20 years ago, The Onion mocked John Glenn, 'Kickboxer' and more
The Onion also explores executives who want their fair-trade coffee, Smoove B asking for one more chance, strip club DEI, music fandom and much more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit July 28, 2004.
I’ve been traveling all week, so this one’s publishing later in the evening than normal. Thanks for sticking with me for over 200(!) issues of this newsletter. I’m thrilled to discuss the infamous Onion column “Where The Fuck Is Diane With My Fair-Trade Coffee?” Plus, there’s the return of my favorite columnist, Smoove B.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 30, the 202nd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today. Above is the website from 2004.
These front-page headlines are no longer online:
“Flaming Bag Of Shit Intended For Apartment 314”
“Second Amendment Advocate Shoots His Mouth Off”
“Brand Name Trusted”1
I’m sad that “Flaming Bag Of Shit Intended For Apartment 314” has been completely forgotten. What a wonderfully silly old-school Onion headline.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“John Glenn Installed In Smithsonian” is an interesting satire by The Onion because Glenn was (and is) revered as a space pioneer and public servant. He wasn’t just some former senator who could be attacked (Keating Five scandal aside); he was also one of the most famous and respected Americans of the 20th century.
The Onion plays into that angle, instead. Glenn is so monumental that he should literally be on display alongside his Mercury space capsule and other flying machines:
The NASM will display Glenn in his original 1962-vintage flight suit, which he wore for his historic orbital space flight, until December 2004. Beginning next year, Glenn will alternate monthly between his 1962 and 1998 spacesuits. On occasions of historic import, Glenn will be displayed in appropriate livery, such as his WWII flight suit, his Korean War full-dress uniform, or the navy-blue and gray suits he wore during his four terms in the Senate.
There are currently no plans to decorate Glenn for the holidays, during which time the museum is considering allowing him to visit family, as part of a special touring exhibit.
Ever a patriot, Glenn is willing to serve: “I'm proud to be up here as long as they need me."
“Kickboxer, Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, To Continue In A Moment” reminds us of when cable TV was the place to watch movie reruns on rainy days, late nights or lazy weekends. Streaming has wrecked this model, just as cable supplanted the era when broadcast networks bid to air cinematic hits!).
The genius of this article is The Onion writing it like a breaking news story:
According to the anonymous male source, the interruption to the Kickboxer broadcast will be brief. The representative for TNT asked that all persons watching Kickboxer, the 1989 action movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, "[remain] tuned to TNT."
The interruption affects viewers nationwide.
The Onion interviews — in real time! — a viewer who’s unconcerned by the interruption. His roommate is unavailable, having gone to the bathroom. Another viewer is getting a snack.
The Denny’s commercial mentioned in that photo started airing in 2002, with the actors who played Jerry’s parents in “Seinfeld.”
This article might not make sense if you’re a cord-cutter or don’t watch many movies. But as streaming gets pricier and more scattered, people are feeling nostalgic for the old cable bundle. You can search Reddit and find threads about people wanting a cable-like movie streaming service.
The Onion on politics
“Bush Campaign Costs” is a standard-issue list of campaign jokes. “$1.29: Twine; you never know when you’re gonna need a little twine” is easily my favorite.
"$6 million: Creation of bionic advisor Steve Austin, whose cybernetic limbs allow him to run a faster, stronger, better campaign,” is a great “Six Million Dollar Man” joke. Apparently, the mid-2000s were peak Steve Austin nostalgia, with 2005’s “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” also mentioning this character and show.
Also, the Don King joke! He was exceedingly famous for a long time, even if you didn’t follow boxing.
Other political items in this issue include:
“The 9/11 Panel Report” follows The Onion’s coverage of the 9/11 Commission. Here, people on the street discuss the final report. I like the person longing for Ken Starr’s report writing, but my favorite is this extremely topical joke:2
"Great timing! I just finished Bergdorf Blondes, and I've been looking for another good beach read."
Karen Farr • Secretary
“Rumsfeld Sick Of Jokes About His Fat Girlfriend”: I genuinely forgot how many jokes The Onion wrote undercutting Donald Rumsfeld’s overly serious public image. Rumsfeld’s real-life wife goes unmentioned.
Even strip clubs need diversity
“Strip Club Makes Commitment To Hire More Minorities” is a tension-defusing joke about a hotly debated topic — The Onion calls it affirmative action in 2004; now, it’s DEI. Why does this story work? In large part because the writers target the right person.
The Onion’s not stridently attacking or defending affirmative action. Nor is it mocking the women who work at strip clubs. Rather, it’s making fun of strip club owners who view women solely as physical assets while looking for any excuse to justify their business practices.
It’s also making fun of Tampa, Fla., if we’re being honest.
Club owner Richard Brainerd loves diversity, but in a very specific way:
"We're looking for some Asians, mainly, but I think we could also use two or three Puerto Ricans and a light-skinned black girl," Brainard said. "Man, those Puerto Ricans can dance. Makes you wish you were 22 again, I'll tell you that."
He welcomes all nationalities (except Dominicans) but wants to avoid discriminating against white dancers:
"Sometimes, I let [manager Randy] Toby pick the girls, but this time I'm gonna do it myself," Brainard said. "I'll make sure we get a little more color in the lineup. Now, I'm not gonna refuse to hire a white girl if a hot one comes in. That'd be what they characterize as racism against whites. What's it called? Reverse racism."
A regular patron embraces this effort, calling for a “U.N.-style wet-T-shirt contest or something.”
I also love the quote from the head of the Florida Equal Employment Opportunity Commission:
"We fully support Brainard's diversification efforts," Wright said. "Finally, someone is recognizing that it takes all kinds to entertain a broad cross-section of lonely, horny men with specific ethnicity-based fantasies. The interests of business and society can be one and the same."
Area People doing Area Things
“Lifelong Love Affair With Music Ends At Age 35” is ahead of its time, as research suggests age 33 is when people stop seeking out new music.
35-year-old Sam Powers has loved music since discovering Van Halen, but it’s the band TV on the Radio that broke him:
"Last week, my buddy went to see this band, but I just didn't feel like going out that night," Powers said. "I started to listen to their album, and even though it really seemed like my type of music—well, I didn't know any of the songs. I was just about to put Beck on when I realized that I'd rather be alone with my thoughts.'"
Powers was especially into the post-punk scene, with a Shellac/Tar/Six Finger Satellite show a particular high point, according to friend Keith Tellingham. But Powers’ attention to music has faded where, in the year of our Lord 2004, he doesn’t know who Hoobastank is!
"The type is so tiny on these charts," Powers said. "What's 'Los Lonely Boys'? Are they like Los Lobos? What's with the 'Los'? 'Hoobastank'? Jesus. Probably some shit punk-metal band, right? No, on second thought, don't tell me. I don't even want to know."
The little details of this article are great — Powers is an assistant manager at a camera store, and one of the local Cleveland bands is called Same Four Guys.
This article resonates with me personally, as I’ve deliberately tried to explore new music (and see more shows) since turning 35. It isn’t easy! You have to actively look for new acts and sounds, although I find Spotify helps.
Other Area People items include:
“Kite Flyer In The Zone”: This guy is intense!
“Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures”: I love this joke, even if it’s a bit Luddite of The Onion. If you want to remember the internet before Facebook became huge, this is a great quote:
"Some personal web pages contain literally hundreds of adorable infant photos," MCI senior vice-president Vinton Cerffe said. "Add to that the number of precious pumpkins on photo-sharing sites like Ophoto.com, and anyone can see it was a recipe for disaster.
“Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number of Mexicans”: This joke is almost too on the nose, as it’s set in Mexico City.
“Teen Gives Up Smoking Pot After Seeing Parents High”: I like this joke, even as nearly one-third of today’s teens use cannabis in some form.
“Kennel Certificate Proves Who Puppy Daddy Is”: I only wish this story was set at the “Maury” show. This quote fits:
A spokesperson for Duke said his client was lured by Ginger's promiscuity, insisting that "everyone know the bitch have litters by three different dogs before Duke."
Were the infographics good?
“Who Was Ulysses S. Grant?” is a great question. The Onion provides some answers. “Inspiration for guy on $50 bill” is a sly reminder that we’ve overlooked Grant during the past 150 years.
I love “Defeated the French at Agincourt” if only because The Onion cited this battle in one of my favorite 2010s headlines, “Citing Battle Of Agincourt, Tim Duncan Urges Lakers Not To Get Too Discouraged By Game 1 Loss,” in 2013.
The Onion also published “Holding A Yard Sale,” a long list of jokes about this classic suburban activity. My favorites include:
“A free box is a great way to get rid of incriminating evidence.”
“Don't forget to chuckle and tell every single customer that the yard is, in fact, not for sale.”
What columnists ran?
“Where The Fuck Is Diane With My Fair-Trade Coffee?” is one of those 20-year-old articles where I fondly remembered the headline but didn’t remember the article. Going in, I thought this column was written by a random customer — some “save the planet” type who was horrible to service workers.
Turns out, it’s a corporate executive who’s also a “save the planet” do-gooder and screams at his employees:
Have a seat, Marla. We need to talk about the situation here. I don't ask for much, do I? All I need are a few comforts to make my workday start smoothly. You know this. When I walk into this office at 8 a.m., I'd better see these things on my desk: The New York Times, for a fair analysis of current events; the trades, to keep up with the competition; and, most importantly, my fucking coffee.
Ben Lesterman wants to hear NPR, not smooth jazz. He wants his assistant to go through his progressive-sounding mail, like the Working Assets long-distance bill, Mother Jones magazine (which should be recycled) and a Maya Angelou calendar.
He’s a hard-ass about saving the planet and being super-efficient at work:
Remember that we're all in this together. We all have the same mission: bleach-free 40 percent post-consumer recycled bond in every copier in America. If we can't agree on that, then what are we doing here? I'm not asking, I'm telling: Think globally, get your fucking act together.
The headline is the highlight, but it’s still a smart piece about our hypocrisies and blind spots.
Speaking of blind spots, Smoove B can’t understand why his (former) girl won’t come back. In “Give Me Just One More Chance,” Smoove is sounding more like a stalker than a lover:
I know that the last time we saw each other, you said you never wanted to see Smoove again. I know you have not responded to my e-mails, text messages, phone calls, faxes, or shouts from the street. I know you say you have another man who treats you better than Smoove. If it didn’t hurt so much, I would laugh at this statement.
Smoove says his gifts of meals, flowers and “silken evening gowns” are somehow better than the other man’s lavish spending, which I guess must be gauche to Smoove? All he asks for — besides reading this column — is for her to lie to her new lover and spend one evening with Smoove. Sounds reasonable, right?
Before Smoove lays out the extremely particular details of this evening, he can’t help but sound way too eager:
Also, I’d like to smell your hair. You use the finest shampoo. As you know, I purchased a bottle of it for your use when at my home, but the scent of the shampoo is not the same unless it is mixed in with your hair. Smoove knows this.
Smoove also promises to have the best Australian wines and the best from “Chile, France, California, and Germany” as backups. Too much, Smoove!
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Libra for this wonderful ending that’s in search of a story:
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you'll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.
What holds up best?
This is a tricky one. Headlines like “Lifelong Love Affair With Music Ends At Age 35” and “Where The Fuck Is Diane With My Fair-Trade Coffee?” are legendary, but the articles are somewhat dated.
“Strip Club Makes Commitment To Hire More Minorities” is my choice, although maybe that’s because diversity at work has become (again) such a hot topic of late.
What holds up worst?
“The 9/11 Panel Report” is fine, but who cares about it today?
What would be done differently today?
There is tremendous untapped potential in headlines like “Brand Name Trusted,” “Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures” and even “Kite Flyer In The Zone.”
I’m not sad The Onion didn’t focus exclusively on the 2004 election and the upcoming Olympics 20 years ago, but those subjects would get more coverage today.
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others!
Next week, we’ll revisit President George W. Bush’s blog, “Catwoman,” Ralph Nader and much more. See you then!
Ironically, businesses are the most trusted institution among Americans today, but even brands lost trust in the past year.
“Bergdorf Blondes” was a 2004 chick-lit novel by Plum Sykes Sykes’ latest novel published this year.