The Onion's Bill Clinton presidency stories, listed

The Onion covered Bill Clinton extensively during his presidency, but much of this predated The Onion going online in 1996 or has since disappeared. So, I’ve created a list (also in a Google Doc) that shares the 123 articles about or mentioning President Clinton that are still on The Onion’s website.

This list is not a ranking! It’s in chronological order only. I’ve written about my perception of The Onion’s coverage of the Clinton presidency, if you want a narrative recap.

What’s missing? Front-page headlines from 1996-2001 that are no longer online, plus any coverage from before 1996. Also, post-presidency Clinton is not covered here.

The list: Bill Clinton’s Onion mentions

Below, you’ll see the headline with a link to The Onion’s website. These links are accurate as of late 2023. In parentheses, I’ve listed the year of publication, plus loose notes about the type of Clinton joke.

For instance, if the article isn’t really about Clinton but quotes him, I’ve noted that. I’ve also marked common trends, such as cartoonish Clinton and The Onion’s apocalyptic bent.

1. Price Is Right Demands Pullout Of U.S. Forces (1996)  

2. Clinton Gets Box To Put Government's Stuff In (1996)  

3. Clinton Tagged by Local Gang (1996)  

4. Clinton Invents New Steam-Powered Contraption To Fix Economy (1996, Cartoonish Clinton)

5. Clinton Announces New 'No Walkman' Rule for Congress (1996)  

6. Clinton Seduced by Suave International Diamond Thief (1996)  

7. U.S. Invades Vietnam (1996)  

8. After a Long, Hard Campaign, The Three Candidates Head Into The Home Stretch (1996, Clinton quoted)

9. Clinton Blown Away (1996)  

10. Clinton Appoints Very Special Cabinet Member (1996)  

11. Clinton Reelected By Wide Margin (1996, Barely parody)

12. Clinton Uses Power of Make-Believe to Turn Bar of Soap Into Tugboat (1996, Cartoonish Clinton)

13. Clinton Breaks Off Talks with Carpetland (1996)  

14. Clinton Sold (1996, Cartoonish Clinton)

15. Fed to Make Interest Rates Undulate Relaxingly (1996, Clinton quoted)

16. Vincenzo Brothers Give Federal Government Five Days to Pay Off National Debt (1996, Clinton quoted)

17. Low Voter Turnout Blamed On Election-Day Zombie Attacks (1996, Apocalyptic)

18. Colorado Judge Imposes Ban On Same-Sex Friendships (1996, Clinton quoted)

19. All U.S. Males Renamed Dudley (1996, Clinton quoted)

20. Verb To Follow Noun; Prepositional Phrase To Follow (1996, Clinton quoted)

21. Congress Passes Amendment Guaranteeing 'Right to Chicken Done Right' (1996)  

22. U.S. 'Sends Message' to Iraq With Massive Display of Beefcake (1996, Clinton quoted)

23. Congress Hires Drummer (1996, Clinton quoted)

24. Voting Age Lowered to Six (1996, Clinton quoted)

25. Clinton Forced To Kneel Before Zod (1997, Cartoonish Clinton)

26. Marilu Henner Named U.S. Secretary Of Mid-Level Talent (1997, Cabinet)

27. Tom Bosley Named Secretary Of Naps (1997, Cabinet)

28. Clinton Grants Hot 101.5 FM Most-Favored Station Status (1997)  

29. Must-See TV' Now Enforced By Law (1997, Clinton signs law)

30. Madeline Albright Sworn In As Secretary (1997, Cabinet)

31. Clinton To PLO Terrorists: 'Leave The Girl Out Of It' (1997, Cartoonish Clinton)

32. U.S. Techno-Industrial Base Eroding Due To Foreign Competition (1997, Clinton quoted)

33. Clinton Written Up By 'Total Bitch' Supervisor (1997)  

34. Congress Approves $540 Million For Evil (1997, Clinton quoted)

35. Clinton: 'Every Man For Himself' (1997, Apocalyptic)

36. Clinton Unveils New Prize Hopping-Toad (1997, Cartoonish Clinton/kind of a Mark Twain parody)

37. Clinton Gets Tough On Crime With New 'Get Tough On Crime' Stickers (1997)  

38. U.S. Offers PlatinumPlus Preferred Citizenship (1997)  

39. ZZ Top Grants Clinton Keys To Magic Hot Rod (1997, Cartoonish Clinton)

40. Clinton Calls For National Week Off To Get National Shit Together (1997)  

41. Clinton Makes Federal Budget Proposal More Dynamic With Color Charts From Kinko's (1997)  

42. Clinton Fires Cabinet After Watching X-Files (1997)  

43. Clinton Holds Summit With Magic Turtle (1997, Cartoonish Clinton)

44. Golden Calf To Unite Nation (1997)  

45. Clinton Adopts New 'No Fear' Foreign Policy (1997)  

46. Nation's Homeless Less Important Than Ever (1997, Clinton quoted)

47. Clinton: 'Fuck This President Shit' (1997)  

48. Clinton Clinton (1997, Cartoonish Clinton)

49. Clinton Calls For Big Bucks, No Whammys (1997)  

50. Is The President Above The Law? (1997, People react to real-life Clinton)

51. Shannon Tweed Named Head Of U.S. Task Force On Nudity & Aging (1997, Cabinet)

52. Bridge To 21st Century' Crap Forgotten (1997)  

53. Congress Raises Killing Age To 19 (1997, Congress passes law)

54. Executive, Legislative, Judicial Branches Merge (1997)  

55. Rules Grammar Change (1997, Clinton quoted)

56. National Guard Mobilized For University Of Mississippi Class Of '62 Reunion (1997)  

57. The Definition Of Sex (1998, People react to real-life Clinton)

58. Clinton Ordered To Testify Before Grand Ole Opry (1998, Parody of Clinton scandals)

59. 1994 Video-Store Receipt Reveals Clinton Rented Night Eyes 2, 3 (1998)  

60. Congress Asks Clinton For Permission To Have Congress Outside Today (1998, Congress)

61. Clinton Chastises Hillary For Failure To Produce Male Heir (1998)  

62. Saddam Hussein Steps Down Following Sex Scandal (1998, Parody of Clinton scandals)

63. Clinton Escapes Through Air Vent (1998, Cartoonish Clinton)

64. Critically Wounded Clinton Crawls To Nearest Farmhouse For Help (1998, Cartoonish Clinton)

65. Free-Agent Clinton Signs Five-Year, $37 Million Deal With Argentina (1998)  

66. Clinton Threatens To Drop Da Bomb On Iraq (1998)  

67. U.S. Ambassador To Bulungi Suspected Of Making Country Up (1998)  

68. Clinton Denies Lewinsky Allegations: (1998)  

69. Clinton Criticized For Not Supporting Local Music Scene (1998)  

70. Impeach Clinton? (1998, People react to real-life Clinton)

71. Clinton Tests Positive For Presidency-Enhancing Drugs (1998)  

72. Clinton, Hagar Meet To Discuss Federal Speed-Limit Issues (1998)  

73. Starr Taunts Clinton With Humiliating 'Sittin' In A Tree' Song (1998)  

74. Clinton 'Glad To Be Back In Civilization Again' (1998)  

75. Congress Passes Americans With No Abilities Act (1998)  

76. U.S. Breaks Off Relations With Chad (1998)  

77. Lewinsky Subpoenaed To Re-Blow Clinton On Senate Floor (1999)  

78. Clinton Blows Entire Paycheck (1999)  

79. Clinton Says Badtz-Maru May Be His Favorite Sanrio Character (1999, Cartoonish Clinton)

80. Clinton Writes Fan Letter To Joan Jett (1999)  

81. Clinton Molested By Visiting Uncle (1999)  

82. Clinton Meets With Guy With Tie (1999)  

83. Clinton 'Very Disappointed' In Missouri (1999)  

84. Clinton Injected With Highly Unstable Experimental Growth Serum (1999, Cartoonish Clinton)

85. Clinton Hurls Feces At Detractors (1999, Cartoonish Clinton)

86. Clinton Takes Leave Of Office To Stand In Line For Star Wars: Episode I (1999)  

87. Clinton Pours Malt Liquor On Ground For Dead Homies (1999)  

88. Clinton Deploys Very Special Forces To Iraq (1999)  

89. The President Should Do The Right Thing And Commit Ritual Hari-Kiri (1999, Clinton discussed by dead Emperor Hirohito)

90. Clinton Gets Full Day's Relief With One Spray Of Flonase (1999)  

91. Clinton Vetoes Bill For Reason He Can't Put His Finger On (1999)  

92. Single Marine Sent Back In Time To Resolve Kosovo Crisis (1999, Clinton quoted)

93. Protecting Chelsea's Privacy (1999, People react to real-life Clinton)

94. Congress Approves $4 Billion For Bread, Circuses (1999)  

95. Report: TV Helps Build Valuable Looking Skills (1999, Clinton quoted)

96. Mass Of Unfreshened Air Moving In From Arctic Circle (1999, Clinton quoted)

97. Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord (1999, Clinton quoted)

98. U.S. Populace Lurches Methodically Through The Motions For Yet Another Day (1999, Clinton quoted)

99. Congress Passes 'America Is #1' Bill (1999, Congress passes law)

100. Federal Government Introduces Six New Sizzlin' Skillet Breakfasts (2000, Clinton quoted)

101. Clinton Declares Self President For Life (2000, Apocalyptic)

102. Clinton Goes Back In Time, Teams Up With Golden-Age Clinton (2000, Cartoonish Clinton)

103. Clinton Suffering From Senioritis, White House Sources Say (2000)  

104. American People To Live Happily Ever After (2000, Clinton quoted)

105. Clinton's Sight Restored (2000)  

106. Cousin Oliver To Join White House For Last Year Of Clinton Presidency (2000)  

107. Gore Already Regretting Promise To Help Clinton Move Out (2000)  

108. Clinton To Get Teeth Cleaning, Glasses Before Coverage Runs Out (2000)  

109. Clinton Goes On Fun Plane Ride (2000, Cartoonish Clinton)

110. Clinton Vs. The NRA (2000, People react to real-life Clinton)

111. Clinton Consults Surgeon General On Behalf Of Friend Curious About Homosexuality (2000)  

112. Russia's Closest Friends Ready To Try Military Intervention (2000)  

113. Gatorade Pledges $240 Million In Thirst Aid To Underquenched Nations (2000, Clinton quoted)

114. The War In Chechnya (2000, People react to real-life Clinton)

115. Clinton Becomes First President To Clear 18 Feet In Pole Vault (2000, Cartoonish Clinton)

116. The Clinton-DiCaprio Summit (2000, People react to real-life Clinton)

117. Clinton Fumbles With Submarine Controls; 'Everything's In German!' He Shouts (2000, Cartoonish Clinton)

118. American People To Live Happily Ever After (2000, Clinton quoted)

119. U.S. To Host Foster Country (2000, Clinton quoted)

120. Nation Plunges Into Chaos (2000, Apocalyptic)

121. Congress Wonders If It's Even Making A Difference Anymore (2000, Clinton quoted)

122. Nation Shocked By Pre-Natal Shooting (2000, Clinton quoted)

123. Clinton Not Expecting To Collect White House Security Deposit (2001)