20 years ago, Spaghetti-Os were the victim of a trade war
Also, The Onion had perhaps one of the last relevant jokes about a physical encyclopedia, plus stories about "Dune," "Luann" and the adult theatre.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 14, 2001.
I’m just getting over a weeklong cold, the 2nd I’ve gotten since June. I haven’t had COVID, but my body apparently has no defenses against the cold.
We’ll be off next week, as The Onion took a break before Thanksgiving of 2001.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 37, Issue 41, the 82nd Onion issue of the 2000s and the 81st issue of new content. Here’s what the website looked like in 2001, 2011 and today.
The front-page headlines you see above are either missing their photos or not online at all in 2021.
All of these are pretty recognizable Onion jokes, while “Man waxes patriotic, truck” is a common joke structure for The Onion’s front page, given how little room there was. Also. “waxes” was an occasionally recurring Onion headline word, as seen in February 2000’s “Boss Waxes Nostalgic About Sexual-Harassment Suit” and June 2000’s “Secretary Waxes Garfieldian.”
As in past weeks, The Onion’s website in 2001 continued to link to the 9/11 issue.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
This 20-year-old issue of The Onion is a masterpiece in using simple premises, then constructing absurd scenarios on top of them. It starts with the top story.
The key to “Spaghetti-Os Discontinued As Franco-American Relations Break Down” is buying the premise: That Spaghetti-Os isn’t just a downmarket canned pasta made by a brand called Franco-American1, but that Spaghetti-Os are actually a grand symbol of international diplomacy — a masterful deal made by Charles de Gaulle and Lyndon Johnson. And that this pasta remains so important that each country has a Cabinet-level position devoted to canned foods.
At times, this story is like a news article, discussing the minute details of high-level negotiations: The US wants a 60-40 share of profits for contributing most of the ingredients, for example, while the 2 sides differ on sodium content and spaghetti-ring size.
But you also have deliberately stupid wordplay:
U.S. Canned Goods Secretary James Miller echoed Charpentier's sentiments with a terse, "Uh-oh... Spaghetti-Os are in grave jeopardy."
At 11 a.m. Monday, operations at L'Usine Des Os, the world's largest Spaghetti-Os manufacturing plant, ground to a halt, leaving the world with as little as a week's supply of Spaghetti-Os in reserve. Meanwhile, French efforts to replace the O-shaped pasta with plain, easier-to-produce long spaghetti have proven fruitless, with the U.S. threatening to withhold Ravioli-Os from French supermarkets if there is an "embarg-O."
The combination of news article and silliness continues: A United Nations official sparked the debate by giving a critical review of the Spaghetti-Os partnership in Bon Appetit. And the Italians have tried to help — you might recognize this name:
In a stopgap attempt to alleviate the crisis, Italian minister of cuisine Hector Boyardee offered the Franco-American alliance an emergency airlift of "ABCs & 123s"-brand pre-cooked pasta.
If you read only one story from this week’s issue, make it this one.
The War on Terror
“Luann Creator Wrestling With How To Address Terrorist Crisis” was the featured story on the 2011 version of The Onion’s website, and that makes sense. 10 years on, the story reflects the lasting importance of 9/11 and that weird post-9/11 period where everyone felt they had to make An Important Statement.
I was a devoted newspaper comics reader growing up, but if your comic wasn’t in The Connecticut Post, I didn’t know about it. I’m 99% sure “Luann” wasn’t featured.
Anyways, creator Greg Evans is torn, but he’s also writing a comic strip about a teenage girl in high school, so ….
Though he has been wrestling with it for weeks, Evans has yet to integrate the current crisis into either the plotline about Luann's crush on Aaron Hill or the subplot about Bernice's budding romance with Zane.
"Zane is the strip's first character in a wheelchair, so I think it would send a terrible message to suddenly drop his storyline," Evans said. "I definitely have to find a way to work this in, though. Like the rest of the country, the gang at Pitts High School would certainly be forever changed by what's happened."
The article is actually a thoughtful exploration of Evans’ thought process, how he’s handled other sensitive issues in “Luann,” and his conversations with the creators of “Funky Winkerbean” and “Arlo & Janis” (2 other comic strips I don’t know).
That careful writing perhaps dulls the humor by 10%, but the article is still relevant and enjoyable 20 years later, so there’s that. That sketchbook graphic is pretty impressive, too. For comparison, here’s the real-life “Luann” comic from Nov. 14, 2001.
Other post-9/11 stories about Afghanistan, the War on Terror or related topics include:
“U.S. To Arab World: 'Stop Hating Us Or Suffer The Consequences’” barely sounds like a joke today.
The Onion asked people on the street “Could Osama Get The Bomb?” which is a thing I’d forgotten about. Perhaps I was like one of the respondents, who said, "What's this? I'm sorry, I stopped paying attention to the news about three weeks ago out of sheer psychological self-preservation."
Area People doing Area Things
Much like the Luann story, “6,000 Runners Fail To Discover Cure For Breast Cancer” is more thoughtful and less mocking than the headline suggests. Here, The Onion takes the very normal event of a charity run and adds a twist: The runners actually thought they’d locate the cure on the race route.
It seems like such a stupid premise, but this is where The Onion’s writing takes over. We hear from frustrated but determined runners, including one who broke her personal 5K record, and we learn that races and regattas around the country are failing to cure diseases.
So why is this the goal? That’s when The Onion pulls the reveal: All these charity runs are because an Olympian actually did cure a disease!
Runs against cancer and other diseases have been popular since 1976, when Olympic runner Bill Rodgers discovered the formula for Interferon Beta—effective in the treatment of multiple sclerosis—at the base of Nobska Point Lighthouse while running the Falmouth (MA) Road Race. Rodgers went on to win the Nobel Prize For Medicine for his discovery, despite losing the race itself to Alberto Salazar.
A simple joke, but well-crafted, and the headline still works as a joke any time you hear about a charity fun run.
We also have “Man Pretends To Hit On Woman He'd Like To Hit On For Real.” These stories don’t always hold up as well 10 or 20 years later because they’re based on cultural norms and social cues, which have changed tremendously in the Internet era.
The Onion mostly avoids portraying Dennis Vukelich as a creep or predator, but it’s also clear that he’s being weird about the situation:
“Aimee and I are just good friends,” Vukelich said. “Besides, she gets asked out by tons of really good-looking guys. She probably wouldn’t be the least bit interested in me. Then again, we do have pretty undeniable chemistry.”
We eventually find out that his work non-crush, Aimee Broussard, is not interested. Dennis is still unaware, and we don’t find out what his reaction is — perhaps that’s a good thing.
Other Area People stories include:
“Ugly Man With Huge Penis Unsure How To Get The Word Out”: No word on whether this inspired the real-life Rolling Stone article in 2003 about a man with a giant penis. Weirdly, The Onion’s definition of “huge” was smaller than the real-life version. Make of that what you will.
“Argument About Capital Of Australia Occurs 10 Feet From Encyclopedia” makes a big assumption that most people still had physical encyclopedias in 2001. The Onion does not share why 2 brothers in Nebraska would be arguing about this.
“Plan To Make Snacks Last Through Opening Credits Fails”: I love this little article because of how much planning this guy does, to no avail. The article ends with: “Next time he sees a film, Schuyler said he will not start eating until the studio logo appears.” I also saw “Monsters Inc.” in the theaters, solely because I tagged along with some folks in my dorm.
“Steve Vai Impresses The Hell Out Of Neighborhood Kids” is a really niche way to make fun of Vai and fellow rock guitar virtuoso Joe Satriani. It’s OK if your reaction to these names is “Who?”
Were the infographics good?
When does the Postal Service not have cash problems? There are lots of claims (and counterclaims) that I don’t really understand, but apparently 2001 was also a bad year for the Post Office.
There are lots of little in-jokes here. For instance, Mr. Zip was a ZIP Code mascot phased out decades earlier (and brought back in 2013):
I especially like the anti-email joke here. The pessimist in me is nodding at “You Could Just E-mail, but Then You’d Be Contributing To The Ongoing Fragmentation of American Society Through Mechanization”? But then again, I don’t send letters.
I was hoping Suriname really did put out a Dave Matthews stamp, but I found no evidence.
The “Hiring employees who don’t obviously hate people” joke is a reflection of the cultural idea as USPS workers are all angry and surly. Newman in “Seinfeld” is just one example; the phrase “going postal” reflected real-life incidents, but not that many. I assume there’s some political machination behind this.
When in doubt, do a joke about “German words for X.” This is fine, but perhaps No. 3 is not a joke but the literal description of this infographic.
What columnists ran?
“I Do So Adore The Adult Theatre” is very 20th century in its setting but feels accurate about people’s love of adult content.
This is very explicit. I’m not sure how much I can recap it! Like, the movie titles in this article might be actual videos from the writer’s personal collection.
I like that it’s “theatre,” not “theater,” and I appreciate The Onion’s mention of Mystikal's "Shake Ya Ass” being used in an adult theater production. And this paragraph made me laugh for the curious assumptions made here:
Those who think adult theatre is only for those upper-crust types who attend live dramatic performances are quite mistaken. The adult theatre is for everyone, and it thrives in any number of formats.
There’s also debate over whether live shows or home videos are superior. Our author says both have their place. A true diplomat and gentleman.
The Onion’s recurring “Ask A” series returns with “Ask A High-School Student Who Didn't Do The Required Reading.”
The questions have extra zest with this premise: Should high-schooler Randy Friel really be answering someone’s question about their co-workers having sex in the office?
Anyways, this is a fun depiction of the type of rambling a student might do if they only vaguely had a clue of what they were talking about. Here’s one example:
What's that? How would I respond to charges that Tom Sawyer is racist? Well, in the book Tom Sawyer, there is some of that, but we need to keep in mind as readers of today that that kind of thing is unacceptable. At the same time, though, that's how things were back then, so the book is also like a history book, if you think about it that way.
The student also comments on “Animal Farm” (which I have not read, either):
I would say that using animals to represent communists was a pretty good idea, because, historically, communists tried to do a lot of animalistic things, like aim nuclear bombs at America, and that is like something an animal on a farm might do.
The other book Friel discusses is “Dune,” which is suddenly topical! Friel mostly compares characters to Jean-Luc Picard and Darth Vader.
Most “Hey, it’s 2001!” reference
Probably the premise of “Could Osama Get The Bomb?” I’m not sure how likely this ever was, but (thankfully) in hindsight it seems like one of the lesser worries.
What was the best horoscope?
Taurus has some honest-to-goodness wisdom, even if perhaps you change “TV” to “Twitter, Reddit, YouTube and TikTok.”
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Plato claimed that our ideas are borne of our souls and not derived from our experience, but you get most of yours from the TV.
What holds up best?
For 20 years, “Spaghetti-Os Discontinued As Franco-American Relations Break Down” has been one of my favorite Onion stories, and reading it again for the first time in a few years confirms that. It’s smart, silly, detailed and creates an entire universe you can understand in just a few paragraphs.
What holds up worst?
“Congress To Meet At Feingold's House Today” isn’t bad, but it’s irrelevant unless you remember that Sen. Russ Feingold was the only Senate vote against the Patriot Act less than a month earlier.
What would be done differently today?
“Man Pretends To Hit On Woman He'd Like To Hit On For Real” would be written differently today.
Beyond that, I hope this issue could publish in 2021. This was really fun to read, and we see The Onion’s writers continuing to recover from the shock of 9/11.
Again, we’re off next week because The Onion took a holiday. See you Nov. 28, and have a wonderful Thanksgiving in the meantime.
As of 2004, it’s now called Campbell’s Spaghetti-Os. I don’t think the Franco-American name appears on cans anymore.
Thanks for this! I found this write-up because I was searching for the Luann article, after reflecting on how crucial the funnies were to me and a lot of my peers, and how they were seconds away from complete irrelevance. In the case of Luann that irrelevance is a very good thing. The gem-like savagery of that “Reuben award-winning cartoonist Greg Evans” joke echoes through the decades, because it perfectly depicts the cartoon’s pretentions and its flagrant, bottomless mediocrity.
I liked Mr. Zip being pivotal in a Simpsons storyline.