The Onion returned from Thanksgiving 20 years ago today
We also have breakups on hold, catcalls research, Harry Potter, fall 2001 TV and much more in this first issue after Thanksgiving.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 28, 2001.
The Onion took a week off for Thanksgiving 2001, which was Nov. 22. Also, I believe there are only 2 more 2001 issues after this — Dec. 5 and 12.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 37, Issue 43, the 83rd Onion issue of the 2000s and the 82nd issue of new content. Here’s what the website looked like in 2001, 2011 and today.
There was no Issue 42 this year.
These front-page headlines are either missing their photos or not online at all in 2021:
“90 Percent Of Americans Now Wearing Laminated ID Badges”
“Lesbian Hen Enjoying Hen House”
“Bruce Banner Reacts Predictably To Unrequested Perfume Sample”
As in past weeks, The Onion’s website in 2001 continued to link to the 9/11 issue.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
The Onion 20 years ago continued its post-9/11 coverage of the ongoing terrorism storylines while slowly returning to its silliness, skepticism and sharp wit elsewhere.
“Breakup Put Off Until Bioterrorism Scare Is Over” is a bigger version of Oct. 3, 2001’s “Area Man Uses WTC Attack As Excuse To Call Ex-Girlfriend,” except this one is about breakups averted rather than trying to rekindle romance.
Jordan Rosling wanted to call off things with Allison Ward after 4 years of dating, but the anthrax scare right after 9/11 has him reconsidering.
“Now that we might experience another Black Plague, this really isn't the time. I don't want to die alone, pathetic and girlfriendless."
For the 2nd time in a month, The Onion has a character mention the book “Germs: Biological Weapons And America's Secret War” (co-authored by New York Times journalist/Iraq War proponent Judith Miller).
Rosling is fearful of everything, whether of bioterrorism, nuclear attacks or even an unusually severe recession. He’s also worried about being the ultimate loser if he dumps Allison:
Though he termed the scenario a "long shot," Rosling said he sometimes fears that Ward will break up with him and find a new boyfriend right before a major bio-attack.
"Then the new guy would be with Allison for a whirlwind one-month romance before dying together," Rosling said. "She would be passionately falling in love in a time of doom, living every moment as if it's their last. It might even be that Mark guy she works with. I don't think I could handle that."
Feel free to direct your derision at Jordan. He’s a sad character. Or, as a therapist quoted by The Onion says, “a spineless, self-centered prick."
By the way, The Onion’s done a “breakup crisis” story at least once in the COVID-19 pandemic, with “New Report Finds 72% Of Americans Planning On Ending Things With Brian Once Pandemic Over.”
9/11 and the War on Terror
The Onion scaled back War on Terror coverage this week. The front-page headline “90 Percent Of Americans Now Wearing Laminated ID Badges” is the only other front-page mention.
The other 9/11 or War on Terror story is The Onion asking people on the street about “Sept. 11 Charities Under Fire.”
This sort of scandal seems to pop up after disasters. Some of it is well-meaning charities being overwhelmed, some have unscrupulous executives and some are simply scams.
The jokes here are predictable, but we do have The Onion ahead of its time in terms of online giving:
"I recently donated to a Sept. 11 online charity and was afraid the money wouldn't all go to the victims. But the folks at savinpeopleandshit.com assured me it would."
Don Matthius • Office Manager
The Onion before the MCU
It’s easy to forget that in 2001, Marvel was mostly known as a comic book company that inexplicably couldn’t get its characters turned into movies. This was starting to change: “X-Men” came out in 2000 and “Spider-Man” was only months away.
But the MCU was many years away, which is why these come off as inside jokes in 2001 and not nods to mass culture:
“Bruce Banner Reacts Predictably To Unrequested Perfume Sample” is still funny, but its main audience in 2001 might have been people who remembered the 1970s TV show.
“Headphones-Wearing Pedestrian Loudly Proclaims Iron Man Status” is a good joke about a Black Sabbath fan, but it’s been a long time since the first reference to “Iron Man” was the song, not the Marvel character.
Area People doing Area Things
Lots of silly local stories from exactly 20 years ago!
“Third-Grade Scientists Successfully Vaporize Water” is less of a farce than it appears. The Onion simply tells the story of a bunch of 8- and 9-year-olds going through a science class and learning what it means to boil water.
The teacher, Mrs. Wagner, is matter-of-fact when talking to The Onion, and she’s also learned from more volatile experiments that went poorly:
Monday's successful vaporization brought to an end a string of failures and setbacks for the young scientists. In September, an attempt to get a hamster to run through a maze to reach a plate of honey-roasted peanuts was scrapped when the animal escaped and disappeared under the classroom radiator. Two weeks later, a demonstration of the sense of taste was abandoned when a roll of Life Savers that had been part of the exercise was inadvertently eaten. And last Wednesday, Mrs. Wagner said, a static-electricity experiment resulted in "a lot of popped balloons and hurt feelings."
That said, disaster seems to be around the corner. Some students took the lesson to mean they can vaporize anything with heat, while Tommy Mautz from the photo above has more adventurous plans:
"We should make firecrackers," Tommy Mautz, 9, told fellow scientist Dana Lardner. "If we can't do that, maybe we should put a rat in the snake cage so we can see the snake eat it whole. That would be so cool."
Another classic Onion genre is the official report with Very Serious findings, but it’s always about something absolutely ridiculous.
“Report: Economically Disadvantaged Men More Skilled At Communicating Attraction To Women” is one of my longtime favorites because it’s just plausible-sounding enough to grab your attention, and yet it’s obviously nonsense.
The Onion is literally doing an “Actually, it’s science!” about catcalling — just look at that photo! Or at this official symbol that suggests the authors are from The Onion’s investigative reporting unit:
If there’s anything The Onion and the scientists want you to take away, it’s that bigger paychecks apparently mean you lose your ability to express yourself. These type of anecdotes don’t hold up to scrutiny, but they are intriguing, if not necessarily laugh-inducing:
The study found that 95 percent of men who earn less than $18,000 a year were able to loudly and publicly voice their approval of specific body parts on women. By contrast, a paltry 3 percent of men who earn more than $75,000 a year could do the same.
Articles are all about the framing, and The Onion chooses to frame these sociologists as being impressed by poor dudes’ moxie:
"It's one thing to be able to strike up a conversation with a friend or coworker," Clarke said, "but the challenge is that much greater when you're trying to talk to a stranger who's running to catch a train."
There’s also a 9-page list of the words men used for “breasts.”
This is a very tricky sort of satire to do, and maybe it didn’t even fully work then. Regardless, I’m not sure The Onion (or anyone) would write it as well today or as confidently. You can’t go halfway with this type of premise.
Other Area People stories in this issue include:
“Man Dies After Long And Painful Battle With Life” is pretty much a rewrite of 1999’s “Loved Ones Recall Local Man's Cowardly Battle With Cancer.” This one is somehow more depressing, with anecdotes like this:
“Carruthers, once a happy and vital toddler, had his first painful episode shortly after his fourth birthday, when his father beat him with a cane for accidentally urinating on a favorite rug.”
“New Harry Potter Film Turns Children On To Magic Of Not Reading”: The Onion is using the trope of denouncing any new technology. This is a reactionary joke, despite the clever jokes within this short article.
“Security Guard Can't Afford To Relax For So Much As Six Hours”: The Onion is also playing off a trope here, namely that we all know the difference between security jobs that are difficult and ones that are not.
“'Expect Delays' Signs Placed Randomly Throughout Nation” is a classic Onion nonsense joke that also has an ominous tone to it — a much shorter version of March 2001’s “Starbucks To Begin Sinister 'Phase Two' Of Operation.”
“Mad Lib Filled With Swears”: I’ll let you click through for the juvenile profanity and potty humor. Very stupid, but also what I remember kids doing with Mad Libs when I was young.
“Drug Addict Looking For More Enabling Girlfriend”: This somehow has a light tone despite feeling all too true.
Were the infographics good?
A reminder that The Onion’s ownership has pulled almost all its old images, so I had to dig around Internet Archives for these.
Anyways, I dearly wish “Reality TV On The Decline” has turned out to be true. The jokes here are still pretty good despite 20 years going by; for example, “Easier for America to accept gay characters than gay people” would only seem more obvious in the coming few years.
I don’t remember most of these reality shows named in the last item — I think “The Mole” was a traitor inside some kind of “Real World”-style house? But what was “Lost” if not the ABC drama?
“Top Rumors About Tom Cruise” is lazy, but he was also a safe target. So while I can’t get too outraged here, it’s a good reminder that we can all slip into a mode of “Ah, fuck ‘em, they can take it” or “They deserve it!” without too much contemplation or reflection.
What columnists ran?
“Ah, The Beauty Of The Fall TV Season” feels a bit like a PG version of last week’s “I Do So Adore The Adult Theatre.”
We know it’s 2001 because a 36-inch TV is proudly described, TV stars include Calista Flockhart, Peter Boyle and Craig T. Nelson, and there’s also talk of recording things on the VCR:
It is important, though, to remember that fall is not entirely about relaxation and fun. Fall is the time for storing up for the long winter ahead. I've been working hard every day, setting the VCR to tape shows like Inside Schwartz, The Bernie Mac Show, and The Ellen Show before they wither and die, lost forever.
(“Inside Schwartz” was a Breckin Meyer comedy that aired after “Friends” but was so unpopular that airing “Friends” reruns brought higher ratings.)
It’s a mild, inoffensive article that’s mostly memorable 20 years later for all the old references. For instance:
Shows like The WB's Smallville, NBC's Crossing Jordan, CBS's The Guardian, and ABC's My Wife And Kids were all welcomed into the world this fall. There's nothing quite like that first taste of the fresh faces the fall has to offer.
Thankfully, regular columnist Jean Teasdale is here to rescue us with “A Purr-fect Tale!”
Jean is writing a book — from the perspective of her cat, Priscilla. This was inspired by Barbara Bush’s book, which Jean saw at a B. Dalton bookstore. Jean’s procrastinated on her version for 7 years because she couldn’t decide which cat should be the lead.
Thankfully, Arthur the cat is dead — “he tragically choked to death on a Pincers The Lobster Teenie Beanie Baby.” And so now the book can proceed:
Jean presents some book excerpts, which are as bad as you might expect (this, of course, reflects some excellent work by The Onion). Here’s how one of them starts:
Saturday, Dec. 25, 1993
Dear Diary, It's my very first Christmas! Of course, Mommy Jean had to explain that Christmas is Jesus' birthday. (Just in case you were wondering, I believe in Jesus… 'cuz I'm a Cat-holic!)
Most “Hey, it’s 2001!” reference
So many topical references in this issue. I think this sentence really sums up casual TV viewing in late 2001, when network TV was still sort of king — cable, reality TV and the internet still lurking in the background:
You get home from work, turn on the TV, and, before you know it, the Third Rock From The Sun syndicated rerun is over, and primetime programming has fallen upon the land.
What was the best horoscope?
Taurus again delivers, with this disturbing horoscope that sounds worse the more you think about it:
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You really ought to have a close friend or family member explain the function of that roll of soft paper that hangs by the toilet as soon as possible.
What holds up best?
“Breakup Put Off Until Bioterrorism Scare Is Over” is a tremendous reflection of the human condition, and you can update this for any year just by changing the crisis.
What holds up worst?
Anything from 20 years has some spotty stuff. The Tom Cruise infographic is not great in retrospect, and it’s also not original. Everyone was making Tom Cruise jokes back then.
What would be done differently today?
I’m not sure The Onion wouldn’t do “Drug Addict Looking For More Enabling Girlfriend,” but they might reframe it. At the least, would cocaine be the drug? I don’t know what it says if we update that to a more “modern” drug.
Obviously, the “Iron Man” story is archaic, as are the Harry Potter and TV articles, but the underlying humor in those could be updated for modern technologies and modern habits.