20 years ago, The Onion automated Congress

We also have Saddam bragging about crimes against humanity and stories about supporting the troops, the SARS epidemic, Bill Clinton and Kevin Spacey.

Apr 16, 2023

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit April 16, 2003.

Happy to see so many new subscribers this week! Also, I haven’t figured out how I might use Substack Notes — or if I should. Let me know if you have any ideas.

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What issue is this?

This was Vol. 39, Issue 14, the 142nd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today.

The front-page headline “Book On Tape Fast-Forwarded” is no longer online. That’s a good joke for 2003. Sadly, saying “on tape” in 2023 reveals your age. Also, playing podcasts at 2 or 3 times speed is apparently normal now!

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Left: A man standing in the front yard with a house behind him. Right: A man standing in front of lockers in a school hallway. — Left: Strauss, who said he backs "99.9 percent" of America's troops. Right: A 1997 photo of U.S. Marine Ricky Dorner, whom Strauss called "a world-class asshole."

This issue has so much nostalgia — but not necessarily the good kind. Who looks back fondly on SARS, the search for WMDs or Saddam Hussein’s reign of terror?

This issue published on April 16, 2003, after U.S.-led forces captured Baghdad and other major cities. The war’s combat phase wasn’t officially over, but we were getting close.

“Area Man Supports The Troops He Didn't Go To High School With” is an Iraq war story, but it’s also a classic story about disliking high school and holding grudges against your old classmates. Our protagonist is Jon Strauss, a 22-year-old in Missouri who manages a Blockbuster (RIP).

I like that Strauss doesn’t hate the troops; he just hates a few of them — namely, high school classmates who bullied him:

"Troy Nowicki, this guy who was in my junior-year gym class, is in the Navy now," Strauss said. "He was on the football team, and he used to love to tease me and give me purple nurples and generally make my life miserable. Once, he head-butted me so hard, I couldn't hear for an hour. Fucking asshole. Yeah, I'm really praying for his safe return."

Strauss also hates Ricky Dorner (pictured above), who whipped pennies at him while he gave a speech on the Teapot Dome scandal; Frank Deroia, a “burnout” who made fun of Strauss’ clothes; and Craig Veryzer, who made fun of Strauss’ acne.

The Onion also mentions famous prisoner of war Private First Class Jessica Lynch.

Saddam greets admirers during his late-'90s Iraqi-killing heyday.

I’ve written extensively about The Onion’s approach to Iraq war coverage. In short, The Onion attacked President George W. Bush but also mocked the media’s coverage and regular Americans’ reactions. The Onion was sometimes serious and sometimes silly, like with “Iraq, Kentucky Vie For World Shooting-Into-The-Air Supremacy.”

Notably, while The Onion’s staff probably opposed the war, they didn’t forget that Saddam Hussein was a bad person. And that led to articles like “Saddam Proud He Still Killed More Iraqi Civilians Than U.S.”

The Onion portrays Saddam as a dictator version of 2004's "Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move." The weird part about reading it in 2023 is that Saddam clearly thinks no one will catch him in civilian deaths, and yet, the U.S. probably did?

(Sidebar: Desperately trying not to start a political war here. All I’m saying is that we know this war led to many, many excess civilian deaths (albeit without consensus on the precise number) — and The Onion’s fictional Saddam would have been surprised by this!)

Anyways, this was all unknown in April 2003. What we did know was that Saddam the Despotic Braggart was a good Onion character:

While estimates of the number of Iraqi civilians killed by the U.S. ranges from 500 all the way to 10,000, Saddam and his associates are believed to have murdered somewhere between 100,000 and 250,000 civilians since 1968.
"The international press counts off on their fingers every Iraqi that dies by Bush's missiles," Saddam said. "The papers make a big story of it when six Iraqi civilians are killed by American GIs near Basra, or when 15 Iraqi civilians are killed in air strikes on Baghdad. What paltry death tolls. I cannot even begin to add up how many died in Basra upon my orders, how many in Baghdad I killed with my own gun."

Saddam breaks down his killings like a highlight reel: political opponents, women and children, Shiite Muslims and Iraqi Kurds — not to mention his early career as a Ba’ath torturer in the 1960s. He also is proud of his family:

"I remember the day my cousin [Commander of Southern Forces] Ali [Hassan al-Majid] dropped chemical weapons on the town of Halabja," said Saddam, referring to the March 1988 slaughter of 5,000 Kurds. "That is how he got his nickname, 'Chemical Ali.' Much better nickname than 'Dubya,' wouldn't you say?"

Saddam also brags about his lead on Bush:

"Bush has a long way to go before he can match me," Saddam added. "My hands are red with the blood of the innocent. His are merely a light pink."

Sometimes, the best way to talk about horrible things is to make jokes. The Onion knows this well.

“The Search For WMD” was published when there was still widespread belief that Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction would be discovered.

I like the silly jokes (“vast stash of chemical mustache clearers” and the salt/sodium chloride line). There are also callbacks to George H.W. Bush, such as the real-life use of depleted uranium rounds in the Persian Gulf war and a fictional rifle gifted to Saddam by then-Vice President Bush.

Also, The Onion references a gay adult film, and while that doesn’t seem to exist, IMDB says there’s a 2002 adult film with that name. My Google search history is a disaster because of this newsletter.

The Onion’s final Iraq/war-related item is the front-page headline “Vegan Soldier Keeps Asking Everyone If They Want Their Bread.” This joke feels very old for 2 reasons: Vegans are not unusual anymore, and being gluten-free has become a bigger deal in the last 20 years.

Remember SARS?

I started this newsletter in January 2020, right before COVID-19 took over the world. So it’s ... interesting to re-read this week's “What Do You Think?”1 feature, “The SARS Epidemic.”

While we might read this with COVID in mind, it’s more of a window into Americans’ fears and assumptions from the early 2000s: worries about terrorism, casual stereotypes about Asia and Chinatown neighborhoods, and more.

For example:

"From now on, I'm making sure to steer way the hell clear of the Chinatown section of my city, just like I always have."
Todd Cassell • Attorney

I always appreciate it when an Onion story reminds us of what the culture was like 20 years ago. A big part of this newsletter is looking back at our society and how we’ve changed (or haven’t).

Congress Embraces Automation

A legislating machine does the work of 10 members of the House Subcommittee on Financial Institutions and Consumer Credit.

I love revisiting “45 More Legislators Lose Jobs To Increased Congressional Automation” in an era where Sen. Dianne Feinstein is somehow an active senator and where proxy votes only existed during the pandemic (and only in the House).

This article was funny then, but it’s even more powerful today. Just look at how The Onion (accidentally) predicted the power of AI in 2003:

"The fact is, there's little a human legislator does that a machine can't handle," Barnes said. "All you have to do is program the machine as either Democrat or Republican, and it'll vote along the exact same party lines as a real lawmaker. We know exactly how Ted Kennedy or Orrin Hatch will vote on, say, banning flag-burning, so there's really no reason to keep them around when a machine can do it for a fraction of the cost."
"Frankly," Barnes continued, "I wouldn't be surprised if, in 20 years, the machines get phased out in favor of computer simulations that can carry out an entire legislative session—from introduction of a bill to debate to vote—in a fraction of a second."

I forgot that Rep. Dennis Hastert was the House speaker and Rep. Tom DeLay was the majority leader back then.

Even in this hyperpartisan era, there’s something nice about The Onion just slamming everyone in Congress as useless.

Area People doing Area Things

“New Children's Book Helps Kids Deal With Pain And Isolation Of Plastic Surgery” is quite a headline. And it’s somewhat factual — plastic surgeries on children increased by 14% from 2000 to 2003.

This article feels very relevant in 2023, which is probably not good for society.

The book, “Norah's New Nose,” is written by plastic surgeon Jessica Krieg. Everything in this article is written in therapeutic language. It’s all about acceptance, assuaging children’s fears and building up their confidence. Of course, it’s all a ruse — the point is that these ugly children require plastic surgery to be better people:

Using an enchanted mirror, Mommy shows Norah the difference between her own perfect nose and her daughter's "big, broad, bulky bird beak." Norah starts to cry, but Mommy assures her that doctors at the hospital can solve her problem, just like they solved Mommy's.
"I wanted to show these kids that the changes they go through in the plastic-surgery ward are normal and natural," Krieg said. "It's not like getting your tonsils out. It's something to make you even better instead of just barely good enough."

"You mean I'll never be flat-chested again?" Cottonball asked drowsily.

The book also attempts to introduce what might be considered “empowering” language in another context:

"I like the part where Lissa The Thin-Lipped Butterfly changes from a butterfly into a beautiful betterfly," said Amanda Robles, 8, a collagen-therapy patient from Long Beach, CA.

“Betterfly.”

Meanwhile, famed pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton objects to the book, but the author says that’s just because he’s jealous.

This article is disheartening to me, but that’s a credit to The Onion’s writers because they executed this premise so well.

Were the infographics good?

“How Are We Trying To Impress Our In-Laws?” is a collection of simple, easy jokes, but I like most of them. I especially like the illustration of the son-in-law juggling bread, a coffee mug and a knife. Also, what a set of eyebrows on him!

What columnists ran?

“Are All Women Nutso, Or Just The Ones I Cheat On My Wife With?” is the age-old tale of the philanderer who doesn’t understand why his mistresses can’t be normal gals. It’s a 2000s version of the Jack Lemmon movie “The Apartment,” I guess?

The article is predictable, so I won’t spend too much time on it. I do want to point out a few cultural references that feel ancient in 2023:

Case in point. A few months ago, I was shopping at Circuit City for a new Palm Pilot, and I met this great-looking woman: real stylish, late 20s, great body, the works. She was an executive for a record company, so I figured she must have her shit together, right? Wrong.

Circuit City! Palm Pilot! Calling it “a record company”!

Our other column is “If I Could Do It All Over Again, I'd Omit The Hard Work,” and it’s a clever twist on the old advice about not focusing too much on work. Instead of columnist Stephen Gerald saying he wished he’d worked less, or focused more on family, he’s simply wishing he hadn’t done any work:

All that terrific goofing-off time in my teens and twenties, when I could have been stoned or drunk or catatonic in front of the TV, is gone forever. And why? Because I had my nose buried deep in some book, or was helping Dad paint the house. What a colossal waste.

Gerald also regrets starting his successful landscaping business, building his own home and his 38-year marriage.

Usually, we talk about the rewards of hard work and family. Gerald disagrees:

Yes, I have a soulmate and a confidant, but, really, when comes down to it, I just want to be having sex on a regular basis. Was it worth all the endless nights ironing out knotty relationship issues and keeping her happy with gifts and affection just for some sex, when a good hooker would have done the trick? I'd say no.

Then there are the kids. What was I thinking? Okay, so seeing your newborn child for the first time is a thrill that can't be equaled, I'll grant you that. But that moment of joy is dwarfed by all the headaches and hassles that come later.

Did someone on The Onion’s writing staff go through a bad divorce in early 2003? So much pessimism about relationships!

What was the best horoscope?

This week’s horoscopes have references to zombies, Abraham Lincoln and John Goodman, but my favorite is Libra, with its wartime metaphors:

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your battle with hair loss intensifies this week when hair loss brings in artillery to support the infantry positions it established near your supply routes.

What holds up best?

There’s a lot in this issue that accidentally feels relevant, even visionary, 20 years later, but I’m going with “Area Man Supports The Troops He Didn't Go To High School With.” It’s a timeless joke about how people never forget what high school was like.

What holds up worst?

I guess it’s “Clinton Emotionally Ready To Start Getting Blow Jobs Again”? There’s nothing wrong with it, per se, but it feels like such a 1990s joke.

What would be done differently today?

We’d have way more Iraq coverage if such a war were occurring today, especially because The Onion has to post new content daily, not just weekly.

This SARS joke feels like it would not survive today, although I would love a good Toyotathon joke:

"You have to wonder what monstrosity the Orient will unleash on humanity next. I mean, SARS, anime, Toyotathons…"
Frank Banks • Systems Analyst

Thank you

Grateful to have y’all here. Next week, we combine the Iraq war and reality TV, plus a look back at Christopher Hitchens and doggy heaven.

The Onion eventually renamed this feature “American Voices,” but I think “What Do You Think?” is a better name.

The Onion: 20 Years Later