20 years ago, The Onion talked about Black Friendsters
Also, the U.S. tries a new strategy in Iraq, short-distance relationships are tough, plus a Wyoming skate park, the Mars Rover, and a man's crucifix.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Jan. 14, 2004.
I started this newsletter in January 2020, attempting to develop a hobby that let me write outside of work. I’m so grateful for anyone who’s been subscribed from the early days or found me through NPR, Reddit, Googling the 9/11 issue or wherever else.
I’m excited to revisit 2004 — possibly the peak for mainstream satire.
This issue is a beautiful example of how much things can change in 20 years. For example, in January 2004, most Americans had no concept of social networks, even early leaders like Friendster. By 2005, Friendster was passé — losing ground to MySpace and a nascent Facebook (or TheFacebook). And today, social networks are everywhere, and Facebook is again trying to take over a niche with Threads.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 02, the 175th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Issue 01 was a collection of old stories, as you can see here.
Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headlines “Jogging Fat Man Watched From Apartment Window” and “Headlights Caught In Deer” are no longer online today. Both jokes take a simple premise and twist it.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
The dominant stories of 2004 were the Iraq war and the 2004 presidential election. This was not the most joyful year.
The Onion was always cynical about American intervention in Iraq. By early 2002, The Onion was (correctly) predicting the invasion in “Military Promises 'Huge Numbers' For Gulf War II: The Vengeance.”
Immediately after the war began, The Onion published the classic Point/Counterpoint “This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won’t.” But while The Onion never cheerleaded the Iraq war, I think this 1st issue of 2004 is actually too optimistic in some ways.
This week’s top story, “U.S. To Give Every Iraqi $3,544.91, Let Free-Market Capitalism Do The Rest,” might sound like an endorsement of universal basic income, but it’s The Onion mocking a version of free market capitalism taken to its logical extreme.
The U.S. isn’t going to build anything itself, says Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld — infrastructure, the economy, schools and even the constitution will be handled by the private sector (and Iraqis, presumably). But the U.S. has billions in congressionally approved funding to spend, so what will it do? Give it away.
"Yes, we had planned to do all sorts of things with that money, like repair Iraq's power grid and construct new sewers and roads," Rumsfeld said. "But then we realized that, really, there's no reason for us to rebuild Iraq's infrastructure when the forces of free-market capitalism can do it with greater efficiency."
Of course, this money is being given in cash, as you can see in the photo above, where a child in Basra is getting a wad of bills.
What happens to the Iraqi government? Well, on July 1, that’s their problem, although Paul Bremer believed capitalism would solve all:
Bremer said returning the government to the men and women of Iraq solves one problem that had confounded his team: deciding how rule would be divided among Sunni Muslims, Shiites, and Kurds.
"Under the new system, the religious, ethnic, or political group offering the best service will naturally beat out the competition," Bremer said. "It's that simple!"
…
"Heck, whatever form of democratic utopia comes out of this will be great," Rumsfeld said. "Why wouldn't it be? It'll be based on freedom of individual economic enterprise, and supply and demand will maximize consumer welfare."
All of the above is The Onion’s usual skepticism of the Bush administration’s efforts in Iraq. On the other hand, The Onion’s last issue of 2003 and this issue optimistically portray the U.S. as in control of Iraq. Maybe everything will descend into chaos once we leave, but that won’t be our problem.
Spoiler: It very much was our problem. Note the photo immediately above — the caption is about Fallujah. You know, the city that became the focal point of fighting in 2004, culminating in the 2nd Battle of Fallujah in November.
By October 2004, The Onion was writing stories like “U.S. Finishes A 'Strong Second' In Iraq War.”
The Onion explores foreign policy and immigration
The Onion had a lot of international news this 1st week — much of it was based on real-life events.
“Angolan Temp Agency Teeming With Mercenaries” continues The Onion’s trend of picking random African countries to satirize with Western problems. In this case, the Western problem is running a temp agency — and because it’s Angola, everyone’s a mercenary!
Yes, there’s a real-life connection: The long-running Angolan civil war concluded in 2002, and mercenaries were a big part of that conflict. And I like the idea of a harried temp agency struggling to accommodate all these men loitering in the waiting area.
I like some of the jokes, like Angolan mercenaries not wanting to relocate for work in the Congo or Sierra Leone. I also like this bit about background checks:
"My first week here, I sent a mercenary to work on the assembly line in a PVC factory," Bimbi said. "I later learned that the mercenary had, in his former job, blown up the line supervisor's vegetable stand and kidnapped his teenage daughter."
Bimbi now attempts to do more thorough background checks.
"But it's hard," Bimbi said. "Most of our clients' references turn out to be dead."
On the other hand, what did Angola do to deserve this? Who is The Onion making fun of, if not the country and its people?
"Perhaps one day soon, a corrupt warlord will rise to power in Angola and need men to hack apart villagers and urinate on the remains," Lukamba added. "Until then, all I can do is try to get these men working as telephone solicitors."
Other international stories included:
“Iran Moves To Ban Events Of Mass Destruction” is a silly yet clever bit about Iran embracing not political reform but earthquake reform. The Bam earthquake of Dec. 26, 2003, killed about 34,000 people, which is mind-boggling.
The Onion plays off real-life events, like Iran agreeing to nuclear monitoring in exchange for U.S.-led humanitarian assistance.
“Fingerprinting Foreign Visitors”: The Onion asks people what they think about the U.S. fingerprinting incoming visitors. These jokes are well-written, and my favorite is this one:1
"They're taking photos? That's useless. Everyone looks like a terrorist in an ID photo."
Paula Holt • Writer
“First-Generation American's Job Taken By His Father”: In 2024, I wondered whether this was a broader commentary on immigration or NAFTA, and maybe it was. But the article’s premise is simple: In real life, GST AutoLeather closed its Reading, Pa., facility and moved the jobs to Nuevo Laredo, Mexico.
The father-and-son combo is invented, of course.
Friendster and the early days of social media
I don’t remember whether I read “I'll Have You Know I Have Several Black Friendsters” in January 2004. I definitely forgot about it until maybe 2011 or 2012, when I re-read it and laughed my ass off, mostly because of the archaic Friendster references.
Of course, Friendster is just the delivery mechanism. The underlying satire is of those people who love to talk about their Black friends to prove their racial bona fides:
Take, for example, how I met my very good black Friendster Geoff. I was looking through my college friend Sarah's Friendsters, and he was listed as one of her 62 friends. It turned out Geoff and I both love The Simpsons and The Lord Of The Rings, so I invited him to be my Friendster. I did this without an ounce of prejudice about the fact that he happens to be black. A couple of days later, Geoff accepted my invitation, and we've been Friendsters ever since.
Our columist, Harold Evars, really wants you to know how good a person he is. Not only is he not racist because of his several Black Friendsters, he’s eager to tell you all he’s learned from them:
Just scrolling through their interests has opened my eyes to things I wouldn't ever have known about if all of my Friendsters were white. Without the influence of Kim and Sean, I probably wouldn't have considered reading Milk In My Coffee by Eric Jerome Dickey. But since they both listed it as one of their favorite books, I may check it out someday.
“I may check it out someday” is a wonderfully written line. Passive, noncommittal, all good intentions and no follow-through.
And, of course, the column ends on a “Why can’t we all just get along?” note, complete with Friendster features from early 2004:
Deep down, we're all just people with profiles on Friendster. Sure, the face in Sean's uploaded jpeg might be black, and the one in mine might be white, but at the end of the day, aren't we both just two humans walking the same earth in search of Activity Partners, Friends, and Dating (Women)?
This column is probably best known as the one about Friendster. But we should also remember this column because it showcases The Onion’s ability to take a known cultural premise, change a few words, and completely change the meaning.
In 2009, The Onion returned to Friendster with this “Today Now!” video:
Area People doing Area Things
“Typo Results In 10,000-Acre Wyoming Skate Park” combines 2 loves of mine: The Onion’s silly maps and typos.
This story is all about the harm we cause to society by not paying attention:
Park officials said the typo went undetected, as it was a minor rider to the "Healthy Forests Initiative," which granted timber companies greater access to public forests.
As you might expect, the park design tramples the natural landscape, but there are half-hearted attempts to honor the geography (and Tony Hawk):
Additional features of the park include a system of high-curbs and railings to replicate the natural environment of street skaters, a goofy-footed stalefish estuary on the banks of the Laramie River, and a 120-acre migration habitat intended to draw the graceful yet elusive Tony Hawk.
The Onion also enjoys the opportunity to use skateboarding slang, although I can’t vouch for the accuracy:
I hope other states will follow the precedent set by Gov. Freudenthal and consider creating ideal environments for ripping wicked fakies."
This local newspaper story from 2004 talks about this article and even interviewed The Onion writer John Krewson:
"If the story had any point at all, it's that stuff in government gets done for dumb reasons sometimes," Krewson said. "I just tried to do a good job of making a funny story."
Sounds like a good reason for an Onion article!
I’ve always enjoyed “Short-Distance Relationship Too Much Work” for the twist on the much-discussed challenges of long-distance relationships. And there’s something to it — dating and breaking up with someone in the same building can be treacherous.
"At first, Jack would brag about how cool it was to get a midnight 'booty call' from a sexy girl only three doors down and one floor below," Petrakis' friend Doug Maris said. "He was like, 'I don't even need to change out of my pajamas. I just put on slippers, answer the door, and I'm ready for action.'"
"He's not bragging anymore," Maris continued. "Last week, a bunch of the guys were hanging out at his place when someone knocked on the door. Jack made us all stand there, frozen in place and totally silent, for about five minutes until he could be sure that whoever it was had left."
The girlfriend, Justine Froeger, isn’t loving this, either. She appreciated the change from a long-distance Toledo, Ohio, boyfriend but hates how Jack whistles “that same OutKast song” every time he uses the elevator. (Has to be “Hey Ya,” right? The song was in the middle of 9 straight weeks atop the Billboard Hot 100.)
If variety is the spice of life, they are out of spices:
"Now we have no excuse to make it downtown or anyplace else," Froeger continued. "And believe me, Jack doesn't look for one, either. We just order delivery from the menus we both already know by heart."
I’ve always enjoyed this article, in part because it raises conflicting emotions. On the one hand, this new relationship shouldn’t feel suffocating. On the other hand, get over yourselves!
Other Area People items include:
The front-page headline “Fran Drescher Screeches Out For Cancer Awareness” seems too easy a joke.
The other front-page photo/headline is “Crucifix A Testament To Man's Wealth.” This makes me laugh.
“Grandmother Can't Believe They Let People With Tattoos On Price Is Right”: This illustrates a massive cultural shift regarding tattoos in public. I also enjoyed this sentence:
“Luckily, Grunfelder's two other means of access to the outside world—the AARP newsletter and reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman—remain tattoo-free.”
“Feedback Taking Too Long To Be Positive”: As an editor, this is usually true.
“McDonald's Introduces McCrazy Burger”: A mad-cow disease joke. Topical, but forgettable.
Were the infographics good?
“What Medical Advice Are We Ignoring?” is fine, I guess. None of these really made me laugh. “Something about being contagious” is my favorite, if only for the mystery.
I had to look up “The Mars Rover” to see whether this was a successful NASA mission — and it was! The rovers operated until 2010 and 2018, respectively.
Credit to The Onion for combining Mars research with random jokes that pleased them, like the “Star Wars” defense joke: “SDI satellites often identify probes as storm clouds, Korean airliners, or flocks of geese, and shoot them down.”
Also nice to see Ludacris mentioned, since NASA literally helped with the space scenes in “Fast 9,” along with the “man from Mars” shoutout to Blondie’s “Rapture.”
What columnists ran?
The legendary Jackie Harvey returns with “An Entertaining New Year.”
Jackie Harvey, for the unfamiliar, is The Onion’s entertainment columnist. His column is called The Outside Scoop,2 and he’s an enthusiastic but not very accurate promoter of Hollywood. His writing style resembles Larry King’s old USA Today columns.
Harvey crowns Steve Martin as “Entertainer of the Year” for some reason. (Harvey misnames all his movies but not his book “Cruel Shoes.”)
Usually, The Onion only has Harvey misspell a few names. Not this time! The celebrity misspellings include: Mike Myers, Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Howie Long, Terri Hatcher, Geena Davis, Alicia Silverstone, Kelly Clarkson and Clay Aitken.
Also, he is happy about the Saddam Hussein capture and thinks it was entertainment (and maybe he’s right?):
Item! Saddam? We got him! All the best military operations are named after '80s action films, and this one was no exception. Operation Red Dawn was a smashing success, flushing the Butcher Of Baghdad out into the open and bringing him to justice. Justice for all! Hooray!
I love Harvey. So joyful, so stupid.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week was Scorpio. Generations of long-suffering Chicago Bears fans can unite!
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll make big news in Biblical archaeology when you find evidence that Job's trials included a four-year stint as head coach of the Chicago Bears.
What holds up best?
There are many good choices in this issue. “Short-Distance Relationship Too Much Work” has always been one of my favorites from this era. I’ve spent almost my entire adult life living in apartment buildings, so I can easily envision this scenario.
What holds up worst?
“Fran Drescher Screeches Out For Cancer Awareness” is lazy. And she actually was a cancer survivor!
What would be done differently today?
The Onion would have to generate many more Iraq War jokes. How would they have time for these deeply crafted long-form articles? And I can only imagine the social media fighting that would happen.
There’d be no Jackie Harvey, sadly.
As usual, the stories about human foibles and shortcomings feel like the ones that are most likely to be written today. On The Onion’s website this week in 2024 were headlines like “Drunk Guy Who Fell Off Balcony Would Have Wanted Friends To Keep Partying” and “Economic Headwinds Narrowly Avoid C-Suite Budget For 15th Consecutive Quarter,” which are very wordy headlines but otherwise could have published in 2004.
Thank you
Thank you for being here! Please share this newsletter with anyone you think might enjoy it.
We’ll be back next week to talk about artificial intelligence (topical!), federal air marshals, Rosie O’Donnell, and some surely uncontroversial jokes about Israel and American political discourse. See you then!
Reminds me my passport expired and I need to renew it. And I can’t wait to see what kind of weird photo I get this time.
My go-to movie/box office columnist has long been Scott Mendelson, who wrote at Forbes for a long time and is now at Puck. He has a Substack now, and I wonder whether the name is a Jackie Harvey homage.
Be advised that the Wyoming Tribune Eagle misspelled John Krewson.
My guess for the OutKast song is “Elevators (Me and You)”? It was almost ten years old at that point but, fits the theme