20 years ago, The Onion warned us about AI
Who knew AI and "The Matrix" would be so relevant still? Also, we revisit federal marshals on planes, lots of politics, Rosie O'Donnell's fans, diet books and much more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Jan. 21, 2004.
Thanks to folks in the comments last week who shed light on things I missed, including the Wyoming newspaper that profiled The Onion but misspelled the Onion writer’s name. Copy editing was in short supply then and hasn’t improved.
This week, let’s reexamine what we thought about artificial intelligence(!) 20 years ago.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 03, the 176th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headlines “African-American Neighborhood Terrorized By Ask Murderer” and “Laugh Track Easily Amused” are no longer online.
The “ask murderer” headline is provocative has its fans and even made a site’s 2013 list of the top 100 Onion headlines. I sympathize with this 2007 forum poster’s opinion.
I love the laugh track joke, but how many TV shows have laugh tracks anymore? Is that a reference someone under 25 understands?
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Scientists Abandon AI Project After Seeing The Matrix” is a curious story. When it ran in 2004, readers probably enjoyed the satire of people taking “The Matrix” too seriously. Sure, there was nascent debate over AI, but most of us weren’t reading academic papers like “Are You Living In A Computer Simulation?” or “Ethical Issues in Advanced Artificial Intelligence,” which posits an AI obsessed with one goal:
It also seems perfectly possible to have a superintelligence whose sole goal is something completely arbitrary, such as to manufacture as many paperclips as possible, and who would resist with all its might any attempt to alter this goal.
Fast forward to 2024. “The Matrix” is lauded for its predictive powers, and people talk about red-pilling without irony. Meanwhile, AI threatens 40% of global jobs, and real-life thinkers have petitioned to stop AI development!
At this moment, what old Onion story is more relevant?
The story centers on fictional MIT scientist Dr. Gregory Jameson,1 who is leading an effort to oppose AI development after watching the Keanu Reeves movie:
In the statement, researchers said they were "frightened by the disastrous potential of AI" and called the Matrix trilogy of science-fiction action-thrillers a "wake-up call to any scientist concerned with the long-term consequences of his work," as well as a "freaky head-trip about a future run by floating metallic drones that look kind of like really scary seafood."
The Onion reports that scientists were especially alarmed by “The Matrix Reloaded”2 and “The Matrix Revolutions”
Added Arronovski: "I want no hand in creating a world where only Keanu Reeves can protect my great-grandchildren from a giant drill that plummets through the ceilings of subterranean cave dwellings."
I love that The Onion is touching on real-life concerns about the dangers of AI (albeit fears that were more theoretical 20 years ago), but connecting all of it to Keanu and the Wachowskis rather than actual science or technology.
The Onion has 2 hokey pop-culture references that I nonetheless enjoyed. One, this photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger, solely to pretend “The Terminator” is also real life.
Two, the very end of this article, quoting a fictional ethicist:
But in the wake of the Wachowski brothers' prophetic series, we must, as the '90s alternative-rock band Rage Against The Machine urged us, 'wake up.'"
Hey, remember these things from the early 2000s?
For as visionary as the AI article feels today, the other 3 big stories from Jan. 21, 2004, are firmly outdated. That’s OK!
“Air Marshal Stuck In Conversation About Passenger's Patio” is from the post-9/11 era, when the federal government made a big deal about expanding the air marshal fleet.3
Marshal Kirk Gillam is subjected to 2 hours of patio remodeling discussion by Terrence Delsman on a flight operated by American Trans Air, which went bankrupt in 2008.
Gillam, who knows 18 different ways to disarm a knife-wielding adversary, nodded rhythmically as Delsman related the simple pleasure of lounging in his newly finished patio.
"Sure, it was hard work, but it was worth it," Delsman said. "Sitting out there in the summer with a drink in my hand, watching the sun go down… Sometimes I'll invite the neighbors over."
This is a fun read, mostly because we’ve all sat next to a chatty passenger (or been the chatty one, perhaps?).
A couple of notes:
References to long-gone in-flight services like the SkyMall catalog and dinner service on domestic flights.
Gillam says he’s not allowed to read books or sleep on flights, but today’s marshals can read and take naps.
“Labor Secretary Has Her Hours Cut” is an easy joke, but I still enjoy it. Plus, it’s the rare occasion where this 2-time Cabinet member isn’t referred to as “Mitch McConnell’s wife.”
Long story short, Chao is being treated like disposable lowercase-L labor, with her hours cut to 30 per week, saving the Bush administration from providing health insurance, 401(k) matching or even validated parking!
I love that Chao badmouths Chief of Staff Andrew Card and appears to be having a smoke break while talking to The Onion’s reporter. The Onion also takes a shot at President George W. Bush’s economic policies:
On CNN's Crossfire Tuesday, Washington Post columnist David Broder predicted that Chao's workload will not be lightened to reflect her new, truncated work day.
"This is a woman who's used to working long hours and traveling extensively," Broder said. "While there may be some initial efforts to limit her duties, I doubt they'll last long."
Like any company where money talks, Chao notes which Cabinet members aren’t having their hours cut. There’s also a reference to the familiar Onion punching bag Tommy Thompson:
"I don't see [Treasury Secretary John] Snow fearing for his job. Then again, he's in charge of the money. The bigwigs see 'labor' in my job title, and they think, 'Hey, we can push her around.'"
Continued Chao: "If I were [Health and Human Services Secretary] Tommy Thompson, I'd start looking through the classifieds."
I was familiar with Rosie O’Donnell’s talk show back in the day. I did not know about the Chub Club, which probably makes sense. Anyways, “Local Chapter Of Rosie's Chub Club Soldiers On” revisits this subset of her fan base more than 1 year after Rosie ended her talk show.
This Wilmington, Del., chapter has diminished from 28 members to just 4 — and they lose another member during this article. They are doing their best, but …
To keep themselves motivated, Chub Clubbers view old VHS tapes of O'Donnell's show, read printed-out screen captures from her talk show's defunct web site, and mark their weight on a colorful chart featuring O'Donnell's face. Members also play the confidence-boosting games described in the official Chub Club handbook.
This article feels deeply researched, so I can’t critique it. But it’s a sad read now!
The Onion comments on politics
You can’t predict when Bush will show up. Sometimes, The Onion would ignore him for weeks. This issue, he makes multiple appearances, including a couple covered below.
Ah, “The State Of The Union Address.” I especially like the 1st 2 jokes: “Course will be stayed” and “Nothing about uranium this year, that’s for sure.”
When was the last time you watched a State of the Union? I watched one of Obama’s with a friend who wanted to watch it at a restaurant (shoutout to Busboys and Poets in D.C.). Before that? Probably 2002 or 2003?
In the Bush years, angry political books were common, as illustrated in the front-page photo “Disgruntled Liberals Publishing At Furious Pace.” Who dominates this space in the 2020s? I guess it’s a mix of pro- and anti-Trump screeds, but I don’t know.
I can’t make out what the top-left corner book is called. But the other authors include: Kevin Phillips; Michael Moore; Jim Hightower; Al Franken; Robert W. McChesney; Sheldon Rampton & John Stauber; Mike Loe; Joe Garden & Randy Ostrow; and “The New American Crisis” anthology, edited by Greg Ruggiero and Stuart Sahulka.
Also, The Onion addressed the upcoming presidential election in “Yee-Haw! My Vote Cancels Out Y'all's!” which feels too easy of a joke.4 Just feels like “dumb hick 101” writing to me. But that said, I’m sure I found this column hilarious 20 years ago, so maybe I’ve just aged out of it.
Our columnist, Duane Bickels, is all about “ass-kickers,” a category that includes Bush 41 and 43 and Ronald Reagan, but not Bill Clinton. The Onion also reminds us how much people emphasized that 2001 tax rebate:
Well, hey, I might not be educated, but I do got me a big ol' flag, $300 from the government, and a president that, like I told you before, kicked him some ass. It's things like that what make me happy my vote gonna meet y'all's toe-to-toe and take it down!
Plus, what's more, I got to see Saddam get his ass throwed in jail. That's a big ol' switch-a-dilly from a few years ago, when Saddam was runnin' around free while Duane was in the tank, let me tell you.
Hey, I’m happy Duane and Saddam have switched places in life!
In maybe the weirdest story to revisit 20 years later, “Bush Vows To Discover, Legalize Aliens On American, Martian Soil” is a relatively pro-immigration story featuring President Bush, who takes “aliens” very literally. (This article is satirizing Bush’s January 2004 immigration proposal.)
Rush Limbaugh is unhappy about it, by the way.
Finally in politics, The Onion asked people on the street what they thought about “Israel's West Bank Wall,” then under construction. This barrier still stands and certainly seems relevant to the ongoing conflict. The Onion has a range of opinions here, among them its old standby of “a pox on both your houses”:
"A wall is a good start. It's no 'giant lid over the whole fucked-up region.' But it's a start."
Jeff Lockre • Salesman
Area People doing Area Things
The front page features the photo and headline “Area Mother Displays Extensive Goya Collection,” which feels like a real-life story from an Onion writer.
Other Area People stories include:
“14-Word Diet Stretched To 200 Pages”: A predecessor of the “this book could have been an article/blog post” joke. In the business/leadership book genre, where I interacted with many authors, this is also true — some truly great and generous reads and many “I need a book to get speaking gigs” books.
“New Viacom Ad Tells Employees To Get Back To Work” reminds me of the recent video by a company called Internet Brands slightly threatening its workers to return to the office.
“Actual Proctor Met At Party” amused me, particularly this quote: "Turns out, he was just a normal guy. He was standing around eating celery sticks and drinking beer, just like everyone else."
“Narcissist Mentally Undresses Self”: This is a very creepy banker who is lusting after himself. This is a boomer, right? They are the most narcissistic generation, after all!
Were the infographics good?
“What Are We Pretending To Know?” is a great topic. I had to look up François Truffaut, and that’s a good reference!
Mike Tice was the Minnesota Vikings coach then. He has not been a head coach since and quit coaching entirely in 2018, complaining that players don’t want to be coached.
“What happened last night” is a funny sitcom plot and a bad real-life scenario. Same for “Difference between sex and love,” actually.
What columnists ran?
“If You Don't Mind, I'd Like To Take A Crack At Salvaging Your Failing Marriage” combines nosy neighbors, know-it-all dudes and armchair psychologists.
Gabe Mulroney goes hard right out of the gate with his advice. Disrupt your careers!
I've noticed that you work later hours than Jason does. That's not good. The loss of quality time together can generate a lot of friction. Your marriage right now is like a car engine in need of oil. Becca, you've gotta lube up your marriage the same way you'd lube up a car. My suggestion is that you get a job with the same hours as Jason's. If that's unworkable, then how about if Jason brings a picnic dinner to your place of work a couple times a week? Or, better yet, how about you both quit your jobs and start a business together? That way, you can maximize your time together and build a tighter bond.
“You’ve got to lube up your marriage the same way you’d lube up a car” is a phrase, all right.
This guy pays alarming attention to this couple, knowing their hours and sharing specific arguments he’s overheard. Also, this dubious claim:
Any argument that a couple has is proof of an unhealthy bond.
He’s also a gaslighter who sounds like a stalker, honestly. He also tells Becca at one point to “Calm down,” which always helps people calm down.
This is brilliant writing, if unpleasant. Hopefully, you don’t recognize anyone in your life in this guy.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Cancer. This is a great example of “less is more” — would this be as funny if we saw all the filthy language? Probably not.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Jesus will finally speak to you this week, but His message of love will contain such filthy language that your faith will be shaken forever.
What holds up best?
The AI story, although it’s possible that I just read too much about AI and generative AI in particular. I also use AI tools in much of my work (although not for this column, other than Grammarly).
However, if I reviewed this issue before 2023, I’d probably say something like “14-Word Diet Stretched To 200 Pages.”
What holds up worst?
For me, it’s “Local Chapter Of Rosie's Chub Club Soldiers On,” largely because I had no awareness of any of this. It’s well-written, but I can’t connect with the jokes or context.
What would be done differently today?
The 4 full-length articles this week are based at least somewhat on real-life news or people. There’s a lot of political news, plus the “State of the Union” infographic is relatively similar in tone to what The Onion ran in 2023 for Joe Biden's SOTU.
In short, this feels pretty modern.
Thank you
Thank you for being here! Please share this newsletter with anyone you think might enjoy it. We’ll see you next week!
Both of those essays are written by the same guy, Nick Bostrom, who now is worried he might have been too negative about AI.
There was a renowned cardiologist by this name who died in 1992.
The Onion loved covering this movie, including this May 2003 infographic.
While marshals rarely make headlines anymore, they remain an omnipresent and secretive service, as this November 2023 deep dive details.
This article did feel like a counterbalance to the political nobility espoused by “The West Wing,” like that episode where Donna’s too stupid to fill out a ballot.