breakup.
A couple of notes:
“The Curse of the Bambino” was a real TV documentary, airing 1 year before the Boston Red Sox finally won the World Series.
The breakup wasn’t official until January 2004.
I like the broken-heart emojis next to each joke.
“Why Are We So Late?” is wonderfully silly. I appreciate the “Grand Theft Auto” reference — this was the era of “Grand Theft Auto III” and “Vice City.”
“Bus explosion blew us in wrong direction” also made me laugh.
What columnists ran?
Jean Teasdale is back with “Personal Magnet-ism,” which is literally about refrigerator magnets. Jean has so many magnets that most “rarely see active duty”:
I'm very particular about how I use my fridge magnets. For example, when I put up dessert recipes, I secure them with chocolate-kiss magnets. If I'm displaying Thanksgiving recipes, I use my little plastic cornucopia. A clipping from a women's magazine that points out how one size does not fit all is held up with a high-heeled shoe. And the Claritin5 magnet I got from my doctor is the only one I'll use for medical appointment cards and prescriptions—no exceptions!
Also, Jean’s husband, Rick, is being a jackass as usual — but the readership loves him:
In a previous column, I made the mistake of describing how Rick threw a geode at our TV set. (He did it after some Sunday-afternoon sports show prematurely cut away from a Winston Cup race to the Dinah Shore Golf Classic.) I received more letters about that stupid geode story than I've received for anything else I've ever written. Almost everyone demanded that Rick take over my column. Now, wait a second, people! I'm not even sure Rick can write! Besides, destroying a television is hardly admirable behavior—it was rent-to-own, and we still had eight payments left!
Why are Jean’s readers like this?
There are 2 references that illustrate a shift in cultural references over the past 20 years. In 2003, Americans knew of NASCAR’s championship as the Winston Cup and the long-running golf tournament named after Dinah Shore.
But 2003 was the last year R.J. Reynolds sponsored NASCAR. And the women’s golf tournament hasn’t featured Dinah Shore’s name since 1999 — it’s now the Chevron Championship.
Anyways, poor Jean. Rick is featured at bikini car washes and bar specials, while she’s getting nothing but parking tickets.
Our other columnist is “I Assume My Reputation For Arrogant Presumption Precedes Me.” This writing is infuriatingly good.
Carl Underberg shows up an hour late, immediately bosses everyone around while talking about his greatness, albeit with many self-interruptions:
A few quick words on the subject of my egotism, since I know how much you all must admire it. Ah, my precious egotism. What can be said that has not already been said by others, albeit less mellifluously? My ostentation is truly without parallel. I was placed on this earth by the loving hand of God as a gift for lower gentry to look up to and emulate.
People have many bad things to say about Carl’s personality, but he embraces them as part of being a “rare and beautiful gem.” Also, while he’s open to workplace romance, he must initiate it. Finally, he expects full devotion during this project:
For the next six to eight weeks, my needs are more vital than your needs. Let me put it in terms simple enough for dullards like you to grasp: I am more important than you. Therefore, you and I both care much more about me than we do about anybody else, especially you.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Sagittarius, although I wish we were told the historical reason!
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will discover a sound historical reason why we drive on parkways and park on driveways, but people will choose to cling to smug ignorance.
Honorable mention to Cancer for yet like the 5th or 6th workplace romance horoscope of 2003:
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
This is a great week for romance at work, which is a mixed blessing for all of you down there at the old slaughterhouse.
What holds up best?
I really liked this issue. “Idaville Detective 'Encyclopedia' Brown Found Dead In Library Dumpster” feels as relevant today as in 2003, especially if you read the books.
What holds up worst?
“Actress Excited To Land Eating-Disorder Ad” accurately reflects how American society talked about eating disorders and how actresses and models should look — that doesn’t mean we need to return to that.
What would be done differently today?
Weirdly, this is a super-current issue: Stories about Bennifer, Canada and India, and whatever the U.S. government is doing.
Sadly, today’s Onion doesn’t have much room for columnists like Jean Teasdale.
Thank you
Grateful to have y’all here. Next week, we’ll see The Onion as Luddites, rejoicing in a nationwide Internet outage.
India has buffer zones with China, which also were a diplomatic flashpoint in 2023.
This was a World War II division. I believe the Canadian unit is fictional, although Irish-origin foreign units were called Wild Geese.
In real life, John Snow was in the Middle East during this time.
Interestingly, August 2003’s “The Ten Commandments Ruling” also touched on separation of church and state, with this quote:
"At the rate the liberals are going, it won't be long before our country has an official policy mandating the separation of church and state."
Stanley Welty • Systems Analyst
Claritin’s makers essentially invented the modern idea of prescription drug TV advertising.
Because you asked, parkways are so-called because they traverse a scenic area such as a park.
The Encyclopedia Brown article is a classic. I love Meany's "alibi"!
Did not know that Claritin was behind the whole drug advertising phenomenon!