The Onion warned about robot-on-robot Mars shootings 20 years ago
Plus, if you need a hack for Super Mario 3, The Onion has it.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Feb. 28, 2001.
Today, we look at an issue that is a study in contrasts. There are timeless headlines, and there are also stories that were out of date almost immediately. This is how it goes — and why it’s so fun to look back many years later.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 37, Issue 07, the 51st published Onion issue of the 2000s and the 50th issue of new content. Here’s what the website looked like in 2001 and 2011 (minus images) and today.
No longer online are the front-page headlines “Lighthearted Romp Filmed” and “Wrong Midriff Bared”
Online but not on today’s Issue 07 page are “Supportive Gay Friend To Counsel American People On Ways Of Romance” and “U.S. Changes Motto To 'America... We're Gonna Make Ya Smile.’”
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I wasn’t kidding when I said this issue has only 2 types of stories: timeless and hopelessly out of date.
This issue’s top story, “Supportive Gay Friend To Counsel American People On Ways Of Romance,” is one of the out-of-date stories.
The Onion spins a good yarn, as usual, and tries harder than it did in 2000 to make sure the reader knows it’s heterosexuals who are being made fun of — especially folks whose understanding of gay friendship is solely from typecast TV and movie characters.
Did this story make more sense in 2001’s cultural context? Probably. Not all satire is meant to be timeless, so this article could have succeeded then even if it wouldn’t exist in 2021.
While I’m not particularly qualified to talk about this article’s deeper meanings, there are things in the writing itself I want to mention:
President George W. Bush names our protagonist, “tart-tongued but shrewdly perceptive gay friend Garrett Blaine,” to the position of U.S. Romance Counselor-General. The Onion’s Bush also endorses comprehensive health care.
Garrett receives enthusiastic testimonials from heterosexuals, although every Garrett one-liner sounds like a “Will & Grace” punchline. For what it’s worth, this is right when the show was becoming a ratings hit.
The people Garrett’s helped are comforted by his seeming lack of boyfriends and sexual activity.
Is Garrett being paid for his work? It’s unclear, despite having helped more than 8,000 Americans.
Mars is a dangerous place
The Onion was 20 years ahead of this week’s talk about whether we should live on Mars with the truly sublime and ridiculous “Video-Game Violence Blamed In Giant-Robot Shooting Spree.”
This article imagines a world where sentient robots have existed — and proceated — since the mid-1950s, and yet we still only have PlayStation 2 in terms of entertainment technology. Also, while the robot names are letters-number combinations, they otherwise seem to mimic human structures of family, society and education.
The robot-on-robot shooting is blamed on a real-life game — "Armored Core 2" — but the trick in this article is in reversing the proverbial chicken and egg. In 2001, humans on Earth have created a video game about Mars colonization, robots and fighting in the Arena. In this article, “Armored Core 2” is the real world, and the video game is sensationalizing it.
For the 2nd time in 2001, The Onion comments on mass shootings through pure satire. We have all the tropes: blaming video games, manufacturers and parents, describing the shooter as “quiet” and “sullen,” as well as statements from parents of the deceased — who just happen to be robots themselves.
"There's no way this robot could have learned that much about the effective attack patterns for dual shoulder-mounted plasma cannons on his own," said XJC-46398B, bereaved mother of one of the victims. "He had practice, either in the split-screen versus mode or in one of more than 30 separate solo mission levels."
I am rarely surprised by an Onion story, but this was a wild journey.
Timeless headlines
I want to discuss “New Parents Desperately Seeking Other New Parents For Socializing” as a nonparent, because this article isn’t just about new parents. It’s also a metaphor for any friendship that’s based around a thing — work, an activity or shared interest, being outlaws — and what happens when circumstances change.
New parents David and Diane Huber are desperate to talk to other people about their babies, in part because their other friends are, you know, not up for 4 consecutive hours of baby discussions. In their sleepless stupor, they are oblivious to the fact that they’ve changed. Instead, they lament what’s happened to their friends:
"Me and Tony [Lake] used to hang out all the time because we were both into cars," Huber said. "Now it's just not the same. Every time we get together, it seems like all he ever talks about is cars."
Diane is also struggling to find adult companionship, but she hasn’t realized that her interests are all child-centered:
"I'm a well-rounded person, and I have lots of interests: like where the best public schools in the area are, when is the right time to introduce pets into the home, what is the best way to set up a college fund, the whole issue of immunizations–you name it."
These stories, or at least their headlines, still deliver:
“Beauty Of National Forest Enjoyed By Logger”: Steve Orton marvels at the pristine country, reflects on the history of the 160-year-old tree he just felled, and notes how there was good fishing before they clogged the river with logs.
“Architect Asks Self How Le Corbusier Would Have Designed This Strip Mall”: I suspect no one is building strip malls these days, but there’s still fun in this poor architect trying to find fulfillment.
“Menu Describes Diner's Pancakes As 'World Famous’”: I grew up around diners and love them, not least because they all think they are an oasis in a food desert. And sometimes they are!
“U.S. Changes Motto To 'America... We're Gonna Make Ya Smile’” might be the Biden administration’s communication strategy in 2021?
These headlines are not timeless
“6-Year-Old Cries When Told MTM Productions Kitten Dead By Now”: Mary Tyler Moore is a legend, but her production company hasn’t existed since 1998.
“Bankrupt Dot-Com Proud To Have Briefly Changed The Way People Buy Cheese Graters” is a product of the 2000 dot-com bubble, but language like this is still used by startups that fail:
"Unfortunately, we were not able to see our revolution all the way through," read the message from CEO Jeff Bell, 29. "But for a brief, shining moment, we showed the world that there is a better way to buy graters."
The Onion asked people what they thought of “The Puff Daddy Trial,” which I forgot happened. If you’ve ever listened to his “Godzilla” soundtrack song, you’ll appreciate this joke:
"I don't think it was a good idea for Puffy to take the stand and just chant, 'Unhh, yeah' over a recording of O.J. Simpson's testimony."
Aimee Kohl • Graduate Student
“Bush Seeking Non-Masturbating Surgeon General” is just a photo that is referencing Clinton-era Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders.
Were the infographics good?
The Onion could more or less republish “Where Are We Hiding Our Money?” in 2021, except for maybe swapping Mir space station for some kind of crypto or GameStop reference.
“Heinz Pork ‘N’ Cash” is very stupid but still made me laugh.
Most of what I know about Robert Hanssen is from the 2007 movie “Breach,” which has great performances by Chris Cooper and Laura Linney, as well as Ryan Philippe trying his best.
The jokes in “A Spy At The FBI” really downplay Hanssen’s actions. I’m not sure if The Onion staff didn’t think this was a big deal or — more likely — whether they didn’t care and were simply trying to put together a newspaper on deadline.
This infographic also has a Mir space station joke. This was less than 1 month before Mir’s decommissioning and destruction, so I guess that’s why.
Most importantly, the Super Mario 3 tip appears to be accurate.
What columnists ran?
For the first time in 2001, we have office-supply accounts receivable expert Herbert Kornfeld, who I greatly enjoy but also acknolwedge is the most embarrassing Onion columnist in hindsight. He’s back with “A Homey In Need,” and as usual, reading his slang takes extra effort.
Far as I can tell, there’s a feud between accounts receivable and accounts payable, one that somehow involves the police giving preferential treatment to accounts payable. There’s also his old pal Jerry Tha Sharpie Head, who has just gotten out of jail and is having trouble finding work. Herbert, aka H-Dog, doesn’t have any openings but gives a reference, which works!
Now, I don’t think The Onion was using this column as a plea to hire the formerly incarcerated. But it’s nice to see Jerry get back on his feet — BUT WAIT!
Turns out Jerry didn’t join accounts receivable at his new employer, but accounts payable. Betrayal!
All works out for the H-Dog, as he beats up Jerry and gets away with it when Jerry is (again) busted for stealing office supplies. Also, H-Dog implies that Jerry will be sexually assaulted in prison by a junk-bond trader.
I’m just reporting what was going on 20 years ago, folks. On the whole, I applaud weird humor writing, but this is really weird, especially all these years later.
Our other columnist is “I Have Expensive Taste In Trucks,” which is basically Karl Wineke talking about American pickups he likes. It’s a fun parody of any “I enjoy the finer things in life” sentiment.
Most “Hey, it’s 2001!” reference
All the Mir references? And maybe building an entire article around the game "Armored Core 2," especially as "Armored Core 3" was never made.
What was the best horoscope?
The Onion moved to New York City at the beginning of 2001, and I wonder whether Libra was influenced by that:
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Though New York still refuses to award you the keys to the city, the citizens of Cleveland have seen fit to tell you their locker combination.
What holds up best?
I guess parents (or their former friends) might most relate to “New Parents Desperately Seeking Other New Parents For Socializing.”
Personally, I really enjoy “Menu Describes Diner's Pancakes As 'World Famous.’” It’s a simple joke, but it rings true.
What holds up worst?
The photo of a homeless man accompanied by the headline “Area Man Participates In 21st-Century Cashless Economy” is regrettable. For one thing, that headline is gold, and it was wasted on a non-joke.
What would be done differently today?
Herbert Kornfeld’s column would never exist now, or maybe it would parody a more modern trope from white suburbia. There’d also be more politics coverage.
As I’ve mentioned before, most notably in September’s “The Onion was 1 year early with its airplane terrorism story,” mentioning airplane crashes and attacks was regular comedic material back then.
Of course, 9/11 changed that mood. Thus, the Virgo horoscope probably wouldn’t run now (or at least not for many years):
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will have your name immortalized for future generations on a fancy plaque after perishing in next Sunday's O'Hare Airport disaster.
What real-life people were mentioned?
Le Corbusier. I.M.Pei. Sean "Puffy" Combs. Jay-Z. O.J. Simpson. Robert Hanssen. Ronald Reagan. Pink Floyd. George W. Bush. Peter Frampton. Ralph Nader.
The late architect Pei is mentioned in “Architect Asks Self How Le Corbusier Would Have Designed This Strip Mall.”
Jay-Z is mentioned in “The Puff Daddy Trial” as being jealous.
Reagan and Pink Floyd are mentioned in “A Spy At The FBI.”
Musician Frampton and 2000 presidential candidate Nader are mentioned in the horoscopes.
What was happening in the real world?
Here’s the real-life news from Feb. 19-25, 2001, omitting the few days of production before The Onion’s print date. News is from InfoPlease and the front pages of The New York Times (subscription required). Movie and music charts are linked:
World Trade Center signs biggest real estate deal ever. FBI agent Robert Hanssen charged with espionage. U.S. enlists Europe in arresting Osama Bin Laden allies. Britain struck by foot-and-mouth disease. Bill Clinton’s brother, brother-in-law under scrutiny for pardon lobbying. Museum dedicated at Oklahoma City bombing site. UN war crimes tribunal convicts 3 of sexual assaults. Pope John Paul II names another 44 cardinals. Melting glacier ice suggests human influence on climate. U.S., Russia discuss missile defense systems. 900 Kurds rescued from freighter. Steely Dan wins Grammy for Best Album. NYT wonders how Roger Clemens still throws so hard at 38 years old. Supreme Court blocks state employees from filing Americans With Disabilities Act lawsuits. Companies: Want severance? You can’t sue us. Notable deaths: The artist Balthus, sex researcher William H. Masters and ''Judgment at Nuremberg'' filmmaker Stanley Kramer.
Top movie (weekend of Feb. 23-25): “Hannibal”
Top TV show (Feb. 19-25): “ER”
Billboard top single (Feb. 24): “Stutter," Joe Featuring Mystikal
Billboard top album (Feb. 24): “Hotshot,” Shaggy