20 years ago in The Onion, Herbert Kornfeld gave a "Motivation Seminizar"

Also, let's revisit Katie Couric, Rep. Tom DeLay, Chris Kattan, "Family Feud," the food pyramid, beavers and much more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit April 27, 2005.

It’s the 1st time in weeks that The Onion wasn’t focused on Pope John Paul II, although there is one Vatican-adjacent joke. Instead, we get a grab-bag of topical jokes, Area Man silliness and one of The Onion’s classic columnists.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 17, the 239th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005, 2015 and today. The 2015 website changed substantially during the year; for instance, the Issue 17 URL redirected to this headline by May 2015.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.¹

The front-page headlines “Ethics Panel Slides Back To Reveal Hot Tub” and “Thumb War Senseless” are no longer online. These are 2 of the best one-liner jokes from 2005 thus far.

If anyone in The Onion’s merch team is reading this, “Thumb War Senseless” feels like a T-shirt waiting to happen!

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Gustaveson unveils the amazing new hyperbolic chamber.

“Amazing New Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Ever” is a smart concept and solid wordplay. Unfortunately, it also feels tame in 2025 because real life is even more hyperbolic.

In just the past 10 years, we’ve experienced a simple home-juicer startup claiming to be “uniting technology, agriculture and design“ and NFTs purporting to redefine what it means to own things! And now, we’re at the stage of AI where people are debating whether artificial general intelligence will be like Skynet and destroy humanity or just, you know, take most of our jobs.

The premise of this Onion story is much simpler. Instead of a hyperbaric chamber like the ones elite athletes use, we have a “hyperbolic chamber” from Oak Ridge National Laboratory that is literally the most important event in history:

“Today, we do not merely silence our critics,” Gustaveson said. “We commit them to that newest, foulest level of eternal indignity and unending infamy: the dark, ignorant era before the amazing, incredible hyperbolic chamber!”

“There has never been anything as amazing as this awesome machine,” Gustaveson added.

The chamber was a Clinton-era project opposed by Republicans and supported by science media, although they have a funny way of praising the effort:

And Popular Science quickly placed the chamber on the fold-out cover of its next issue, which reads, “FUCKING AWESOME!!! THE BALLS-OUT H.C. IS 40 TIMES BETTER THAN SEX… AND COUNTING!!!”

I also like that Sandia National Laboratories is jealous of Oak Ridge’s success.

“Family Feud”

The article in this issue I’ve been most excited to review is “Family Feud Continues Years After Game-Show Appearance,” published during the era of Richard Karn, the game show’s most boring host.²

Tim Bzymek and Porter Douglass’ families faced off in 1979, when the host was famous guest-kisser Richard Dawson. The Douglass family lost, with a 2nd-round steal by the Bzymek family still bothering Porter more than 25 years later.

Douglass- and Bzymek-family heads of households recall their 1979 TV appearance.

But this wasn’t just the agony of defeat — these families hated each other from the get-go:

As the game progressed, however, the jibes became more personal and mean-spirited, nearly culminating in a fistfight between Douglass and Tim Bzymek, when Douglass called then 14-year-old Jenny Bzymek a “stupid tramp” as the families were leaving the stage.

“He insulted my blood,” Bzymek said when asked about the incident. “If you are a loser who can’t name the top five things you’d find in a refrigerator, don’t take it out on my daughter. Especially when your son is a four-eyes who takes two minutes to decide whether to play or pass!”

The families continue to taunt each other, including the Douglass family calling to insult Jenny’s daughter in 2004 after she graduated high school. The families taped a reunion episode in 1999, but it never aired, with then-host Louie Anderson having to physically separate the patriarchs.

It’s a credit to the actual “Family Feud” that a real-life blood feud seems incomprehensible.³ Sadly, the most realistic-sounding part of this article is the “Family Feud” producers worrying about a contestant shooting up the studio.

Real-life people and things

The most on-point satire in the April 27, 2005, issue is the column “Guess What——It's Tom DeLay's Frisbee Now,” which arrived as the House majority leader faced increasing scrutiny legally and by the House Ethics Committee despite his success in uniting the Republican caucus.⁴

This column is fun as a “get off my lawn!” parody and holds up even better as an example of DeLay’s hubris, as he’d lose his leadership role in September 2005 and not stand for re-election in 2006.

But in April 2005, DeLay was the boss. And when punk kids are interrupting congressional business, he won’t let them get away with it:

Punks! I told you to clear out and take your games somewhere else. Then, not 15 minutes later, this thing sails right through the window and interrupts deliberations of the House Committee on Ways and Means.

Oh yeah? Is that so? Well, guess what. It’s Tom DeLay’s Frisbee now.

No, I’m not going to “toss it back,” and don’t call me “dude.” Very important people are trying to legislate in here. No, you come on. I warned you, but you had to push it. Now you face the consequences.

DeLay proceeds to brag about his accomplishments, and — in a very 2025 way — threatens to deport the former frisbee owners:

No, I’m not throwing it back and, no, I’m not joking. I told you before. It’s mine, and that’s that. Take my advice: Get out of here before I call the Department of Homeland Security and have you all deported to an international zone where the Geneva Convention rules don’t apply.

As I mentioned, DeLay would soon be out of power, but you’d never know it here:

What? You’re gonna call the House Ethics Committee on me? You think the House Ethics Committee scares Tom DeLay? Go ahead and call them. I’ll dial the phone number for you. I’ve got it on speed dial. That committee’s come after me plenty of times before, and you know what happened? Nothing!

Other real-life people and things include:

• The Onion limited its Catholic coverage to the front-page joke “Katie Couric Flirts With Cardinal On Air.” Was there some trend of Couric flirting with guests back then? Or is this just an easy joke at the expense of a female celebrity?

• I absolutely love “Teen Reports Saturday Night Live Has Sucked Since Chris Kattan Left,” which mocks people who think the past was always better — and especially those who claim the “SNL” of their youth was the one true cast. My favorite part is The Onion praising 3 of the more forgettable long-time “SNL” players — Kattan, Jim Breuer and Joe Piscopo.

• The USDA food pyramid was a big deal, particularly the 1992 original version. In “The New Food Pyramid,” The Onion asks people about the 2005 revision. My favorite response:

  “Look, governments are supposed to kill people, not encourage them to be healthier.”

  Eduardo York • Broadcast Technician

Area People doing Area Things

“Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad” is sort of a companion piece to 1999’s “European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men vs. American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy.”

But while the 1999 article was a Point/Counterpoint, this one is a classic news story based on a think tank’s research, with a USA Today-style logo (“International Affairs”) suggesting The Onion regularly covers this topic.

The fictional think tank is the Center For U.S.-International Casual Relations, which reports a sharp decline in Americans scoring with foreigners abroad — from 67% during the Clinton administration to only 11% at the end of 2004.

A recent anti-American protest in Paris.

The Onion talks with numerous students who are angry with President George W. Bush, less because of his foreign policy and more because of how it affects them:

“I’m in Amsterdam—Amsterdam, for Christ’s sake—and I’m in the middle of the longest dry spell I can remember,” Higgs said. “Last week, I was making out with this Italian girl at a concert. It was all going great until the music ended and she heard my American accent. I swear to God, I went from the cusp of a hand job to, ’Why won’t your country sign the Kyoto Treaty?’”

As we’ve seen with real-life polling on manufacturing jobs, people’s opinions can change when things affect them personally.⁵ The Onion knew this decades ago, hence articles like this.

Left: Seward in his home library. Right: A few classic works of literature Seward has started reading.

“Area Man Well-Versed In First Thirds Of Great Literature” makes me laugh because I rarely don’t finish books. In fact, I’ve probably avoided some books I should read because I wasn’t sure I’d like them.

Malcolm Seward has no such hesitation.

“There’s nothing like the written word for capturing one’s imagination,” Seward said. “I still feel the thrill of setting off down the Mississippi on Huck Finn’s raft; the utter desolation of Robinson Crusoe, alone on his island for all those years with no trace of another human; and the excitement of Hemingway’s Santiago as he hooks the fish that will make him rich and renowned. It’s quite inspiring, what can happen to you when you open a book and start in.”

Seward was years ahead of the Instagram-influenced habit of showing off your possessions online. Because he likes to portray himself as a serious-yet-humble reader, “he has invested in custom-made bookshelves and numerous attractive bookmarks.”

Obviously, this reading habit leads to misconceptions about a book’s plot and/or meaning. For instance, he loves “To Kill a Mockingbird” for its “depiction of quiet, small-town life” and admires Captain Ahab’s leadership in “Moby Dick.”

Worst still, he’s given his new bride the wrong idea about “Wuthering Heights”:

“His love of literature is inspirational,” said Anne, whose own reading “runs to magazines.” “Just the other day, out of nowhere, he said we were like a modern-day Catherine and Heathcliff. I think starting all those books has made Malcolm a real romantic.”

Other Area People jokes include:

• “Beaver Can't Wait To Get Started On Dam”: Love this. In 2026, we’ll revisit the sequel, “Beaver Overthinking Dam.”

• “National Poetry Month Raises Awareness Of Poetry Prevention”: I can get behind this. I love the symptoms:

  • “Nieman said some early signs of poetry infection include increased self-absorption and tea consumption.”

This issue is full of simple yet effective jokes, including these 2:

• “Bartender Hurt By Unfinished Drink”: Probably the right decision to not finish a Long Island ice tea.

• “Uneventful Past Finally Catches Up To Boring Man”: The accountant vows to “turn his life around by deserting his wife and stealing a car.”

Were the infographics good?

“The New Lincoln Museum” is a museum run by the state of Illinois that was dedicated in April 2005. Some of the jokes are predictable but almost mandatory, like calling Lincoln “America’s third gay president” and mocking Mary Todd Lincoln.

My favorite is “Refrigerated treadmill allows visitors to walk 10 miles through snow to return a book.”

“What's Going On 30,000 Feet Above Us?” skewers the popular business reference to “the 30,000-foot view” — in other words, looking at the big picture.

In that light, “Hawk strategy meetings” is my favorite joke and a fun visual to imagine.

What columnists ran?

“A Motivational Seminizar" is a brilliant combination of Herbert Kornfeld’s deranged identity as an accounts receivable gangster and the murky world of motivational speakers.

Kornfeld is one of those people who loves Mondays:

“It Monday, bitchez,” I said as I flew outta my hoopty an’ hustled 2 tha employee entrance. “Aw yeah, y’all know how we do it. Bitchez best fo-get that punk-ass, no-workin’ weekend shit an’ be down wit’ tha hardcore officin’, or y’all gonna have tha H-Dog up in yo’ shit. Word dat.”

But no one is in their cubicles or offices! H-Dog briefly worries that his co-workers have become zombies,⁶ but there’s a simpler explanation: A presentation by (fictional) motivational speaker Dr. Charles Rich, PhD, author of “1:1— The Productivity:Attitude Ratio.”

Full disclosure: For 11 years, I was the editor of a daily newsletter on workplace leadership, including productivity. There’s genuinely good productivity advice out there, but it’s often obscured by oversimplification, exaggeration and flawed pop science.

Dr. Rich’s advice, unsurprisingly, is little more than platitudes:

Dr. Rich offers convincing data that indicates that the amount of productivity one achieves in the workplace is evenly proportional to one’s overall attitude. Dr. Rich explores ways one can increase their motivation through positive thinking, stress-relieving health habits, and better interpersonal communication.

Kornfeld says he doesn’t need this advice. He then tells an elaborate story about saving a dying geranium left behind by a former Midstate Office Supply employee. You might view this as a heartwarming parable about people who “find worth and meaning in your job if you know where to look,” as co-worker Lois guesses.

No! Not the lesson:

Gary nailed it. He said it was 2 show how bumpin’ tha H-Dog wuz, an’ how lucky tha Midstate staff wuz 2 have tha One An’ Only Funky Fresh Ovahlord O’ Tha A.R. Universe in full effect. How much motivation a homie need? I raised a fuckin’ office plant from tha dead by hollerin’ at it an’ feedin’ it root beer an’ Skittles, y’all. Thas off tha hook. Sheeit. Mad props 2 Gary fo’ recognizin’ tha ultimate truth. H-Dog out.

The Onion killed off Kornfeld about 2 years later, so enjoy these columns while you can.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Taurus for this visual:

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
An innocent trip across town in your Abrams main battle tank to return a friend's industrial-grade power tools will somehow result in your pulling off the bank heist of the century totally by accident.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

“Thumb War Senseless” and “Ethics Panel Slides Back To Reveal Hot Tub” are great one-liners.

My favorite is “Guess What——It's Tom DeLay's Frisbee Now” because it’s funny and perfectly timed.

There are lots of other fun jokes that hold up in this issue. “Area Man Well-Versed In First Thirds Of Great Literature,” for example, reminds me of that new LeBron James commercial making fun of how he doesn't actually read books.

What holds up worst?

As I mentioned, “Amazing New Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Ever” feels almost tame compared to real-life shenanigans, although it’s a perfectly fine premise.

“The New Food Pyramid” is probably the least relevant reading now — the 2005 pyramid wasn’t as famous as the previous iteration and lasted only 6 years.

What would be done differently today?

Most of these 20-year-old jokes are still fun today, even if they might need to be updated. For example, the April 2025 equivalent of the food pyramid commentary could be any number of RFK Jr. jokes, as well as the April 24 headline “Woman On Diet Weighing Out Peanut Butter Like It Hard Drugs.”

Thank you

Thank you all for reading, commenting and sharing this newsletter! Grateful to have you here, and I hope you’re getting some laughs and discovering jokes you didn’t remember or had never seen.

Next week, we’ll revisit someone stealing Bush’s identity, what’s possibly the 1st mention of Barack Obama, and a 2005 Onion headline that feels like the goofiness of the earliest Onion issues from the early 1990s: “Unspeakable Happens In Area Town: 'Oh God, No!' Say Onlookers.”

See you then!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. Remember when sitcoms like “Home Improvement” and “Seinfeld” were so big that secondary characters like Al Borland and J. Peterman could host game shows just off their recognizable faces?

3. Someone on LinkedIn(!?!) apparently used AI to write a satirical concept of “Family Feud: Russian Roulette.” The writing is passable but soulless.

4. We’ve covered DeLay numerous times in this newsletter, as you can see here.

5. The 2000 Onion story “Report: 98 Percent Of U.S. Commuters Favor Public Transportation For Others” is the epitome of the genre.

6. Zombies were a popular topic in The Onion in the 1990s and early 2000s.