20 years ago in The Onion, U.S. robots lost their jobs to outsourcing
The Onion correctly predicts that musicians won't swing the 2004 election, plus the "Friends' spinoff "Joey," cushion forts, proverbs, the Patriot Act and more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 6, 2004.
I started this newsletter to dig into The Onion’s archives and remember long-dead things. We’re still doing that! But somehow, 2024 has also been The Onion’s renaissance. First, the print newspaper returns, and now the relaunch of Onion News Network (ONN), which I had a few thoughts about.
This week, we revisit topical events like the 2004 presidential election, the Abu Ghraib scandal, the “Friends” spinoff “Joey” and much more.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 40, the 212th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page image is from the 2005 book “Embedded in America,”1 showcasing The Onion’s print work from late 2003 to late 2004.
The front-page headlines “All-Inclusive Vacation Doesn't Include Bail” and “Switzerland Finally Snaps” are no longer online. “Switzerland Finally Snaps” eventually became an Onion Radio News item (scroll to No. 498).2
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“American Robot's Job Outsourced To Overseas Robot” feels especially relevant in an age of increasing automation, fears about AI taking jobs and business executives who view remote work as an excuse to outsource your job.
QT2D-7 is a factory robot in Ohio that undoubtedly took some human’s job. But now, he has lost his job to an Indian robot who will work more hours, doesn’t need safety precautions and isn’t unionized. That’s right: American robots have unions:
“Query: What am I going to do now?” QT2D-7 said, panning its infrared eye across the empty parking lot outside the factory where it had worked every day for more than a decade. “Observation: I’ve never known anything but assembling lawnmowers. Query: Just like that, they throw me out?”
In 2004, this article was even more powerful. Yes, The Onion is being goofy about robots, but it also takes seriously the structural forces hurting American workers, including decades of industrial outsourcing. The Onion also highlights management’s slander of American workers as too difficult, too expensive and too unwilling to adapt:3
“[QT2D-7]’s been in the job so long, it couldn’t see that the future was upon it,” U.S. Chamber of Commerce chairman Werner Diedrich said. “[QT2D-7] is a relic from a bygone era, when American robots were a manufacturer’s only choice.”
Diedrich said market forces alone were not to blame.
“American robots have gotten lazy, stuck in their ways, unable and unwilling to adapt to meet the needs of a changing global workplace,” Diedrich said. “In the past decade, what has QT2D-7 done to upgrade its efficiency or output? Nothing. In the competitive world of robotic assembly, complacency is death.”
This article will stay on my mind as AI advocates make the same arguments in their rush to eliminate jobs.4
The top story in the Oct. 6, 2004, issue is “Irrelevant Pop Stars Unite Against Bush” — a satire of the Vote for Change tour, which saw musicians try and defeat President George W. Bush by playing concerts.
This story is semi-relevant in 2024 for a couple of reasons:
Bruce Springsteen participated in the 2004 tour and cut a campaign ad this past week.
Taylor Swift does drive voter activity — in 2023 and 2024 — albeit with Instagram posts.
Let me be clear: This tour was probably awesome to attend. So many good acts! But The Onion is skeptical of musicians’ ability to sway an election, particularly after Eddie Vedder’s support of Ralph Nader in 2000.
The trick is that The Onion doesn’t especially mock these artists. They simply let them speak — revealing their ignorance about voter mobilization efforts.
Then-Nation editor David Corn points out the challenge:
“It’s really great to get more young people involved in politics, and if Keb Mo singing ’This Land Is Your Land’ helps, so be it,” Corn said. “Of course, in addition to watching MTV to find out what Moby has to say about Bush, you could watch C-SPAN, or even visit the candidates’ web sites. You’re probably not going to learn a lot about the candidates’ positions on Social Security reform by listening to Dave Matthews gas on while his bassist tunes up.”
I especially enjoy this passage, which is barely satire:
Rounding out the bill are such lesser-known indie artists as 24-year-old singer-songwriter Conor Oberst (a.k.a. Bright Eyes), and Seattle-based rock band Death Cab For Cutie.
“Bush is fucking evil,” said Nick Harmer, bassist for Death Cab For Cutie5. “The economy is for shit, and we’re stuck in this unjust war that he lied about to get us to agree to. Me and the other guys in the band wanted to do something real to get him out of office. We were like, ’We gotta do a concert.’”
Death Cab is now headlining nostalgia tours. We’re all old.
Other real-life people chiming in include Pearl Jam guitarist Stone Gossard, John Mellencamp, Kenny “Babyface” Edmonds, Bush campaign manager Ken Mehlman and NOFX vocalist and bassist Fat Mike.
Much more politics coverage!
The Onion stepped up its election coverage, with both infographics dealing with the election somehow.
“Debate Rules” is pretty straightforward, referencing Bush’s reactions during the Sept. 30, 2004, debate, along with multiple jokes relating to boxing or pro wrestling.6
“Neither candidate will answer hypothetical questions, such as what he would do if elected president” feels discouragingly true.
“Why Haven't We Registered To Vote Yet?” was especially urgent in 2004, as turnout had been trending lower for multiple election cycles.
“Already voted on American Idol” and “Don’t want to risk getting spam” were more relevant 20 years ago, but I still like them. And “Waiting for Flamenco The Vote drive” references the aforementioned Vote for Change tour.
Other political items in this issue include:
“Bush Arrives At Debate Wearing Flight Suit”: This would be silly but kind of fun to see.
“Secret Searches Ruled Illegal”: This Patriot Act case continued for nearly 6 years! Unfortunately, The Onion’s current website cuts off most of the responses. View the 2004 archive instead. My favorite response:
"Thank God that Internet-records part was struck down. If the government ever found out that I bought Bring It On from Amazon, I'd die of embarrassment."
Jason Green • Stockroom Worker
Area People doing Area Things
“Older Brother Accused Of Cushion-Fort Prisoner Abuse” is an Abu Ghraib reaction but still works in 2024 because it’s also a story of sibling shenanigans.
11-year-old Kevin Nelson is accused of abusive practices toward 8-year-old brother Mark, including sitting on his head and giving him noogies as they played Army at “Fort Awesome,” a structure made of couch pillows and blankets:
In addition to farting in the fort’s entrance and forcing Mark to remain inside, Keith allegedly gave his brother Indian burns, grundies, and a sustained wet willy. Keith also reportedly subjected Mark to Chinese Finger Torture, by restraining him and methodically tapping his forehead until he screamed “uncle.” Chinese Finger Torture was specifically outlawed by the Nelson family in December 2003, during talks held at Grandma Keller’s house.
The Onion treats this simultaneously like a military operation (the mother “debriefed” the father when he came home from work) and a child psychology lesson. The father thinks the mom is overreacting, as does psychologist Dr. Ted Nealman, who warns that taking away Kevin’s PlayStation privileges is excessive and will cause more incidents.
I am an older brother, but I don’t have kids, so I am torn.
“Personal Relationship With God Also Public Relationship With God” is a good headline and a fairly mundane story about Hugh Thompson, a born-again evangelical Christian who likes to talk about God openly — at the grocery store, in elevators, with his employees, at the local radio station and many other places.
The most relevant aspect in the 2020s might be Thompson’s successful efforts at banning books:
Thompson said he is especially proud of the good works he and God have accomplished on the local school board, by working as a team.
“Teamwork,” Thompson said, holding up a copy of Kurt Vonnegut’s Breakfast Of Champions. “I asked Jesus, ’Jesus, do you want trash like this at the library?’ Jesus didn’t even have to take any time to think! He said, ’Hugh, no book filled with drawings of women’s privates and people’s behinds belongs in a library!’ I move we do what Jesus would.”
Thanks to the combined efforts of God and his friends in Mobile, Vonnegut’s book was removed from shelves.
Thompson, as you might guess, supports President Bush. After all, they’re both recovering alcoholics, businessmen and people who talk about their relationship with God publicly.
All in all, the article is well-written and very descriptive, but is it that funny or unfunny? I don’t know.
Other Area People items include:
“Wrong Pre-Fab House Delivered”: A simple joke, but I like it!
“Ad Exec Doesn't Care What Proverb Actually Means”: To be fair, “Who says there’s no such thing as a free lunch?” is regularly misused, including in these recent articles about Justin Bieber and by AARP. I love this quote:
“Bergman last misused a proverb two weeks ago, when he put ‘haste makes waste’ in an ad encouraging people to hurry to a 12-hour Macy’s white sale.”
“Study: Good Porn Still Hard To Find”: Easily the most dated (and most NSFW) article in this issue. DVDs are mentioned!
“Many Animals Harmed In Catering Of Film”: I’m very sad to report that there is no Mel Gibson movie named “Night Of The Desert Rose.”
“91-Year-Old Woman An Expert At Outliving”: This is my grandmother, although she’s now 95!
“Green Bay Taxi Driver Has Seen Whole Heck Of A Lot”: I don’t know why this headline delights me, but it does. The blind item in this article, I believe, is former Packers lineman Tony Mandarich.
What columnists ran?
“Happy One-Week Anniversary, Sweetheart!” showcases columnist Michelle Taylor bombarding someone named Alex after a week of dating. One week! This is apparently a thing in some circles, according to Reddit.
Let’s give Michelle, or “Chel,” a chance. Personalized gifts and cards are nice, and calligraphy is neat. Sending it by overnight express to Alex’s office is a bit much, but OK.
Then there’s this:
Alex, our one-week relationship has been the most fulfilling relationship I have ever known. I really mean that. I care about you more than you will ever know, and I truly can no longer see myself finding happiness with any other man. I know it may be unwise to tell you how I really feel so early in our relationship. Normally, people keep this sort of thing bottled up inside for a week and a half, possibly two weeks into the romance. But I just can’t help myself. I’m in love.
She also plans to re-create most of their first date — from a week ago! — including the restaurant, the jukebox music and the paddle-boating.
While this sounds like some kind of cable movie that ends in stalking and attempted murder, I liked this bit:
Naturally, our relationship has had its ups and downs. During our coffee date, we had that disagreement about which local paper carried Hagar The Horrible.7 You said the Express carried it, and I said you were confusing the Express with the Morning Leader.
“Any Way You Slice It, Joey Is A Hit!” is the return of entertainment columnist Jackie Harvey, who I’ve described many times as sort of a clueless version of Larry King’s old USA Today column.
You probably don’t remember “Joey,” and that’s for good reason. NBC pulled a “Frasier” and relocated Matt LeBlanc’s character with all new co-stars, including the woman he broke up his real-life marriage for.
Anyways, Jackie Harvey is at his best when he’s enthusiastically trying to make a point but can’t get the details right. Here’s Jackie trying to report on Britney Spears’ marriage to Kevin Federline:
Item! Is she or isn’t she? That’s the question everybody’s asking. By “she” I mean Britney, and as to what she is or isn’t, that would be married. She may have pulled a J-Lo and tied the knot with one of her dancers. But there was some hubbub over the wedding license—namely, they didn’t have one. I for one think that if she wants to be married, we should let her. Celebrities in love are above the law. OJ taught us all that.
Speaking of OJ, you know what’s great? The hotel breakfast bar.
Harvey also has opinions on Dan Rather, Graham Norton’s short-lived U.S. talk show, the fashion sense of Teresa Heinz-Kerry and Donna Fiducia, smoke alarms, and the movie “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow”:
Item! Computers in movies are bigger than ever, and nothing is bigger in computers than Sky King and the World of the Future. You won’t believe what’s on the screen—a fantastic universe of blimps, airplanes, robots, and whatever. The ads look amazing. But how’s the acting, you ask? Well, ever heard of a couple girls called Gwen Paltrow and Angelia Jolie?
I love Harvey, but this column requires you to recall a lot of mediocre 2004 pop culture.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Scorpio, with apologies to the horoscopes referencing the MacArthur Foundation and the Black Stone at the Kaaba:
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
The other librarians will alternately praise your audacity and criticize your recklessness after you redesign the Dewey Decimal System on a drunken dare.
Again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2004 version has a better view.
What holds up best?
“Irrelevant Pop Stars Unite Against Bush” is the most factually accurate, but my favorite is probably “American Robot's Job Outsourced To Overseas Robot” or “91-Year-Old Woman An Expert At Outliving.”
So many of these jokes are topical, so your favorite might be whatever 2004 thing you find most funny today.
What holds up worst?
“Study: Good Porn Still Hard To Find” is from another era.
What would be done differently today?
The focus on the election makes a lot of sense 20 years later. While most of these jokes would need an update, the broad themes (politics, outsourcing, Area People) feel relevant.
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others! Please keep spreading the word!
Next week, we’ll revisit Dick Cheney, Coca-Cola’s marketing and one of my favorite Onion stories of the 2000s: “Long-Lost Jules Verne Short Story 'The Camera-Phone' Found.” See you then!
I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.
Someone on YouTube imagined this scenario in August 2024.
A more recent example is the 2010s “miners should learn to code” argument.
I use AI tools in some of my work, and I’ve always liked streamlining/improving my job with tech. But too many AI evangelists have a tone I dislike — they act as if nothing got done before generative AI came on the scene in late 2022. And they also push the idea that AI is our savior — almost more human than humans. For what it’s worth, The Onion wrote about AI in January 2004’s “Scientists Abandon AI Project After Seeing The Matrix.”
Harmer talked about Bush and many other things in this October 2004 interview.
The 2004 debates saw claims that Bush was getting secret instructions, a charge Vice President Kamala Harris also faced this year.
The 1st Hagar the Horrible mention, I believe, since June 2003’s “FCC Media Deregulation.”
woah woah woah. the onion was a paper?