20 years ago in The Onion, Bill Clinton Googled himself
Plus, a CEO's wife outsources marital relations, a substitute teacher freaks, and jokes about Segway, Paris Hilton and Chicago.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Dec. 10, 2003.
We’ve reached The Onion’s penultimate issue of 2003. Today, we revisit the days when Bill Clinton and Google search were still big news. I really like this issue, and I hope you have as much fun exploring it as I did.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 48, the 173rd new Onion issue of the 2000s. There is no 2003 website archive yet again. Here’s the website from 2013 and today.
The front-page headline “Guns & Ammo Office Holiday Party Exactly What You’d Expect” is no longer online. The magazine was also mentioned in 2002’s “Peace Activist Has To Admit Barrett .50 Caliber Sniper Rifle Is Pretty Cool.”
What was the top story, and other impressions?
One of my favorite parts of starting this newsletter in 2020 was exploring the last year of the Clinton presidency.1 By 2003, Clinton rarely appeared.
“Clinton Googles Self” brings back our 42nd president while reminding us how American society viewed him and the Internet. For context:
Google in 2003 surpassed Yahoo as the leading search engine. Gmail is 4 months away from being introduced.
Clinton was somewhat of a Luddite president, claiming to have sent only 2 emails as president (and saying in 2015 he still didn’t use email; these claims are almost certainly not true).
But by late 2003, even Onion Bill Clinton wanted to know what the Internet said about him. And this is where 20 years makes a huge difference. Yes, Google still links to news articles, Amazon products and images. But Bill Clinton’s browsing was very different from ours:
Clinton is excited to make a desktop tile background from old “Rock the Vote” images.
He clicks on “I’m feeling lucky” for a search of his name. He also plans to explore Google Groups.
He finds a humor site called SincerelyBill.com that made, essentially, crude deepfake videos of Clinton. This site existed in 2003. RIP Shockwave, which powered this site.
Clinton enjoys seeing his credits on IMDB and reading about himself on Infoplease and Encyclopedia.com, which looked like this in 2003.
Clinton knows how to use Google search operators!
Clinton then started to add qualifiers, searching for "Bill Clinton + my inspiration" and "Bill Clinton + sax."
"The 'Clinton + hot' search was disappointing," Clinton said. "It turned up a few Arkansas tourism pages that listed Hot Springs [AR] as 'The hometown of Bill Clinton.' Or it brought up porn sites that had nothing to do with me."
I’m assuming this “Dancing Clintons” image above is from a real website, although it was probably powered by Flash or Shockwave, making it essentially inaccessible today.
The Onion’s Clinton also plans to join a chat room:
"I've only gone through the first couple hundred web sites, and I still haven't used the 'groups' or the 'directory' search options," Clinton said. "I'll probably do that next. I remember I once stumbled on a chat room devoted to discussions about my presidency. Maybe I should pose as a conservative Republican and find out what people really think about me. That might be fun."
2003 wasn’t that long ago, but articles like this remind us how quickly technology and culture can shift.
“Report: Poor People Pretty Much Fucked” is one of many Onion “news” stories that cites a study from a fictional think tank. In this case, it’s the Center for Social and Economic Research reporting that class mobility is dead. 2
"Although poor people have never had it particularly sweet, America has long been considered the land of opportunity, where upward class mobility is hard work's reward," Park said. "However, our study shows that limited access to quality education and a shortage of employment opportunities in depressed areas all but ensure that, once fucked, an individual tends to stay fucked."
The Onion tries to deal with this depressing news by combining an academic tone with a bunch of curse words. There are 4 key groups who will always remain poor, The Onion reports, calling them the “Factory Fucked,” “Farm Fucked,” “Recently Fucked” and “Utterly Fucked.”
I guess this is OK? It feels predictable, right down to the unsympathetic quotes from an economist and then-House Speaker Dennis Hastert:
"Nobody's saying poor people aren't fucked," Hastert said. "But what about all the people in this great nation who are not fucked? If the financial resources of the economically stable are diverted—through some well-intentioned but fiscally irresponsible social-service program—to the people who are fucked, where does that leave those who were sailin' along fine? Fucked."
Is this article relevant today? Only in the broadest sense — we’re always debating whether the economy is actually strong and whether it’s creating opportunities for Americans (and which ones).
The other politics-related story in the Dec. 10, 2003, issue is “The Worldwide AIDS Crisis,” which was especially bad in sub-Saharan Africa. The Onion asked people on the street what they thought. The circumstances are tragic, but they do yield one of the best Onion responses by the ubiquitous “systems analyst”:
"We're losing the war on AIDS. And drugs. And poverty. And terror. But we sure took it to those Nazis. Man, those were the days."
Glen Luther • Systems Analyst
Area People doing Area Things
“CEO's Marital Duties Outsourced To Mexican Groundskeeper” is the latest Onion story making fun of CEOs (following items like “Late-Working CEO Calls Out For Coffee In Vain” and “Tanzania Loses Name To Tanning-Salon Chain”).
It’s also deliberately based on stereotypes: The hard-charging CEO neglecting his family, the bored housewife, the Latino groundskeeper/boy toy, and the fear of immigrants taking hard-working Americans’ jobs. The Onion wants you to laugh at this article while realizing why these jokes seem familiar.
As an extra touch, The Onion writes about all of this like it’s a Bloomberg article about business deals:
"The switchover was seamless, considering how rapidly the deal was closed," said Melanie, who initiated the informal arrangement with Escobedo on Nov. 20, while he was cleaning the equipment shed. "Well, in truth, I was considering a move in this direction for some time, and looking into possibilities. Then Jorge offered me a very attractive package, and I decided it was in my interest to act. I've been very pleased with his initial performance."
Melanie reassures us that her husband, United Carborundum CEO Howard Reinhardt, is still responsible for buying her stuff and paying the bills. But this outsourcing remains a worry for American workers. Again, the stereotypes are deliberate and explicit:
The Reinhardt household has been moving toward a more modular operation for years now. Laundry duties are handled by a small Chinese concern; child-rearing and education are performed by a live-in salaried Irish employee; and a loosely organized, rotating consortium of Italians, Japanese, and Greeks handles food service. The sexual-services agreement, however, marks the Reinhardts' first use of highly skilled foreign manpower.
A Detroit News journalist even brings up American CEOs’ complicity in globalization!
"If American executives are not willing to shoulder the increased personal investment of time and energy required to keep the jobs in-house, globalization is just something they're going to have to accept," Johannsen added.
Infidelity, immigration, globalization, vague anti-NAFTA sentiment, the lives of the rich and famous — The Onion touches on all of this in fewer than 750 words without delivering a polemic.
“Substitute Teacher Totally Freaks” brings back memories from grammar and high school. Substitute teaching is a brutal job!
Pamela Krafft is (was?) a substitute known for being relatively chill and conflict-avoidant. But on this day, she gets increasingly frustrated and curt before losing it and storming out — multiple times! Some of this is self-inflicted, as Krafft knocks over her coffee and pokes herself in the eye trying to put her glasses back on.
Students and teachers in neighboring rooms remained glued to their seats, paralyzed with fear and confusion, as Krafft issued near-random disciplinary actions against the students, hurling pink detention slips and parent-teacher-conference request forms with undisguised contempt, screaming obscenities all the while.
"I heard the sub scream, 'Go to hell,'" said senior Kyle Riggs, who overheard the commotion from the classroom across the hall. "Then there was some banging, and she said, 'I don't get paid enough to take this shit,' and then something about a babysitter."
The closing quote reminds me of a time the music teacher blew up on my 7th or 8th grade class — and he wasn’t even the substitute!
"Man, those freshmen really screwed up this time," senior Kyle Ewan told reporters. "Colmes is a real hardass. It's going to be as bad as the time those juniors made the music teacher cry. You can bet he's going to let them have it, and good, for messing with that sub."
I’ve highlighted so many stories already, but this week’s Area People stories are a wonderful batch. They include:
“Chicago Out Of Names For Subdivisions”: I was just in Chicago and Oak Park for Thanksgiving, and damn this is true for the whole metropolitan area. “We have used every tree, body of water, and living thing in the almanac,” says Mayor Richard M. Daley. Even the Chicago Tribune conceded this in 2008!
“Neurosurgeon Heckled From Observation Deck”: “Go back to Johns Hopkins” is a delightful heckle. This reminds me of “The Simpsons” episode “Homer’s Triple Bypass” with Dr. Nick Riviera.
“Drunken Episode A Repeat”: Thankfully about a party guest and not domestic violence:
"Sure, some parts, like when Phil pees in front of everyone, or when he pretends to have sex with the pets, are sort of entertaining the second time around, but on the whole, it was pretty tough to sit through twice."
“Baby Boring”: Tremendous headline.
“Stick Shift Bragged About”: This headline is only more relevant as automakers phase out manual transmissions.
“Christmas Pageant Enters Pre-Production”: This article mentions Lutheran minister Dave Genzler. It’s unknown whether he’s related to Presbyterian minister Donald Genzler, the subject of July 2003’s “Minister Constantly Mentioning Teenage Son's Virginity.”
Finally, there were 2 front-page photos with just a headline, no article.
“Cast-Off Paris Hilton Skin Found In Upper West Side Park”: I’d prefer no mentions of Paris Hilton, but I guess this is fine.
“Only Two Segways In Town Collide”: The Onion loved a Segway joke! I admit I laughed at the visual.
Were the infographics good?
“Stopping Spam” looked at Congress’ work on the CAN-SPAM Act, which still governs email marketing practices.
As someone who’s worked in email for most of my career, these jokes are probably funnier to me than you. I’m also a sucker for jokes like “Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Spam and Firearms.”
The Onion’s most prescient joke might be “Hire government agents to personally sort through every American’s inbox every morning and assign each e-mail a relevant color code” because of the NSA’s surveillance.
“What Are We Doing Before Our First Date?” is from an era where online dating barely existed3 and where you were probably emailing or using a regular telephone to communicate. Still, I like these jokes!
I like “Reporting anxiety on blog, with promises to update” because isn’t this just the 2003 version of people sharing their lives on Twitter, Instagram Stories and other social media?
Also, “Going on practice first date with a ‘pro’” makes me laugh, mostly for the scare quotes around “pro.”
What columnists ran?
“Let's Get The Old Regime Back Together” feels like a former Soviet longing for the old days. Still, it’s carefully fictionalized — places like Vladisnostok, Nozodoroshevo and Bukagachi don’t appear to exist.
This is a straightforward column about an old man’s nostalgia, except Lukin Luzhnincy misses revolution, oppression and dictatorship. His gang was apparently the garage band of regimes!
I'll admit that the days when we were relatively unknown were hard. We had to go through all that agricultural reform, the empowerment of peasants, and the stringing up of corrupt local officials. But remember those all-night bull sessions in Yuri's garage, where we formulated our naïve early plans for world domination? Remember riding around the country in a beat-up van, playing to the poor locals' feelings of disenfranchisement and alienation? Those were some good times.
Eventually, they became famous. Bigger than Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu, he brags! They met Oliver North! But all good things eventually end.
I love this passage:
Ah, I guess we all were a little crazy back then. Near the end, I didn't think we were ever going to get out of it alive. Well, Nikolai didn't. I told him all the time, man, once a backlash starts, and Bono is writing lyrics about you, and Americans are starting to act like they've hated you all along, it's time to think about moving on.
It’s unknown whether his comrades accept his offer, which includes “a copy of our Declaration of Ascendancy, and a grain silo in Bukagachi filled with Kalashnikov assault rifles.”
Our other columnist is Onion regular Jim Anchower with “I Never Shoulda Left The House.” He’s still at his bus-driving job and complaining about his lousy Ford Festiva (the one he bought after burning down his old one in August 2003’s “You Gotta Be Careful With Fireworks”).
Anchower is a dreamer, although he’s kind of like the crappiest Leonardo da Vinci:
I've been thinking about how to make a car into a helicopter, so I can get places faster. I think I got it figured out. I just need some propellers. Don't go trying to take that idea, though. It's mine, and if you steal it, I will find you and beat your ass.
The Onion’s commitment to continuity is wonderful. Not only do we get updates on Anchower’s car and job, but he’s solved his TV problem from October 2003’s “Anyone Got A TV To Spare?”
The rest of the story is about his no-good, horrible Thanksgiving, which includes drinking too much, puking the next day, running the bus into someone’s rental car , and being rude to his friend’s mother at Thanksgiving dinner. Poor Jim — can’t get out of his own way.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week was Sagittarius — the specificity is wonderful:
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll compete with the Devil for your immortal soul in a midnight game of Scrabble, and win handily when he can only think of creepy, depressing Latin words.
What holds up best?
For me, “Substitute Teacher Totally Freaks” brought back so many vivid memories. It’s not like I saw many substitutes lose their minds, either! The writing is simply that vivid and realistic.
I’ve grown to appreciate “Chicago Out Of Names For Subdivisions” now that I spend a few weeks there each year.
What holds up worst?
The suicide joke at the end of the horoscopes is … I guess a joke? Feels like something you’d say to someone you actually hated.
What would be done differently today?
There would be more coverage of the upcoming presidential election. Sadly, the columnists and infographics would not exist. Probably a bunch of semi-funny slideshows.
Thank you
Thank you for being here! Please share this newsletter with anyone you think might enjoy it.
I can’t believe we’re wrapping up 4 years here. See you next week as we review The Onion’s final new issue of 2003!
I did a deep dive on Onion Bill Clinton a couple of years back.
Real research suggests some truth to this in late 2003 — poor Americans had an unusually low chance of moving into the top 5%; the U.S. trailed other countries in intergenerational mobility; and more households were suffering income declines, especially in 2003-04.
To be fair, The Onion mentioned Match.com in August 2003’s “Horrified Teen Stumbles Upon Divorced Mom's Personal Ad.”
Remember that old article about dolphins with thumbs? It's real!
https://www.livescience.com/animals/dolphins/extremely-rare-dolphin-with-thumbs-photographed-in-greek-gulf