20 years ago, The Onion joked about Will Ferrell, Shaq and Al-Zarqawi

Plus, Hotels.com gets hacked, a dead umpire is mocked, Bush gives a terror update and more from June 7-13, 2006

Welcome to The Onion’s Website: 20 Years Later, a weekly review of what The Onion published online that wasn’t in the print issue. This week, we’re looking at June 7 to 13, 2006.

If you’re watching the 2026 NBA Finals (and you should be!), this is a great look at 20 years ago, when Shaquille O’Neal was playing rather than commentating.

Plus, notable events in the War on Terror, a Will Ferrell joke, and much more.

ICMYI, I updated the look of this newsletter.

This is The Onion: 20 Years Later — a free newsletter reviewing The Onion’s jokes from exactly 20 years ago. Publishes every Sunday and Wednesday.

If you really like what I’m doing, buy me a coffee to support this work.

What web-only content was published?

The Onion’s homepage on June 7, 2006 (via Internet Archive)

The Onion created its website in May 1996 to share the print newspaper’s jokes. Beginning Aug. 31, 2005, they added online-only features like Stock Chart and the Onion Sports section.

Below is The Onion’s web-only content, by section, from June 7 to 13, 2006. I’ve linked to existing URLs and/or the Internet Archive, depending on what’s available.

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Homepage Updates

In 2006, most of The Onion’s web-only jokes appeared on the homepage. Some were archived (American Voices, Onion Magazine), while others disappeared after a few days.

Here’s what appeared on the homepage from June 7 to 13, 2006.

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Onion Magazine

“Stop Laughing I’m Having A Heart Attack” features Will Ferrell, who was still the biggest name in comedy despite the recent failures of “Bewitched” and “Curious George.”¹

This was the 2nd time The Onion joked about bystanders mistaking Ferrell’s earnest pleas for comedy² — much like his attempt to become a serious actor.

Ferrell was also famous for his impersonation of President George W. Bush, which I suspect influenced The Onion’s version, which we cover next.

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Bush triumphs against terrorists, gay marriage

For most of President George W. Bush’s 2nd term, The Onion parodied his weekly radio address — at one point, receiving a cease-and-desist letter for using the presidential seal.

“June Terror Update”

June 12, 2006 | 2006 Onion version | 2006 Weekly Radio Address version

The Onion occasionally had Bush give “terror updates.” This one involves the June 7, 2006, killing of Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, a top al-Qaeda leader in Iraq.

However, Bush is preoccupied by his push for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, and seems to think that Al-Zarqawi was also a gay-marriage icon:

Zarqawi, along with his life partner, Ayman al-Zawahiri, were actively plotting to hijack planes to the United States to get married, putting thousands of traditional marriages at risk. Had he succeeded, this would have been the most dangerous attack on the moral fabric of our nation since an extremist cleric performed a devastating gay marriage in Massachusetts in September 2001.

Al-Zawahiri was another longtime al-Qaeda leader and 9/11 orchestrator. The U.S. killed him by drone in 2022.

The Onion also covered al-Zarqawi’s death and the Senate vote on gay marriage in these American Voices jokes:

“Al-Zarqawi Dead”

June 12, 2006 | 2026 version

Al-Zarqawi’s death was notable because the U.S. had spent years hunting him, mostly killing other Al-Qaeda No. 2s instead.

“This is a big fish. See, when you kill a big fish, you remove the most advantageous genetics, so the next generation is smaller and weaker. And fish are militant ideologues with a cache of weapons. So the metaphor is very apt.”

Robert Holloway • Systems Analyst

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“Gay-Marriage Amendment”

June 8, 2006 | 2026 version

Passing a constitutional amendment seems almost inconceivable in this divided era. This attempt only got 49 Senate votes — 18 short of the super-majority required.³

This response represents The Onion’s occasional cynicism about all marriage, previously seen in May 2000’s “Vermont OKs Gay Marriage.”⁴

“A ban on gay marriage is a good first step, but it’s time to get serious about a complete ban on the institution.”

David Cherney • Car Wash Attendant

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Onion Radio News

Onion Radio News was the long-running feature hosted by fictional radioman Doyle Redland. Unfortunately, you can’t find these jokes on today’s website.

For most of 2006, The Onion had sponsors for the radio news, but not this week.

Here’s what ran from June 7 to 13, 2006.

“Entire Day Wasted Searching For Baby”

June 7, 2006 | 2006 audio version

Very dark. Neighbors are upset about losing a weekend day to the fruitless search.

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“Researchers At Keith Moon Institute Destroy Institute”

June 8, 2006 | 2006 audio version

This joke still works, but fewer people today are familiar with the drummer for The Who.

Future plans for the institute include bass drums made of C4 explosive.

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“Area Beehive Not Ready For Democracy”

June 9, 2006 | 2006 audio version

This is a classic anti-Bush joke, although more dire nowadays, considering the crisis facing bees.

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“Area Man Has No Idea Where To Get Envelope”

June 10, 2006 | 2006 audio version | Original 2002 article

Do you know where to get an envelope in 2026? I mean, besides Amazon.

“Is there such a thing as an envelope store? Or does everybody just borrow them?”

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“Sullen Time-Traveling Teen Reports 23rd Century Sucks”

June 11, 2006 | 2006 audio version | Original 2002 article

I think this joke still holds up.

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“Bag From Expensive Store Saved For Future Use”

June 12, 2006 | 2006 audio version

The bag is from Neiman Marcus. The woman is interviewed by Doyle Redland, who admires the bag.

I literally just got rid of a bag like this after it sat in a corner of our apartment for months. Spoiler: It did not get future use.

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“Ruthless Dictator Going Through Mid-Strife Crisis”

June 13, 2006 | 2006 audio version

This joke is about real-life Turkmenistan dictator Saparmurat Niyazov, who died in December 2006.

Redland shares advice from Muammar Gaddafi.

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American Voices

This is one of The Onion’s oldest features. The web-only items have 3 responses from fictional “people on the street.”

We covered 2 of the 5 jokes above.

“Canada Terror Plot”

June 7, 2006 | 2026 version

I forgot about this Toronto terror plot, which involved 18 arrests and numerous convictions in the coming years.

“Apparently they wanted to blow up a city that, on screen, passes really well for New York.”

Cheryll Weidenbach • Housecleaner

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“Military Funeral Protests Banned”

June 9, 2006 | 2026 version

We covered this in the review of the June 7, 2006, print edition.

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“Hotels.com Information Stolen”

June 13, 2006 | 2026 version

Nowadays, websites are constantly getting hacked for their data. This wasn’t a cyberattack, however, but an old-fashioned laptop theft from a car.

I like this response because it’s so random:

“Forget the confidential client information. Have you ever seen so much Rick Astley on a single iTunes collection?”

Chris Benning • Receptionist

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National News Highlights

“National News Highlights” featured a map with 3 pins, each revealing a different joke when your cursor hovers over it. These jokes are not currently online.

• “RICHMOND, VA—Upon hearing the news that their favorite dive, The Red & Silver, was facing foreclosure, loyal patrons quickly headed to Jimmy’s Tap to drown their sorrows.”

• “SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—A lesson intended to teach Jeffrey Marshek not to swear was lost on the 10-year-old when he was forced to wash his mouth out with his mother’s delicious oatmeal avocado soap.”

• “BURLEIGH, ND—Aggressive inline skater Zack Dildy will soon find a completely different use for the wheelchair ramp off of which he is attempting back flips.”

Oatmeal avocado soap! An early sign of America’s 21st-century fascination with avocados. 2006 is about the time when avocado imports began soaring as U.S. production stalled.

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Stock Watch

I love this joke, starting with the name Clickity-Clackity Corporation. This is a solid riff on the rapid-fire typing trope seen in many movies and shows.⁵

This was a weekly parody of a newspaper’s business section. Stock Watch charts are no longer online.

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Onion Sports

The Onion’s Onion Sports homepage from June 12, 2006 (via Internet Archive)

It’s the NBA Finals!

Plus, The Onion takes another shot at future NBA bust Adam Morrison, baseball legend Joe Torre and retired — but not yet disgraced — cyclist Lance Armstrong.

The NBA Finals and the Hack-a-Shaq improvement

“Mavericks To Incorporate Machetes Into Hack-A-Shaq Defense” is a very silly joke that takes literally the idea of “hacking” Shaquille O’Neal to stop him from scoring at will.

The Hack-a-Shaq strategy, in essence, forced Shaq to shoot (and miss) free throws, disrupting his team’s flow and essentially taking away possessions. The NBA soon began tweaking the rules around intentional fouling, although the hacking strategy persists to this day.

Dallas Mavericks coach Avery Johnson comes up with this upgrade, and owner Mark Cuban loves it:

“I thought, ’Great! Avery is finally thinking outside the box!’” Cuban said. “And since then, machetes have been the only things on my mind. Thinking about machetes has taken up every second of every day. Machetes! Machetes, man.”

Cuban then purchased a case of machetes, and had each one custom-made to fit his players’ size and frame, and engraved them with his players’ names, numbers, the Mavericks’ logo, the 2006 NBA Finals logo, and the credo “Defense Wins Championships.”

The Onion names nearly every Mavericks player while going into great detail about how the machetes will disable Shaq.

Commissioner David Stern seems more concerned about the machetes being used for goaltending, while Heat coach Pat Riley has a counterattack ready:

Veteran Miami Heat coach Pat Riley, who seems unfazed by the possibility of losing his star center, said the key to playoff basketball is making adjustments. Riley hinted that he was working on a new “Berserk-A-Dirk” defense and, while not offering specifics, hinted that the strategy involved unleashing a rabid, meth-crazed Gary Payton on the Mavericks’ star player.

Is this stupid? Yes. But it’s a decent way to preview the NBA Finals, which the Heat won, 4 games to 2.

“Lesser-Known Great Moments In NBA Finals History” is clever, even as it takes on famous tropes. For example, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s religious conversion is reimagined as a side bet, while his star turn in “Airplane!” is roped into the Finals.

Likewise, Bill Walton had become a famous, if unorthodox, broadcaster.

My favorite joke is probably the most dry: “1994, 1995: Houston Rockets win.”

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Other jokes include:

• “God Ejects Eric Gregg From Game Of Life After Called Third Stroke”: The wordplay is clever, but this is merely a fat joke about former umpire Gregg, who died June 5, 2006.

• “Titans Require Steve McNair To Pass Notary-Public Exam Before Returning To Team”: McNair’s pectoral injury was a real-life concern. He was traded to the Baltimore Ravens on June 8 — the same day this joke published.

• “Adam Morrison Successfully Misses Easy Layups During Workout For Raptors”: The Onion made fun of Morrison multiple times during the 2006 NCAA Tournament. This joke is about top prospects trying to avoid terrible franchises.

• “Joe Torre: ‘Experimenting With Different Lineups Is An Addictive, Dangerous Game’”: This joke proved prescient in the 2006 postseason, as Torre controversially dropped Alex Rodriguez to the 8th spot, all while his relationships with players and the front office deteriorated.

• “Lance Armstrong Just Glad International Cycling Union Doesn’t Test For Heroin”: Armstrong was officially clean in 2006, but clearly, suspicion was mounting.

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Sports Fan On The Street

“Sports Fan On The Street” discusses the tradition of each winning hockey player getting a night with the Stanley Cup. The 2006 NHL finals began June 5, 2006, and were won by the Carolina Hurricanes, who are also in the 2026 finals.

For an example of the Stanley Cup’s adventures, read this profile of the 1994 New York Rangers.

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This Week In Sports History

Like last week, The Onion joked about a real-life baseball moment, captured on video, where Bob Feller threw a pitch faster than a speeding motorcycle.

The “This Week in Sports History” jokes are no longer online.

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Sports Ticker

These jokes ran across the top of the Onion Sports homepage and are no longer online. Each is preceded by “LATEST:”

• “Heat’s Jason Williams Patiently Explains To Reporters That He’s Not The One Who Shoots People”

• “No. 1 Draft Pick In Baseball’s Amateur Draft Can’t Wait To Get To Single-A Wilmington”

• “Man In Jean Shorts Loves Him The Carolina Hurricanes”

• “Cardinals Sidelined Two To Three Weeks Following Albert Pujols’ Oblique Strain”

• “Jerome Bettis Already Unable To Take Off Super Bowl Ring”

A couple of these jokes are low-hanging fruit. Jayson Williams was the killer NBA player; running back Jerome Bettis had just retired, presumably gaining weight.

The St. Louis Cardinals won the 2006 World Series despite Pujols’ injury and finishing the regular season 83-79.

The Onion was mostly right about the No. 1 pick, as he ended up at the Single-A Burlington Bees of Iowa.

Final thoughts, and thank you!

I watch a ton of basketball, but I didn’t see much of the 2006 Finals because I worked evenings at a newspaper. Moreover, I haven’t thought about many of these topical jokes in years, if ever.

In other words, I discover just as much as y’all each week!

As always, please like, comment and share. Let me know what I missed or what else you’d like to see. See you next time!

1. In August 2006, “Talledega Nights” premiered, with “Step Brothers” in development.

2. We previously saw this in September 2004’s “Produce Section Bursts Into Laughter After Will Ferrell Makes Casual Remark About Apples.”

3. Active senators who voted yes on this procedural vote: John Thune, Lindsey Graham, Charles Grassley, Lisa Murkowski, Mitch McConnell, Mike Crapo and John Cornyn.

4. An earlier version of this joke is May 2004’s “Bush Urges Iraqis To Pass Amendment Banning Gay Marriage.”

5. I always think of the dumb-but-fun 2001 movie “Swordfish” where Hugh Jackman has to hack the DoD in 60 seconds amid NSFW distractions.