20 years ago in The Onion, Coke's Mars Rover found Dasani
Plus, the Negro Leagues return, Martha Stewart's sentencing, mechanical bulls, "The Apprentice," "Tuesdays With Morrie" and much more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 24, 2004.
This week, we’re revisiting one of my favorite headlines from college, “Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars.”
Lots of nostalgia in this issue. Plus, we’ll see whether The Onion’s 2004 opinions about online dating and nanotechnology hold up.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 12, the 185th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headline “Asylum Seeker Has Eight Adorable Little Asylum Seekers In Tow” is no longer online. It’s reads like a hard-line immigration stance, although I suspect it was meant as a silly joke.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Big consumer brands like to pretend they’re at war — the Cola Wars, light beers, Apple vs. PC makers, U.S. automakers.1 They use the same language you might use to describe actual warfare.
Obviously, The Onion would enjoy parodying this marketing BS. Past examples include 1997’s “Ad Industry Veterans Honored With Cola War Memorial” and 2004’s “Fuck Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades.”2
“Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars” adds real-life news about the Mars rover mission finding evidence of water on Mars. This was a big deal in early 2004!
The Onion asks: What if the Mars mission was sponsored by Coca-Cola, and Coke’s brand guidelines took precedence over scientific terminology? And so we get passages like this:
"It's true that pure, delicious Dasani is one of the most common compounds in the universe," Chen said. "But the abundant mineral deposits in the rocks indicate that the cool, life-enriching Dasani was indigenous to Mars, rather than the frozen Dasani core of a comet that collided with the planet."
…
"In the coming days, we'll be moving the Real Rover in the direction of the possible polar Dasani caps," Chen said. "As we continue to explore Mars, we hope to find Dasani distributed everywhere."
The rover is named The Real Rover because of Coke’s “The Real Thing” ad campaign. The NASA spokesman uses Coca-Cola business jargon like “distributed,” “many convenient locations,” and “available solar-system-wide.”
The Onion’s poor NASA official ends the press conference by plugging Dasani:
"Not that running out of Dasani isn't disastrous enough!" Chen interjected. "One fact is clear: Life on Mars was a lot more probable when abundant Dasani was present, just as life is more enjoyable on Earth when you've got Dasani. If you don't want to be dry and lifeless yourself, stock up on cool, refreshing Dasani bottled water."
You might wonder, “Would NASA take sponsors?” It hasn’t, but in 2018, NASA opened the door to naming rights for spacecraft and missions.
The dangers of nostalgia
Between “Nostalgia Prompts Return Of Negro Baseball Leagues” and the Dasani article, we’re seeing The Onion’s best creativity and its best cynicism.
When I was re-reading this article, my mind went back to the late 1990s, when MLB started selling old-time baseball jerseys. They featured many old-time ballplayers and teams, some of which were Negro Leaguers. They were a big hit in my high school, even among kids who didn’t care about baseball.
The Onion’s not parodying that trend, but it is skewering Commissioner Bud Selig’s endless desire to sell tickets and merchandise — like when MLB hyped Cal Ripken Jr.’s consecutive games streak or let everyone take steroids for many years.
The Onion’s version of Selig wants to call attention to the Negro Leagues,3 with its overlooked legends, high quality of play and, of course, the injustices they faced. But how is Selig doing this? By re-segregating baseball!
"Baseball is all about the fans," Selig said. "And the fans are all about paying big money for caps and T-shirts with the cool old Birmingham Black Barons logo on them. They love buying mahogany-framed prints of those neat black-and-white Kansas City Monarchs team photos, too."
Such a cynical ploy. All Selig sees is a chance to double baseball’s revenue.
Unsurprisingly, Albert Belle is 100% against this idea — and not because he hadn’t played a baseball game in 4 years:
"Hell, no," said five-time All-Star Albert Belle, who was told to report for practice with the Tampa Bay Afro-Marlins next Wednesday. "Didn't we already go through this shit? No way I'm gonna be anyone's sepia-toned memory."
Barry Bonds is mildly interested in playing with Gary Sheffield on the Black Yankees, but also wonders whether he should quit instead.
Selig’s even excited about, one day, being the racist commissioner defied by Black players:
"A new generation will get to see the tragic majesty of Negro League play," Selig said. "Once again, baseball fans will be able to argue over whether or not a black player could make it in the majors, even if the player in question was already there. And maybe, just maybe, the brave Jackie Robinson of a new generation will dare to defy my color line and become a symbol of triumph. That'd really sell tickets."
Politics and real-life people
I guess I am not a visual person, because political cartoons do nothing for me. Maybe that’s why I enjoy the ridiculousness of “Political Cartoon Even More Boring And Confusing Than Issue.”
This is a very 2004 political cartoon because it mentions ethanol, that corn-based fuel that politicians pretend to care about right before the Iowa caucuses. (Even “The West Wing” did an episode on ethanol in 2005!)
The cartoon is confusing, but the fictional cartoonist disagrees:
"I like to have a little fun with my panels, but I also like to make a point," Ploeser said. "They call it an editorial cartoon for a reason. The fact that those inboxes and outboxes were made of steel evokes the steel-tariff controversy from last fall, of course. And did you notice the word 'lies' in the outbox? And the bags of grain in the inbox? It's all there, if you look."
There’s a 2nd cartoon in this article. It features penguins and gay marriage,4 but in a confusing way:
His voice rising in frustration, Lawler continued: "Then, off to the side, there was another penguin holding a bouquet of flowers labeled 'constitution' in one hand and a piece of cake labeled 'polls' in the other. But this was all happening on a television! And, in the foreground, there was a hand labeled 'Iowa' holding a remote control, and the caption said 'Nothing's on.' What's going on here? I am so full of rage right now."
In 2024, by the way, political cartoonists are a dying profession.
Other items involving politics and/or real-life people include:
“Bush Urges Iraqis To Pass Amendment Banning Gay Marriage”: Mildly amusing conflation of Bush’s domestic and foreign policy.
“Reality Show Slowly Sinks In”: A local woman realizes she’s become a big fan of “The Apprentice,” which debuted in January 2004.
“New York Times Seeks Court Order To Remove Tuesdays With Morrie From Bestseller List”: This made me laugh, especially because a 2006 New York Times article notes that this book was still on the paperback best-seller list.
“Stewart's Prison Sentence”: The Onion asks people about Martha Stewart’s upcoming sentencing hearing. These are good jokes, although my favorite is this joke about jokes:
"Hey, did anyone say how funny it would be if Martha decorated her jail cell in some elaborate way? Oh."
Nicholas Coleman • Anesthesiologist
Area People doing Area Things
I wish real newspapers had articles like “Rematch With Mechanical Bull Planned All Week Long.” Could you imagine opening up the local paper and seeing 2 pages about some guy who’s plotted for an entire week to defeat a Texas-themed bar’s mechanical bull?
The media covers the Mega Millions and Powerball jackpots, so why not the Cadillac Ranch’s weekly bull-riding contest? There’s a $500 prize!
Anyways, Scott Wiseck says he has identified his 3 weaknesses: eating the wrong food, going for “2-for-1 rail drinks” and overconfidence:
"I was overconfident, plain and simple," Wiseck said. "My daddy always told me: You can't tame an animal unless you respect it. It's a little different, this bull being a machine and all, but the principle's the same. I went into that pit cocky, so I was bound to end up bass-ackwards in front of the whole town."
Wiseck will pump himself up with John Travolta’s “Urban Cowboy” (famously featuring mechanical bullriding) and AC/DC's “You Shook Me All Night Long.”
Wiseck’s friends doubt his prospects, although they note his foosball dominance. I guess champions are never satisfied.
Other Area People items include:
The front page had 2 photos with headlines:
“Hippie Will Tell You What The Real Crime Is” is an old-time Onion joke, surely inspired by some University of Wisconsin-Madison kid. The archives reveal several other hippie-themed stories, including 1998’s “I Can't Stand My Filthy Hippie Owner,” written by Thunder the Ferret.
“Earthquake Kills 54 Rescue Workers' Weekend Plans” is technically accurate, but damn.
“Teen Learns The Negligible Value Of A Dollar”: Mowing a lawn only pays $5! This 13-year-old is foiled by sales tax and bus fare.
“Psychic Helps Police Waste Valuable Time”: Not even satire. The CIA even wrote a memo in 2000 about the purported use of psychics in criminal investigations.
Were the infographics good?
“Nanotechnology” probably felt like science fiction in 2004. Even in the 2010s, when I edited business newsletters for chemical and chemistry audiences, nanotechnology still felt nascent and experimental.
I don’t think any of these jokes has become reality. However, I could see real scientists working on ideas like “computerized day planners” underneath your skin, “micro-soldiers” and destroying “inadvertently fertilized eggs.”
Also, the Onion writer who’s obsessed with homeless people5 strikes again:
“Nano-bots will solve the problem of the homeless by systematically devouring them for fuel.”
“Top Sitcom Premises By Number Of Repetitions” is a fun premise. It helps to know that “Edith almost gets raped” is referencing “All In The Family.”
Is “Lost vacationing vampire becomes small-town sheriff” based on something real? I feel like this joke has only gotten more relevant since 2004, what with “True Blood,” “Twilight,” etc.
What columnists ran?
“Online-Dating Tips” is from an era when online dating was in a curious phase: used by millions of people but unknown to most of America.
These jokes are solid, even if some feel very dated now:
“If you're having a hard time finding a decent, commitment-minded man through e-dating, why don't you try to e-shut the fuck up for once and stop your e-bitching.”
“Remember, online dating is not for everyone—only the desperate and pathetic.”
“Dates like to know that they're appreciated. Go the extra mile and send that special someone an e-card or virtual flowers.”
“Don't worry. If you actually meet someone decent over the Internet, the two of you can tell people you met at a party.”
Funnily enough, the 2024 discourse is about dating apps being terrible and getting worse.
“Online-Dating Tips” is about finding new love, and so is “I Hit The Dead-Wife Insurance Jackpot!” — in a much different way.
Maxwell Linden was angry at God for taking away his wife, Leah. Then, something happened:
I was just working my way out of the denial phase of the grieving process when the phone rang. Mr. George Tift from State Farm Insurance had a little proposition to make. After giving his condolences, he told me that my term-life insurance plan entitled me to 10 quarterly installments of $25,000, for a total pre-tax payout of $250,000. Yowza! What had I done to deserve that?
A quarter of a million American dollars! That's more than just a good day at the greyhound track. That's the big time: term life. Bargaining phase complete, hello acceptance. Grieving process over!
Linden says he might have spent $200,000 to bring back his wife, but a quarter-million is too good to turn down. He also says things like, “At 3:15 p.m., my financial troubles were pronounced dead at the scene.”
This is callous, but in a cartoonish way.
“You Are No Longer Welcome In The Homer Reading Group” delights me as a philosophy major. Columnist Arthur Gibbons is enduring an age-old tale of betrayal:
I was completely serious. You are either in my reading group, or you are in Kouri's Virgil Symposium. A woman cannot drink from two fountains at once, nor can she butter her bread on three sides. You've been sneaking about and I've caught you, so get out. No, do not finish your ouzo. Just go.
…
No, it's out of the question. I am afraid you have wounded me, and the wound cannot so easily be healed, two-faced woman of apologies. I might reconsider, were it not for the litany of kicks and bruises I have received: your ignorance of the dual, your difficulty with the circumstantial participle, your tendency to conflate clauses of natural and actual result.
The columnist is so petty! This was fun, even if I don’t remember any of Homer.
What was the best horoscope?
The horoscopes, as they often do, involve a lot of tragedy, accidents and death. This week also has Mark Twain. My favorite, however, is Aries:
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Both your mind and a locomotive run on rails, are difficult to maintain, and make chugging noises, but after that, the analogy starts to break down.
What holds up best?
I was so happy to laugh heartily at “Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars.” And honestly, whenever we send humans to Mars, you know it’ll be sponsored. Good luck to Coca-Cola in getting Dasani onto the spacecraft.
What holds up worst?
The online handles suggested by The Onion in “Online-Dating Tips” include a casual use of the R-word.
What would be done differently today?
Online-dating jokes are still relevant. But in 2004, The Onion was introducing the idea to many of its readers. No need to do so now.
As I’ve said many times, The Onion doesn’t have enough time (or staff) to crank out such lengthy, elaborate articles today. This issue contains 4 full-length, multi-faceted articles, plus 2 columns. All of that requires tremendous imagination and hard work. You can’t do that and create 30 online slideshows.
Thank you
Thanks for being here. Please share this newsletter (or the articles themselves!) with anyone who loves The Onion.
Next week, President George W. Bush addresses the unemployment crisis, plus one of my favorite recurring Onion features, the “What’s On TV Tonight?” chart. See you then!
There’s a long-running podcast called “Business Wars” that explores these and more.
There’s also 2007’s audio-only “Pepsi May Have Used Faulty Taste-Test Results To Lead Nation Into Cola Wars,” which terrifies me because I guess I also have to cover radio news in 3 years.
In real life, MLB only acknowledged Negro League records and statistics in 2020.
Since 2020, we’ve covered such stories as “Survey: Less Than One Percent Of Pedestrians Gots 50 Cent For The Bus,” “The Organ-Donor Crisis,” “Homeless People Shouldn't Make You Feel Sad Like That” and last week’s “Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics.”