20 years ago in The Onion, the U.S. fought terror with terror
We have a classic "office asshole story," plus 2000s-era pharmaceutical humor, metrosexuals, "Fahrenheit 9/11" and the White House slam dunk contest
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit May 19, 2004.
2004 might be The Onion’s peak for cultural relevance,1 and “Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move” is one of the highlights.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 20, the 193rd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headline “Insomniac Pulls All-Dayer” is no longer online. This headline was cited by a blogger in 2006 as a personal favorite.
A few weeks ago, there was an “Announcements” item I wasn’t familiar with (and no longer online). This week, we have another one. Fortunately, The Onion’s book of 2004 print issues preserved it:
These are not uplifting jokes! The bottom-left mention of “Seven Ways To Light Your Husband’s Fire” appears to reference this Ellen Kriedman book or something similar.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
The current craze of Ozempic and other weight-loss drugs reminds me of the 1990s and early 2000s, when Viagra, Fen-Phen, Claritin and a slew of other drugs hit the market — and TV commercials.
The Onion followed this phenomenon, with such hits as 1998’s “Viagra Giving Hope To Thousands Of Struggling Stand-Up Comedians” and 1999’s “Area Man To Ask His Doctor About Xenical, Propecia, Claritin, Paxil, Drixoral, Lipitor, Tavist-D.”2
This week, we have “New Prescription-Only Sandwich Extra Delicious,” which takes a different approach. Instead of ever-larger pills (a la “New One-A-Month Vitamin Presents Choking Hazard” from earlier in May 2004), Pfizer is getting into the sandwich game with “Hoagizine, a pharmaceutical-grade Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt.”
I love that “deliciousness” is a medical benefit:
The extra-potent sandwich passed rigorous testing in both branches of the FDA in February. In clinical trials, 96 percent of patients who administered the sandwich orally experienced a deliciousness they described as "heightened," "intense," or even "overwhelming." In the same trial, only 16 percent of those who received placebo sandwiches reported experiencing high levels of deliciousness.
Of course, Pfizer sends its best salespeople to promote the sandwich while promising an upgrade — “Hoagizine CM, which contains 10 grams of chipotle mayonnaise.”
Like with any prescription drug, you first need a doctor to write on a pad in an indecipherable scrawl:
My only knock on this article is that it’s a more serious version of April 2004’s “Munchtime Is The Most Important Snack Of The Day.” But how can I blame The Onion for revisiting this topic?
I also like this ending paragraph:
"Side effects are certainly within the parameters established for commercially available lunch items," Spencer said. "The one thing we're concerned with is that, with regular use, the bacon and the guacamole could precipitate high cholesterol levels in some patients. But, hey, if your cholesterol does get a little high, that's why we make Lipitor."
Real-life people and things
“U.S. To Fight Terror With Terror” is almost certainly a response to the First Battle of Fallujah, the Abu Ghraib scandal and other events from April/May 2004.
Post-9/11, there was a strain of thought that suggested because terrorists don’t respect norms, the U.S. shouldn’t, either.3 The Onion takes that to an extreme:
"We tried playing fair," Rumsfeld continued. "But how can you play by the rules when your opponent doesn't even know the rules? You don't bring a knife to a gunfight. That's just the way it is, folks. It's a dog-eat-dog world."
On the seven-minute tape, Rumsfeld is joined by counter-terrorist leaders Vice-President Dick Cheney and Attorney General John Ashcroft, each seated on folding chairs in front of an American flag. Ashcroft described some tactics the government currently uses—pre-dawn assaults on civilian targets and subjecting potential stateside traitors to psychological intimidation—as a "small step in the right direction."
I see a few things happening here. One, The Onion skewers the Bush administration’s claims that the War on Terror is going well and that Iraqis welcome the U.S. presence. Two, the story suggests U.S. officials are in hiding and leaking tapes to CNN, just like Osama Bin Laden does. That feels off. Why not have the administration announce these policies at a White House press conference, showing how this is official policy and not a splinter cell operation?
Other aspects work better. There’s a prescient mention of the police being militarized. If the Bush administration embraces “fight terror with terror,” it might also do other things — like Elliott Abrams4 promising an “election-year surprise” or Cheney reinterpreting Eric Hoffer and Seneca’s warnings about fear as battle cries.
Speaking of quotes, let’s talk about Martin Luther King Jr.:
"Just wait and you'll see," Abrams said. "Martin Luther King said, 'Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.' Well, enemies of democracy and freedom around the world are going to find out just how right he was. They'll see just how dark it can get."
Usually, politicians are accused of twisting King’s words to mean something they didn’t. In this case, The Onion argues that King was deadly right, just not how he hoped.
Other real-life mentions include:
Remember when “Electronic Voting Machines” would solve all voting controversies forever?
This era is fascinating to revisit. In 2024, there’s certainly mistrust of technology, but we also accept that everything is internet-connected and tracking us. In 2004, there was still a debate about “go digital or stay analog?”
Surprisingly, these jokes are pretty good. The jokes about related Amazon orders, “Not enough outlets in most high-school gymnasiums to plug in machines” and “Electronic voting system could potentially be tampered with, unlike paper ballots” all feel plausible in 2024!
“Talk-Show Host Takes Brief Break From Mocking Jessica Simpson To Interview Her”: I’m not a fan of Jessica Simpson’s music, but what did she do to be so disliked in the 2000s? The photo is from a December 2003 appearance on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.”
“White House Slam Dunk Contest Results In No Slam Dunks”: I wish this were real. George "Iceman" Gervin is the celebrity judge (he’s since been a real-life NBA dunk contest judge). Press secretary Scott McClellan fails to dunk, while Reagan-era official James Watt remains the last successful dunker.
“Catholic Church Condemns Metrosexuality”: Easily the most 2004 reference in this issue. Real-life Vatican spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls calls for Catholics to resist this urge “no matter how much he might covet his neighbor's set of Williams-Sonoma lobster forks.”
“Fahrenheit 9-11”: Disney CEO Michael Eisner blocked Miramax from releasing this Michael Moore documentary, somehow making Harvey Weinstein the good guy as a champion of free speech (and contract law). Anyways, The Onion asked people about Disney blocking distribution. My favorite answer is:
"So Eisner, Moore, and the Weinsteins are involved in the story of Bush and bin Laden? Is anyone decent a part of this at all?"
Walter Reed • Systems Analyst
Area People doing Area Things
Longtime readers already know about The Onion’s ability to mock sales teams, as seen in 2000’s “Morning Meeting Refocuses, Re-Energizes Sales Team” and 2003’s “Kick-Ass Sales Proposal Written.”
The greatest of these articles is probably “Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move,” which doesn’t waste a single word. Even the photo is brilliant — telling you exactly who this guy is and that he doesn’t care what you think.
Mark Seversen of Aqua-Dek Water Filtration Systems is a top salesman. But he’s also a horrible person in a multitude of ways:
Aqua-Dek sources said Seversen has a long history of being an asshole. In five years at Aqua-Dek, he has alienated virtually all of his coworkers by blaming others for his failures and lying to secure promotions. Recently, he slept with an emotionally vulnerable, newly divorced coworker, only to complain about her "saggy ass" to the rest of the office afterward. Coworkers report that Seversen frequently brags about his car, his many beautiful ex-girlfriends, and his hair. He also frequently makes asshole-ish comments about minorities, the poor, and "fatties."
Every paragraph in this article builds on the next. We start with Seversen’s introduction, him admitting to being an asshole and bragging about his sales record, then the above list of his misdeeds. Then, The Onion goes meta: Co-workers are aghast that Seversen admits to being an asshole. Seversen, realizing this, starts bragging about that:
"If doing what it takes to make more money than any of you people means I'm an asshole, then what can I say? I guess I'm a rich, successful asshole. Guilty as charged," Seversen said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some calls to make about the houseboat I'm going to buy. Make way for Mr. Asshole."
Severson reportedly grabbed his briefcase and walked out, leaving his coworkers in disbelief.
Many of us know someone like this: An awful person who’s successful enough (thus far) to get away with it. But they take the wrong lesson from this. They believe their bad behavior is why they’re successful, so they keep doing it.
“Funeral Looks Cheap” is a wonderful satire of the funeral industry’s psychological tricks5 and how people gossip about each other.
"There were only five tiny bouquets at the visitation," said Betty Foyer, 59, next-door neighbor to Meissner since 1978. "If you can't afford a large arrangement, you should at least select some tasteful fresh flowers, out of respect for the recently departed. I felt so bad for Tom."
Other complaints about the service include the cheap photo frame, the stain on Thomas Meissner’s suit, Meissner’s brothers not wearing suits, the cheap look of the casket, and Meissner’s wife, Judy, failing to dazzle everyone with a fancy funeral:
According to several guests at the service, the ceremony lacked the polish and care that a widow ought to provide for her dead husband.
"There was no special pastor, just our regular one," said Doris Carter, who got to know the Meissners at church events and community gatherings. "His nephew tried to sing both songs in the service, with that tinny portable stereo system as backup. I guess if you're not a trained musician, it's hard to carry a tune in front of an audience."
The guests complain that the post-wake dinner deserves a more solemn location than Cracker Barrel, but they also complain about Judy’s cooking for the post-funeral luncheon. Throughout, Judy is disparaged by these so-called friends!
"There is no excuse for such a chintzy affair," Dade said. "Tom was sick for almost a year. Judy's had more than enough time to plan a nice funeral. I do believe she tried her best, though. Some people just don't know better. Really, what can you expect from a woman who doesn't keep her lawn mowed?"
As with the “Asshole …” story, The Onion takes a simple theme and piles on with endless jokes and details. By the end of the article, you know so much about the people involved — and you don’t like any of them.
Other Area People items include:
“Inspirational Disabled Horse Crosses Preakness Finish Line After 11 Hours”: The real-life 2004 Preakness featured no injuries, with Smarty Jones winning by 11.5 lengths.
“Pawn-Shop Customer Plans To Buy Toaster Back”: Very depressing.
“Woman With Six Dogs Resents Non-Dogs”: This has become a lifestyle, I think?
“Apparently Werewolf Was Allergic To Peanuts”: Sadly, no one realized the werewolf had an EpiPen in his shirt pocket.
Were the infographics good?
“How Are We Defending Our Egregious Use Of Pomade?” is enjoyable. I especially like “With equally egregious use of logic” and the reference to a fictional national group, the American Pomade Council.
What columnists ran?
“When I Grow Up, I Want To Wear A Bikini At Auto Shows” is written by a 5th-grader who dreams of having a famous, glamorous job when she grows up. The twist, given away in the headline, is that she’s not looking to be an athlete, an astronaut or the president, but a Saleen auto-parts girl.
Columnist Cindy Harris has seen firsthand how popular these women are and how simple the job looks:
The women in bikinis were laughing and dancing, and everyone was talking to them because they were so glamorous—even people who didn't want a flyer. The woman in the pink bikini was my favorite, because her swimsuit matched her high heels. She gave me my very own Saleen Performance Parts & Accessories catalog to take home. I keep it in my backpack and pull it out during recess when no one will play with me.
I am sad about the “no one will play with me” part. Is The Onion implying that depressed, lonely girls grow up to become auto-show bikini models?
I’m slightly disturbed by the amount of research that seemingly went into this article.
Our other column is “I Think I'll Head On Back To That Crime Scene,” where Scott Driscoll has gotten away with robbing an old man (and accidentally killing him) but can’t leave well enough alone.
This column is equally ludicrous, with Driscoll ignoring every best practice for committing a crime:
Don’t go back to the crime scene.
Get rid of your bloody clothes.
Don’t chat up a cop about a specific violent crime.
Don’t talk to cops, especially when they aren’t looking for you!
Driscoll is always thinking about crime:
The strip mall is on that nice Officer Cordova's beat. If he's there, I'll chat him up a little and ask him if he's seen any action lately. He'll probably laugh and say, "That's kind of personal, Scotty," and I'll correct him and say, "What I meant was, have you seen the bloody aftermath of any violent street crime recently?" Then again, if Officer Cordova isn't there at that moment, maybe I'll take advantage of that and hold up the Carvel store. I bet they have a sweet drop safe.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Cancer for this joke about a famously deadly mountain peak:
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Even the people who love you most call you cold and unapproachable, but that's the price you pay for being the north face of the Eiger.
What holds up best?
“Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move” is a brilliant piece of satire.
“Funeral Looks Cheap” is especially effective because people love to gossip about their purported friends and loved ones.
What holds up worst?
The “Fahrenheit 9-11” item isn’t bad, but the documentary was eventually released and this spat between Eisner-led Disney and Miramax is largely forgotten.
What would be done differently today?
Pharmaceutical jokes are still common today. Just this month, The Onion published “Crying Man Refuses To Take Boner Pills Unless They Strawberry Flavored.”
How would The Onion cover the Iraq war today? I don’t think they would suddenly be for the war. The coverage would look different: More jokes, shorter jokes, more slideshows, and almost certainly more attacks on The Onion for its coverage. Anything critical would get attacked by war proponents, and anything critical but too light-hearted (e.g., 2003’s “Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle”) might be accused of trivializing the war.
Could The Onion handle this criticism? I think so, although it’s probably not fun. They parodied such sentiments last year, and they’ve always pushed back on critics who act like The Onion is a lobbying group or a political campaign arm.
Separately, I’m sympathetic to people who feel The Onion is more slanted or less funny nowadays. But the idea that The Onion is coordinating political campaigns feels highly unlikely.
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, share your thoughts and share the newsletter with others!
A note and ask for y’all: I mainly rely on the Internet Archive to produce this newsletter rather than buying up old issues (I’m not running this newsletter as a business!). But the main source of back issues I know of is Wolfgang’s, whose supply is fast running out.
If you have old issues (mid-2004 or later) or know of other sources (libraries, for example), shoot me a note!
The New York Times once argued that 2004 was The Onion’s high-water mark in terms of being a liberal fake-news foil of President George W. Bush. That’s not exactly inaccurate, but it reduces the newspaper to merely a political satire machine when it was much more.
Annoyingly, The Onion’s archive lists the infographic “Life After Fen-Phen” as from October 2003 when it’s definitely from the 1990s. New Onion CEO Ben Collins, I know you’ve got a lot going on, but can y’all fix the archives!?!
Of course, this is neither a new argument nor unique to the U.S. See this Indian official’s comments from April 2024!
Abrams was one of the guys convicted in Iran-Contra, although later pardoned by President George H.W. Bush and still in public service.
I recently read Jessica Mitford’s “The American Way of Death,” which explores all this in depressing detail.
I think the main trope on Jessica Simpson was that she was an airhead. There was a famous clip from her reality show where she had chicken vs. tuna confused.