20 years ago, The Onion investigated a missing rake
Let's revisit cynical 2004 election takes, the pressure to (gay) marry, country ballads, and a joke that entirely depends on your knowledge of Wilford Brimley.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit June 2, 2004.
I had a wonderful call this past week with Christine Wenc, an original Onion staffer writing a book about The Onion for publication in 2025. I really appreciate her taking time to chat with me about this newsletter and my thoughts on The Onion, and I can’t wait for the book!
(While we wait for that book, here’s an interesting take on The Onion’s history from another writer, Kurt Luchs, from 2022 that includes “10 simple rules for funny headlines.”)
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 22, the 195th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headline “All Else Fails” is no longer online. This headline is only 3 words, but it’s a full joke that opens a world of possibilities.
Fuchs’ essay echoes this, even while setting the bar higher:
“A two-word funny headline that contains a complete joke is perhaps the hardest thing in the world to write (besides a large check).”
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Heartbreaking Country Ballad Paralyzes Trucking Industry” is a clever satire of tropes — country ballads, truckers and how the media covers transportation snarls.
Even today, the “X paralyzed by Y” headline construction is surprisingly common. For example, the well-regarded FreightWaves, a site covering freight and the supply chain, frequently uses that headline construction.
In The Onion’s universe, countless shipments are late — if they arrive at all — because of the fictional Cole Hardin ballad "She's Gone Back To What She Calls Home":
Performance figures for the entire North American continent have suffered since the May 14 radio release of the "She's Gone Back" single, from the album Fenced In Heart. Last week, the Department of Transportation reported business volume down 60 percent, manifest damage up 9 percent, and worker productivity down across the board, as drivers complain of heartache, loneliness, and the she-ain't-never-comin'-back-again blues.
I know very little about country music, so I’m surely missing some of the inside jokes and references. However, I’ve edited for many supply chain-related publications, so I loved that part of this story (including real-life companies like Schneider National and Arrow Trucking Co.1).
In these “news” stories, The Onion will usually reference a similar event in the past. Apparently, it’s been almost 25 years since the last country balled crisis, which involved George Jones:
Fearing for the financial and emotional safety of their workers, industry leaders have asked President Bush and the FCC to remove the song from the airwaves, as President Carter did during the "He Stopped Loving Her Today" crisis of 1980.
Hardin, the singer responsible for the problem, was unavailable for comment, as he is currently in his hometown of Green Hills, SC, caring for his dying mother and writing "She Taught Me How To Love," a tribute to her 46 years of service as a devoted wife and parent.
“Gay Couple Feels Pressured To Marry” is a rather simple joke that The Onion riffed on multiple times, starting with May 2000’s “Vermont OKs Gay Marriage” and continuing through “Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens To Gay Marry.” In all three stories, the joke is nominally about gay marriage,2 but the underlying joke is how people pressure all couples to get married.
Kristin Burton and Laura Miyatake have been a couple for 14 months, but it’s only since the Massachusetts court ruling that parents, friends (gay and straight) and even random strangers have bugged them about tying the knot:
"Of course, she didn't directly ask me when I was going to marry Laura. First, she asked how Laura and I were getting along, and how business was at Laura's shop. But then she reminded me about my dad's heart disease and told me that he could go at any time. When she started to talk about how nice it was at my brother's wedding, I told her I was late for my yoga class."
I understand how this could be annoying. That said, I’m alarmed that Burton shows no interest in matters like health insurance, tax breaks or naming each other as beneficiaries. She actually says, “Ask my dad about that stuff."
In fact, the Massachusetts court ruling could actually doom this relationship. For all the complaining Burton does, this is her reaction to Miyatake not wanting to rush into marriage:
"'Some big, annoying ceremony'?" Burton said. "Some people might call it a 'beautiful, joyous occasion.' But fine. Whatever. I certainly don't want to rush her into anything. I just think it's interesting that she'd describe marrying me as a 'hassle.'"
Just imagine some Onion reporter running around and asking these questions.
Let’s check in on politics
As a headline, “Poll: Many Americans Still Unsure Whom To Vote Against” feels like it could have published during many presidential elections, including 2024.
Again, The Onion mimics a regular news article, except they’ve changed 1-2 details that change the premise. In this case, it’s that all the analysis is about who voters will vote against:
Researcher Jack Harmon, an analyst for the independent Beltway think tank the Dewey-Markham Institute, said these undecided Americans will be crucial in deciding the next election.
"As the messy occupation of Iraq drags on, Bush's approval rating continues to drop, strengthening the position of the anti-Bush voting bloc," Harmon said. "This trend is offset by the Bush camp's $80 million anti-Kerry ad campaign, which has cemented anti-Kerry sentiment in several key swing states. As the election approaches, it's becoming more and more difficult to determine the likely loser."
The Onion talks to several likely voters who sound depressingly real. One voter dislikes John Kerry and Bush but is happy his vote will hurt Ralph Nader.
And it wouldn’t be an election without catchphrases:
"It's time to trim the Bush from the White House," Akron, OH resident Doug Hamm said. "In 2004, it's time for Bush to get bushwhacked!"
…
"Kerry is a wishy-washy flip-flopper, changing his tune every time the wind blows," Barr said, repeating a phrase she'd heard on The Rush Limbaugh Show. "Can I trust a man who can't make up his mind about Communism? I don't think so."
Don’t get me wrong — this is good political satire. But I hated re-reading it.
Other political items in this issue include:
“Rumsfeld Equally Proud Of All His Wars”: Once again, The Onion expects a war in Syria that thankfully didn’t happen.3
“Al-Qaeda Planning Attack”: The Onion asked people on the street about the latest reports of a potential attack. My recollection is that the government was constantly issuing these alerts, which eventually dulls the public’s concern, fairly or not. Of course, had any of these warnings proved accurate, this type of joke would have aged poorly:
"Is this question about today's terror announcement, or the three last month, or the one they'll announce tomorrow?"
Jacob Shafer • Accountant
Area People doing Area Things
“Area Father Urges Reopening Of 1998 Missing-Rake Case” is a work of art, parodying unsolved crimes/cold cases and satirizing suburban dads obsessed with their lawns and tools.
The rake, a Lawn-Grum brand spring-braced sweep rake with steel tines and a hardwood handle, has been missing from the Lufler home since 1998.
"Although it has been six years since anyone in this family has seen that rake, I've never given up hope that someday I might find it," Lufler said. "I believe that the rake is still in our neighborhood, probably within a quarter-mile of our home."
Marsh Lufler spent 4 days(!) questioning family and friends after the October 1998 rake disappearance. He refuses to believe the official narrative, and he cites many of the common cold-case tropes:
A similar unsolved case (a missing porcelain tray) was recently solved.
Lufler thinks people were afraid to speak up initially. But years later, “it will be easier for someone to admit something they didn't want to say before."
He suspects a kid down the street known for breaking into houses.
He cites a dream about a mysterious black car.
He’s taking grainy photos of a neighbor’s neat pile of leaves, suggesting that they might own a rake — and that likely means it’s his rake.
The surprise joke for me? This pun at the end:
"It's been six years since the rake went missing," Lufler said. "That rake was a real beauty. I've never owned a rake that worked so well. Even if I can't recover the rake, I want to go to my grave knowing that, in my search for it, I left no leaf unturned."
Other Area People items include:
“Shotgun Blast To Abdomen Just Pisses Wilford Brimley Off More”: This is such a wild non sequitur. Brimley had a memorable acting career but might be more known in recent decades for his Quaker Oats, Liberty Medical and American Diabetes Association commercials.
“New 40-Gigabite iHOP Breakfast Platter Holds Up To 10,000 Pancakes”: This is, of course, an iPod joke. I especially like “Gigabite” instead of “Gigabyte.” (Here’s a review of the iPod model, which added the click wheel.)
“Local Hamburger To Star In National Ad”: I love this concept, as well as the quote from real-life Kankakee, Ill., Mayor Donald Green:
"We've had some great sandwiches in this town, but none have gotten this kind of recognition. All of us who knew the burger had a hunch it was going to go on to great things.”
“Area Man Accidentally Signs Up For AOL Latino”: I’m not sure I knew this existed, although I wasn’t the target audience. AOL removed the paywall for AOL Latino in 2006.
“Diabetic 8-Year-Old Throws Worst Birthday Party Ever”: This feels harsh, but the criticism from fellow children feels realistic. I wouldn’t be excited about a piñata of dried cranberries.
“City Maoist Visits Country Maoist”: When I talk about The Onion’s ability to change a single detail to create an absurd new world, this is what I mean. The country Maoist has made assumptions about the safety of the big city:
“Ni said he understands that sturdy shoes must indeed be needed for escaping the muggers and prostitutes on every street corner in Wuhan.”4
Were the infographics good?
“Tornado Safety” is a tricky premise because tornadoes are no joke! The Onion gets around that by spoofing other advice, such as “Tornadoes spook easily. Firing a few warning shots into the air is usually enough to scare them off.”
I like the TV/movie tropes cited, such as raging against the storm from your roof and yelling “Tornado!” before running.
“What's The Greatest Threat To Our Children?” is a grab bag of jokes, and it’s fine? Unmemorable, I’d say, except for “Trigger-happy nannies,” a phrase you rarely see.
To be fair, I hadn’t thought about Juicy Juice in decades. What a staple of my childhood.
What columnists ran?
I always enjoyed “You Have Been Impregnated For National-Security Reasons,” but over the years, I misremembered the premise. Until re-reading it, I thought the premise was the federal government intervening, a la 1999’s Point/Counterpoint “U.S. Out Of My Uterus vs. We Must Deploy Troops To Jessica Linden's Uterus Immediately.”
But no! It’s just a cad trying to get out of supporting the woman he’s gotten pregnant! He’s creative in his excuse-making, that’s for sure:
I have been instructed by my superiors to inform you that word of this news absolutely must not spread. Only four people in the country, five including you, know about your impregnation—which, I might add, was authorized by the president. In order to be able to play a role in this mission, even I had to get my security-clearance status upgraded by going through rigorous procedures. Direct executive order. Top secret.
Conveniently, this secrecy means that columnist James Norton will likely need to move away without saying goodbye despite the pregnancy — or what the NSA calls “Phase II.” Norton can’t say where he might travel or when he’ll return, although it might be as long as 18 years.
We also find out that this woman is a smoker:
If your parents ask about your growing belly, you are instructed to tell them that you are gaining weight after quitting smoking, which you should do for the sake of the child anyway. Once that explanation becomes untenable, you are to tell them that you have no idea who the child's father is.
So much manipulation! Norton says he wishes she could go public with this news and be a hero like Jessica Lynch, but alas — if she tells anyone, the terrorists win:
If news of your pregnancy were leaked to the Ba'athist Party in Iraq, the Taliban in Afghanistan, or your best friend Sandra, I fear you would be in grave danger.
Our other entry is the advice column “Ask A Jostens Class-Ring Salesman.” In this long-running feature, people send in questions that are completely ignored. For example, the first question is from a woman upset that her husband spends all his time in their pool. What advice does the Jostens class-ring salesman have?
“How many of you guys out there have cars? Hands up if you do. Okay, a couple. Quite a few of you. Now, how about you gals over there by the window? Do you like to shop for clothes? I thought you'd say "yes." Okay, anyone have a computer, or a radio, or a television set? Uh huh. Now, out of all of those things I mentioned, how long do you think you're going to own those items? You, sir, how long do you think you'll own that radio? Fifty years? No? Twenty years, then? No? Well, your class ring is something that you will hold and cherish for the rest of your life.”
I didn’t buy a class ring in high school, mostly because I didn’t wear a ring already, and why would I start with a memento of a place I was leaving?
The “Ask A …” columns can be an acquired taste, but they are unique. This one is a brilliant example of the old-school sales pitch:
Jostens has engravings for every activity, from athletics to newspaper to 4H. And just look at all the stone options. Nice, huh? Go ahead, try it on. Every color of the rainbow. You can get your birthstone, your favorite gem, or go with your favorite color. See this writing on the side here? You can express yourself further with one of the multiple bezel options. With so many choices, it would be impossible to make a ring that isn't right for you.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Aries, which is a long way to go to reference “These Boots Are Made for Walkin’.” (That’s really all I know about her, so if I’m wrong, please correct me!)
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You have no idea why Nancy Sinatra keeps showing up at your place and soundly kicking your ass, but if you don't find out soon, there's a chance she'll stop.
What holds up best?
“Poll: Many Americans Still Unsure Whom To Vote Against” holds up extremely well, which is probably bad for our society.
What holds up worst?
“What's The Greatest Threat To Our Children?” is pretty forgettable.
At least “Al-Qaeda Planning Attack” offers a window into the post-9/11 world.
What would be done differently today?
I find it hard to believe that “Heartbreaking Country Ballad Paralyzes Trucking Industry” would appear today, mostly because The Onion probably doesn’t have the staffing to devote that much time to something that’s not topical.
The Onion this week published the headline “BREAKING: BIG WORDS MEAN BIG THING HAPPEN,” accompanied solely by a photo of former President Donald Trump. This type of joke would have worked so much better in print!
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, share your thoughts and share the newsletter with others! Keep it up!
Next week, we’ll revisit Ronald Reagan’s death, a raccoon causing havoc and — I’m worried about this — a seemingly lighthearted story about suicide.
Arrow was later liquidated after a massive fraud in which the CEO was convicted in federal court.
Support for gay marriage dropped slightly last year in the U.S., although I wonder whether that reflects a significant shift. Worth noting that the wording of the question changed in 2023.
Notably, the April 30, 2003, issue basically assumed we were invading Syria next.
Yes, that Wuhan.
The infographic about threats to children does have a good illustration. Better than any of the entries, really.
I also like the tornado tip about building a basement for your basement. It's a great example of the repetition/reiteration humor that Fuchs is talking about.