20 years ago, The Onion talked about '90s punk, mixtape CDs and online product reviews
Plus, DHS gets an anti-terror dog, the Jayson Blair scandal occurred, and Herbert Kornfeld shares the hard-knock Accounts Receivable life.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit May 21, 2003.
Every generation eventually turns on younger people, usually when they realize they aren’t cool or feel their power threatened. This week, we look at a punk who hates Sum 41 but thinks The Offspring is on the Mount Rushmore of classic punk.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 19, the 147th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2013 and today. Once again, there’s no archive of the 2003 website available.
The front-page headline “Novel Obviously Written At Coffee Shop” is no longer online. This joke reminded me of Graham Greene, who has so many stories about “a successful British author” who happens to be at the very spots Greene went to.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
This is a jam-packed issue, and I have so much to say. I'll try to be (sort of) concise.
“Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog” imagines that everyone in the U.S. government talks like good ol’ Southern boys and/or yokels, I guess. I’m from Connecticut, so maybe I’m missing the nuance.
A couple of things stand out to me:
The commitment to the bit. Nearly every paragraph has folksy language in it.
The Department of Homeland Security was a huge deal in the early 2000s. It’s almost forgotten today — just another piece of the national security apparatus.
Anyways, Rufus the dog will single-handedly stop Al Qaeda, guard prominent U.S. landmarks and personally protect DHS Secretary Tom Ridge. Sounds like quite the job!
"Rufus here has one wild hair up his ass 'bout most everything," said Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge, as he introduced the dog, a Rottweiler-pit bull-Doberman mix, to the White House press corps. "But I got a feelin' Rufus has a 'specially wild hair to fetch him up some of them Ay-rab terrorist types."
Ridge is described as wearing a “War On Terrorism" mesh trucker's cap,” although they didn’t Photoshop that, sadly.
The rest of the government is optimistic about Rufus’ capabilities:
"The hijacker ain't been born that won't load up his overalls when ol' Rufus here up an' come at him," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said. "And if'n they don't run, well, they gonna be explainin' to the Muslim St. Peter why they's got a hole in 'em big enough to throw an angry cat through."
The story goes from there. Rufus tries attacking Paul Begala, the former Clinton aide and CNN commentator, and bites Sen. Russ Feingold. There’s also a reference to Alexander the Great’s horse.
Notably, while Tom Ridge often appeared in absurdist articles (here’s a short list), he’s usually depicted as a generic bureaucrat. This is a rare instance where Ridge is parodied.
The other Rumsfeld mention this week is the front-page headline “Rumsfeld Makes Jerk-Off Motions As Powell Speaks At Cabinet Meeting,” featuring a very Photoshopped hand.
How we handled pandemics 20 years ago(?)
“Executing SARS Spreaders in China” is about the Chinese high court saying the death penalty was on the table for anyone deliberately spreading the SARS virus. I don’t know if such executions occurred.
The Onion asked people on the street about this development, which doesn’t age well. There’s a joke about population control that made more sense then than now, plus a fire drill joke based on the old stereotype.
And, well, this throwaway joke would be wildly political nowadays:
"We should let the World Health Organization do the executing. They never get to do the fun stuff."
Colleen Matthews • Teacher
That big New York Times scandal (not Iraq)
Remember Jayson Blair? He’s the guy who brought down the top editor of the New York Times — not by investigative reporting, but by being such a blatant plagiarist and fabulist.
“The Times Plagiarism Scandal” is pretty good. I liked the silly jokes about Mick Jagger, the Japan plagiarism and the Victoria Principal/Saddam Hussein mixup.1 The WMD joke is interesting — a quiet jab at the Bush administration’s rationale.
The Beltway sniper reference is a reminder that Blair made up stuff in that case, too! He was prolific in his dishonesty.
That said, someone at The Onion loved Spice Channel jokes a little too much — the joke here rips off October 2002’s front-page headline “Logo In Corner Of TV Reminds Man He's Masturbating To Spice.”
Revisiting the early internet
“Majority Of Human Discourse Now Occurring In Online Product Reviews” is a classic Onion investigative report often titled “American Focus.” And it’s surprisingly relevant? People still turn to user-submitted product reviews before making purchases. Amazon’s website looks different today, but that screenshot feels familiar.
The Onion also understood how people post online. The platforms change, but people’s quirks do not:
While some online reviewers give little more than basic pros-and-cons of a product or a one- to five-star rating, many use the write-ups as a vital means of self-expression, providing in-depth anecdotes about their own experiences with a particular product, or even their autobiography.
The other familiar note from this 2003 article? The idea that the modern age makes us lonely:
"In our increasingly soulless, mechanized world, it might seem that we're becoming more disconnected from those around us," said Duke sociology professor and study head Dr. Allan Piersall. "Well, the happy news is, people are talking to their fellow humans as much as ever. Only, they're most likely weighing in on the new Ferris polarized sunglasses from Eddie Bauer or expressing dismay over the lack of cleanliness at the Boca Raton Holiday Inn."
In a harrowing foreshadowing of people sharing their every thought online, an Epinions.com (RIP) poster is celebrated for finally sharing his thoughts:
"Though Apodaca wrote an article or two for his high-school newspaper in the late '70s, he all but dropped out of the national dialogue in the decades since," Piersall said. "Once, in 1986, he called in to a talk-radio show, but other than that, the world has had no way of knowing how Randy Apodaca felt on any issue. Until now."
The “national dialogue”!
This article is a fun read. I love how specific The Onion gets — this feels like a real news article, especially with references to the real-life Motorcycle and Macaddict forums.2 Also, here’s what Epinions looked like in 2003.
Area People doing Area Things
If you want to feel old, “'90s Punk Decries Punks Of Today” will help. Our punk, Drew “Steve Spew” Tolbert, is angry about all the new punk bands like Sum 41 and Good Charlotte.
By the way, Sum 41 is breaking up after 27 years! (Fun fact: The photo in the 2003 Onion article and 2023 news story are from the same photoshoot.)
Tolbert does know older punk acts, like The Ramones, the Sex Pistols and The Clash, but he’s especially proud of “classic” acts from the 1990s like Pennywise and Green Day. He’s also mad about the 1990s being called the “punk revival”:
"'Punk revival'… what bullshit," Tolbert said. "Anybody who says punk was 'back' in the '90s doesn't know what they're talking about, because punk never went away. Sure, you didn't hear about it as much in the mainstream corporate media, but punk was always around for the true believers like me and my friends."
Lord, this is a good article in 2003, but it’s even more ridiculous now. Yes, we all appreciate Green Day, but no one talked about them in 2003 as a legacy band (“American Idiot” hadn’t even come out!). For comparison, imagine being irate in 2023 about people not properly appreciating, say, PUP as the legends of punk3
And Tolbert’s probably right that many “punks” in 2003 were pretenders, but man, this quote cracks me up:
Back in the day, man, we used to listen to the real deal: Rancid, The Offspring, NOFX, Green Day. Those guys were what true punk rock was all about. Today's stuff is just a pale, watered-down imitation. There's no comparison."
Please, someone write a thinkpiece about how Sum 41 and The Ataris are the real classic punk, just to twist the knife in this fictional guy.
“New Neighbor Tested With Beer” feels like a sitcom plot and a parody of how Americans test manliness. If nothing else, this article reminds us that craft beer didn’t really exist 20 years ago — Heineken is the “neutral” beer, while Bud Light, Corona and Guinness are the other beers that reveal a man’s true rigor and personality.
"Roger not only accepted the offer to drink with me, but he held his own, drinking three of the six beers," Iwanski said. "He doesn't put his beer in a glass, so he's not some fancy wine-and-cheese guy, but he also says he's never shotgunned a beer in his life, so he's not a party hound. He still hasn't mentioned anything about having a favorite beer, which makes me suspect he's more of a hard-liquor kind of guy. Nothing wrong with that, though."
I like that this guy is so serious about vetting new neighbors for his men’s hangout group. The beer-drinking is just the first phase:
Iwanski said he hopes to conclude the beer test by the end of the month. He then plans to move into Phase Two of his neighbor-evaluation project, closely observing Lundback's reaction to such stimuli as bratwurst, pictures of lingerie models, and conversations about 1960s American muscle cars.
Other Area People stories include:
“Man Adds A Few Personalized Tracks To Standard New-Girlfriend Mix CD” is another historical quirk. Mixtapes were already outdated in 2003, hence the “mix CD.” This man adds “Running” by No Doubt and a couple of Aretha Franklin songs while removing “Whatta Man” by Salt-N-Pepa.
“Bird Has Big Plans For Cage”: I love a talking animal, and Charlie the cockatiel is revamping his cage like it’s a studio apartment. "And once I put up that full-length mirror, it's really gonna open up this space” is a great quote for either situation.
“Systems Administrator Would So Fuck New Trainee”: The headline feels outdated, but this quote from the admin’s co-worker saves the day:
"Obviously, I was stunned. I mean, how often do you come across a balding 51-year-old tech professional who's willing to sleep with a nubile blonde? Wow."
“Podiatrist A Jerk”: What a great headline, although the patient has a lot of foot problems!
“Circus Runaway Not Looking Forward To Hometown Show”: One of those jokes that feels obvious, yet only The Onion actually turns it into something.
“Parents Fighting About Who's Unhappier”: This front-page headline and photo could have easily been turned into an article.
Were the infographics good?
“What Do Our Framed Certificates Say?” is a solid front-page infographic. The Onion loved a good Blockbuster joke, and “I Are The 72-Ounce Steak At Louie’s” is both funny and a real-life phenomenon.
What columnists ran?
“Let's Put The 'Ex' Back In Sex” is nothing more than a guy calling up his ex-girlfriend for a booty call.
Columnist Neil Russo was fine with the breakup until he realized he couldn’t do better:
I admit, you haven't heard from me in quite some time. I guess I wasn't returning your phone calls because after all the heartache and emotional trauma of the whole breakup thing, I just needed some space or room to grow. Plus, I was kind of focusing my efforts on trying to score with a bunch of hot new chicks. Unfortunately, that plan didn't exactly work out the way I'd hoped.
Come on, don't be that way. It's exactly that sort of uptight, closed-minded attitude that led to our breakup in the first place.
The column goes from there, albeit with more desperation. There’s a reference to a “mercy fuck” and also this quote:
Hey, we're both adults here. This is 2003. We're hip, liberated people. There's no need to hold back because of some outdated, prudish notions about what is or isn't appropriate.
Oh man, “This is 2003.”
Meanwhile, Midstate Office Supply accounts receivable supervisor and possible nerdy gang leader Herbert Kornfeld is back with “Yo, Don't Judge.” Kornfeld laments that “tha reeceevin' lifestyle” is a hard life, as his bros can’t go out in public, even to Applebee’s or T.G.I. Friday’s, without getting harassed.
Kornfeld also leads a jailbreak of their buddy Sir Casio KL7000, who has been summoned for jury duty. Kornfeld and his friends seem to think this is the worst thing in the world, and they lead an elaborate ruse to distract the courthouse guards and spring Casio (who appears to be already free to go). Like, this is not “Ocean’s 11,” and yet …
As anotha smokescreen, I give 'em all some juror passes I sweet-talked from this courtroom stenographa I once balled.
Longtime readers know that Kornfeld writes in a nearly indecipherable slang. Maybe you thought that was a writerly affectation — but no, that’s how they speak:
"An' deep-six tha street verbals," I tell mah homies. "Talk like this: 'How do you do, I am an average citizen, and I like jury duty and other activities that take place outside offices.' I know it wack, but that be how these muthafukkaz talk."
I’ve said this before: This column is so weird, but I’m glad it existed.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Leo, featuring yet another office romance horoscope that’s surprisingly prescient for 2020s workers:
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Once again, it's a rotten week for romance in the office, which is too bad, as you are self-employed and work from home.
What holds up best?
This issue has so many stories, so many jokes. I really like “Majority Of Human Discourse Now Occurring In Online Product Reviews.” Yes, the internet is much different today, but The Onion picked up on the cultural aspect of online product reviews then and now, which is impressive.
I also really liked “Bird Has Big Plans For Cage.” Perfectly written headline.
What holds up worst?
“Executing SARS Spreaders in China” was fine then, but it doesn’t hold up today. It’s a peril of The Onion having to respond to real-life news instead of making up its own characters — this story got a lot of real-life coverage in May 2003, but it ultimately wasn’t much of anything.
What would be done differently today?
I don’t think The Onion would so casually imply a gay affair between the commerce and treasury secretaries as it did in “The Times Plagiarism Scandal.” One, “They’re gay!” isn’t a sufficient punchline now, and also, Pete Buttigieg is gay! The context is very different.
The mix CD story is fun, but what’s the modern equivalent? I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s not CDs.
Thank you
Thanks for sticking around with me. Check out the archive for literally 140+ other issues discussing everything from 2000 onward.
Next week, we have a lot of Congress news — a “terrifying new bill,” the 2003 tax cuts, John McCain’s side gig and Congress’ fears of spam email. And we’ll also look at the beginnings of everyone moving to Austin, Texas.
I like to think this Principal quote is what fictional Jayson Blair attributed to Saddam: “Maybe my greatest fear in life is not to be challenged, is to grow weary of life, and not to be passionate about it.”
Macaddict became MacLife in 2007, which stopped publishing in print this year. My old employer owns the rights to both and seems to have erased the websites, which is … unsurprising.
I’m not knocking PUP! They also did a fun cover of Metallica’s “Holier Than Thou,” if we want to bring in a different “classic” genre to fight about. I also enjoyed The Offspring in the 1990s, for what it’s worth.