20 years ago, The Onion took away our freedoms (featuring Joe Biden)
The Onion Photoshops the guys from Creed, alters a cat headline, and talks about the Bush tax-cut plan and Congress' anti-spam plan.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit May 28, 2003.
This week’s newsletter barely came together — I’ve had a cold and some aches the past few days. It’s not COVID or the flu, so hopefully it passes quickly. Anyways, I hope y’all are having a good long weekend.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 20, the 148th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2013 and today. Once again, there’s no archive of the 2003 website available.
The front-page headline “Man Puts Philandering Days Ahead of Him” is no longer online.
And here’s an interesting puzzle: “Independent-Minded Cat Shits Outside the Box” was eventually changed to “Free-Thinking Cat Shits Outside the Box.” I’m not sure when the change occurred, but it was no later than 2005. Here is the cat:
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Last week, we talked about 1990s punk music. This week, we’re talking about early 2000s Christian rock, but we’re also talking about the band Creed. I’ll explain in a moment.
“Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian” is definitely a 2003 article — look at the shirts, the hair length and hair product on those guys. That’s what every rock band looked like back then.
How do I know this? Because that photo is the band Creed, minus the bassist, who left a couple of years earlier. Here’s the original photo:
Like Creed, Pillar Of Salt is a Florida band that places religious references in their songs. Lots of bands do this and aren’t considered Christian bands!1
However, Brad Rolen seems particularly incurious considering:
The band is named after a rather famous Old Testament reference.
They won’t play on Sundays.
Their song titles include “Blood Of My Father,” "Wade In The Water," "Eternal Life," and "Kiss Of The Betrayer."
I love these song titles. And the band sounds like a great live act, as “during [the song] 'False Idol,' a gold cow rose from the stage and [lead singer and songwriter] Jack [Rhineman] beat the shit out of it with his guitar.”
Rolen also misinterprets the band’s songs about love:
"Actually, Jack writes a lot of songs about chicks," Rolen continued. "'Your Love,' 'When You Return,' 'I Confess'… I don't know if they're all about the same girl or lots of different ones, but one thing's for sure: Jack loves the pussy."
This story unfolds beautifully. Every paragraph reveals new information about the band’s Christian identity and Rolen’s complete lack of awareness.
The government passed a bill
“Terrifying Bill Passed During NBA Playoffs” is delightful because it makes fun of Americans who are so into sports that they block out anything else. That said, it’s hard to imagine even the NBA Finals generating that much excitement, much less earlier rounds.2
That said, I’m not surprised some people are more focused on sports than Congress:
Andy Guthridge of Savannah, GA, is among the estimated 240 million Americans unaware of the sweeping package of civil-liberties curtailments, voting-privilege re-qualifications, and mandatory relocation of the working poor to the Dakotas.
"Man, I was so glad to see the Lakers finally get knocked off," said Guthridge, who was glued to TNT while the bill's passage aired on C-SPAN. "Shaq and Kobe and the rest of those dicks have had it coming for a long time."
The bill will annex an untold number of businesses, relocate poor people to North and South Dakota, and creates a new category of crime called “a compromise of national interests.”
While this bill was apparently introduced by Republicans and supported by President George W. Bush, maybe the harshest measures came from then-Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., who added a rider to weaken the 1st Amendment and more or less abolish the 5th:
"The First Amendment will still protect almost all of the forms of expression that it always has," said Biden, who will assume his new duties as Commandant Of The Greater West on June 1. "The average patriotic American won't even notice the difference. How about that Jason Kidd? Right now, I'd say he's the best point guard in the East, if not the entire NBA."
It’s so clear that no one thought Joe Biden would ever become president, and to be fair to The Onion, why would anyone? He’s older than Bill Clinton, who had been term-limited for over 25 years!
I assume The Onion used Biden here as just a random veteran Democrat to add a bipartisan element to this story — this could have easily been Chris Dodd or Zell Miller or Dick Durbin.
The Onion didn’t mention Iraq in this issue, but it did have a few other government-related items.
“The Bush Tax-Cut Plan” is about the 2nd round of tax cuts pushed through during Bush’s administration. This, among other things, reduced the dividends and capital gains tax rate to 15%.
Some of these jokes are clever — I like the yachts one and “Offers tax cuts for anyone who can prove they don’t really need them” — while others feel more like The Onion expressing displeasure.
Looking back 20 years, we’re reminded how so much of what happened from 2001 to 2003 still affects us today: 9/11; the Patriot Act and other government oversight expansions; the effects of Afghanistan and Iraq; how many of the tax cut provisions remain in place. And don’t forget that four Democratic senators from this Congress ran for president (Kerry, Edwards, Clinton, Biden)!
Other government items included:
“The Spam Epidemic”: The Onion asked people about Congress’ real-life efforts to combat email spam. This eventually led to CAN-SPAM, which still affects professional emailers like me. This article holds up — jokes about Nigerian banks and other classic scams, the terrifying realization that these scams work, and the spam that comes from your own family:
"Every day, I get these annoying spams that are nothing but cookie recipes and forwarded articles about the benefits of Vitamin C and photos of cats. Wait—those are from my mom."
Patti Robles • Art Director
“Condoleezza Rice's Lunch Missing.” The White House is just like any office. I like this quote:
“My name was written right on it—'C. Rice' in thick, red magic marker, so don't tell me it was an accident.”
“McCain Gives Up JCPenney Catalog-Modeling Job” is random, but I love it. Look how happy he is! Why would he give that up?
Area People doing Area Things
“Casino Has Great Night” is a smart parody of the typical “gambler wins big!” story. By “smart,” I mean that The Onion sticks to the facts, letting the incongruity deliver the joke:
"We've got a system," Brant said. "Our strategy is to bet against all the customers who come in here. Then we spread our bets around to each and every table and machine in the casino and keep at it for the long haul. We were down about $200 at one of the roulette tables, but were up on everything else, so we came out pretty much ahead. Actually, more than half a million ahead."
The Onion consults a gambling expert who says he’s never seen a winning streak like Bally’s (6,753 nights running). That said, he’s not surprised:
“But then, with a guaranteed 52 percent success rate, it's unlikely that a casino would ever come out behind in an evening. If that were the case, casinos wouldn't exist as profitable entities."
The matter-of-fact delivery of that quote amuses me. Either The Onion is brilliant, or I am not feeling well and should lie down.
“World-Weary Garbage Man No Longer Shocked By Things People Throw Out” profiles Tulsa Department of Sanitation veteran Matt Ciszek, who no longer cares about the incredible wastefulness of his fellow Americans:
"Matt used to get so worked up," said Joan Ciszek, 34. "He'd say, 'You won't believe what I found today—an entire box of tools, with an electric drill and everything. Must've been at least $800 worth of stuff.' Nowadays, he doesn't even talk about work."
The premise is a trope — the grizzled veteran who’s jaded and complains about “people these days” — but I like the setting of a garbage collector who gets to see, up close, what few of us even think about. I also like that The Onion quotes Ciszek as “told reporters,” implying that multiple newspapers are interviewing this garbage collector.
“If some guy is going to throw away an entire box of plastic hangers, only to buy a whole new batch of hangers as soon as he moves into his new place, who am I to stop him? I'm just one garbage man."
Plastic hangers! If we learn nothing, y’all, it’s to buy wooden hangers.
Other Area People stories include:
“Candy Purchase Puts Yet More Money In Raisinets' Bloated Coffers”: What a headline. I also love this quote and the idea that every individual purchase is monitored:
"Ah, very good… that's another 75 cents for us," said Raisinets president William Koenig, as he observed the Graber purchase on closed-circuit television at the company's Glendale headquarters.
“Magical Gallery Transforms Dull Objects Into Art”: I feel this way whenever I’m looking at modern art.
“Housekeeper Too Busy To Be Sassy”: Everyone is disappointed that the movie stereotype isn’t true. This is yet another local Onion story set in a Chicago suburb (Highland Park).
“Wolf Pack Fails To Raise Orphaned Infant”: This is the 2nd-best raised-by-wolves Onion item after 2010’s “Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody.”
Were the infographics good?
The Austin boom is really 20 years old, huh? “Why Are We Moving To Austin?” examines this phenomenon. The jokes are perfectly fine, although the illustration of the box of hacky sacks is probably my favorite.
We also have “Fire Safety And Prevention Tips,” which is the underrated star of this issue. A brilliant collection of one-liners and jokes that are almost good advice. Like this mnemonic:
When making your family's fire-evacuation plan, just remember "LISGM9MN": Leave the house Immediately, Stay low to the Ground, Meet outside, and call 911 froM a Neighbor's house.
The Onion both warns against metaphors (fighting fire with fire) and about them:
Beware the lustful fires that burn in a librarian's heart. They can rage beyond all control.
What columnists ran?
“I Am Proud To Serve My Country Beer” is a simple parody that equates bartending with military service. And you know, bartenders are an important part of our society.
Our columnist, Duane Kenniff, actually descends from a long line of bartenders, with one notable exception:
My family has a long tradition of service to this country. At the height of the Great Depression, my great-grandfather served bathtub gin in a Chicago speakeasy. During WWII, my grandfather served beer at a Coney Island snack bar. During Vietnam, my father pretended he was gay so he could stay in the States and serve beer to a nation torn in two by an unpopular war. And now it's my turn. When history called, I did not turn a deaf ear. I enlisted at my local tavern and began the task of serving beer to my fellow Americans.
I love that he only started bartending because of the post-9/11 wars. The article ends on a line that is now, at least right now, of my top 10 favorite Onion one-liners:
Some may shy away from the call to serve, but this proud citizen will never dodge the Miller Genuine Draft.
Beautiful.
Our other columnist is also red-blooded, but in a different way. “It's Not Easy Being The Life Of The Orgy” is kind of like the LeBron James of his time — an aging athletic legend who only wants to continue if he can be at the top of his game. The difference is that Hank Wetzel is the champion of orgies.
I don’t think I can quote any of this article without running into the aforementioned CAN-SPAM problems. I will note that Wetzel says he is “the king of the Cincinnati group-sex scene.” You know who else is from Cincinnati? Legendary Onion columnist and lover Smoove B.
Do they know each other?!?!?! This is a huge missed opportunity.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Gemini, not because I agree with this, but because there are way too many self-help platitudes out there:
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.
What holds up best?
I criticize the modern-day Onion for its over-reliance on lists instead of crafting stories, but I really liked “Fire Safety And Prevention Tips.” But I’d also recommend “I Am Proud To Serve My Country Beer.” It knows exactly what it’s trying to do, and it delivers.
What holds up worst?
“Terrifying Bill Passed During NBA Playoffs” is not bad, but it suffers from 2 problems, in my opinion. The 1st is that the NBA playoffs are not that popular, and I’m someone who rearranged my sleep schedule the past 6 weeks to watch all the West Coast games.
The 2nd is that the story isn’t as terrifying as it should be? Yes, the bill’s implications are dire, but the storytelling doesn’t feel climatic enough.
What would be done differently today?
In 2023, there’s always more political coverage! The spam item is interesting because it isn’t dissimilar to today’s scrutiny of TikTok (and social platforms in general).
Thank you
Hopefully, this newsletter reads coherently despite my being under the weather.
Next week, The Onion finally parodies the “Mission Accomplished” event. We also will look at failed studies, the 2003 Hulk movie, Bob Hope’s 100th birthday and the state of American chickens.
I’m seeing one of these bands tonight, assuming my cold lets up. Thrice actually has a (great) song called “Words in the Water,” and so “Wade in the Water” made me laugh.
The Onion says this bill is announced during Game 4 of the Eastern Conference finals — the least-watched conference final game from 2000 through at least 2019.