20 years ago, The Onion called for bulletproof sleeves
The Onion also covers TV viewing habits, workplace flings, SCOTUS, Iraq and lessons from "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Jan. 19, 2005.
This issue is jam-packed with topical references that were important in 2005 but mostly forgotten now, and I felt like writing this took forever with all the research. Hopefully, it’s still a good read!
ICYMI …
I shared the earnest email The Onion sent about the Los Angeles-area fires.
The Onion published a “best of” issue on Jan. 12, 2005, for Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I shared a few images from the print edition.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 41, Issue 03, the 225th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2005, 2015 and today. At some point in 2015, The Onion deprecated its print archive pages — that 2015 link looked like this by July 2015.
The front page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.1
The front-page headlines “Carpenter Mentally Hammering Things On Way To Work” and “Minibar Set Really Low” are no longer online. Both are clever one-liners!
As I noted 2 weeks ago, The Onion’s homepage continued to include a donation call for victims of the Indian Ocean tsunami.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I love when The Onion mocks something we’d never even consider, like bulletproof vests being defective because they lack sleeves.
“Law Enforcement Officials Call For Creation Of Bulletproof Sleeves” rejects the pop culture trope wherein bulletproof vest wearers are always shot in the vest rather than other body parts. Detroit policeman Sgt. Nicholas Arons lost a forearm in the line of duty:
“Police officers use their arms hundreds of times every day,” Arons said. “If they didn’t have arms, officers would be unable to brandish or discharge firearms, handcuff perpetrators, operate doors, write speeding tickets, or file reports. A policeman’s arms and attached appendages are essential.”
This story is likely inspired by the mid-2000s Department of Justice investigation and police coalition lawsuit2 against bulletproof vest makers for allegedly subpar equipment. In The Onion’s telling, fictional manufacturer FirstShield has struggled to innovate:
The company’s 2004 prototype ArmVest failed in initial testing, because of complaints that the two 34-inch-wide ArmVests impeded movement and were prone to falling off. FirstShield is now investigating the practicality of using snaps, zippers, and Velcro to anchor the vest to the body.
As for bulletproof pants, forget it — the Detroit officer doesn’t believe that will occur until the end of the 21st century! If only they knew about Mick Ferguson, the guy who loves his bulletproof legs.
Also, "To Sleeve And Protect" is fun wordplay!
The Onion also touched on natural disasters, including the Indian Ocean tsunami. “Tsunami Death Toll Rises To 36 Americans” is an easy joke, but still effective. The U.S. media always focuses on American deaths, even when a tsunami kills 230,000 other people.3
(Wikipedia now says only 33 Americans died, but The Onion was working off State Department reports from early January 2005.)
Meanwhile, “Mets Earmark $53 Million For Pitching Relief” is about the New York Mets’ signing of Pedro Martinez, but through the lens of congressional appropriations for disaster relief.4
Politics and real-life events
“Supreme Court To Break Up If Rehnquist Leaves” satirizes Diana Ross leaving The Supremes through the lens of Chief Justice William Rehnquist’s failing health.
Rehnquist’s future was a legitimate news story. He missed the oral arguments for 44 Supreme Court cases over 5 months,5 with his only public appearance being President George W. Bush’s 2nd inaugural. And while Rehnquist returned to the bench in March 2005, he died 6 months later.
There are a few angles here:
The Supreme Court’s actual practices, like ceremoniously saying “Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!” when entering session.
Rehnquist’s outsized presence on the court reimagined for popstar celebrity, as no justice has “appeared on more television shows and in more magazines.”
The ego of Antonin Scalia, who reportedly plans a solo act called The U.S. Supreme Court featuring Antonin Scalia.
Because SCOTUS is a celebrity collective, they have a rabid following, including the publisher of fanzine The Docket:
“When Rehnquist leaves, it’s going to be the end of an era,” Tomaine said. “He’s absolutely irreplaceable.”
Added Tomaine: “I’ve got a bootleg copy of an opinion that Rehnquist wrote for U.S. v. Verdugo-Urquidez that would blow your mind.”
In real life, Rehnquist wouldn’t step down even after his cancer diagnosis. But in this universe, he knows he’s long in the tooth:
“The Supreme Court is a middle-aged man’s game,” Rehnquist told Law and Justice magazine in November 1997. “I can’t see myself swinging the gavel at 90. I just don’t have the stamina.”
Despite that, he’s the lone dissenter in a 7-1 unofficial vote to break up SCOTUS.
The Diana Ross/Supremes angle is subtle, allowing The Onion to delve into SCOTUS humor. Sadly, there’s no in-universe reference to 2002’s “Supreme Court Makes Pact To Lose Virginity By End Of Year.”
Other politics and people in this issue include:
“The Upcoming Iraqi Election”: All these jokes have a common theme: “Isn’t it hilarious that Iraq is trying to vote when the country is a mess and has no clue what democracy is?” I understand the cynicism, given the ongoing failure of the Bush administration to impose nation-building onto Iraq. That said, these jokes feel like they’re (inadvertently) mocking Iraqis for being incapable of understanding peace and democracy.
“Caged Saddam To Be Highlight Of Inaugural Ball”: This is a better framing. Yes, mocking Saddam was easy pickings, but depicting Bush doing a Saddam-like thing lets The Onion mock everyone simultaneously. And what a swag bag:
“Ball attendees will also be awarded door prizes, including a basket of nuts, 20 yards of cloth, and a barrel of crude oil.”
“White House Dishwasher Tenders Resignation”: The post-election White House shakeup wasn’t limited to the Cabinet!
“Georgia's Evolution Stickers”: The Onion asked people about the lawsuit against Cobb County, Ga., which placed “Evolution is a theory, not a fact” stickers onto textbooks (the county gave up the fight in 2006). With apologies to jokes referencing “Fahrenheit 451” and “Mr. Yuk” stickers, my favorite quote is this:
“Man, I gotta get one of those stickers for my guitar case. That’d be awesome.”
Danny Hale • Plumber
Area People doing Area Things
“Waitstaff Tired Of Sleeping With Each Other” imagines that the service industry not only features long hours for little pay, but also an environment where everyone feels compelled to have meaningless flings:
“I’m closing tonight, so I’ll probably end up sleeping with [assistant manager] Robert [Stein],” waitress Katie Glenn said. “A few months ago, I would’ve been excited. He’s really cute, and [coworker] Lynette [Hardy] says he’s a great lay, but now… I don’t know. We have nothing in common, except that we’re both working a double and neither of us can stand [manager] Dan Musket.”
The Onion sets this at a real restaurant in Mountain View, Calif. (home of Google), although it adds an extra “L” to “Manila.” Most of the sexual relations occur off-premises and are restricted to fellow waitstaff, though not always:
“But there is the line cook,” Stern added. “It might be fun to back him into the walk-in cooler and fuck his brains out. I’ve never had sex with anyone from the back of the house before. Kelly said it’s pretty hot.”
While Manilla Grill appears to be especially addictive, it’s not the only local spot embracing workplace relationships. A former Grill worker is now dating a co-worker at the local movie theater.
I like this story because the setting feels realistic, if not everyone sharing their sex lives with an Onion reporter. For what it’s worth, a 2023 survey found that 27% of employees have had workplace romances.
“Study: Watching Fewer Than Four Hours Of TV A Day Impairs Ability To Ridicule Pop Culture” might feel dated. After all, fewer people watch linear TV every year, and it’s far from the only media available.
But let’s take the premise at face value. There are cottage industries of people paid to persuade you that a life well-lived is one spent consuming pop culture! The only change in 2025 is that you need to watch videos on TV, streaming services, YouTube, Twitch and social media.
Here’s the truly horrifying stat: The average American watched 4.5 hours of TV daily in 2004-05.6 As for the abnormal people watching less TV:
Tracking 800 individuals between the ages of 15 and 39, researchers found that people who watch fewer than four hours of television a day have difficulty understanding the references made on VH1’s Best Week Ever, and are often unable to point out the absurdity of infomercial products or the cluelessness of American Idol finalists.
Other markers of a pop culture-fluent individual include:
Recognizing (clockwise from top left) the following people: Brigitte Nielsen, Flavor Flav and Smith; Simpson; the Hilton sisters; and the cast of “The O.C.”
The ability to impersonate and/or mock Anna Nicole Smith, Paris Hilton, Ashlee Simpson, Mary-Kate Olsen and Michael Jackson.
Knowing about “The Apprentice” and “Nanny 911.”
If you don’t remember most of these people, save perhaps Flavor Flav from the 2024 Olympics, congratulations!
However, if you’re worried about big corporations manipulating your kids through video, this Onion story won’t assuage your fears:
Graf said that, without supersaturation in the worst forms of the medium, children will treat television as a source of passive entertainment.
“Long gone are the days when an individual would switch on his set and enjoy a simple, satisfying, and fun hour of diversion,” Graf said. “To perceive television this way is to be hopelessly out of step with our times.”
Other Area People stories include:
“Porch Ceded To Bats”: One of those headlines I didn’t remember but now can’t get out of my head.
“Woman Sensitive About That Thing On Her Face”: The Onion doesn’t name the “thing,”7 which is best for the joke and any readers who might feel singled out.
“Friend Whose Mom Just Died Allowed to Pick Pizza Topping”: The Onion finds a sliver of humor in a tragic situation, a la the post-9/11 classic “Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake.”
Were the infographics good?
“What's Our Unguessable Password?” is fantastic. I love the implication that people create passwords based on their passions, whether that’s “Star Trek,” Steve Jobs or your son Derek.
My personal favorites are “guest” and “p455w0rd.”
What columnists ran?
“I'm Pretty Sure I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings” is, I think, a mildly sympathetic mockery of a white college student who’s just discovered Black people exist, mostly through Maya Angelou’s “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.” But I’m open to other arguments!
(Also, imagine this topic being written about in, say, 2021!)
Anyways, Madeleine Schumann is eager to share what she’s learned, even if she’s seemingly confused about whether the caged bird singing is a literal concept:
During my entire prom, I did not once think about all the suffering blacks and their novels and poetry and personal memoirs. I didn’t think for two seconds about all of the black women being raped by their fathers and brothers. Where were their magical prom nights? They didn’t have any, because they were trapped in cages, singing.
Not in physical cages, but in metaphorical ones constructed by society. Like I said before, I’m not 100-percent clear on all of this. But even if I don’t completely understand, at least I understand how little I used to understand. And that is totally the beginning of understanding.
Schumann acknowledges she has much to learn, as she still has no Black friends, only Black classmates. She does break up with her boyfriend because he suggested the caged bird was lazy (again, do they think it’s a literal cage?).
My favorite passage, as someone who’s worked in business media for many years, is Schumann’s idea that corporations can solve America’s racial challenges:
Take, for example, Langston Hughes’ famous couplet, “My motto as I live and learn is: dig and be dug in return.” I understood that right away. It’s like my Dad always says: “You scratch my back, and I scratch yours.” One hand washes the other, you know? That’s exactly the kind of philosophy that allowed my dad to become such a successful and respected CEO. It’s about mutual advantage and common interest, like when two corporations merge for the benefit of both. If only we could learn to live that way as human beings, then maybe there would be no ghettos.
Our other column is by regular contributor Jim Anchower, who is neither college-educated nor a CEO. Anchower usually talks about his job, car, music, food and drugs. In “Junk Yardin',” it’s work, his car and drugs.
Anchower has regained his job at the carbonics plant where his buddy Ron works, and he’s trying to find a new alternator for his Ford Fiesta (see November 2004’s “Back In The Driver’s Seat”). He goes to the junkyard for parts, only to spot a different old car:
The windows were shattered, the back seat was ripped out, and there were mouse turds all over the dash, but I could still tell it was my old car by the gouge in the ding protector. You know, the rubber strip on the door to keep your car from being banged up. Mine got torn up that time I turned around to yell at a guy in the back seat and sideswiped a mailbox. I knocked the box clean off the pole and tore ass out of there, thinking I’d made off scot free, but then I saw the gouge when I got home. It’s funny, you never forget a great memory.
This Volkswagen Golf had a special hiding place for Anchower’s joints. Anchower tries to extract it but gets his arm stuck until an employee wanders by — and that’s when we learn Anchower is trespassing:
After he reached in and ripped my jacket to free me, he started giving me the business about going out in the yard without supervision. “You can’t just come on in here and start grabbing at stuff. You’ve gotta come in through the gates.” Like I’m gonna steal some hubcaps or something. I mean, sure, I did steal some hubcaps once, but the junkyard guy didn’t know about it, so he had no right to talk to me like I was a criminal.
After all this, Anchower realizes he needs a new car but can’t afford it. At least he spins a great yarn!
What was the best horoscope?
I love this week’s horoscopes, including references to makeup sex, the actor Yaphet Kotto and pitching a “non-reality show.” But my favorite is the futuristic Taurus:
Taurus (April. 20—May 20)
A trip to sunny Bermuda does not recharge your batteries due to the fact that your worker-robot casing isn't equipped for solar-energy uptake.
Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.
What holds up best?
I know nobody has sex anymore, but “Waitstaff Tired Of Sleeping With Each Other” feels like a relatively timeless joke about human nature.
“Study: Watching Fewer Than Four Hours Of TV A Day Impairs Ability To Ridicule Pop Culture” also feels relevant, while “Tsunami Death Toll Rises To 36 Americans” is the type of joke you can repurpose any time there’s a tragedy in another country.
What holds up worst?
“The Upcoming Iraqi Election” is fine for a weekly newspaper but not the kind of joke that endures. I also think it’s relatively weak compared to The Onion’s many Iraq-related triumphs.
What would be done differently today?
I can’t tell whether “I'm Pretty Sure I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings” would run unchanged in the 2020s or would be revised significantly.
Meanwhile, The Onion’s new ownership has encouraged old-time silliness like the recent “Egyptologists Unearth Depictions Of Simple Ramps, Levers Aliens Used To Build Pyramids” and “Biden Batted Around By Giant Cat.” This gives me hope that goofier 2000s jokes could find a home today.
Thank you
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Next week, we’ll revisit the anniversary of the Justin Timberlake-Janet Jackson halftime show, GEICO, inauguration protests, and copy editing the Great American Novel. See you then!
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The Department of Justice reached multiple settlements, with the most recent coming in 2018. The police association lawsuit was settled, too.
NBC News was far from the only guilty party, but note this Dec. 28, 2004, article titled “Families mourn 12 Americans known killed,” followed 20 years later by “American survivors recall the harrowing moments of the century's deadliest tsunami.”
Carlos Beltran’s contract is also referenced, albeit incorrectly at $117 million instead of $119 million.
Rehnquist participated behind the scenes in many of these cases, even writing 4 opinions.
This headline sparked online commentary, some of which still exists, including: A Daily Kos article, a particularly impressed blogger, a still-updated Seton Hall professor’s blog, and an NPR guest.
The excellent 2022 “Saturday Night Live” sketch “Meatballs” might be the worst-case scenario.
The best part of Jim Anchower columns is that all of his misery is self-inflicted, but he is too oblivious to realize it.